sleepygoat

My AD called me thursday from the HIV clinic. She had been waiting for almost 3 hours and was looking for any excuse to leave and go get some crack down the block from there. She asked if I would please take her to her appointments like I used to, because she knows she won't leave then. I said I would think about it, and told her how much it messes up my head to see her the way she looks and lives now, so I'm not really kean on taking her.

She left her last appointment before ever seeing the doctors or nurse, so she really needed to stay for this one; she had not been taking her current meds consistently and I know what that means, and I wonder if she's even got any meds left. She also of course told me she is constantly vomitting (so what else is new? She knows that's what happens when she messes around with her meds and her viral load goes up. )

Her phone died (also nothing new) and I never got to find out what happened, or whether she stayed for the appointment, or what her 'numbers' are (T4 & viral load), etc.

So I'm noticing that I am pretty OK with it - in spite of the fact that my doctor who I saw this week reinforced to me that my AD is "probably going to die if she doesn't get clean very soon" (which I wonder what he thought was the point of telling me that).

So now, at almost 4 am, I am starting to wonder if my failure to freak out is somehow going to jinx things, and I'll be broadsided by another crisis or some really bad news.... You guys know what I mean? As if worry were some majic charm that wards off actual worrisome events in the real world. Superstition. Or maybe I'm just not used to be in this detached state of mind.... :codiepolice

liesagain

sleepygoat, I am sorry your daughter is going thru this and that right now she hasnt made taking care of herself and her health a priority

the lack of worry on your part~~I am a classic worrier have been since I was a kid but what I have found in the recent months with dealing with my relapsing addict husband is that the worry is leaving me and its being replaced with ACCEPTANCE
the more I accept that these are HIS decisions and that no mattter what I WANT or WISH I cant change his choices and NOTHING I do or dont do will change his choices I am finally reaching acceptance and with that comes relief from worry
It still saddens me and I still want so much more for him but somehow I just dont feel as worried

I too have accepted that he may choose to continue to put his life at risk and that he may not live thru his next "relapse"
And with that I keep working on detachment

best wishes to you and your daughter

cece1960

I seem to go through cycles. Some months the worry starts creeping in, others I am able to accept that its ALL out of my hands.

Keep in mind that not worrying does not mean not caring. As lies mentioned, acceptance can replace worry, and in my case its like a wave of calm.

I will keep your daughter in my prayers
((((HUgs)))

greeteachday

((((Sleepy))))
I like how Cece said it - that lack of worry doesn't mean not caring. I think from all that you have shared here of your journey with your daughter, you have tried in every way to get her help and treatment for her addiction and the HIV but her choices ultimately control whether she will continue to follow up and whether she will stay in rehab.

I hear you on the superstition part - as I made changes in myself that were outside my comfort zone, I've had similar thoughts...I try to remember I simply am not that powerful to control the universe with what I think and don't think.

Lots of hugs and prayers for you and your daughter. You are one strong, loving mom and woman!

peaceteach

I see a woman who has educated herself in codependency and knows her limitations, knows that turning her daughter over to her higher power and focusing on herself is the right way to live for both of you. Your daughter is in charge here; you are simply allowing her the dignity to act as an adult when she decides to. And you are realizing that worry solves nothing and is a waste of positive energy. At least today, anyway

I love what Greet said about not being powerful enough to control the universe. Puts worry into perspective and takes superstition out of the mix. Keep it up, Sleepy. Rest, take care of you, and let yourself enjoy life a little. Why not, right?

hope213

honey, it will be what its going to be. she will be clean when her time is right. we r not uncaring when we work our program we r just taking care of ourself. who says she would not have stayed if you had went & later that day run & got high. it is what it is. i will say a prayer for you & her too.

beegee

((((Sleepy)))) I think god is working with you in his own way to help you deal. It isn't easy what your doing and going through with your daughter. We don't like to see anyone suffer let alone our babies. I pray for you dear and your daughter!:praying

Ann

I think your recovery is coming through and that`s why you are not wringing your hands in anxiety.

She will take care of this or she won`t and nothing any of us do can make her do what she is unwilling to do. That`s sad, but that`s the way it is.

It helps me to give it all to God and then spend my day in peace knowing that it`s all up to Him.

My prayers go out for your daughter, that she finds a better path and takes care of herself soon. And big hugs to you because it must be awful to see her neglect her health so badly.

Hugs

baxter

I'm agreeing with all that's above and sure hope they're right cause I've been wondering about my lack of concern about my AD also. This is the first year, getting close to holidays, that I haven't been a complete mess wondering how to get her here, have a day with no fights (between her sisters) and basically kiss her butt so the day goes smooth. I always thought of the holidays and family.

In fact I was on the verge of caving since I haven't really talked to her for a couple months until she called for someone's phone number Saturday. Just the tone and sound of her voice brought all my worries right to a halt. Ain't gonna go there and for the first time I'm thinking she'll just have to spend that day home alone. I want to try to get the grandkids for a few hours since they want to come down. But I'm calm and my mind is thinking this just might be the nicest holidays I've had in quite a few years.

I was feeling kinda guilty about that. Glad to see it's considered recovery, I was worried. Who my AD was before drugs is still tucked in a little corner of my heart but she's not ruling it anymore.

Thanks.

mooselips

Sleepy,
I think you're lack of fretting, is the serenity of your recovery coming through. Sometimes, we can hand it over to our H.P. and can stay at peace by completing that step. Which is not to say, that occasional worry won't creep in.....


Prayers for your daughter that she finds her way....soon.


Hugs....

laurie6781

(((((Sleepy)))))

I know you are a double winner, and I know when we find some peace and serenity, it can be 'odd'. Where is the drama? Where is the chaos? Afterall, that is what and how I functioned for years, lol I had to realize "oh this is what peace and serenity feels like" and stop analyzing it.

You're recovery is shinnig through, way to go!!!!!!

Love and hugs,