Ok so what do you guys think?

Old 10-22-2008, 04:03 PM
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Ok so what do you guys think?

Today I picked up the kids and went to get their haircuts. They were so excited to show their dad their hair so we went by where he is currently staying (sisters) and at first I wasnt gonna get out of the van but then I thought what the hell.

Recap for those who dont know me. EXBF is addicted to pain pills that he got for a back injury almost 2 years ago now. Been fighting for months to get him off of these pills. Finally I kicked him out 2 weeks ago because I just couldnt take the behavior. He has changed some much with these pills.

So I asked him what he thought of Olivia's hair (she got 8 inches cut off) he said he liked it. For the first time in a long time he looked me in the eyes and spoke to me like he used to.

Then his sister came home and she just had a new baby so I went in to see the baby and ya know what with all of us there it seemed like everything was normal. He sat down next to me while I was holding the baby and he held our 19 month old and I could feel that there is still love there. He got up to do something (and Im thinking oh that didnt last long) but then came back over and sat next to me again. When his sister was leaving we bundled up the baby and put her in the seat and he leaned over me and held onto my leg and kissed the baby goodbye.

For a short while I could see the old him and I could feel myself wanting so badly to reach out to him and tell him we could get through this and to just come home. I know moment of weakness but all I kept thinking was how could he throw something that even in these circumstances could still be felt between us away. I love this man dearly and I know he loves me. Why wont he make that jump?

Again he says next month he will be going into recovery on the 15. Cant he see that I want him back with us at home? Why is he being so hardheaded? Last night he sent our daughter a text message saying he loved her and the girls (we have 4 daughters between us) and then sent another message saying he loved ALL of us.

Does anybody know what to make of this? Should I just leave him on this path until he can find his way back to us? Does he really think its over between us? I need some input here.
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Old 10-22-2008, 04:17 PM
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He does love you and the kids, but addiction is so strong. My daughter told me that she never stopped loving me she just stopped feeling it when she was using. Opiate addiction is so tough to recover from. But it can be done. I know that this is hard for you but you are doing the most loving thing you can for him by not letting him come home now. He says he is going into treatment. Let his actions speak for him instead of his words. He may truly be ready but if you let him come home now there is no guarantee things will be any better. An addict must feel the full effect of the consequences for them to want to make a change. I know how sweet and pitiful they can be. Hold strong. You really don't want more of the same. Hugs, Marle
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Old 10-22-2008, 04:17 PM
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I'd like to respond to your questions, but I'm a little confused. You say he's going 'into recovery' on the 15th. Is he going to a rehab or something?
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Old 10-22-2008, 04:31 PM
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He says that he is going to rehab on the 15 of next month. The thing is is that I m pretty sure that he knows I would allow him to come home. I asked him a couple of days after he had been gone if we could work out our relationship (which really the only thing that needs to be worked out is his abuse of the pills) and he said no he was tired of trying. I couldnt believe that. He said he still loved me and cared very much for me but that it was over between the two of us.

But then the first week he was gone we spent just as much time together as we would if he was home and I think he noticed that and got scared or something because then the next week it was totally different. And now its still the same limited contact limited time on the phone and just today he started to make eye contact again. What is happening here? What is keeping him from asking to come home? I assume that he feels a little ashamed for kicking him out cause he took some of the rent money to buy 2 bags of something that he wont still admit to. But come on. he would rather stay at his sisters house and not be in his own home not go and get help and build his family back? What is going on here? Why isnt he even concerned about not coming home? He is still going on about how he is gonna move in with another sister on the first. And that on sunday he is coming to get the rest of his stuff. Is it really over?
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Old 10-22-2008, 05:06 PM
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Doesn't sound to me as if it's over. It sounds to me like he is trying to manipulate you into asking him to come back. I'm sure he does love both you & the kids, however until an addict reaches recovery the addiction is stronger then their love for us.

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Old 10-22-2008, 05:09 PM
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Maybe not over, but let him do what he has to do. It's all you can do anyways. He has to find his own way out of this and if he thinks he needs to go to rehab. all the better for him, you and everyone else. If it's meant to be, it will be. Stay strong, hon. Take care of you.
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Old 10-22-2008, 06:32 PM
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Thank you all. I believe in my heart its not over. I also believe that he will come to realize that he needs to go no matter what. It wont be a wait and see approach. He is smart and if I leave him to figure this out on his own (which he will he always does) he will go.
I know that I dont have the terrible stories that are so common when dealing with an addict but I lived with an abusive relationship for a long time years ago and I promised myself that I would NEVER do that again. So when things got so stressful for me with his pill problem I had to put a stop to it. I know he loves me and the kids and I know some how some way he will make it back to us.
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Old 10-22-2008, 06:36 PM
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I don't know how much this applies, but I'll offer it for what its worth.

My husband is not an addict, but we did go through a period where we were having trouble, did counseling and at one point he said he just didn't want to be married anymore.

We divorced amicably but still kept in touch, were friends, and while he saw other people and so did I, the connection was never really broken. We did live together for a short period and split again at which time I told him to come back when he was serious. He did after a year.

The only things that I think might be applicable are - my husband was ready and able to commit to the relationship when he was ready - not before. His behavior spoke more loudly than his words. If I would have had the patience and courage to really see his behavior for what it was I don't know if things would have been different, but at least I wouldn't have been so confused during the time. Love isn't enough to keep a relationship together, maturity, trust, ability to commit and strength of character make it work.

From my experience with my addicted niece, it seems to me that drugs and addiction erode the very things necessary for a love relationship to work.

Best of luck as you try to sort this out for yourself. My only advice - don't be too worried about making mistakes, just keep your eyes open and realize what qualities will make the relationship work and look for good, solid, prolonged evidence of them.

God Bless
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Old 10-22-2008, 09:37 PM
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Originally Posted by cassandra2 View Post

Finally I kicked him out 2 weeks ago because I just couldnt take the behavior.

Does he really think its over between us?
I have no idea what he is thinking. What matters is what you are thinking.
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