Neverwanted

I have a serious question - why do our addicts blame us for everything? It has led me to experience tremendous guilt and depression. When I get down on myself, he then would retract every horrid evil rotten thing he said to me and then tell me to just forget he said that - that he didnt mean it. He was drunk/high etc. I thought that WAS the point...being drunk high etc...still doesnt think he has a problem.

I am getting help. He is not. But then he sends me screaming emails telling me to get help - that I am crazy. I do feel somewhat crazy from his behavior which is accentuated by his addiction.

I was feeling strong yesterday but today is just one of those days of regret in ever investing in such a hateful individual. I see now all I was to him was a punching bag. He desperately needed that in his addiction and yet he said he loved me deeper than anyone. Yeah right. BS.

I see blame is a common theme for addicts. Can someone please explain to me why? The depths of the blame can be so insidious and I don't get it. Can anyone else here please share their experiences on this topic of blame and how it made or makes them feel???

winnie12

Simple: If they ever really acknowledged that they did it to themselves they would have no excuse to stop what they are doing.

outtolunch

A life lived without taking responsibility is a fantasy of a life without consequences.

You have to blame, to avoid responsibility, to sustain the fantasy.

And around we go.

wenchris

I have always told my children that if they have to hide what they are doing then they know they shouldn't be doing it. There isn't any difference how they are hiding it .

I think blaming others allows my AS to hide what he is doing from himself, no self inflicted bad behaviors, no self inflicted consequences required

marle

Denial and they are not the only ones that do it. We do it too. Hugs, Marle

cassandra2

I believe its easier for them to blame you for THEIR problems. If it was their fault then in a logical mind you would take steps to fix your problem or situation. Because an addict does not have a logical mind its everyone elses problem as to why they do what they do or why this happened.

My exabf is going to lose his other daughter from a previous relationship and I'm sure that it will be the mothers fault not his. Why would it be she did this to him he doesnt say "hey I better get myself together so that doesnt happen" he is thinking "why is she doing this to me".

That is how they cope with their disease.

wenchris

Ah, yes and I coped with denial for a long time, too. As we all do, I think. And I spent my time being embarrassed and hopeful with my denial, too.

Then we wake up a bit and we cope in other ways. If or when my AS wakes up, he may cope in different ways too but he is not in tune to my alarm clock currently so I have shut it off.

BayAreaPhoenix

It is a common trait. The inability to be responsible or accountable for their own actions never cease to amaze, even tho expected. My friend's daughter is 19 and going thru a difficult time. Watching my friend's daughter struggle with "growing up", is like watching my AH. Difference is, it's typical teen-age behavior, not fun - but expected, it is NOT acceptable from a 49 year-old.

It takes a while, but keep on working on you and soon you'll be able to know and accept only what's yours and your A won't be able to hit those buttons. You know it, but feeling it deep down knowing it is what I mean.

(((hugs))) take care of yourself today. You know yesterday was better, today be kind to you.

lovesmenot74

Well from research I've done while trying to figure out what was going on in my relationship, I have read that individuals who blame others and are unable/unwilling to take responsibility do it because they are so full of guilt, shame and self-loathing that it is too painful to look at themselves and they are often putting on a show for everyone, afraid that if anyone was able to see the real them, they'd see all the horrible things they are hiding.

My therapist tells me that ppl who are unable to take responsibility seek out people who are "overly responsible" ... for what that's worth.

I have a lot of situations where my ex blamed me for things ... some of them do have a shred of truth so it's difficult to figure out what really was my fault and what wasn't ...

Two defining moments for me that I keep going over and over in my head:

I was his surety in order for him to be released from jail after he'd breached his probation ... we had just moved to a new place a few months before. He had gone into town to pick up his social assistance check and was supposed to come back home after picking it up, pay his part of the rent and it was his turn to buy groceries (I had been feeding us and paying all the bills until we'd moved, and had told him that things needed to be more equal financially) ... he called the first day, said he didn't get his check, had to go back the next day ... I didn't hear from him all day the next day (and had no groceries or money for groceries) and he said he had to go back the next day - he hadn't had time (?!) to go that day but would be home the next day. I called later that night (he had a curfew from probation and was supposed to be HOME every night by 11 but I figured as long as he was inside at his friend's place by 11 no biggie) I called at 11:30 and he was out drinking with his buddies (he was not supposed to be drinking, using drugs, or out past 11) and found out that he HAD received his cheque the first day, had given his friend money for food, bought beer and food for himself and was lying to me ... so when I talked to him the next day, he told me that his personal amount was picked up but not the rent portion (ya, BS) and he was going to get it that day ... (by this time i didn't believe a word he'd said) ... so I took myself off as his surety (I'd been telling him for a month that I couldn't be his surety if he didn't start being more respectful and helpful etc and realize that ignoring his release conditions put me in a position to lose my computer because I put it up for collateral to get him out) and went to the place he'd been staying and told him ... of course I was being a bitch and trying to control him and if I'd just give him until tomorrow, he'd get the rent check blah blah blah ... he went to jail that night and it's been MY fault that I "threw him in jail" and he tells me that is why he stiffed me for the rent that month ... because I threw him in jail and he couldn't GET the rent cheque. He gave me this whole runaround about having the cheque, then a friend had it, then he had to go get it from the social assistance place ... refused to give me the cheque unless I agreed not to take myself off as his surety (I'd already done it)

So then ... he spent a week in jail ... a week that he called me (collect) every day, professing his love for me, asking to start over, telling me he loved me ... talking about how things were gonna be different ... etc etc. I told him that I needed to actually see changes and we talked about the things I'd need to see from him when he got out in order for us to work things out. One of the things he promised was to go straight to the social assistance office and get the rent cheque since rent was now 2 weeks late. He agreed. When he got out, he called, told me he went to the office but couldn't get the cheque (by this time i was certain he'd already spent it) and from there I heard from him one more day, he got mad at me for only wanting to talk about the rent - "is that all you care about, money? why did i even bother to call if you were just gonna bitch at me?" and trying to explain that the landlord was giving ME a hard time over the rent that HE owed just ended up in a HUGE fight and him hanging up on me. After that I heard from him twice the next month ... both times asking me for something ... never once did he come out to see me (said he had his family watching him and they said we were bad for each other so he couldn't come see me until all his other stuff was done) ... he told me he'd been cut off social assistance and couldn't pay me any rent money until he got a job. This was in July. Then out of the blue in September, he called and told me he was getting a "final cheque" from social assistance - I thought it was fishy since they don't cut you off in July and then suddenly send you a cheque in September ... asked him about it and could tell by the way he was talking he was lying. To make a long story a teeny bit shorter, figured out he'd been collecting social assistance cheques at our address (he was telling them he'd come pick them up rather than have them mail them out) and lying about it while I was struggling to pay off his part of our bills the past 2 months and he was telling me he didn't have any money - they'd mailed this one out before he called so he HAD to tell me!!! I fully expect that he would have continued to collect in this way indefinitely if I'd never known. So I told him that I wanted money from this cheque for the rent he owed me ... I had received an eviction notice and if I didn't give the landlord some money I'd be homeless. He said okay ... and called every day to ask about the cheque until it came. Then he came out unannounced while I wasn't home and checked the mailbox - I had already grabbed the mail and had the check with me and I was out at an appointment. He waited until I got home and when he found out I had the check I told him I was going with him to cash it and wanted the rent he owed - he said I couldn't come cuz his ride's dog would bite me ... I said I didn't care, he made excuse after excuse and then finally wrestled it from me - looked me right in the eye and said "trust me" I'm coming back to visit you later tonight - I told him if he screwed me over I was reporting him for welfare fraud. As soon as he left I knew I'd been had ... and sure enough hours passed and I didn't hear from him ... when I finally called him he said he couldn't find a ride - I talked to his friend he was staying with and she said he'd paid rent there - and I found out he'd spent the rest ... I told him that I was calling to report him and tell them he wasn't living there anymore - his friend called panicking because she'd been collecting rent from him without claiming it on her disability and SHE gave me the rent that HE had paid HER ... after that I had to apply for emergency assistance from the welfare place myself to cover the rent and stay in the house ... so I had to inform them that he was no longer living here ... after ALL of this his friend told me that he curled up into the fetal position on the floor crying, asking why people kept doing this stuff to him?!?!?!?!?!!? He has told me that what I did couldn't be taken back and I got him kicked out of his place and because of me he had nowhere to live ... I tried to explain to him that he HAD a home with me and that by lying and stealing etc he had lost that home ... and I had to do what I had to do to protect myself after HE put me in a position to be homeless ... after all I'd done to help him ... after that he decided I was stalking him and told everyone what a controlling b*tch I am and a stalker and a few weeks later he had a new girlfriend.

How did/does this all make me feel?? Severe guilt, SEVERE depression ... anger, resentment, disbelief and complete annihilation of my trust in love and in human nature. I still cannot believe this is the same person who promised to love me forever ... who knows the most intimate things about me, who would curl up on the couch and snuggle all night watching movies, who picked names for our future children ... it's like I fell in love with this imaginary person and then he morphed into this horrible, hateful, deceitful person who only wants to hurt me as deeply as the other person wanted to love me. This has destroyed me and it's taking all of my strength to function day to day ... and all I want is for him to call and apologize and for us to go back to how it was in the beginning.

sorry this was so long ... I find once I get started, it's like opening floodgates.

Impurrfect

as an RA and a recovering codie, I've done the blame thing in both cases. Before my addiction, when I was just a raging codie, I blamed all the bad stuff on my A's. I was in denial, and couldn't see that I had a part in the "codie dance", too. I was allowing myself to feel guilty, depressed, etc. because "he did this to me". I never realized I had a choice...I just thought I had to take whatever he dished out because I loved him.

As an A, I blamed everything on circumstances to get high. Good day..get high, bad day..get high, ABF made me mad...get high, etc. I wasn't around my family when I was using (I was only around other users or dealers) so didn't do the blame thing you are going through.

I agree with the above, blaming others is just a way to deny responsibility for our own actions. As Marle said, it's not just the A's who do it, but they ARE very good at it.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Neverwanted

it's like I fell in love with this imaginary person and then he morphed into this horrible, hateful, deceitful person who only wants to hurt me as deeply as the other person wanted to love me. This has destroyed me and it's taking all of my strength to function day to day .

Wow. I know this agony. My heart and prayers go out to you. I recognize the pain. HUG

bluejay6

Please don't blame yourselves, neverwanted and lovesmenot. I read so much on this site posts by hurting people like you who are in no way responsible for the ways in which an addict has abused them, yet they think they should have known better, or done better, and as a result not only do they suffer the addict's irrational and abusive blame, they also end up suffering from their own self-blame and that of anyone who thinks they should have made different choices.

Addiction turns people into monsters. Those monsters sew ruin in the lives of every person they come in contact with. And I disagree with the idea that all the innocent people who are ravaged by addicts should have made different choices or been more together. Addiction grants the addict a superhuman ability to manipulate others and to attack their most vulnerable psyches. There is, in my opinion, absolutely no good reason to blame someone who has been been made emotionally and mentally ill from an addict's abuse for the depression and suffering the victim experiences. In my opinion, codependency is the RESULT of the abuse of the psyche which happens in relationship with an addict. It is not the cause of that abuse. I know that is against the thinking of most on this site. I do accept that some people are more vulnerable to sacrificing too much of themselves, trusting blindly, and those people are easy targets for addicts. But addicts are masters and they make EVERYONE sick.

It takes a long time to detox from the poison of relationship with an addict. I am still doing that myself. I am okay some days and clear. Other days I feel nauseous with disbelief. On the nauseous days I read SR to be reminded of the reality of addict behavior and its dark results. When I do this, I know that what I am missing--the heroin addict who I cherished, and who has relapsed and disappeared--is a fantasy. SR takes me away from the image of him in my mind, his sweetness and his eyes and his smile--I deeply loved him--and it places me back in the reality: that he is an abuser and a selfish son of a b*****. And he is ruining many people's lives, among them four children.

My task every day is to try to get well. To not blame myself for loving him, trusting him, fighting for him, believing in him. My task is to try to get well. I loved with an open heart, and I was stung to the core because of it. I did not bring this on and I do not assume blame for what HE has done to me. But i have to assume responsibility to get well. Today I trust less, I do not accept others at face value, and in fact, these days I am pretty suspicious of even recovering addicts. He had over a decade clean. He talked a good talk and went to meetings and sponsored. So now, even when recovering addicts talk the talk, there is a part of me that is wondering "how are you REALLY living?"

I just want to send you both love and support and encourage you to hang on through the pain and the depression (get medical help if you are unable to sleep and have uncontrollable crying for weeks....you may need an antidepressant....it will not remove the hurt but will level out the physical symptoms until you are well again). It is a deep poison and its effects linger. The hurt lasts a long time. But as you have read from others here, somehow life slowly and surely turns us onto a new path, and with God's help we really do come through it, clearer, stronger, better. We have to take responsibilty to get well, to face reality and our own sadness and illusions, but I believe that this healing will lay the foundation for a beautiful life and a real and lasting love. Having experienced the worst, we will never take for granted the best, when it finally comes to us.

Blessings.

Neverwanted

blue Jay

Those are compelling and powerful words and thoughts...ty for your encouragement and insight.

TY to everyone here.

I am on an AD and in counseling to get past this. I try not to focus on HIM and what happened as much - trying to keep myself from being bitter and getting over those raw wounds. I want to speed up my recovery from the experience but I realize its is a matter of time/.

OXOXOXOXO

hopingicanhelp

i am very familiar with the blame game...my ex was an addict. he would blame me for crazy things that were not my fault like him being insecure, him being angry, him feeling sad, him not being satisfied...all were in his mind simply the product of my wrong doing. he always accused me of cheating on him, it's like his own insecurities made him hurt me, and do drugs. and once he realized he was hurting me, he would break down, or get really angry because he didn't want to see me in pain he said...but he was putting me there. he said it killed him, and made things worse,...so he would say messed up very hurtful things, and then when it broke my heart and i cried he yelled at me, and twice tried to choke me b/c i wouldn't stop crying...i was just hurt...and he is just a hurtful, abusive person...i didn't listen to the ladies here who tried to tell me to cut ties and run at first, so i don't expect you to listen either...it's hard to hear what you know you need to hear...but you should leave him, and pick your life back up. you can live a life without him, your heart WILL still beat when he's gone, and believe it or not, you will probably be 100% happier...YOU NEVER HAVE TO STAY ITS UP TO YOU NOT HIM!!!!

imallright

Wow. Although it stinks that we are all here, I feel comfort in knowing I am not alone. Blue Jay, you couldn't have said it any more perfectly for me. Thank you. Timing is everything. It is so difficult to let go of the twisted blame that I feel. I didn't choose to let him impact me this way. I didn't ask for his abuse. I let it happen, but it wasn't because I wanted it or deserved it. This sickness is deadly. I pray for strength to survive. Thanks for the support.

lovesmenot74

While everyone is always soooo very helpful whenever I read and/or post to the forums, I really want to thank BlueJay as well - something about the way you posted really gave me a sense of calm and relief from the horrible rollercoaster I've been on for the past few months.

Thank you so much!!

Neverwanted

I was against dating anyone after what happened with my ex adicted fiance. I lost trust but still felt I was being unreasonable to think all men were like this...i met a nice nice guy and gorgeous too...so nice. No drugs no drinking works out in a band.

We went out and smooched and all and he led me on for about a wk. TMing me and leaving me emails. He wouldnt call though.

We had tentative plans this wk whn he was off work. So he was acting odd on the tm last night. Today we were supposed to go out and do a bunch of fun stuff. He told me he was not married, no GF,,,,had broken up with one a while back but NBD.

After silence to a tm I sent hin today he sent me one back saying I PROMISED I WOULDNT LIE TO YOU WHEN WE STARTED THIS. Pardon me for being stupid, but I thought that was a given?

He said his ex gf tmed him and wanted him to spend the next four days with him on his days off. WOW. Last night I was AMAZING AWESOME and COULDNT WAIT TO SEE ME...and just like that. He says I GUESS I STILL HAVE FEELINGS FOR HER...YOU GUESS?? Could you have mentioned that before?

He had asked what happened to my ex addict. i told him and I made it brief and didnt talk about it again because I need to work on that with my counselor in my time and who wants to listen to stories about your ex. Nonetheless, he knew the woman the ex cheated on me committed suicide in his house when he told her he wanted me back. This new guy could tell it had to be damned painful.

I didnt want to go out with him after I saw him because of fear and trust issues I inherited from my ex ad. But all my friends said GO FOR IT! Love is for the living! He is nice! And NORMAL!

So tonight he went back to his ex gf. I now have no plans for the evening.

I knew I should give up on love. I guess this is my breaking point on that.

I have felt so hurt and cheated on and abused by my ex...I sure as shXX didnt need another blow to my self esteem.

God I feel like crap

lovesmenot74

(((Neverwanted)))

It sucks that in this day and age, trustworthy people seem to be in the minority ... I'm sorry he hurt your already fragile feelings

splendra

I am so sorry you feel so confused and hurt. The blaming and lying is why it is so very important that we learn to keep the focus on ourselves rather than on what they do or say.

NeedingHelp7

Although it may be to soon for you too NW, you have some healing to do yourself....but if you choose to date at this time, I would caution you to wait a while for the smooching, and keep it as a friendship dating type of thing. It's safer that way. I'm sorry he did that to you. Some men just don't think.

Huggs,
NH7