GwenMarie30

My life has been absolutely miserable the last few months. I have quit my job as I have been extremely sick. I ve been in the hospital 5 times in the last 3 months. I have crohns disease and kidney stones. Im having my 3rd kidney stones surfery the 1st week of november. My bf has been making my life as difficult as he can manage. Every time I turn around he is making nasty comments about how useless I am and how lazy I am. H epays for absoluetly nothing I need or want. He comes unglued if I spend more than a $100 a week for groceries for 5 people a week.

My two oldest girls use me and dont even care.

The oldest Savannah went out with her friends last night. Her dad and I share custody. She lives with me in the summer and I have her on the weekends during the school year. Well he trusts her to do nothing. Actually he did until he found out that she was drinking over the summer. Little does he know how many times or the fact that she got high once too. I didnt tell him because she seemed regretful and swore she'd never do it again. I trusted her. Last weekend she got caught lying to her dad saying she was gonna spend the night at a friends house and that friend lyed to her parents sayin she was stayin at savannah's house. Well long story short they got caught. I got the call to rush in to pick them up at the bowling alley before the other parents got there. I did and stupid me went along with it. I went along with it cause I told these girls I would always do what I could for them as long as they didnt lie to me. The other girls parents came to pick up their daughter and I took savannah home with me. Well this weekend she told me she wanted to hang out with her friends. These friends of hers are known for drinking and other stuff. Savannah wanted this last weekend be an end of sorts and her way of sayin goodbye to the bad influences. She told her dad she was coming out to my house and of course he was suspicious and called me. I knew where she was. I knew this was the last time. I understood her need to want to say goodbye in her own time and way. She had promised not to drink. Well 10:30 pm I called her to tell her I ws goin to bed as I wasnt feeling well and to be home at midnight. MIDNIGHT!!!!! She is 14. Not 18.She flat out told me no. I told her to have fun then and she wasnt coming back here then. All she could worry about is if I was gonna tell her dad. I get a call from her about 3pm. I didnt answer the phone so she left a voice mail saying I could call her when I was done being mad. I in turn sent her an email telling her dissapointed I was in her and that she needs to take a real good look at herself in how she lies and manipulates everyone to get her way and what she wants. I told her she is not welcome here anymore until she changes her attitude. And dont hold her breath as I wont be calling any time soon.

She wants to make grown up decisions then she can suffer grown up consequences. I guess now I see how I lied and manipulated to get her to trust me too. She's not the only one to blame in all this.

So right about now Im mad as you know what and I cant decide if Im more hurt or angry.


And to make everything worse things with paul and I are so unsteady too. Two days ago I came downstairs to tell him that I was going to start supper and I noticed a light bulb burnt out. I made comment of it and he just blew up. Really blew up. Told me to quit Bi$@#*^$. Told me to F off and when I just stood starin at him I asked him that was totally uncalled for and what was wrong with him? He said really snotty and hateful that I bring out the best in him. I looked at him a second dumbfounded and said fine sit here by yourself then and went back upstairs. I didnt bother goin to bed. Yesterday was his birthday and we still arent talking. I didnt say happy birthday or anything, didnt even bother coming downstairs. Well today he left for a hockey game with his friends and was supposed to take our daughtyer kelsey. He left with out her too saying that not one person said happy birthday to him. She swears she did. I texted him back saying that many years I got told by him that I didnt deserve to be told hapy birthday or mothers day. I texted that he really hurt me with his actions and words. All he can think about is himself and how nobody said happy birthday. Aww so sorry.

Sorry this is so long but I had to get this out. Its eating me up that I feel like im gonna suffocate.

Kimmieh

I am sorry things are so difficult for you right now. I don't have any advice, but I hope you can do something nice for yourself tonight. Take care!

Ann

Gwen, I'm sorry things are bad too. My thoughts are that she is 14 and you are the adult, so you get to make the rules. Covering for her is not a good start, but I think you have figured that out. And I am guessing that you have your license back, yes? This will make her even more demanding if she can get away with it.

You're sick, Gwen. If she can't behave and be respectful when she comes, perhaps she should stay where she is until you are feeling better.

Raising a teen is difficult for anyone in the best of health but raising a teen who is rebellious when you are sick is just too much.

Sending hugs because you could probably use one.

Hugs

Hangin' In

Gwen,

You sound like you could use some support and some close recovery friends.
Can you find a meeting near you? Obviously things are out of control in your life and you need something to help you get focused. I found that face to face meetings help keep me grounded in my recovery. And when I am living in recovery mode, I tend to make better decisions.

Think of the Serenity Prayer: grant me the wisdom to accept the things I cannot change (other people); change the things I can (me) and the wisdom to know the difference.

Another great thing recovery has taught me is that I do not have to accept unacceptable behavior. Learning to set boundaries is yet another benefit of being in recovery.

I hope you can find some face to face support.

And re the daughter, you have the tail wagging the dog. A fourteen yr old shouldn't be calling the shots. Remember..."change what I can".

Hugs and prayers cause I know it's hard. I'm praying for you, your family and your health. I know that when I feel badly, everything seems worse.

Hangin' In

marle

Gwen, Sorry that you are feeling so bad. It must be hard for you to just get through the day without all of the other hassles going on. I will keep you in my prayers that your health will improve. Also that your daughter will eventually grow up They all do, you know. Hugs, Marle

GwenMarie30

I was so mad that I didnt answer the phone so I emiled her instead. This is what i had to say:

You know what savannah? I really am dissappointed in you. Im supposed to call you when Im done bein mad? Well dont be expecting a call any time soon. Im sick to death of people using me. You did just that. You used my trust against me and threw it in my face. You said as long as you told me what you were gonna do that you didnt have rules to follow. Well you 14. Not 18. You lie to your dad. You use me. I try being a friend and trust you and you take advantage of it. You come to my house to get away from your dad and cindy and now I understand you come here cause you dont have any rules. You do what you please. I didnt mind you goin out which is way more than your dad lets you. You use everyone around you to get what you want. And if they dont let you use them them you just dismiss and write them off. What exactly was ok about what you did last night? Your with a bunch of people your dad doesnt approve of or me either for that matter. You lie to him and make sure to cover your tracks by having me lie for you. Then when I put limitations on you such as a curfew you blow me off too. Nice. Thanks. What do you think would have happened that your allowed to walk in my house at 4 am out doing who knows what? You think paul would have been like oh? ok. NO! We have rules here. You cant follow them then dont come here. You need to take a serious look at YOURSELF! Look at what you do and what you have become. I hope last night was worth all this. You realy hurt me. I felt used. And then you call spouting off at the mouth with a bad attitude.


You have completely destroyed any trust and respect I have in you. And for some reason I think when ever you get around to reading this you will just say be that way. And right about now I dont know if im cryin cause Im so damn mad or really hurt.



Thanks, I hope you had fun and it was worth it.




Her reply was instant:

acctually i did come home.
and no not to ur house bc idont have the money to put in her car.
but i do follow the rules at ur house.
and u think that im this super bad person?...
well u go and hang out with randy and lie to paul and have us cover for u..
doesnt that sound the same?
but im not gonna yell at u, im just gonna give u time to calm down.
i couldve just stayed there and did whatevr i wanted then got yelled at.
but no, i went home.
so u can be mad bc i know u r, but dont yell at me and try to make me feel bad. just bc i now can stand up to u and not have u make me feel bad about everything i do, u have always done it, u may not have realized it. but u always made me feel bad about everything.
and i dont use ppl to get what i want.
im not gonna go any further so ya.
ttyl bye.


And my final reply to her is this:


Well savannah u think u can stand up to me fine. I never asked you to lie for me. And what I do with randy is none of your business. I AM AN ADULT. I dont have to give excuses for being with randy. You certainly dont complain about it or think twice in calling him either. There is absoluetly no harm in me hangin with randy aside from paul being insanely jealous and controling. You sit here and mock my life and basically am calling the kettle black and how you learned all this from me. Well congrats to you then for being like me. You'll make the same mistakes I did. So sorry for tryin to help you be different. And I dont really care if you went home or not. I dont believe you. You were supposed to come her and you knew that. You knew it all week. Just how was you supposed to get here? You never planned on coming here. Thats what. You planned on doin what yu wanted to do. As long as I covered for you. And as far as me makin you feel bad savannah if you didnt have anything to feel guilt for then theres no reason you should feel as you do. Right?

Im still really mad right now savannah. So Im just gonna say this and leave it at that before I really start syin things I dont mean. I do love you savannah. Im sorry if I make you feel bad all the time. You are not a bad kid. I just dont approve of some of the things you do. You need to validate that other people have feelings too just like you do. I will ttyl.

The kid knows how to get back at me. She has called me 10 times in the last hour. I just wont answer bcuase Im afraid of saying something harsh and something I dont mean. I need time to think about all this. Part of me thinks Im being to harsh.

GwenMarie30

Hmm Im thinking my actions have been a direct cause for how she is. This is how I have lived my life in the past. Not anymore. Ive been tryin to be different. To do the right thing. Her refrence to Randy is my best friend. The fact that he is a guy and helped me get on my own feet when paul has thrown me out countless times just infuriates Paul. He hates him and has told me to have NO contact with him. I have kept contact. Not much but I have kept ther occasional contact to say hi and see how he is. There is absoluetly nothing untoward there. Otherwise thats it.

But my drug addiction and all that it entails has preceeded me into my girls. And now that I try to be on the right side, I dont know where Im goin with that. Im just really angry right now with all that is goin on in my life and dont deal well with it all at once.

Im just rambling thru things here tryin to make some sense of stuff.

GwenMarie30

Thanks for the hugs. I really needed em! I cant get to any meeting in my area right now, so I did the next best thing and called my mom. Im gonna get out for awhile. Get away. I will check back later. Keep ya'll posted.

Ann

Meetings would help Gwen, really they would. Even a couple a week helped me regain my balance and might help you too.

There is always time for a meeting if you want to go badly enough.

Live

Gwen, my kids knew that if they took off without permission, them being minors and my responsibility I would call them in as runaways.

I only had to do it once.

The police picked kid up and took kid to station and told them you may think you are grown up but the law says you are not, so you have to go home and mind your mother, because she is responsible for you.

GwenMarie30

Thanks Ann.Not that I dont want to go to a meeting. NOt by any means. I just dont know where there is one right now. I did do the next best thing for me and I called my mom. I just gona get out of myself for a little bit. I also got a list of peple to call from when I went to meetings before. I will be calling. I will check in to see if I can find some support groups too.

On another note, Savannah just came out here. Managed to get a ride all the way out here. She asked if Kelsey could go with her to stay the night at her house and go to church tomarrow. She then dropped a note in my lap and left. I guess she was respecting that we not talk right now as I was still angry. I wont type everything she said just some of the highlights:

Mom,
Last night was really confusing. You said I could go out but didnt say anything about a midnight curfew and then you called yelling at me when I was fighting with Bo(current boyfriend i think), so that made it all worse. It was a misunderstanding. I didnt know that it hurt you that bad and I dont know what to do. Im sorry mom. I love you even if your not talking to me.
Savannah

Well now she's gone and I cant hug her to tell her its okay. I dont understand why I feel so bad and dont really know how Im feeling right now. I know Im hurting tho.

lostparent

My only advice is to tell her up front that you won't cover for her or lie to her Father for her anymore. Tell her you love her give that hug when you see her again. BUt you an him have to be on the same page.. Take care of your self. :praying

BigSis

Wow Gwen - my thoughts as I was reading this were very much like the other gals on here who've been around a while. MOOOOOorrre recovery.

Meetings, a sponsor, some other long-time alanon/program friends to help.

At 14, my kids didn't get to stay out past midnight, and not coming home was cause for grounding. No excuses from me, no reasons needed, no convincing them that I am being a good parent.

Just a rule.

I can be their parent or their friend, but not both. So I told them I would be their parent until they are done being kids. BTW, at 21 and 23, they still aren't done being kids!

As far as seeing Randy is concerned, if you are hiding it from hubby - then you probably need to hide it from the kids, and not let them hold the secret. Secrets bring trouble - every time. This situation is partly what made me think a sponsor might be handy to run some of this by.


Wishing you the best.

hope213

hugs & prayers for your gwen.

splendra

((((((GM)))))))

In all cases actions always speak louder than words. What do your children see you doing? This is what they will emulate. Let them see you being gentle with yourself and others. Let your words be few and meaningful.

14 years old is so young and tender protect her and help her to understand that she is way too young to be doing battle with the world right now. It sounds like she could use some alateen meetings or some counseling.

I remember when I was your daughters age my mom was sick all the time and had several surgeries then she got pregnant and had a child that she expected me to raise. I started doing some very foolish things partly to rebel and because I felt like if I had so much adult responsibility then I ought to be able to make my own choices.

caileesnana

Hi Gwen,

Sorry you are having trouble w/ your girls. The only thing I want to add is you can't be their friend right now, you are the mother, the adult.

It is hard and I know of those who are now friends w/ their daughters. I don't have that yet, but if we don't stick to our boundries and values our girls don't have a chance!

prayers for you,
susan

GwenMarie30

Hi. Wanted to pop in here to let ya'll know what happened in the course of the weekend. I felt terrible and just sick after my silent treatment after Savannah made every effort to apologize. I went to her dads later and had a talk with her. I told her that I accepted her apology. And that I had one of my own. I should not have blown her off like that. I shouldnt let my anger exceed my reasoning. I told her that I have boundaries an I wont be covering for her to her dad. He has rules and so do I. We need to be in agreement. She has curfews in my house. Plain and simple. I wont tolerate drinking or hanging out till wee hours of the morning. If she isnt back by my designated time she will be locked out and can call to get in and suffer the consequences. I suggested that she see a counselor at school maybe. Ive lived thru my own consequences when I was the active addict and she will too. I am not going to be her sponsor to her own addiction and road to trouble. Ive had enough.

Its not entirely my way. I will make allowances for certain things. But if she lies to me she will pay for it. Same with her dad.

With all that being said, I am truely sorry for what all you parents suffer from from watching your kids go down that road of addiction. Mine isnt even in true addiction yet and has every chance to not become an addict. She is still young enough that I can control her life.

Thanks for all the replies here and comments. I have also been looking for support groups in my area.

winnie12

Wow - this post scares me - deja vu
I'm not saying that you're daughter will do what my son did but a year ago when he was 14 he was saying/doing/acting exactly like your daughter and i was saying/doing/acting exactly like you are. If you dont want it to happen to your child (and i stress "child") the best thing you can do is put your friendship with your daughter on hold for a few years. A teenager needs a parent willing and ready to use some tough love for the good and safety of the child. I hope that your daughter is different from my son but you may not know the answer to this until its really a problem. You've got some serious flags her - alcohol, pot, staying out all night, disrespectful behavior - and these are just the things you know. For everything you know about your child there are probably five things you dont know. I see my son's friends everyday going to jail, rehab, maternity wards. I'm not saying their parents could stop these things but maybe if they (i include myself) were realistic about the fact that their children were trying to be adults before they were ready then some of the events could have been diffused.

A few things i learned about being a parent:
1. I do not have to be liked by them or their friends
2. I do not have to explain myself or my decisions as an adult
3. I do not have to apologize at being angry for bad behavior
4. I have the right to ignore them when they are being disrespectful
5. One way or the other they do have to follow my rules (if they wont listen to me then they will listen to the law) and i dont have to compromise on that ever.
6. Sometimes in order to be treated with respect we have to be willing to not be liked.
7. Covering for a child is telling them their behavior is okay with you.
8. Finally, eventually a child will prefer to have a strong parent they can rely on vs. another friend. They have enough friends.

Darling, this is a long road that you dont want to go down - please get some help so that you can show your daughter how to find the right paths to go down. I would hate to see another parent have to go through what so many of us here have.