HurtingDad

As I'm reading this forum at work my son calls.

Said that while sleeping in his sleeping bag, with his head on his pack,someone slipped a pillow under his head and took his pack.

Now he has no social security card, no methadone card, no birth certificate, and the few bucks he had also gone....oh and his clothes.

It never freaking ends. On the one hand I'm glad he calls to let me know he's alive, but it rips my heart out every time. The codie in me wants to solve everything but I'm just going to give him some phone numbers of programs for him to call....so tired of this crap....I even had an excellent weekend with family parties, felt great driving in to work...now this...never a damn break. I might meet him in NYC to buy him a new pack and clothes...I really shouldn't. I am totally fed up with this today. I'm getting ready for a real pity party...no one invited but me.

Enough whinning...I'm done...tks.

Impurrfect

(((Hurtingdad)))

Unfortunately, I've been where your son is. In fact, I only had the clothes on my back and my driver's license when I was arrested. I had to apply for a new social security card while I was in the diversion center.

If you do buy him anything, I would say ONE set of clothes. It may sound harsh, but the same thing is likely to happen again, so why waste the money.

I think giving him the numbers of where he can get the SS and things replaced is a great idea.

I totally understand the pity party, but just remember...this all is a consequence of his actions and it's those consequences that make us A's hit bottom faster.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

mooselips

((Hurting dad))
Wish I could say something to make you feel better, other than, I've been there too.


Hugs....

outtolunch

Has he had enough, yet?

After reading this, I can never look at a homeless person the same, again. Someone, somewhere cares deeply about them and if only.......

Impurrfect

(((outtolunch)))

Every time I see a homeless person or addict on the streets, I wonder if it's one of the "missing kids" from the parents here. It breaks my heart.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Latte

I am so sorry. I think giving him the number and or location to get a new Social Security card would be a good idea.

My thoughts are with you.

winnie12

Sucks for him but its not your problem.
It makes me so sad to read your posts because i know my son could easily be just like yours and its my worst nightmare. I really feel for you but it seems that the level he is at that nothing you do is really going to make a difference until he wants something different. You know sometimes i just exaggerate my own excuses as to why i cant help. I'm broke right now, car is having trouble and i cant get there, I have to work late, etc. I know its a game too but its hard to say no while they push your buttons so i just say whatever it takes to get him to accept my no's. My son is young enough that when i dont show up to bail him out of trouble it scares him - not sure if that would help with yours.

laurie6781

I lived the streets for a year and a half a long time ago, and to be honest there is a lot more help out there now than there was when I was living out there.

He can get a change of clothes at numerous shelters, or the Salvation Army. SA will feed him, and btw they have an EXCELLENT rehab if and when he is ready, and it's FREE.

He can go to the Social Security and report his card lost/stolen and get a new one sent to you as he has no address right now.

Sorry to sound suspicious, but it sounds like a 'ploy' to me. I would be very hesitant to send him 'new' clothes that he can 'sell' or any money. Maybe a McDonald's card or one for one of the other franchises. Be very careful what if anything you send him.

J M H O

Prayers and good thoughts going out for you and your son.

Love and hugs,

sojourner

I am on your side, hurting dad. Your son may be only one consequence away from truly hitting bottom, so hang in there.

When i was a young adult, it was illegal to be homeless. It was called vagrancy, and one could and would be arrested for it. Needless to say, we had no homeless people in our city. I'm very frustrated with a society that allows homelessness. Because society has allowed homelessness, it has grown EXPONENTIALLY. And now i understand adults with their young children are also allowed to be homeless. It is one less consequence that our addicted ones face.

I get frustrated with those "do something good for somebody" stories where people buy a homeless person a meal, etc., and are considered saints of some kind. And here we are on this end being told (and rightfully so) not to give our addicted loved ones money, cars, material things, etc., because they need to suffer the consequences of their decisions.

Anyway hurting dad, i'm praying that some day you will be blessed with your son in recovery and him being grateful for your tough love.

SlvrMag

I agree with what laurie said, maybe you should not buy him even one set of new clothes. I have 3 kids of my own and I know that would be SO hard, but buying him clothes would be "cushioning" his bottom, I think. Maybe he is getting tired of his life???

caileesnana

It was always easier for me to work my recovery as long as I didn't have to look at AD. When I saw her my parental heart took over.

My daughter has also been on the street w/ absolutely nothing, not even a drivers license. Somehow she managed, or existed.

I agree w/ don't spend alot and it sound fishy, but understand not wanting your child to be cold and hungry.

I learned to do what I could live with, sometimes right, sometimes wrong. This board helped me numerous times.

praying for you and you son,
susan

hello-kitty

Don't quit before the miracle hurting dad.

You are right. You really shouldn't. But if you do, that's ok too. You can only control your own choices, not your sons.

grateful2b

((Hurtingdad)) I know how hard this is...

my AD lived on the streets for a year and a half...it was very high risk (she got beat up twice), and to this day she remembers it with fondness, says it was fun!

that was a tough time for me, but I also knew it was her choice and she could have a warm bed, a meal, and dry clothes...when she needed it...

I am a little suspicious of the pillow and backpack switch....
you could remind him that there are places where he can get, a bed , a meal and some clothes....as well as the options in place to get another card..

remember, hands off the addict.....

prayers for you and your son... Grateful

littlebird77

agreed... clean out your closet and send the clothes to the Salvation Army. he can get them, the trick is that they will want to offer him a warm meal, warm clothes, and oh no, heaven forbid sobriety! Now if you buy the clothes then he can't seek the help himself, becuase you just provided the instant needs.... it sounds a little shady to me, because most people (homless that is, hide their cards/ money in thier shoes, and leave them on while they sleep.) It sounds shaddy to me... he may have sold it for drugs, but that is my opinion... I know you are his dad, if you want to help, find out what area he is in and tell him to go to the Salvation Army in that area... I just found out there is one in my area and it's a beutiful place... I would stick with purrfect and buy ONE outfit if you cant resist.

marle

When my daughter was still using, I stopped replacing things since they were always left at the latest motel that they skipped out of without paying the rent. When my daughter got into recovery, I gave her rides to the places she needed to go to get back her SS card, driver's license, etc. But the recovery came first and then the help. It always made me feel so sad to see her lose things that were once so important to her, so I know what you are talking about. Hugs, Marle

sistergldnhair

I read this and felt so sad..then I read the posts and about it seeming fishy..and it does, I suppose, and that made me sadder. That they call their loved ones and make them worry, and stress, and anxious...and it might all be a set up.

But at the chance it isn't, I'd be so torn...I'm really saying a prayer for you tonight....(lots of prayers going out to fellow boardmembers tonight..I'm gonna be busy)

eileen

Ann

I'm sending hugs, HurtingDad, because I've been there, done that and I really did buy the t-shirt...and jeans, and winter jacket and boots, and tools so he could start a job and then again when it was all lost or stolen.

If the cost isn't an imposition on you and you really want to send him a bag of clothes, then please do it without regret and without expectations. But maybe tuck in the name of a detox, or an AA/NA meeting list, or the nearest Salvation Army and then let him take it from there. I say this because it may make YOU feel better whether it helps him or not.

My son has been missing over 4 years and has lived on the streets off and on over the past 10 years or more (with some years of recovery in there too) and I can tell you that just as they know where to get drugs, they know how and where to get food/shelter/clothes and anything else they may need. It's a sad life they choose, but they do have choices and when they are ready may make better ones.

Prayers for your son and all our homeless loved ones.

Hugs

greeteachday

I hope you are feeling a little better HurtingDad. It stinks...I know. Sometimes I think that is the est we can do...just listen and be there for each other. Hugs

HurtingDad

Thanks to all the wonderful folks with their advice and prayers. After I took a walk around work and a few deep breaths, all I did was give him some phone numbers and mailed him another copy of his birth certificate (which I had at work). He was thrilled with that and as soon as he gets it (today), he was going to start getting his S.S. card and ore. He also told me he had gotten clothes and was going to call the rehab places.

So...no big Codie here....and we're both feeling better.

Thanks again!!

baxter

My AD never hit the streets. That must be so hard. I do know about the phone calls though. There were so many for no food in the house, electric/gas turned off, etc. and a few for school clothes for the grandkids and one year I even bought the Christmas presents for her to give to the grandkids. It was always her purse had been stolen, unexpected insurance bill, so many excuses I can't even remember and I just couldn't stand the thought of them sitting in the dark or going hungry, especially with the grandkids there. But, she had better things to spend her paycheck on than food or utilities.

Hardest thing was saying "no." People who didn't know the drug story thought I was such a horrible mom, and she'd cry to them about how horrible I was. Then I'd make goodwill boxes of food and clothes and found out she'd trade some of those for her crack. I remember one time telling her that she must have some kind of crackers or cereal in the house to eat, then crying all night thinking the kids might be starving. I know they went without electric for a couple weeks too. Very seldom do they have a phone or cable on.

I still caved this year and bought my granddaughter her homecoming dress and we had all three of her daughters birthday parties because poor AD was broke. But it was a choice I made and I wasn't guilted into it. I knew if I had said no I wouldn't have spent the night a total wreck feeling heartless.

So I'd do what you feel comfortable doing. They sure don't make it easy for us and I know about those pity parties, sometimes they just can't be helped.