Why do they blame?
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 115
Now that I have been apart/divorced from my ex-AH, I am also experiencing the fallout of the self-blame that I became so good at. Recently a friend of mine explained that when the ex and I were dating, he painted a whole different picture of himself... everyone fell for it...
Family and friends all told me that he was a sweet, kind person; that he was good for me... I knew at the time my picker-outer was broken so I trusted those who knew and loved me to advise me on this person who I eventually married.
The changes were so subtle, I am very adaptable and didn't realize just how much I had slipped into the role of wife of an addict. My kids had slipped into the role of kids of an addict.
Many of you in this thread really hit it on the nail and helped me understand even more about this horrible disease... it brings havoc and destruction to the host and everyone else possible.
There is a difference between falling into the role of victim and dealing with the effects of deception. I didn't go looking for an AH either... like many of you that posted I tried to avoid any more harmful relationships. I am glad that you all have started this thread because it was very helpful to see it in writing what I have been trying to put into words: that while I am responsible for my actions, that does not make me responsible for my addict's decision to give me information that was not true...
I based my decisions on this misinformation, and misplaced my love with someone who was dealing with an illness that didn't just harm him but it put me and the kids in harm's way as well. When the illness was revealed to me, it took some time to understand it and make other decisions based upon the accurate information. For me and the kids, these decisions resulted in complete seperation and divorce from the AH. While I know I loved him, I know and feel the good effects from complete detatchment from the anguish of living with an addict.
Neverwanted, thank you for starting this thread. All of the postings have really touched me right where I am at in the healing process. There is a fine line between learning from the past and self-blame. It is a difficult gray area to function in and I can identify with the feelings and thoughts posted by you all.
I too believe that this extremely destructive self-blame is the result of the chaos that my addict brought into my life. I was not looking for an excuse to feel worse by purposely marrying someone who was bad for me and the kids. I was looking for a partner and based on the information I was given by my addict, I thought I had found one. Once the other information was revealed, different decisions were made BUT the self-blame has lingered and haunted me.
Self blame is such a destructive force because long after the addict is gone, the self blame wants to hang on. I find that I have to actively resist those thoughts. I find that being good to myself is one of the hardest things to do, and that is why addiction can deal a mortal blow to not just the addict but anyone who loves the addict as well.
But I feel you all are right in saying that this self blame is a result of loving an addict... it is part of the lingering poison of that disease; self blame is the poison that we can acknowledge and then rid it from our hearts, spirits, bodies and souls by rejecting the destructive thoughts that continually try and deceive us/ lure us back into thinking that we deserve to have such poor treatment.
Family and friends all told me that he was a sweet, kind person; that he was good for me... I knew at the time my picker-outer was broken so I trusted those who knew and loved me to advise me on this person who I eventually married.
The changes were so subtle, I am very adaptable and didn't realize just how much I had slipped into the role of wife of an addict. My kids had slipped into the role of kids of an addict.
Many of you in this thread really hit it on the nail and helped me understand even more about this horrible disease... it brings havoc and destruction to the host and everyone else possible.
There is a difference between falling into the role of victim and dealing with the effects of deception. I didn't go looking for an AH either... like many of you that posted I tried to avoid any more harmful relationships. I am glad that you all have started this thread because it was very helpful to see it in writing what I have been trying to put into words: that while I am responsible for my actions, that does not make me responsible for my addict's decision to give me information that was not true...
I based my decisions on this misinformation, and misplaced my love with someone who was dealing with an illness that didn't just harm him but it put me and the kids in harm's way as well. When the illness was revealed to me, it took some time to understand it and make other decisions based upon the accurate information. For me and the kids, these decisions resulted in complete seperation and divorce from the AH. While I know I loved him, I know and feel the good effects from complete detatchment from the anguish of living with an addict.
Neverwanted, thank you for starting this thread. All of the postings have really touched me right where I am at in the healing process. There is a fine line between learning from the past and self-blame. It is a difficult gray area to function in and I can identify with the feelings and thoughts posted by you all.
I too believe that this extremely destructive self-blame is the result of the chaos that my addict brought into my life. I was not looking for an excuse to feel worse by purposely marrying someone who was bad for me and the kids. I was looking for a partner and based on the information I was given by my addict, I thought I had found one. Once the other information was revealed, different decisions were made BUT the self-blame has lingered and haunted me.
Self blame is such a destructive force because long after the addict is gone, the self blame wants to hang on. I find that I have to actively resist those thoughts. I find that being good to myself is one of the hardest things to do, and that is why addiction can deal a mortal blow to not just the addict but anyone who loves the addict as well.
But I feel you all are right in saying that this self blame is a result of loving an addict... it is part of the lingering poison of that disease; self blame is the poison that we can acknowledge and then rid it from our hearts, spirits, bodies and souls by rejecting the destructive thoughts that continually try and deceive us/ lure us back into thinking that we deserve to have such poor treatment.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
that was my case too kidsandme - everyone thought my ex was perfect. When we split they all assumed it had to be me who ended it, all my fault and some even said I deserved it. They thought I nitpicked him - not knowing that I was actually living with a man-child that I had to take care of. Then they found out that he completely abandoned his family and never gave anyone a valid reason for it. What a shock that was to everyone. A few people had to really eat their words and I believe were a bit ashamed of themselves for dogging me.
I think when we love people we see them the way we Want them to be and the way we think they Could be instead of the way they Are. You tend to see the good in people you love instead of the bad. That's not a bad thing with healthy people but pretty dangerous with selfish people.
I think when we love people we see them the way we Want them to be and the way we think they Could be instead of the way they Are. You tend to see the good in people you love instead of the bad. That's not a bad thing with healthy people but pretty dangerous with selfish people.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Southeast
Posts: 114
Originally Posted by splendra 
((((((Neverwanted)))))))
Most of us come here hoping we can find a secrete formula on how we can make an addict change. The big secret is there is nothing we can do to change them all the changing has to come from us. That is the very hardest thing to get about this whole process.
Most of us come here hoping we can find a secrete formula on how we can make an addict change. The big secret is there is nothing we can do to change them all the changing has to come from us. That is the very hardest thing to get about this whole process.
Originally Posted by splendra
I hope to God in heaven I am thru with thinking something good is going to come out of me trying to find logic in how things go down with an addict.
How lovely a heart felt apology from someone who has hurt me so badly would make me feel how I have longed for even one of them to ask me to forgive them nope it hasn't happened yet. I am tired of thinking that it might happen.
How lovely a heart felt apology from someone who has hurt me so badly would make me feel how I have longed for even one of them to ask me to forgive them nope it hasn't happened yet. I am tired of thinking that it might happen.
I had those heartfelt apologies from him time and time again - and I am betting some of those times they were sincere - for the time his lips were moving. And then the sun set and rose again and somehow his tune changed. Almost like rapid cycling seen in a mood disorder. Sometimes his mood woud fluctuate in a matter of minutes.
Its like watching a ping pong game of insanity - myself included. I have felt so damned ashamed at myself for thinking he could be helped and love does impact someone so ill.
I admit I am a dumb butt
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Southeast
Posts: 114
Originally Posted by kidsandmemake3
It is a difficult gray area to function in and I can identify with the feelings and thoughts posted by you all.
I too believe that this extremely destructive self-blame is the result of the chaos that my addict brought into my life. I was not looking for an excuse to feel worse by purposely marrying someone who was bad for me and the kids. I was looking for a partner and based on the information I was given by my addict, I thought I had found one. Once the other information was revealed, different decisions were made BUT the self-blame has lingered and haunted me.
Self blame is such a destructive force because long after the addict is gone, the self blame wants to hang on. I find that I have to actively resist those thoughts. I find that being good to myself is one of the hardest things to do, and that is why addiction can deal a mortal blow to not just the addict but anyone who loves the addict as well.
You are so right. Its been a mortal blow for me. Not everyone reacts the way I have - but like you - I thought I was with a man who was telling me the truth about who he was and wanted. They know the truth and how to hide it. I feel like a sucker.
You sound very strong though. That inspires us all.
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