How to not be so needy?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 19
How to not be so needy?
my boyfriend is recovering from an addiction and we dont always talk because he just seems so busy but i cant help but text him or call him sometimes....
how do i give him enough space without pushing him away?
how do i give him enough space without pushing him away?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
A good place to start is by going to al-anon or nar-anon meetings, and/or reading books on codepency (Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie is excellent).
I was a huge codie (codependent), until I came here and saw my story in other people's posts.
The best way I know to give him space is focus on you. Do things YOU enjoy that don't involve him. I spent 30 years clinging to men, pushing them away, getting them back, etc. Now, I realize the more I enjoy my own life, I am able to appreciate others. I can be with them because I WANT to, not NEED to.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I was a huge codie (codependent), until I came here and saw my story in other people's posts.
The best way I know to give him space is focus on you. Do things YOU enjoy that don't involve him. I spent 30 years clinging to men, pushing them away, getting them back, etc. Now, I realize the more I enjoy my own life, I am able to appreciate others. I can be with them because I WANT to, not NEED to.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Liz is absolutely right...there is always hope.
I'm sorry I came across so blunt. I just see a lot of the me in your post, and don't want you going through years of what I did. You are smarter than I was though, because you're reaching out.
This is a great place for support and advice, so I'm glad you found us.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm sorry I came across so blunt. I just see a lot of the me in your post, and don't want you going through years of what I did. You are smarter than I was though, because you're reaching out.
This is a great place for support and advice, so I'm glad you found us.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
rozied
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Hi Welcome to SR. focus on yourself. There is nothing you can do either way regarding his recovery. I hope you realize that in order for a relationship to go the distance it requires 2 people who are both whole before they get together. The best thing u can do for your boyfriend & yourself is to work on yourself & make yourself the best u can be on your own. This way if it works out you will be ready & if it doesn't you won't care all that much. If you want something very very badly, let it go free, if it comes back to you it is yours forever, if it doesn't it wasn't yours to begin with.
Keep coming back,
Love,
Diane
Keep coming back,
Love,
Diane
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 19
I texted him again today...
it has been three days and i still have not heard from him!!!
i am going crazy here i feel like he wants to push me away yet his last message from him said that he loved me and missed me... but i cant handle him ignoring my phone calls and my texts...
he even reads my email but does not respond to them!!!!
what to i do what should i thnk is going on???
HELP!
it has been three days and i still have not heard from him!!!
i am going crazy here i feel like he wants to push me away yet his last message from him said that he loved me and missed me... but i cant handle him ignoring my phone calls and my texts...
he even reads my email but does not respond to them!!!!
what to i do what should i thnk is going on???
HELP!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
You're dating my Ex?????
seriously, I read all these posts and am amazed that we are all so much alike. I can handle the arguments, the problems but dont ignore me, that drives me insane. So what did my X do - ignore me. He was very passive agressive and knew that was the button to push with me. When he would finally talk to me he would have some great excuse as to why. Office didnt pay phone bills, broke his phone, battery wouldnt charge, dropped the phone in the toilet, couldnt get any reception on phone where he was, etc etc etc. It was all BS - the reason he didnt talk to me was because that was his way of pulling me back in and giving himself some time to do what he wanted to do. Over and over again he threw out the bait and I took it. I have no words of wisdom for you because this is something that i fight with as well and dont feel i can give advice on something i cant do myself - but I wanted you to know you're not alone. Sooner or later it stops bothering you so much and you just move on. Love dies if its not nurtured.
seriously, I read all these posts and am amazed that we are all so much alike. I can handle the arguments, the problems but dont ignore me, that drives me insane. So what did my X do - ignore me. He was very passive agressive and knew that was the button to push with me. When he would finally talk to me he would have some great excuse as to why. Office didnt pay phone bills, broke his phone, battery wouldnt charge, dropped the phone in the toilet, couldnt get any reception on phone where he was, etc etc etc. It was all BS - the reason he didnt talk to me was because that was his way of pulling me back in and giving himself some time to do what he wanted to do. Over and over again he threw out the bait and I took it. I have no words of wisdom for you because this is something that i fight with as well and dont feel i can give advice on something i cant do myself - but I wanted you to know you're not alone. Sooner or later it stops bothering you so much and you just move on. Love dies if its not nurtured.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 58
Yeah - folks who do things passive aggressive kill me. I mean - really, is doing something to "hurt me" or to "spite me" really worth if - especially if I don't know or never will know about anything? My A-exGF just did something that I can't help but laugh about. I did a lot of work on her front lawn. It had a bunch of bare spots & all that. So I patched it - got it all set up. Spent a few bucks and busted my butt. All she had to do was water it once or twice a day & it would've been booming. But no, she was upset at me. So, her way of getting back at me was to not water the grass. And so now it looks even worse. She showed me, didn't she? We can laugh about it now...but man!
A few things that have helped me that may help you:
1. There's a few posts about "what addicts do"; I think they may be stickies. Read'em. Cry. See if you're still going to "be there" for them - and then always keep those words in the back of your mind.
2. Find the post called "loving with an open hand".
3. I think your A and mine (as well as others) are very similar in that they are, besides addicts - free spirits. Wild ones. Hard to tame - not that I really wanted to "tame" her - not consciously - but, once we made it into "boyfriend/girlfriend" mode - those kind of subconscious actions just started happening. Learning about her addictions made it worse. This link has helped me understand her - and part of where 'we' went wrong...
www .wikihow.com/Tame-a-Free-Spirit
After reading it - I had a major epiphany about not only her, but some of the others I had dated in the past - and recognized how I kinda smothered the very qualities about her that I love so much. Not on purpose or anything. So - at least now - I can be more mindful of "who she is" and, choosing to accept her for who she is - or making the decision that - who she is is not who I want to be with.
In the case of my A-exGF - I choose to be her friend right now, and accept her for who she is. Takes a lot of stress away knowing the things in 1, 2 & 3.
A few things that have helped me that may help you:
1. There's a few posts about "what addicts do"; I think they may be stickies. Read'em. Cry. See if you're still going to "be there" for them - and then always keep those words in the back of your mind.
2. Find the post called "loving with an open hand".
3. I think your A and mine (as well as others) are very similar in that they are, besides addicts - free spirits. Wild ones. Hard to tame - not that I really wanted to "tame" her - not consciously - but, once we made it into "boyfriend/girlfriend" mode - those kind of subconscious actions just started happening. Learning about her addictions made it worse. This link has helped me understand her - and part of where 'we' went wrong...
www .wikihow.com/Tame-a-Free-Spirit
After reading it - I had a major epiphany about not only her, but some of the others I had dated in the past - and recognized how I kinda smothered the very qualities about her that I love so much. Not on purpose or anything. So - at least now - I can be more mindful of "who she is" and, choosing to accept her for who she is - or making the decision that - who she is is not who I want to be with.
In the case of my A-exGF - I choose to be her friend right now, and accept her for who she is. Takes a lot of stress away knowing the things in 1, 2 & 3.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 19
OH GOD!
i just got a message from someone close to him that told me he wont be coming home... that he will be moving 5 or 3 hours away!
he still has not contacted me but i talk to his family and they say he is doing great. but i dont know if he is doing this to me to push me away or what but i cant handle it.
im falling apart.
he is the love of my life and we are perfect for eachother and when we are together we are perfect. i just dont understand why this is happening...
is he pushing me away or what???
i went through so much with him and did so much for him i dont understnad why he is doing this!!!
i cant lose him... i cant!
i just got a message from someone close to him that told me he wont be coming home... that he will be moving 5 or 3 hours away!
he still has not contacted me but i talk to his family and they say he is doing great. but i dont know if he is doing this to me to push me away or what but i cant handle it.
im falling apart.
he is the love of my life and we are perfect for eachother and when we are together we are perfect. i just dont understand why this is happening...
is he pushing me away or what???
i went through so much with him and did so much for him i dont understnad why he is doing this!!!
i cant lose him... i cant!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
hi lonely girl. welcome to the site. take a deep breath. you are going to be ok. break ups hurt, whether drugs are the reason or not. how long have you two been dating? do you have a friend you can call on the phone? sometimes it helps just to be able to talk about it with someone face to face.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Southeast
Posts: 114
Originally Posted by winnie12 
You're dating my Ex?????
He was very passive agressive and knew that was the button to push with me.
He was very passive agressive and knew that was the button to push with me.
Originally Posted by winnie12
It was all BS - the reason he didnt talk to me was because that was his way of pulling me back in and giving himself some time to do what he wanted to do. Over and over again he threw out the bait and I took it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 19
we have been together for a year.
i am hoping that we can work through this and still stay together and do the long distance thing because for the first five months we were together i lived 3 hours away. and he will be only 3 or 4 hours away this time. so i am hoping that we can get through this. he even told me that once we get through this that we would be even better than before... i just hope he means that.
i am hoping that we can work through this and still stay together and do the long distance thing because for the first five months we were together i lived 3 hours away. and he will be only 3 or 4 hours away this time. so i am hoping that we can get through this. he even told me that once we get through this that we would be even better than before... i just hope he means that.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Let's take addiction off the table, for a moment.
If a guy is interested in a relationship, he is not too busy, is going to initiate and respond. He is going to pursue. Wild horses and all that, could not keep him away.
Your guy does not seem to be doing any of these things. I know it's a cliche too say it, but have you considered the possibility that he is just not into you and the reasons may have absolutely nothing to do with you?
Millions of former " soulmates/perfect for eachother couples" part company every day. I am hard-pressed to think of anyone I know who has not had a broken heart at one time or another and in most cases, it's happened more than once.
Has your calling, emailing, texting and inquiring of friends and family made any difference?
It takes time to accept and heal. This process can't begin until you let go, really let go. I have no doubt that one day you will do so and then your healing will begin.
If a guy is interested in a relationship, he is not too busy, is going to initiate and respond. He is going to pursue. Wild horses and all that, could not keep him away.
Your guy does not seem to be doing any of these things. I know it's a cliche too say it, but have you considered the possibility that he is just not into you and the reasons may have absolutely nothing to do with you?
Millions of former " soulmates/perfect for eachother couples" part company every day. I am hard-pressed to think of anyone I know who has not had a broken heart at one time or another and in most cases, it's happened more than once.
Has your calling, emailing, texting and inquiring of friends and family made any difference?
It takes time to accept and heal. This process can't begin until you let go, really let go. I have no doubt that one day you will do so and then your healing will begin.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Washington
Posts: 24
I'm hoping you can get through this and over it . It seems like the relationship isn't going well, and leaving you with alot of unanswered questions. Go out and enjoy yourself. It might be hard but it will get easier.
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