krc691

I am so confused. I am new here. As I read through these threads, I find myself grateful...grateful that my situation seems so much less painful...yet I still feel pain. Now I am doubting the whole situation and wondering if the problem is my husbands, or my own...so...here is my story...

I met my husband in '97, and though I wouldn't say it was love at first sight, it was pretty close...we just clicked. He is a wonderful, hardworking man...perhaps too hard working, because 28 years as a machinist has destroyed his back. About a year after we met, the back problems started. In '99 he had a spinal fusion, and was recovered and back to work as we planned our wedding. We were married in 2000, and he promised me that he would get off the oxycontin. Well, now we celebrated our 8th anniversary and he hasn't kept that promise. My story is somewhat different, because he doesn't crush, chew or snort the pills...he just takes his 20mg twice a day every day, and has 10mg percocets for breakthrough pain(unfortunately, after 9 years, they don't really help with pain) So...I got pregnant on our honeymoon, and that was our focus...a tough pregnancy with a beautiful outcome...My daughter is wonderful. The pills were still on my mind, but I put that on the back burner...I had a child to take care of. So...now all of the sudden, I am pissed off. The problem is, he still has pain...it is mainly nerve pain which starts in his left testicle and shoots down to his ankle. This pain comes and goes, but when it's here...it is awful...he can barely walk(but he still goes to work every day) The only relief he gets is from epidural cortisone shots and nerve blocks, but he still takes the oxycontin every day. Part of me thinks that this is my problem...that I have changed and therefore expect him to change...Here is my side of the story...I am 35 years old...I have finally after 7 years, become myself again, rather than just a mom...a year ago, I decided, enough is enough...I need to take care of me. So I finally got rid of the extra 30 pounds I have been carrying around since pregnancy...and now I am comfortable in my own skin again....and I want to focus on being a couple again...Our daughter is 7...gaining independence every day, and we have plenty of family support, so I think..."Let's get a babysitter and go have some fun" well...it seems to be backfiring in my face. My husband is 44...going on 94...it seems like after we tuck our daughter in, he hits the couch and falls asleep...Well...I can't stand listening to him snore on the couch every evening...I want my husband to pay me some attention once in a while!! I try to be intimate, and he tells me "I'm sorry babe...the pills make me numb" Well...it would be easier to compete with another woman...I am confident that I look good...but I can't turn myself into a little yellow pill!! But still I feel guilty for feeling this way...maybe he doesn't have a problem, and it's all me...I have changed. I had a breakdown a couple of weeks ago...I wrote him a 5 page letter explaining all this and made him come home from work to read it...I scared the crap out of him because I was hysterical...he read the letter and promised that things would be okay. But I am still not okay. Last Friday, I told him that he has to quit them...that I am giving him until January and that if he hasn't quit on his own, he needs to get professional help or i will kick him out. But now, I am doubting myself, and I am scared. What happens if he is in alot of pain? I can't bear to see him hurting. And what happens if he doesn't quit...I don't think that I am really prepared to actually kick him out...How would I explain that to a 7 year old who loves her daddy? And how can I justify kicking him out when most of the time he is such a great husband and dad? 3 weeks a month he is great...the week before his Rx is due to be filled, he is on edge...irritable and nervous that his prescription won't be filled on time...His docs office staff is so incompetent with refills that he has run out for days at a time in the past. He stockpiles his percocet so that if the oxycontin isn't filled on time at least he can function. I don't know if he is really physically addicted or if it's an emotional addiction...or if it's all just me. On a side note, what the hell happens to women in their mid-thirties? I feel like I have the hormones of an 18 year old guy...is this normal? So, can anyone tell me if I am doing the right thing by forcing him to quit...He admits that at least 50% of the time, he is taking them without needing them for pain...just to not feel crappy, and to be able to make it through another day in the screw factory...to me(oh by the way I'm a nurse) he is using painkillers as an anti-depressant because he feels trapped at his job. He went to college and received an associates degree in accounting(and graduated with a 4.0 while on the oxy) But an associates degree isn't going to get him a job that pays what he makes now, and we can't afford a pay cut...Not to mention the fact that I can't imagine his back being able to handle sitting at a desk for 8+ hours a day...This story could go on and on forever I guess...So if anyone can help me determine if he has a drug problem or if I am just going through some kind of mid-life crisis...I would appreciate the help. Also, my thoughts and prayers are with all of you who are in such painful situations. This community seems to be a lifeline for alot of people...just reading the stories here is both heartbreaking and hope-filling. God Bless you all, and if you made it through my ramble, a sincere Thank You!

lagrutke

I am not an expert and very new to this whole thing, but when you said he is taking the oxycontin even when he is not in pain but just not to feel crappy, that is a huge red flag. You are in the unfortunate situation where your husband needs something for the pain that he is in. I think both of you should contact a pain specialist (is there such a thing?) and a drug addiction expert and try to find an alternative for your husband. It sounds like he is addicted to the oxycontin and the percocet. His doctor needs to know what is going on. If no one is aware of the problems, they can't help you fix them.

Kathy

sknyfats

My two cents: I believe he does have a mild addiction to the pills - but, from the sound of it - he's never used them to "get high" - or "party" - and it doesn't sound like he's doing any other drugs - so it's probably an addiction developed out of necessity.

I think you two are going through some very "normal" things that couples go to after spending so many years together. I think it's good you shared your thoughts & feelings with him - and, he didn't blow up about it; that is very promising.

I think some good couples counseling - along with some visits together to the doc's that are prescribing him the meds might be beneficial - as long as you two are on the same page about things, he doesn't just "hear" your concerns - but actually listens to them & understands where you're coming from. Sounds like he will.

I think you guys are going to be ok. Patience & a little hard work. I also have to add that I believe if he were to go to a highly qualified massage therapist (not a regular "massuse" - but someone who is highly trained & recommended by a physician - could be very beneficial to his back pain. I know of many people who have had surgery & more - only to find that getting the right type of work by a top notch body practitioner has change their life completely.

Best of luck to you both!

winnie12

This exact situation happened to a friend of mine. her husband suffered from severe back pain and was on pain meds for years. when the addiction was finally realized his docs took him off - but he was still in pain so he started self-medicating with alcohol. She tried for years but after so long she just couldnt handle it anymore for the exact same reasons you state. She doesnt live with him anymore but she is still married to him and supports but from a distance. She hasnt made up her mind yet about what she will eventually do and is trying to give the doctors and him some time to work on it.

His doctors are trying to find a resolution of the pain because they wont end the addiction until they find another way to relieve this. Sounds like your husband does have regular medical care but you may want to try seeing more doctors for other opinions, trying therapy, massage, anything and really try to see if you cant find something else that can help him. Medical science changes all the time and you never know what new therapy could be out there.

In all addiction therapy they deal with the cause of the addiction - what happened that turned the person to drugs/alcohol and i dont see your husbands situation any differently its just that his is physical and not emotional/mental. I feel for both of you since i've seen how hard this can be on a family first hand. Counseling will help you even if he isnt willing - you're feeling the loss of a full marital relationship and someone could help you to work through those feelings.