cassandra2

Today I regret asking my AXBF to leave. I miss him so much. The kids miss him and he feels as if he is on vacation. He is completly UNREASONABLE! Still keeps saying its my fault. I feel like crap because atleast if he was here I knew he was safe and now I find myself starring at the phone waiting to hear the worst. I cant believe he threw away what we had. I used to think we had the perfect life. Well maybe not perfect we had bills and hetic schedules but we had each other and each and every day was a blessing.

Now he is gone and I feel so alone. I have lost my best friend. Earlier I put my foot down angry that I keep having to give to him and yet he does nothing for me or takes a step towards getting clean. I am so angry with myself for feeling this way. My heart is broken and I know that will pass but I just wonder if I made a mistake.

I want my life back! I want the father of my kids back! Getting ready for Halloween. I want that man that would do anything for his family back and I just keep thinking that if he would have stayed maybe that would have been possible. Our home seems so lonely now. I took down all of the family pics because it was to painful. I just want to believe what my heart says. This too shall pass and we will be even stronger as a family on the other side of this. Do you think my heart is lying to me and thats just what I want to believe or do you think its my gut telling me this because I believe its true?

BBD

Hi cassandra, It's probably the hardest decision you have made in a long time but I bet its the smartest. I don't want to sound harsh but living with an addict and having your children deal with one for a long time will be harder than this. From what I've read~~ I certainly wouldn't want to raise kids today with an addict in thier lives. My sons the addict in our lives and if he had children I would be really be concerned~~daily!! Each day will get better. Maybe not for you~~but for him. He will have to face the consequences of what he's become and make some choices. This may not happen over night but hang in there...and take care of yourself. Please get to some meetings. They will do you wonders and you will meet other women in your shoes....Hugs and smiles, Bonnie

hello-kitty

Usually the right choice is the most difficult & uncomfortable choice of all... so you're are probably on the right track.

I'm sure you love your boyfriend. But the man you kicked out is not the same man you fell in love with. It sounds like he left along time ago - back when he decided that drugs were more important than family. You can't change that. You can only protect your children from his bad decisions.

Take care. Keep moving forward one day at a time.

mooselips

((cassandra2))
You cannot regret trying to make your life and your childrens life better.

But, you can miss what he use to be before his addiction took over his life.




Hugs....

winnie12

one thing that struck me is "he feels like he is on vacation"
take a tip from him on that one and dont let him know you're miserable.
Fake it because telling him how sad you are will just reinforce that he can get you back on his terms. Besides sometimes when you fake happiness it starts to sink in and you become happy. I've had to do that plenty of times for my daughters sake and before you knew it i was having fun. Its easier for the A when we're miserable and spending all of our time and energy on them. They need us to continue their behavior. And I agree with others that living with an addict is no way for a child to live. Sometimes as parents we have to put ourselves aside for the good of our kids.

hello-kitty

very sound advice - Fake it til you make it. That's how I survived my early recovery from crack addiction and some days I still have to take it back to basics and "fake it".

Act as if... is another way of thinking about it.

Act as if you are not addicted to your ((insert boyfriends name or drug of choice here) and eventually you won't be.

cassandra2

Thank you all for your responses. Today has been a better day. He told me today that he will be by on Sunday to pick up the rest of his things. I freaked a little (alone not in front of him) but I thought about it and if he wants to run away that I've gotta let him run. I know its not about me or the kids. He is ashamed of the things he has done and its easier for him to not be here. He cant even look me in the eye anymore.

It makes me sad but I know that everyday I am closer to complete closure. Whether that be his rock bottom or whether he gets clean or doesnt. I know that right now I am ok with that. I know that the person he was would have NEVER walked out on his family and he is NOT the person today. I dont know if he ever will be. I pray for comfort I pray for strength and know that I have that. Thanks to you all for your honesty and all of the caring words.

cassandra2

Oh and just to add I dont let him know I am miserable. Today when he said our daughter was up from her nap and ready to be picked up I text him back telling him I would get there when I was done with my haircut. I did something for me today. I got a haircut and felt good about it. So there!!!!!

beegee

It isn't easy to shut the door when you have to. I told my other daughter who is going through a nasty divorce "You need to remember how it was in the end, not what is used to be when it was good".
We tend to always remember the good when were lonely an forget the heartache and tears we struggled through wondering how we could get through another day.
I am happy to hear your feeling better, it will get easier with time but try to remember what is and not was. (((HUGS))))