Trying to support sister, not enable her

Old 10-18-2008, 05:54 PM
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Trying to support sister, not enable her

Hi all,
I've been reading the threads for a couple weeks now without posting, and like most people that find this site, I'm really struck by how similar other people's stories are to mine. I wish I'd found this even sooner!
No need to go into too much detail of my sister's story I guess, since its so much like all the others: troubled teenaged years, then 20s filled with the same sad stories of drugs, stealing, lying, lost friends, losing apartments, the late night calls for money, etc. She was never exactly a model citizen, but it was oxy and percs that really threw her life into a tailspin.
Knowing what a hellraiser she was growing up with her, I just always assumed her chaotic lifestyle was just her..and that eventually she'd just grow out of it. I'm the closest sibling to her, so over the years I've known more and also had her confide more than even my parents.
It wasn't until this past Xmas when she was arrested for forging oxy prescriptions that I clued in to what was really going on. I've been having a crash course in all of this ever since. A month after that she was arrested a second time for exactly the same thing.
Ever since then I thought she was on the right track. She has an incredibly patient and understanding bf who had his own issues in the past and wasn't immediately scared off (though he told me some hair raising stories of theft and lies), she got into a program with a doctor who deals both in the physical and mental issues of addiction, and when in her right mind is actually very good at her job and could go places. My parents, who have had the worst of all of this over the years, are tentatively hopeful and I try to keep her stumbles from them (I'm in the same city as her, they aren't).

Things have got a bit bad again the last month, and here is where my questions about supporting her come in. I got a sense things were going off the rails a bit over small things: not at work when I'd drop by, "lost purse" requiring urgent money, things like that. Then her bf called me and said the lying and missing work and thefts had started again. He was seriously thinking of starting to distance himself from this, which has been my biggest fear all along because he's the biggest source of stability in her life. Addiction aside, our family knows she is a handful so have always tried to help and support them.
I took her aside over thanksgiving weekend and said (without trying to hurl accusastions, which just gets her defensive) that her bf and I had real concerns with her behaviour lately and were afraid she was losing the progress she'd made. Though she did get tearful and defensive, she admitted she'd stopped seeing the doctor (couldn't keep up with the fees) and had taken "a few" of the percs or oxys again though "not like before". I told her I would take care of the outstanding doctor's fees, plus if she was willing to have me go with her I'd attend every weekly counselling session with her and split the ongoing costs.
She agreed to that (and the doctor is agreeable), but the doctor is away for next two weeks. Until then I'm trying to keep her on the rails. I'm calling often, have offered to help get her into my gym, went over for our own thanksgiving dinner, dropping by work to say hi (and relieved to find her there). I'm more optimistic than I was even a week ago, though its not all perfect (she took off somewhere tonight without calling her bf to let him know where she is).
From what I've read here, I know I can't "make" her get her act together, but I hope that I can add some supports (going to her meetings, getting her doing things like the gym, hiking, etc, and making her feel more involved in the family) that will help her help herself, and take some pressure off her bf.
I guess that was a long post, but there are no quick easy stories about addicts, are there?
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Old 10-18-2008, 06:58 PM
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You sound like a swell brother to me.

Addiction in the family has a way of sucking the life out of those who are closest to the addicted one.

What have you done for yourself, lately?
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Old 10-18-2008, 08:11 PM
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The trouble with doing things for her is then she does not have to do those things herself. My daughter is my addict, her drug is opiates. She recently met a really understanding guy and I warned him to be very, very careful. You see addicts will always look for nice people to enable them and it sounds like your sister has one with her boyfriend and possibly one with you too. The problem with enabling an addict is that they never have to take responsibility for their actions. Someone is always there who is willing to clean up the mess for them. It sounds like you have gone the extra mile in being supportive of your sister and so has her boyfriend. I think he is wise to consider getting out now and saving himself. Addiction is progressive and things always get a lot worse until the addict themselves want help. Your sister is saying the right things to keep you hooked. Addicts are extremely good at manipulation and making you feel sorry for them. What helps with a normal person is actually hurting the addict more. You can love your sister but you can't keep her clean. Checking up on her, trying to involve her with life will only lead to frustration and resentment for you. She will continue to do what she wants to do and that is to use. Only when she has experienced the full consequences of her behavior will she maybe make the choice to quit. Some addicts never do and we can't know which ones will make it and which ones won't. That is why it is so important to learn everything that you can about addiction and then take the steps to help yourself. Learn to detach from her problems and give her to her HP. If there are Ala-non or Nar-anon meetings close to you, give them a try. And lastly welcome to SR. Lots of good people here with lots of good experience. Hugs, Marle
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Old 10-18-2008, 08:22 PM
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In addition to all the good things Marle already stated, I'll tell you firsthand it is possible to love an addict to death.

My parents were my best enablers. They 'supported' me in numerous ways over the ten years of my active addictions.

When I went to rehab, I weighed 109 pounds (I'm 6' tall), had blown out all the veins in my arms, was too weak to hold my head up for long, and was pregnant.

I was days away from death.
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Old 10-18-2008, 09:54 PM
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Thanks for the replies.
I've read a lot about enabling on the threads here, and in the past I admit I got taken in quite a bit. Those were the days when I didn't really know much about her addiction, and would believe stories like "losing her purse and being short on rent". At some point I got wise, and she's learned I'll help in a lot of ways (job hunting, renting a moving van, etc) but never money.
I've seen her in some bad places over the years: fired from jobs, thrown out by roommates, shaking and sweating in her sleep on my couch from withdrawal, tearful calls from jail (no one in my family would post bond for her). Thankfully not the truly horrific depths I've read about on here.
Jail twice in a month was her lowest point ("so far", knock on wood), but its the improvements in so many ways in the months since then that has me wanting to at least try to help her keep what she's gained back.
For a lot of years I did keep her at a distance, and rarely heard from her except for those crisis moments. Mostly I was happy with that: out of sight, out of mind. Now I'm wondering if that was the right thing, and if I'd made more effort to find out what was really going on years ago something might have been different. Now I know there were times she was detoxing and trying to hold it together and hide the fact she had a drug problem, and I (and the whole family, really) just didn't really want to know.
Now we can all talk openly about her problems with her, so she knows she's not in it alone. That's not enough obviously, if she's backsliding on the rehab, but I'm willing to go an extra mile or two for her now.
Believe me the enabling warnings hit home. I'm still worried sick (though still weirdly hopeful), but if she still fails at this despite my help and loses everything, I'll know it wasn't for lack of support this time. Time will tell I guess, and I'll keep you posted.
Thanks again for the advice.
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Old 10-18-2008, 09:59 PM
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Oh, and to answer OutToLunch's question: taking off to a cabin in the Allegany woods for a 4 day weekend this Thursday! Long hikes are great for putting these worries in perspective.
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Old 10-19-2008, 04:11 AM
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Enjoy the hiking! Sounds lovely with the fall foliage and all...

As far as your sister, what she needs is inpatient drug treatment in a facility that does nothing else. Therapy is not the treament of choice for addiction, because it doesn't work. After inpatient treatment for addiction, the treatment is either halfway house for addicts and/or 12 step meetings in NA or AA. Then, its 12 step meetings for life.

As you may have figured out by now, this treatment stuff doesn't always 'work' and seems to require the coooperation of the addict (and even then, it often doesn't work, as in the case of my daughter who leaves treatment before done). It's not a very hopeful picture unfortunately. But I can tell you as a recoverying addict and also as a mom of a using addict, its just the only game in town.

So urge your sister to go into inpatient drug treatment and stop putting a bandaid on this (or maybe, just maybe she can try an NA meeting a day) by see a therapist.

As for yourself, well you're already taking care of you out in the great outdoors!
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Old 10-19-2008, 05:26 AM
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Good luck and glad to hear your taking care of yourself. The addict in my life is my 37 year old daughter. There was a time when I never would have entertained the thought that my love and caring for her wouldn't eventually make her well. That the more the family stood behind her she would finally see the light. It was a very hard pill to swallow knowing we couldn't help. But I too, had to try, after all maybe my addict was different from others. Keep us posted.

I live right next to the Allegany woods in NY. Are these the same as yours. They are beautiful right now.
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Old 10-19-2008, 08:56 PM
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Sleepygoat: I'd love to have her in a facility. At some of the worst times I called around and the sense I got was that (for the publicly funded ones) spaces were limited, waiting lists were long. Private clinics I looked at didn't advertise their prices, but I can imagine they are hugely expensive. It is something I'm going to raise with her doctor. The rehab clinic I'm helping her get back in two is actually two partners: a doctor who can prescribe methadone for the physical addiction, and her partner who offers therapy.
Baxter:Yep those are the woods I'm heading to. Hope its a nice weekend for taking pictures from the cabin. Sorry to hear about your daughter. 37 huh? How many of those years has she had an addiction? My sister is 29, and while she's lived a pretty irresponsible life since her teenage years, I think its only since her mid 20s she got into serious addiction trouble.
Speaking of cabins, I've often wished I owned one a 100 miles from civilization I could drag my sister to for a year to detox and be away from all the temptations and connections she has in the city. Ah well...if only
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Old 10-19-2008, 09:34 PM
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Oh Brother--I just read briefly through what you dealing with in regards to your sister, and I have just one suggestion--do not get her on methadone! I am a drug addict-opiates as well-and there is a medication called suboxone out that is better than methadone in that it is non-addictive. Methadone is a very highly addictive drug and you can end up swapping one addiction for another. Also, it is more discreet-you do not need to go to a meth clinic daily. The suboxone doctor, after making sure you have safely detoxed, gives you the first dose (which dissolvs under your tongue) then will want to see you a few time a week for 2 weeks usually--after that it is once a month. If she has insurance, most insurance companies pay for the pills, othewise it is expensive $250-400/month. However, you do not need to go to a detox center as suboxone is started as soon as the person is in mild-moderate withdrawal--the ddrug stops the withdrawal symptoms and takes away the cravings. By the 2nd dose (sometimes the first dose) the person starts to feel better. Please go to NAABT.org and read through their literature on suboxone (also called buprenorphine (sp?)) They also have forums like this one on that site for people strictly on suboxoene. They are my "home" group but I like to come over to this site to read as well. But, it migt help to have her read some of our posts and experiences with suboxone. I have never been on methadone but by reading those forums, I have heard nothing but hellish stories, so please be careful! Feel free to PM me if you'd like more information. I hope everything goes well no matter what direction you take.

One other quick thing--if you go to NAABT.org and are interested in looking into suboxone, there is a patient/doctor matching link that will give you a list of certified doctors who can prescrib it in your area. Doctors have to be certified to prescribe suboxone. Also, like you said in your post about the rehab you were looking at have a specific doctor for addiction, I agree with that. My suboxone doctor is an addictionologist and specializes in bipolar as well (my other problem). I do recommend finding an addictionologist and not just a psychiatrist.

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Old 10-20-2008, 05:28 PM
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Thanks for the info on suboxone. I know my sister doesn't really like methadone as a treatment, though it definitely eased her cravings in previous attempts at detoxing. But she claimed it also made her groggy all the time, which wasn't good for being able to keep working while getting clean.
I'll definitely ask about suboxone.
I have a question for you: I can't get her into this specialist for another 2 weeks or so, and am really concerned about what might happen between now and then. Do you think its better that she just not try to start detoxing until she can have the professional help? She's working at least, and I don't know if dragging her down to some addiction centre or hospital for immediate treatment will throw the stable parts of her life into chaos before the proper doctor can see her and do it in a controlled way.
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Old 10-20-2008, 06:29 PM
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Originally Posted by OhBrother View Post
Thanks for the info on suboxone. I know my sister doesn't really like methadone as a treatment, though it definitely eased her cravings in previous attempts at detoxing. But she claimed it also made her groggy all the time, which wasn't good for being able to keep working while getting clean.
I'll definitely ask about suboxone.
I have a question for you: I can't get her into this specialist for another 2 weeks or so, and am really concerned about what might happen between now and then. Do you think its better that she just not try to start detoxing until she can have the professional help? She's working at least, and I don't know if dragging her down to some addiction centre or hospital for immediate treatment will throw the stable parts of her life into chaos before the proper doctor can see her and do it in a controlled way.
Brother--that is a tough question that I truly cannot answer. By waiting she may get herself into deeper trouble in the next few weeks (ie accidental overdose). However, if she is stable with her job that's a tough one because you don't want to mess that up. Maybe she could talk with her doctor and get the comfort meds she would need to detox at home and try to take Friday off so that she has a full weekend to detox. Whatever you decide to do you need to be in touch with the doctor. I don't know how many she was taking a day, but there is always the risk of seizures with detox; however, many people detox at home with supervision and with the 'permission' of their doctor in case anything happens they are aware of what is going on. I will post your question on the other website I use and as soon as i get an answer, I will send you a message. The users on the other site are extremely knowledgeable and have helped several people through detox. I'll let you know ASAP. In the meantime make sure to take some time for yoursel as well!
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Old 10-20-2008, 07:19 PM
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Brother--another thing for you. A previous post said that she needs more than therapy and agreed with the need for inpatient rehab as ou had brought up. I agree--she definitely needs for than therapy to stop drug use as she has used it for years, if she's like most of us, to cover up our feelings and emotions. However, I'm on the fence about inpatient rehab centers. I believe they have true value for some people in that it keeps tham ina safe place while they learn to live life clean, but for other people, they do not learn a thing and the minute they walk out the door they are on their way to the dealer again. Personally speaking in=patient is not for me. I went to a 3 day inpatient detox but that was it. I am working on my recovery through the help of my family, my friends, my psychiatrist (the suboxone doctor) and my therapist. I am in a safe place (moved back in with parents so I could deal wtih what I need to in order to become health again--I am 32). This was the best choice for me. So, the point begin she doesn't absolutely need in-patient rehab, but she does need more than just a weekly therapy session.
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Old 10-21-2008, 08:32 PM
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Thanks Sunflower. I posted a reply last night, but it seems to have vanished.
In a nutshell it was a) thanks for getting the input from those others on detoxing, I'd love to hear what they thought and b) was happy to see things are looking up for you...you are pretty close in age to my sister.
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