Neverwanted

Im just not dating again. Screw love. Im 43 and its much harder than when I was younger. Smooching or not, I think it was sucky what this guy did.

I woke up this morning and said ok take a shower...and then I heard myself say...what for.

Having a normal guy and some fun was great for the short time it lasted and helped me stop thinking about the addict to the degree I was. I just feel it is hard to know and hard to meet people these days.

Eh Im just depressed.

Neverwanted

PS thanks to all for replying about the blame. It was great insight. I will re read them all and internalize it so I can stop feeling like I was as bad as the ex fiance addict said I was. I dont know...maybe I was...I dont know. But thank you for the advice and insight. You all are wonderful!

splendra

The most important person in my life is me. The straighter I am with myself the more attractive I will be. The better I feel about me the better the quality of person will come into my life.

I am convinced that if I had had higher standards for myself all my life that my relationship history would be so different.

I can't erase my past but, I can stop repeating my bad patterns as far as relationships go.

If I really want my life to get better I have to start treating myself better and not accept sub standard anything into my life. Especially when it comes to men. Do I still have stuff I haven't dealt with? I will know if I do or not by looking at the type people I am attracting in to my life.

I know when me and my H are done I will not be ready to start dating as soon as he leaves and if I do I am sure I will draw some kind of messed up person to me to fill in the gap that he leaves in my life....it could even be worse heaven forbid...So I know I will have to take it easy with myself and be kind and gentle and not find someone else to mess up my life.

Neverwanted

Splendra

I have been taking care of me. Working out daily when I dont want to get up...going to therapy twice a week for help...on ads. I dont draw in these kinds of people on purpose. There are a lot of men out there that are just plain A holes. Some of them put up a personna of gallantry and intelligence only to reveal that they are complete selfish idiots. Anything to get a person interested and then the boom is lowered.

I recognize a popular viewpoint here is to blame yourself for the people you are interested in. I had NO IDEA he was like this...it was only a couple of weeks into it...this new guy. I was cautious and people told me he was SOOOOOOOO nice and SOOOOOOOOOO normal and to go with it even though I was untrusting - lot of good that did.

I am not looking to draw in some messed up person - I am looking for red flags to make sure I dont.

I treat myself really well. Eat right, spiritual and do not hang around people who are cruel disrespectful or users. I have cleaned closet on a few of those types.

Ill always have baggage but one of them will not be USING others or using drugs. I am a good person and have a strong faith and a lot of love and good qualities. Seems at my age it isnt what some are interested in.


But I will blame myself if thats what popular opinion is...that I attract it and ask for it.

No amount of working my behind off to be a good person will prove I am not out to seek a holes. If it is the common perception that we ask for it, then what is the point of this forum.


Forget it. I should have stayed in bed.

splendra

I am not saying you ought to be blaming yourself.

I am saying I want to heal myself before I do any dating. Because I know I am vulnerable.

I want to give myself time. I want to let people reveal themselves to me in an unassuming way. I know if someone wants to start kissing me right off before I know them then I am not going to go for that. I already know that creeps sense my vulnerability and other people's opinion of another person may not jive with where I am at right now.

I know I have to look out for myself and yes, take responsibility for what I am willing to put up with. I am a good person too and I don't have to prove anything. Being who I really am takes very little effort come to think of it. The people who like me like for the same reasons as those who don't like me....

The guy you met sounds like he was moving a little fast. I would have had to tell him wait on the smooching...

I was not trying to offend you at all. Sorry....

splendra

One thing I am pretty sure of for me if I take the blame for what he did or if I wallow in what he did to me I get lost very fast.

and....

If I get involved with someone before I am healed I will end up with a jerk. again....

NeedingHelp7

NW, I think the kissing begins an emotional attachment that you may not be ready for, this is why we worry about you. If keeping an attitude that we are just going to go on a friendship date and get to know each other, this date wouldn't have been so hard on you. Not your fault. Boundaries help to guard your heart, and keep your self respect. If a guy likes you he will be back even if you don't kiss him. And were just being protective mother hens, I'm the same age as you, NW but I'm still a mother. I don't want to see you hurt.

As for the guy, I bet his old girlfriend found out he went out with you, was jealous and swooped up on him again. It was a rebound thing, I'm just sorry you were unintentionally involved in one again. He may be back so becareful.

Blessings,
NH7

BayAreaPhoenix

(((NW)))

We are all vulnerable. Try to keep in mind, no matter what you "think" you see, the chances are really HUGE that on this board - YOUR interests are what's being addressed.

I have found, when I was newer in recovery than I thought I was, I took well-meaning help the wrong way. When I went back to take a look, I could see it was all about what I was feeling and thinking and had nothing really to do with the true intentions of the support I was receiving.

We are here for YOU!

Take what you want, and leave the rest!

How are you?

iinertiacreepss

oh yes. i deal with blame everyday. my boyfriend is addicted to crack and we have been in love for 3 years,...but noww if i don't see him for a day, he'll go smoke crack then call me all suicidal saying "its your fault you couldn't hang out today! all i wanted to do was see you! you're the reason i even bought that ****! if only i saw you i wouldn't have smoked it" blah blah. i was always soooo easily manipulated so i REALLY used to take it to heart. but then after hearing it so much i have just learned to say "i am NOT to blame. i am SORRY that you are upset with me but it is NOT my fault." and i just repeat that to myself over and over again because its all i know to say. but i still feel so awful. i just block out the pain in my mind.

something crazier is...he will come to my house saying he jsut wants to "finish smoking his ****" then we can cuddle and be happy. but if i make ONE FREAKING NOISE while he smokes (becaue i don't have the heart yet to make him leave), he gets alll upset like, "you ruined my hit! why did you make that noise! you made me paranoid. its all messed up now. now i need to go find something to pawn again. its all over. theres no turning back." and i sit there like "are you SERIOUS? you come to my house to smoke and you say this to me?" ridiculous. but it IS the drug. he's the sweetest guy EVER when he's sober. so incredibly sad.

MaggieMae

I think the biggest reason for blaming friends/family is because when an addict is high or drunk, they're too out of it to realize how they hurt others. Or, if they do realize it, they drown their feelings out. With me, it was always "the other person's problem" even though I knew I was wrong. It's always easier to blame someone or something other than yourself, right? Also, a habit is a habit, and if you do something day in and day out, well, what else will you do? When I first got sober, I had so much time on my hands I didn't know what to do with myself!! Hang in there! If he's being so defensive and telling you to get help, he may know in his heart that HE'S the one that needs it.

Neverwanted

Splendra


Im not doing any dating. Not for a long time if at all.

TY for the advice

winnie12

kinda late in replying - been very busy at work.

But neverwanted I really feel for you right now. I'm 43 and had my heart broken worse then i ever thought possible when my husband of 10 years went to work one day and never came home - never told me why - just left. he doesnt drink or do drugs but does have a internet problem. I honestly felt like i had experienced the death of a loved one and I grieved so heavily. He was the love of my life and I really thought that we would be together forever. I didnt even know we were having problems until he was gone.

The pain was so great that after a few months I finally prayed for God to take my feelings of love away. He did. It took time and i found it best to be alone - at first because I didnt trust my judgment with men and now over a year later its by choice. My life is simpler alone and honestly I just dont miss it. Maybe one day I'll meet someone that makes me want to try again but this time its going to be for the right person and not just because I feel that I HAVE to have someone in my life to be whole.

Everyone keeps asking me why I dont date and its very simple - I dont want to. Even my kids want me to go out and keep telling me I should find someone but I just dont understand this preoccupation in our society where women are not whole people if they choose to be alone. I have too much going on in my life right now and I decided a long time ago that if I met someone I like enough to date I wouldnt because I wont subject them to all the drama in my life.

It took me about a year and a half to get where I am. I've always had someone in my life and they have always drained my life of joy. At this point I think I've finally learned a few things about myself and I'm not willing to open up my heart to anyone except the most trustworthy. On a personal note I've sworn to myself never to let a man touch me again unless there is real trust and commitment. I will not abuse my own body by allowing someone to use me for their own selfish needs ever again.

What I'm trying to get across is that you dont have to have a man in your life to be fully satisfied and happy. Happiness and contentment comes from within - it is not something that anyone else can give to you. (isnt this what we keep trying to explain to the addicts in our lives) I forced love all my life and ended up with a long line of looser addicts. Now I'm living my life for myself and if in time some great guy comes around I will be a better person and capable of a real relationship.

Being alone is not the end of your life. Learning to love yourself can make you more appealing to those worthy of your love. Taking sometime to be alone could be the best gift you ever give to yourself - not in anger and not as a bitter woman but as a strong woman who can stand on her own. You may find a real clarity if you allow yourself this time.

splendra

((((((Neverwanted)))))))

I wish I was there with you and could give you a ((((BIGHUG)))). I know you are hurting. I know the kind of pain you are experiencing which is why I am here.

Most of us come here hoping we can find a secrete formula on how we can make an addict change. The big secret is there is nothing we can do to change them all the changing has to come from us. That is the very hardest thing to get about this whole process.

How much pain we could save ourselves if we could only get this and know it and do something about it? It took me a long time to get it. I hope to heaven that it does not take you as long as it has taken me. I hope you are not as sick as me. I hope you can pick yourself up and dust yourself off and never take one more moment of crazy addict BS again. Love yourself girl realize your time is precious and you are precious and you deserve to find real love especially if you are willing will to get past the BS and find yourself

Many of us are going to wait and hope something changes with them and many of us wait a very long time.

I love several people who are addicts. I have pulled just about every self deceptive BS trick in the book trying to make since of it all ya know. I hope to God in heaven I am thru with thinking something good is going to come out of me trying to find logic in how things go down with an addict.

How lovely a heart felt apology from someone who has hurt me so badly would make me feel how I have longed for even one of them to ask me to forgive them nope it hasn't happened yet. I am tired of thinking that it might happen.

What I got is a kind half assed make shift forgiveness message from my little brain you know what it helped. I still feel like I have been used and abused and there is a little burn going on inside of me. That little burning feeling is myself respect calling out to me saying hey I am really indignant here pay attention to me. I can use that energy to feed myself to love myself and give to myself what I am expecting to receive from someone else.

The bottom line on your original question is:

Addicts blame cause that is what they do it is part of the cycle that keeps them addicted. Addiction is a horrible blight on the human race. The cure that really works has to come from within the addict. A very high percentage of addicts never get this or even really want to.

Neverwanted

Jeeze this is familiar.


The fallout from my ordeal left me clinically depressed and I made an attempt to stop the pain by overdosing on sleeping pills. I was miscarrying when I caught him cheating on me - with a seriously sick addict. The hormones are still out of whack and I am still battling severe depression. My doctor tells me it is not abnormal for me to feel so bad - and I am in counseling but I am not able to handle much lately.


My ex bf addict even produced the bullet he found (the pd couldnt find it initially) and SHOWED it to me not more than 6 wks ago. I flipped out and couldnt understand why he would keep it or show it to me. He had also taken pictures of the bloody bed where she took her life as a reminder to not USE DRUGS AGAIN. But he is USING. And I believe these actions are of deeper pathological basis than I could EVER imagine. My story can be found under the post :Is it wrong to feel this bad?"


I got worn out talking him down from the ledge when I would try to leave him....one night it extended for SIX HOURS on the phone begging him to tell me what he took ....


I feel like shiza today. I found a eulogy he left her on a public page very recently saying he MISSES her. He knew her three wks. I picked up the pieces for him and tried like all get out to keep him glued together. Oh and blamed me that she ended her own life. With his firearm. She would have shot him AND me. She told him at one point when he said he wished he were dead, "Well cmon! Lets end it together."

But I was blamed and he MISSES her.

I am so depressed after realizing he was after beauty and drugs and ego. I never EVER mattered to him.


Like you - I blocked and STILL block out the pain in my mind but it is seeping in in the form of severe depression. I cant eat. i dont sleep. I cant work. I am getting counseling and some days are better than others.


I almost feel that he would have loved me more had I died. Sick but true. Its not important if he loved me or would have missed me now...but to read that eulogy was salt in the wound. The first time he left one, I had told him they had made a page for her. He went to it and left a poem. While i was helping him by calling a suicide clean up crew and his insurance company and NA and picking up her junk for him so he could get INTO the house she littered up after he took her in just a wk or so of meeting her. It was INHABITABLE.

I was shocked he left a eulogy after the madness they both created with physical fighting and her suicide...he had it removed. We tried to work it out but he did not accept or understand my depression that I experienced. He screamed at me because I was unhappy with him...gee wonder why.

He may have gone through this but I also had a miscarriage and busted him cheating on me. I saw her stuff all over his house and where they slept together and helped him move her stuff out and him into my home. My daughter left because of him. She saw what he was doing and hated him for it. She and I have since repaired our relationship.

Now he posts this eulogy just a few wks ago. He misses her. Wow - wow. Wow.

lovesmenot74

(((Neverwanted)))

I'm so sorry you're still hurting. Just know I'm here hurting along with you ... I wish I knew what to say to make it hurt less, but if I had the words, I'd use 'em for myself too ... it's just so unfair ...

Neverwanted

I realize this. I never dated or engaged to an addict. This was my first and my last. I dont want a man in my life I have come to see. Not now. Not for the forseeable future.

Im very depressed right now and its due to the pain surrounding my miscarriage and catching him cheating and the girls suicide...its a lot. Its not so much about having a man.

ty you have some fantastic points and I value them.

Neverwanted

HI loves...Id give those words to you too. Seems a lot of people are in pain and its so dang not right.

I wish none of us hurt from the addiction fallout/


If I had not found this room - I dont know how or where I would be right now. I was so isolated and there is a lot of places for addicts. Well I guess I am an addict - or was - because I loved one. Or so it sounds like it goes.:praying

lovesmenot74

Yup, I'm hanging on to this forum for dear life quite literally ... some days I can't even bear to post, I just read and read and remind myself I'm not alone in my pain ... it is the only thing that keeps me getting off the couch anymore.

I wish I could find a rehab I could book myself into .... I sort of feel like I need to actually be at a facility in the emotional condition I'm in ... unfortunately, I don't think I'd be covered by OHIP and I can't afford it myself ... even if I COULD find such a place. *sigh*

winnie12

Ladies please take comfort in your HP that is the only thing that kept me going. It will take time but peace will come. You are going through the grief of the death of a relationship and sometimes I think its even harder because the person you are grieving is still alive and you hang onto a string of hope that it can change. Here are the stages of grief - allow yourself to go through these stages with the knowledge that this will pass.

Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
Anger (why is this happening to me?)
Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
Depression (I don't care anymore)
Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)

Keep yourself busy with other things in your life and things you do for yourself - its the quiet times that can take over your thoughts with obsessive ideas and memories during these times. For me I threw myself into work - if i didnt have work I cleaned house or worked in the yard. I stayed close to friends on those days I felt vunerable and I prayed constantly. During it I thought I would die from the pain, I was sick, I couldnt eat and I lost a unhealthy amount of weight, I had headaches - I was wasting away. But I got up, kicked myself in the but and moved on with my life. I made it and you can too.

Neverwanted

???? I have said repeatedly - thank you to all and have accepted advice. Im confused.