cassandra2

Hi All!
Last night my ADEXBF sent me a text message asking if I was still willing to do whatever it takes to allow him to go into inpatient rehab. I said yes. But then I saw him today and he is still talking about how he is getting his apartment with another sister (he is living with his sister now) and talking about his life going on without us.

So then immediately I feel again that the arguements were my fault that I pushed him to hard and that maybe he is right maybe we didnt work out because we didnt get along and blah blah blah. I really get locked into this fight with myself. Yes, before he started abusing his percs and oxy's we had a wonderful relationship and then it started going down the hill because of the pills and I know that but I cant stand this back and forth crap.

I try to tell myself that it is not my fault and that of course he is gonna tell his family we split because we couldnt get along because otherwise he would have to admit that he has a problem. I just hate this back and forth because it really makes me cry and mourn the loss of the love of my life over and over.

Is this normal? Sometimes I feel like he wants to reach out to me but he cant. He tries to say something and then says nevermind forget it. I just dont understand all of this.

He has been gone 2 weeks now and I really think it is starting to sink in with him because for the first time last night he called to see about the kids. I guess I just need to stop doubting myself and no that the person I fell in love with is there but is not in charge. Can anyone relate to what I am saying or having any insight to this??????

Impurrfect

The best advice I can offer is to go by his ACTIONS, and not pay much attention to his words. I used to try to figure out what my XABF was thinking and it just frustrated me.

He's TALKING about rehab, what is he doing. I don't know who posted it here, but I love it...if you put duct tape over his mouth, what do you SEE.

I'm a recovering addict and I talked recovery for a long time, while still using or still acting like an addict, but clean. When I finally found recovery, I shut up and did what I needed to do.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

lovesmenot74

Hi cassandra2, I can tell you that I definitely have that same fight going on in my head every day. I know that my ex has told his family that I b*tch more than anyone he's ever known and that I tried to control him and wouldn't let him do anything ... and while part of that may be true, the reasons behind my actions, of course, have never been talked about.

I'm really naive to the world of drugs etc and my relationship with my ex was heaven for the first probably 6-8 months - he was caring, polite, helpful, we shared everything about our dreams, hopes for the future etc ... we were so happy - I never thought I could be that happy in a relationship. I'd pretty much decided before I met him that I wouldn't open my heart to be broken again, but when I met him, I thought he was different - we connected on a level that was so much deeper than I'd ever felt - and he pursued me which was a real switch for me.

After a while though, he started taking off with friends for days at a time and not really paying any attention to me ... if you want to read more about my story, you can search my posts for more info ...

I'm having a really hard time letting go, and processing which part of things was my fault for maybe pushing too hard or expecting too much, or trying to control the outcome ... and understanding how he can just walk away after our numerous talks about love and our future and the many times I tried to end it only to have him beg and cry ... and now, he's completely cut off all contact and the couple of times I did talk to him over a month ago, he was only calling to ask for things ... he has a new girlfriend that I found out about thru one of his friends ...

My heart is shattered ...

I don't know if it's normal or not, but I can tell you that I am definitely having a fight with myself over how much of this was really my fault ... I'm not even sure how far into the drug world he really is ... I thought he only smoked pot occasionally and HE had decided to stop using it because I didn't like it ... and then I found out he was doing it behind my back ...

I know everyone says it's better without the drama but I still miss the good times and some days the pain is so great that I would welcome the drama just so I could have the good times back again.

I can definitely relate to a lot you're going thru and I wish I had some answers for you but one thing I've found out from this experience is that all I'm left with are more questions and more hurt than I ever thought possible.

Stubborn1

Imperfect nailed it. The one thing an addict will not do is act on his recovery unless he is serious. If you do not tell him to get help and he goes to meetings and is reaching for the stars then I would believe him. But talking the talk isn't good enough.
I have children with my A and there are no actions either. It hurts like heck and I am so sad for our children. I know they are so much better with one healthy parent then two sick one's.

cassandra2

I just keep telling myself that it is the drugs talking when he says its over and that the reason we split is because we cant get along but sometimes I just let myself go and think maybe it was me. Today I saw him and gave him the information about rehab centers in our area and pointed out the ones that our insurance would cover and handed him the paper. He said thanks and told me he was gonna call. I know that most have heard that before but this is the first time I have seen him so open to going to rehab.
I still felt the love between us and I guess that is the other thing that is so difficult is that how can he just stand there and act like he doesnt love me. We have been together for almost 3 years have children together (4 altogether but only 1 in common) and the fact that he is still wanting to have a relationship with my kids really makes me feel like that in the end our love will be able to weather all of this and we will be a stronger family on the other side of this. He seemed the most receptive to taking the information then I have ever seen him. Now I just wait to see if he calls.
I am praying that he will get detoxed and see what he has done to his family and want to repair it not run from it.

marle

It took quite a while before my daughter's actions matched her words. She talked about rehab for a long time. I gave her numbers, she lost them. Then last May she asked me for numbers again. She started calling me everyday after not hearing much from her for 5 months. The day before Memorial Day she was finally ready to act. She walked out on her addict boyfriend who bought all of her drugs. She came home and made the calls and went to rehab the Tuesday after Memorial Day. She spent 10 days at the rehab and another 2 months at their halfway house, did meetings, intensive outpatient, counseling, etc. She then came home and continued meeting, counseling and got a job. Even with all that I can still see a big possibility for relapse. So, I think that he is probably considering rehab, but the drugs are still calling. And even if he does go, he will have a lot of work ahead of him to stay clean. It is a lifelong fight. Rehab gives them a chance to begin. Hugs, Marle

jerect

Actions speak louder then words...

Case in point.. My AH called and made an appointment with a Head Doc that also prescribes Suboxone.. I gave him a bunch of numbers but he ended up doing the research and calling someone not on my list.. His appt is this wed.

Yep, thats great and all but that still dosn't tell me that he is serious about his recovery.. Why? Well for starters he is still using, he is using the excuse that he is just trying to get by until wed when the doc can prescribe the drugs.. My AH is not serious, he is just subbing one drug for another. If my AH was serious he would have gotten himself back into AA or NA and started working a program, because that is the only way he is going to get and stay clean.

Girls, none of this is your fault.. All the loving, nurturing, conflict avoiding and anything else that you can find as an excuse for your bf's using did not cause him to use. He chose to do that all by himself.. He sure would like for you to believe that it is your fault though because that way he can justify his using and avoid taking any kind of responsiblity for his life..

Remember the three C's..

YOu did not cause it, you cannot cure it, and you cannot control it...

Impurrfect

An addict is an expert at making others feel guilty or take the blame for problems in a relationship. If the relationship was overall good before drugs came into the picture, then the problem IS the drugs and his behavior when he's using.

I hope he does find recovery, and I think it's great that he wants to spend time with the kids. What I see, is he wants to blame YOU because he's not getting to do what he wants, when he wants.

Even if he chooses recovery, it is going to be a struggle, and there is still a chance for relapse.

I'm not trying to sound all doom and gloom, but this is reality with an addict. Putting down the dope is not hard...it's not picking it back up that's the hard part. We A's have to learn a whole new way of life, and it's not always easy, but we can do it.

I hope you can find a way to detach from him...work on you, and let him do what he's going to do (because he's going to anyway).

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

cassandra2

Thank you all so much. Our relationship was great before the pills and I am hoping that once he is in recovery that he will see that. Right now he is treating me as if I am the enemy and its my fault because we couldnt get along. I really hope that he goes through with getting into a program because I just cant stand this roller coaster ride anymore. I know its gonna take along time. I know that he is gonna have to face alot of things about himself when he goes into recovery but I still want to know where we stand with our relationship because I feel like my life is on pause. I dont need him but I want him. I want him and our relationship the way it was..

jerect

Unfortunatly while he is still using, you will not know where you stand in your relationship with him.. I think this is the hardest part for me.

I pray that my husband will begin his sobriety again on Wed when he goes to get his Sub's.. however that will only be the beginning. My AH and I both will have to work very hard on our recovery's "seperatly" before any real healing can begin in our relationship.

The best advice I can give you is to start working on you.. working on detatching from the situation and making your environment healthy for you and your kids.. you owe yourself and your kids that...

Don't ever for one minute think that you are to blame for any part of your BF's drug use.. because you are not.. the only crime you have done was love someone to much.. not really a crime but unfortunatly all the love in the world will not make them clean.

I got some really good advice the other day and while it has been a challenge to follow, it has made my life so much easier.. "Live and let Live""" live your life and let your bf live his.. he will either get clean and work a successful program or he wont..

Impurrfect

I agree with jerect. As harsh as this may sound, a "relationship" where one is using, is filled with dishonesty, blame, little or no trust, and a lot of fear.

When I was using, the guy I was with was also using. He still is, which is why he's an ex. I don't doubt that he loves me (as much as he can) and I know I love him, but it's not enough.

A silly thing I've thought about, when I've even considered getting involved with a man is...if I left a $100 bill on the table while he was here, and went out, would I have to worry about it being there when I got back? I know it's not all about money, but trust is a HUGE thing for me, and I won't be with a man I can't trust.

I hope you don't put your life on hold for too long, waiting to see what he's going to do. You may wake up, one day, like me, and wonder where your life has gone. Read through the posts here...it happens a lot.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Neverwanted

I had to re write this cuz the other post didnt go through. BLAH!

Cass...I thought I wrote your post for a second. WOW.

Its not your FAULT he is using. My a/ex/fiance sent me the most horrid email yesterday which I didnt read til today. It basically blamed me from everything from the suicide of the a/depressed woman he cheated on me with to his being kicked out of his band for using and leaving pills around that other bandmates toddler-kids found in THEIR home after practice. I thought he may as well have blamed me for gas prices and stock market conditions while he was at it.

Point being, you are NOT alone and sometimes we find solace in that for experience and advice sake.

I have been in the pit of despair all day today and trying to pull myself back out as all my friends and family have walked off because I was involved with him and it was destroying my life. No one to talk to - just feeling like a dead person walking.

I got on here and read your post and the advice given. Your story hit home and I thank you for sharing it at such difficult crossroads. The people who posted replies here are wonderful and experienced. Detachment and the three C's were the posts that really helped to read. I hope they comfort you as well.

Hang in there. HUG

paprika

It's not your fault, don't let him make you feel like that. I lived with guilt like that for years. He made me feel like if I would just be nicer or do a little more for him, everything would be fine. He neglected to mention that it would be fine for him but it left nothing for me. It's taken me feeling utterly destroyed to realize I have a choice to do something different. Remember, it's not your fault. He had a choice to make too.

Alaia

Jerect nailed it. Please take care of yourself...maybe find an naranon or alanon meeting and take some time to focus on yourself.