Desperately needing support ... having a really hard time lately ...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 113
Desperately needing support ... having a really hard time lately ...
It's been over a month since I've talked to my ex ... and I'm really not doing well at all. I thought the pain was supposed to lessen as time goes by, but I'm feeling such intense hurt and sadness right now I can barely function.
I just cannot get my head around how we got to the point where he just doesn't care about me at all ... I can't believe he doesn't even wonder how I'm doing here with my heart shattered into tiny little pieces. I've been crying every day for over a month. I'm on antidepressants but they don't seem to be doing much (been on them for a while now).
I've been journaling and it's allowing me to purge my feelings on paper but I still have so much pain I find myself sobbing uncontrollably every day.
How can he not care that I'm hurting over here? How can he blame me for all of this? Why am I the one that has to suffer for his choices even STILL??
I don't even know if he's in town, in jail, moved to another city for work with his uncle ...
I can't believe that this is where I am ... where did the guy go that used to lay in bed with me picking out names for our future children? Where is the man who said he knew we were meant to be together forever and that he would never stop loving me? How can he be with someone else? How can he just forget about me as though the past 2 years never even existed? I feel so thrown away and I never knew I could actually feel this much pain.
Does he even think about me at all? I can't believe someone could profess their undying love for you and then just weeks later, completely write you off and forget all about you. I'm devastated and miss the love that we had ... the fun we had together ... and the pain is getting more intense every day ...
Every day I realize that it's been another day that he hasn't missed me enough to call ... every day is another realization that he probably never really loved me and that I let my guard down only to have my heart trampled, chewed up, and spit out ...
How can someone be so cruel? Why do people say things they don't mean? Why would you tell someone you loved them if you really didn't? And if you did love that person, then how could you replace them so quickly and not look back? Not know that your betrayal has hurt them deeply and then wonder how they're doing and if they're okay?
I'm just in so much pain right now ... I don't even know where to put it all ...
I just cannot get my head around how we got to the point where he just doesn't care about me at all ... I can't believe he doesn't even wonder how I'm doing here with my heart shattered into tiny little pieces. I've been crying every day for over a month. I'm on antidepressants but they don't seem to be doing much (been on them for a while now).
I've been journaling and it's allowing me to purge my feelings on paper but I still have so much pain I find myself sobbing uncontrollably every day.
How can he not care that I'm hurting over here? How can he blame me for all of this? Why am I the one that has to suffer for his choices even STILL??
I don't even know if he's in town, in jail, moved to another city for work with his uncle ...
I can't believe that this is where I am ... where did the guy go that used to lay in bed with me picking out names for our future children? Where is the man who said he knew we were meant to be together forever and that he would never stop loving me? How can he be with someone else? How can he just forget about me as though the past 2 years never even existed? I feel so thrown away and I never knew I could actually feel this much pain.
Does he even think about me at all? I can't believe someone could profess their undying love for you and then just weeks later, completely write you off and forget all about you. I'm devastated and miss the love that we had ... the fun we had together ... and the pain is getting more intense every day ...
Every day I realize that it's been another day that he hasn't missed me enough to call ... every day is another realization that he probably never really loved me and that I let my guard down only to have my heart trampled, chewed up, and spit out ...
How can someone be so cruel? Why do people say things they don't mean? Why would you tell someone you loved them if you really didn't? And if you did love that person, then how could you replace them so quickly and not look back? Not know that your betrayal has hurt them deeply and then wonder how they're doing and if they're okay?
I'm just in so much pain right now ... I don't even know where to put it all ...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
((lovesmenot)) I'm sorry you are in pain. The pain will lesson, in fact, it will go away. The thing is, there is no time table -- it's different for each person but it will happen when you're ready to let it happen. I wish there was some simple thing I could tell you to help you get passed this, but really, I think time and taking care of yourself will get you there. It is like a grieving process -- go easy on yourself and take the time you need to work through it. You are worth that time and that effort -- take it and concentrate on you.
What can you do to get your mind off of him....for today....even if it's just for a little while?? You mentioned you journal - that's great - maybe in your journal write down some goals for yourself you'd like to do -- both, short term goals and longer ones. Where would you like to see yourself in a year? In another month? Are there any things you can do now to get you started in another direction?
You asked a lot of questions.....many of those questions have no clear answers -- because life doesn't always make sense -- and after reading them, it seems like a lot of your thoughts and feelings are on things you can't control or change. Only he knows the answer to why he does or doesn't do something. IMHO, you can help yourself more by letting go of those things you can't change and working on what you can.....you. I'm trying to do that for myself everyday.
I know its easier said than done, but for today, I'm hoping that you can let go of those questions and do something nice for yourself.
What can you do to get your mind off of him....for today....even if it's just for a little while?? You mentioned you journal - that's great - maybe in your journal write down some goals for yourself you'd like to do -- both, short term goals and longer ones. Where would you like to see yourself in a year? In another month? Are there any things you can do now to get you started in another direction?
You asked a lot of questions.....many of those questions have no clear answers -- because life doesn't always make sense -- and after reading them, it seems like a lot of your thoughts and feelings are on things you can't control or change. Only he knows the answer to why he does or doesn't do something. IMHO, you can help yourself more by letting go of those things you can't change and working on what you can.....you. I'm trying to do that for myself everyday.
I know its easier said than done, but for today, I'm hoping that you can let go of those questions and do something nice for yourself.
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
(((((lovesmenot))))))
I'm so sorry that you are hurting.. I know what you are going through is painful and it seems like the pain is endless.. But believe me it's not.. This to shall pass..
In alanon there is a slogan called "Just for Today".. ask yourself what you are going to do for you "just for today" What are you going to do for you TODAY that will make YOU feel better about yourself, that will help you move through your pain. Take things ONE DAY AT A TIME and work on YOU. You are worthy of joy, peace, and happiness. You are not getting that dwelling on your ex bF and the hows and whys of his whereabouts.. Keep journaling and channeling your energy into something constructive that will bring you joy.
I'm not trying to sound harsh but consider yourself lucky that he is no longer in your life.. you may not feel that way now but one day you will.. life with an addict is pure frustration and hell. Work on yourself so that next time you will find yourself in a heatlhy relationship with an awesome man.. someone that you are worthy of having.
You ask how someone can profess their love for you and then leave you hanging high and dry a month later.. Honey, he is an addict.. he is incapable of loving you because he does not love himself.. Don't take it personaly that he has moved on so quickly. An addict has no idea what kind of wreckage they cause their families and loved ones, the only thing they care about is getting their fix.
The following is a post that is in the stickies and I find myself going back and rereading this about once a week especially in times of sadness and frustrations involving my AH.. it has really helped me to understand just how an addict works and it has helped me to detatch from him and have a better relationship with myself and my HP.. I encourage you to do the same...
If you haven't already, find a meeting to go to, they will give you the tools to have a healthier relationship with yourself and with other people..
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
I'm so sorry that you are hurting.. I know what you are going through is painful and it seems like the pain is endless.. But believe me it's not.. This to shall pass..
In alanon there is a slogan called "Just for Today".. ask yourself what you are going to do for you "just for today" What are you going to do for you TODAY that will make YOU feel better about yourself, that will help you move through your pain. Take things ONE DAY AT A TIME and work on YOU. You are worthy of joy, peace, and happiness. You are not getting that dwelling on your ex bF and the hows and whys of his whereabouts.. Keep journaling and channeling your energy into something constructive that will bring you joy.
I'm not trying to sound harsh but consider yourself lucky that he is no longer in your life.. you may not feel that way now but one day you will.. life with an addict is pure frustration and hell. Work on yourself so that next time you will find yourself in a heatlhy relationship with an awesome man.. someone that you are worthy of having.
You ask how someone can profess their love for you and then leave you hanging high and dry a month later.. Honey, he is an addict.. he is incapable of loving you because he does not love himself.. Don't take it personaly that he has moved on so quickly. An addict has no idea what kind of wreckage they cause their families and loved ones, the only thing they care about is getting their fix.
The following is a post that is in the stickies and I find myself going back and rereading this about once a week especially in times of sadness and frustrations involving my AH.. it has really helped me to understand just how an addict works and it has helped me to detatch from him and have a better relationship with myself and my HP.. I encourage you to do the same...
If you haven't already, find a meeting to go to, they will give you the tools to have a healthier relationship with yourself and with other people..
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I'm sorry you're hurting so much. I, too, have been through that pain. I have no magic answer as to how I got through it, but I did. It is only with time, that I can see that his leaving was a very good thing.
I spent 30 years in a total of 3 relationships with dysfunctional men..one was an alcoholic, two were addicts. Now that I'm 47, I am finally figuring out what I want to do with MY life and a relationship isn't even an option right now, because I want to feel good enough about myself, that I don't choose the same type of man I've chosen in the past.
Grief is a hard, but necessary, process.
I agree with the above. Find something, even a little something, to do for you today. The questions you asked about how he could do what he did, there are really no answers. My last bf did the same, and it hurt. But the longer I was away from him, the more I was grateful that I did not waste another 30 years in a bad relationship.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I spent 30 years in a total of 3 relationships with dysfunctional men..one was an alcoholic, two were addicts. Now that I'm 47, I am finally figuring out what I want to do with MY life and a relationship isn't even an option right now, because I want to feel good enough about myself, that I don't choose the same type of man I've chosen in the past.
Grief is a hard, but necessary, process.
I agree with the above. Find something, even a little something, to do for you today. The questions you asked about how he could do what he did, there are really no answers. My last bf did the same, and it hurt. But the longer I was away from him, the more I was grateful that I did not waste another 30 years in a bad relationship.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Sending some hugs and prayers that your pain will lessen with time. What was said above is so true. My daughter was the same way with me when she was using. Many addicts abandon their own children when they are using. So you are not alone in your pain. I know that does not make it less painful. Addiction is so powerful and hurts so many people who love addicts. Hugs, Marle
Guest
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Southeast
Posts: 114
LM74- not functioning - depression. My heart goes out to you because I know how bad it hurts. Because you took the step to reach out and post here, it shows you are going to fight to shore up your beliefs. Beliefs that should not be questioned because you are right. Love should not feel like this. Dont doubt it but please dont blame yourself either for his addiction.
PLEASE hang in there and keep reaching out. Dont give out or give up on YOU.
Jerect posted " I am an addict" and it is one of several bits of seriously helpful advice I found here. I keep reading it over and over and some of the advice here that I read takes a few days to sink in. Its a lot to grasp onto all at once when you feel so damned bad. Your strength is sapped - it sounds. Be patient with yourself.
hug
PLEASE hang in there and keep reaching out. Dont give out or give up on YOU.
Jerect posted " I am an addict" and it is one of several bits of seriously helpful advice I found here. I keep reading it over and over and some of the advice here that I read takes a few days to sink in. Its a lot to grasp onto all at once when you feel so damned bad. Your strength is sapped - it sounds. Be patient with yourself.
hug
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 287
Originally Posted by jerect 
You ask how someone can profess their love for you and then leave you hanging high and dry a month later.. Honey, he is an addict.. he is incapable of loving you because he does not love himself.. Don't take it personaly that he has moved on so quickly. An addict has no idea what kind of wreckage they cause their families and loved ones, the only thing they care about is getting their fix. [/B][/COLOR]
Prayers being sent for you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Colorado
Posts: 33
I second what Hurtingdad says about antidepressants. I was on one kind and they didn't seem to be doing anything so the doctor switched me to another kind that seemed to help more.
It hurts a lot when you realize they really don't care about you. I just recently realized that I can't assume that how I feel about things is how he's going to feel about things. I put off leaving him for so long because I kept thinking about how I would feel if someone left me like that. I realized that he doesn't feel things the same way I do. Moving out has so far been a lot harder on me than him. I just have to trust my instincts that things will be far better in the long run. Find some friends that will tell you that. It has helped me so much. You are a good person, you are worthwhile. You were in a bad situation but it's not your fault. His addiction makes him not care about anyone, not even himself.
It hurts a lot when you realize they really don't care about you. I just recently realized that I can't assume that how I feel about things is how he's going to feel about things. I put off leaving him for so long because I kept thinking about how I would feel if someone left me like that. I realized that he doesn't feel things the same way I do. Moving out has so far been a lot harder on me than him. I just have to trust my instincts that things will be far better in the long run. Find some friends that will tell you that. It has helped me so much. You are a good person, you are worthwhile. You were in a bad situation but it's not your fault. His addiction makes him not care about anyone, not even himself.
Trying to Understand
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Seattle
Posts: 21
I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling, it can be unbareable at times, but you will get through this, I have felt that way and it does get better. It isn't you, just try to keep reminding youself that. I know all of this is easier said than done, time does help.
KM
KM
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
