I caved...
 

So A-exbf comes over Monday. We went out to lunch and he apoligized for all that he has done, and admitted he was taking advantage of me in certain ways. He has been at a homeless shelter in Boston and also on the street because sometimes the shelter is full. I tried to tell him he wasn't going to stay the night...but I caved. I can't handle the thought of him being homeless. I know it was his actions to put himself in that position. So now he's back and we are trying to work things out. I am getting on the rollercoaster for another ride...hopefully this time it will be smooth sailing but I know to prepare for a relapse at any time. He has court in 3 weeks and might face jail time and/or at least probation for forging my checks. Then maybe that might help him stay clean (I hope).

Be careful, Put yourself and your needs first and set your boundaries and stick to them.

Better hide your checks and your purse and jewelry to be safe.

My EXAH had my number and used the "I'll be homeless" crap and it worked every time.

I'd say good luck but you're going to need more than that, so I'll keep you in my prayers.

I hope everything works out for you Alaia ... i'm having such a hard time here ... I keep hoping my ex will call and say all the right things ... so far I haven't heard from him and my heart is breaking. Life just isn't fair ... I hope your ex realizes how much he has to lose this time and will turn around ...

Yes, I brought everything to my work and have it locked up in my office.

He is looking for a job. He had 2 interviews yesterday and an appointment at a truck driver school on wednesday to upgrade his cdl b to a cdl a (all his idea) and he is going to apply for financial aid.

I can change my mind...that's right. That's good to keep telling myself.

He is really making an effort, going to meetings everyday...sometimes 2. He filled out paperwork for mass health and wants to get into an intense outpacient program. He was considering methadone too but I am afraid that its just one thing replacing the other...but he is keeping that option open too. He is going to talk to people in his home group and sponsor about that.

I feel like I was doing so good last week by not taking his calls and sticking to my guns and having him arrested when he tried to come to the house cause I knew if I saw him face to face I would give in. He was homeless for almost a week and it bothered me not being able to hear from him and know that he was ok. I have mixed emotions right now. I know the risks and I know I am doing a risky thing by taking another chance. Part of me feel almost like a failure for giving in after I felt strong. He doesn't deserve another chance, but I still gave it to him. I hope he can work his steps and pull through. I am going to make sure I put myself first. I have zero tolorance this time.

Alaia

dont be hard on yourself we all have to walk our own path just as our addicts do~~~and some of us are slow learners ( I know this because I AM!!!!)

many times I said this is it, I cant take this again, I wont let him come back I will leave him, if he loved me hed stop, ect ect

but the thing is, my addict is still in my life and he has relapsed and then done alll the right things,OVER AND OVER AGAIN~~~ hes done the intensive inpatient and intensive out patient
hes been to doctors and therapist and yet he stays clean 3, 6 months and then out again only to be "sorry" and then another good 3 to 6 months clean working a program and doing all he can to stay clean right up to the moment he uses!~

What have I learned?

well I am learning that all those feeelings of "feeling bad" for him, my inability to watch him suffer or to be homeless, my fear he'd get clean and be all that I wanted or thought we had once I left him That I just "counldnt give up on him"

well ALL those feelings EVERY single one WERE about me
when I was able to finally get honest with myself I see that I want to fix him, I want to be needed by him because somehow in some twisted way I learned that being needed was being LOVED

I have also learned that NO matter what I DO or dont do the choices are his to make

at this point I just continue to look at me, my part in things and to accept that HE doesnt DO anything to me that I dont allow I finally accept that hes still in my life because I want him here, I no longer make excuses or tell myself I need to help him or fix him I have accepted that I cant, no-one can! only he can fix himself

I also accept that his choice do use drugs has nothing to do with me, its not a reflection of if he does or doesnt love me I no longer take it personal, I accept that its a symptom of his disease

I am more focused on myself, I'm learning to detach and also to work on healing myself my fears

I love him, and I wish that he could find sobrity and keep it but that may never happen and eventually I may need to leave him behind but for now, I choose to work on myself and yet enjoy the times when hes clean and pray that one day he gets it!!

Maybe you need to walk the long difficult path like me and so many others, I know its nothing I would want for you or anyone else for that matter But I'm also learning that it doesnt matter what we want for others it comes down to what they want for themself

best wishes for you!!

liesagain...thank you so much for your post! :c017:

My A also told me that he took advantage of me bc I was so easy. He apologized in a text message after I apologized for my actions. I will text and leave voice messages, some nice and some calling him a loser and saying that we are through. Words don't mean anything anymore. We have both said things and gone back on our word. He told me last night to leave him alone! He says he wants to be on his own for awhile then in the next breath he is wanting to come see me at 4 AM in the morning??? WTH?? It's so confusing.......I have ben with him twice now after he stole my money. The first time it was 100 dollars in 2005 and he admitted it months later, the second time was 2 weeks ago and it was 120 dollars and he is still denying it. Everyone keeps telling me I am playing with fire and will get burned. I pray that you and I will not hit a rock bottom that ends up violently and pray that our A's do get help and are sorry for what they have done to us but from what I am seeing, that's a long shot.

My Abf usually sticks to what he says he is going to do...unless he starts using. That's when the lies start. For the most part his is honest and loyal...when he is not using. I know what to look for now, got anything of value to me and my check books locked up in my office @ work where he can't get them. He doesn't make me feel bad about things I do or say. i wasn't even mad that I had him arrested this past time around. He understands why I do the things I do and say what I need to say. I have never done Heroin and nor do I ever want to after I see what it does to people. I try to be firm, yet still understand his disease. I know it must be hard for him, but that doesn't excuse his actions. I hope he has hit rock bottom...but you just never know.

I am sorry to hear about your A as well. Good luck and hugs to you.