drainedwife

Title should be BLAME and not taking responsibilty--is it ALL because of the disease???
So my ah got some money from his dad...he deposited it in our joint account. A few days later i found out that dad gave everyone the same amount which was twice the amount he deposited...I wasnt going to say anything, why bother. BUt i got angry at a fender bender he had which will cost us $700.00, so i said something. of course he told me he got less because dad has given him more in the past than his siblings ....but he said that he didnt have to say anything about the money to me at all--, so shouldnt i give him credit for that????? He also yelled to me on the phone "ITS NOT YOURS!!!!!"

Then I fought with him about him not re-instating direct deposit of his paycheck, (he tells me its because he may want to file for divorce at some point because i dont want to be physically intimate)...i tell him then to start the process...we are married right now and what is his is mine and what is mine is his...and he is just doing this to punish me, be a money bully and control me...so apparently he gave in and reinstated the direct deposit after trying to make me feel bad of course, telling me i want to control him, and he is having a nervous breakdown and is going to drive his car into a tree in a few minutes..he then proceded to say that i am so wonderful and he is the jerk (sarcastically)....I called the cops on him, he had to sleep in an unknown house, he couldnt see or talk to his kids, (he is talking about when i got an RO last year)....blah, blah, blah blaming me when in reality it was HIS actions, of using and of grabbing me that caused it all.....

I just cant take the insanitly of it all...i try to reason with someone who is not rational and that is my sickness....i have to accept that fact.

BUt sometimes I wonder....is it all the disease....or is some of it really him??? like all of the blame, and not taking responsbility for his own actions???? I dont know,. does it even really matter at this point???

ALso, this fight today, got me very upset....so much so that i didnt eat, and felt horrible all day...i am not going to my class tonight because i dont feel good.....This is how badly I am co-dependent...this is how SICK I am!!!! I LET him make me feel this way....I need to stop this....I need to stop feeling all of this hurt, accept what is, not talk to him about what he needs to do (get help) and trying to reason with him... I need to start focusing only on myself and start believing in a power greater than myself ....

I REALLY need help where my self-esteem is concerned....what is wrong with me that i let these things get to me in such an emotional way???? why cant i stop the insanity of trying to talk to him about his disease..i know i cant get through to him.....
How can i help myself????

peaceteach

(((Drained)))

I went through years of reacting like you. Eventually it led me to a state of total depression, total withdrawal, an almost catatonic state while curled in the fetal position in my bed for hours as my last straw. I was nearly broken, truly. It took every ounce of my strength to get up that day, to face my AH (now ex) and say "enough". I was in fear for my own sanity, Drained. And I knew that I had to get it together, do SOMETHING, or I was going to have a nervous breakdown and I simply couldn't afford it. I had a job, kids, bills, responsibilities, and it was all up to me to keep it together at that point.

I hope that your bottom comes soon, Drained. It can get worse. Don't go down with him, sweetie.

Impurrfect

((((DW))))

I, too, spent YEARS going through the same insanity. I am STILL working on my self-esteem after all these years. I begged my first XABF (who I spent 20 years with) to hit me because the physical pain would be better than the mental...how sick is that?

I don't know how I hit bottom, but I did. Unfortunately, my issues led me to my own addiction.

After all these years of putting myself in relationships with A's, I am taking a break from relationships. I've got to find ME and appreciate me, before I can even think about a relationship.

I hope you find your way to sanity soon, sweetie. As Peace says, it can get much worse.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

drainedwife

thanks peaceteach---
that is almost where I am....i feel that i may have a nervous breakdown, and I am in fear of my own sanity. I also hope my bottom comes soon.....
I am praying that by going to meetings I will find the courage and strength to do what i need to do....

When you told your ah "enough" what was his reaction??? How did the divorce go??
You can PM me if you like....sometimes it just helps me to hear other wives' stories and how they were successful at getting away from the insanity.......

thanks!!!

Limiya

The reason it hurts so much is because you CARE and LOVE him so much. You can't switch off if someone says hurtful things to you.
I always hurt when my Abf says horrible things and makes me feel guilty, even when i KNOW it isn't me.
It's only natural to feel so hurt. Even when you know what they are saying isn't true, in fact it probably hurts more because it's so irrational.

I hope things pick up for you hon.
Sorry if i'm not makin much sense either, i'm sort of feeling the same.

~Limiya~

peaceteach

My AH (alcoholic) left immediately, within 5 minutes, which kind of blew me away. He'd been out of the house in a separation and still had the apartment he'd rented near his favorite bar when we first separated. He had come to me begging to be let back in, sorry that he'd left before and I had thought he finally figured it out, but then started the relapse process again. The final time was his 3rd or 4th relapse since I'd let him come home, and he'd disappeared for 2 days; I hadn't talked to him for 2 days after that, just couldn't talk anymore. When I said "enough" I think he was so desperate for a drink that he just flew back to that apartment, to that bar, so miserable was he.

I didn't file for divorce right away, not sure why but just kept the separation going and didn't allow him home anymore. Eventually I did file, after a rather awful incident he had where he wound up hospitalized from a bar fight and I just knew that I didn't want to be married to that anymore, didn't want that type of life or drama to be my life anymore. I think the separation helped me to regain my self-esteem, my dignity, and get familiar again with peace and serenity in my house. So I filed and we divorced about 6 months later. He came at me a lot during that time with promises, tears, anger, drunken calls, and all, but something in me kept me firm. A couple times I was a little wavering, and I made myself not make any decisions in haste, but promised myself to wait a day or two and see if I still felt the same doubts. I always was better after a day or two and stronger. I would talk to myself in the mirrors, my bathroom, work, my car, and look myself in the eyes and say "You are never going to live like that again." I saw myself taking care of ME, that I was the only one who could.

It's been 5 years, and I'm pretty darn strong now, pretty happy with my existence. My ex is still falling off and getting on the wagon, but I've been spared the dirtiness and drama of it all by standing firm, moving forward, and keeping walking the walk to this new normal in my life. It's pretty good, sweetie. Way better than lying in the fetal position, definitely

Good luck, sister. I'm rooting for you.

Chino

Are you wanting validation from him? I did earlier in my marriage, until I realized he wasn't better than me. Before that I also wanted and expected him to make my world safe, fix all the problems including me.

Then I figured out he couldn't give me what I needed, not wanted. No one can except for me.

drainedwife

i think that i too want him to make my world safe....and he absolutely cannot provide that for me--at least not when he is in active addiction...or maybe ever.
I used to feel safe in my marriage...ahh, it seems like ages ago....

hello-kitty

I think blame works both ways. As long as we are in a relationship with an addict, we have someone to blame for our failures and disatisfaction with our lives and our personal situations.

It's when we finally step up, stop blaming the addicts in our lives for our troubles and take responsibility for the mess we have created by our choices or inaction that things finally start to change for us.

We have a choice - to be the victim of our circumstances. Or change our circumstances. Life is what you make it. Not what someone else makes it for you.

drainedwife

I agree that i am to blame for staying in this mess that has been created...but I did not create the mess....the mess of addiction that is....I shouldnt HAVE TO take responsibility for the MESS that the addiction has caused...it is one of the 3 C's---I did not CAUSE IT!!! Yes, I think I need change...and maybe the addiction or rather naranon is showing me how I can change to be a better person...but i just wish that there was some other way, that i could have found out without having to go through the pain that comes with addiction.
I am not perfect, and im the first to admit and realize my shortcomings...however, the fact that the addiction has ripped this family apart.......i am not to blame for that...in fact, i believe i have acted normally to a very irrational situation...we all seem to react the same way at first..OUr lives have been shattered...we try to fix things, make them better, we try to fix the addict, before we realize exactly what addiction is and that it is not us that can fix it....I think these reactions are normal ....we ALL do them...and then someone tells us they are not normal...that we need fixing!!! we get wrapped up in the addiction......but we all do it!!! There is a BETTER way of dealing with it...and that i think is what naranon is...a better way of dealing with the chaos and crisis, etc..so that we dont become insane ourselves......and after a while, if we dont make the choices to change, we will become just as crazy as our addicts......

hello-kitty

Hi Drained,

That's just the way I had to look at my situation to move forward. I had to accept that I didn't cause his addiction and stop focusing on it. Instead I had to focus on myself and my shortcomings and how that was contributing to the situation. In the end I determined that, by staying in a relationship with him, not only was I selling myself (and our child) short, I was providing my ex with what he needed to continue his addiction - excuses, stability, a "home", an escape goat, a family, etc. etc.

Funny. I used to think that I was acting normally in a very irrational situation but now I think nobody who was normal would have gotten themselves into that situation in the first place.

That's just me. My reflection is based on my relationship with my ex and my life in general. And not meant to be about you. Just my experience.

I seriously had to take off the victim hat and put on a survivor hat and get to work. Otherwise I would probably be dead now. Or just plain miserable still.

drainedwife

hmmmm....im thinking about what you said in the paragraph starting with Funny.
where you say nobody who was normal would have gotten themselves in that situation in the first place.

I think that is right when it comes to me. Being very codependent, not picking up red flags in our early relationship, or ignoring red flags because i didnt want to be alone back then. Not having the self confidence or self esteem to see what else was out there, but rather, settling.....i dont know about everyone else...i have heard some addicts are/were great husbands, great dads, etc.....

But with me, i can see that there were things that I should have picked up on long ago.
I could have never imagined it would turn out this bad however.....i would have never thought he loathed himself so......

thanks for helping me see things in another perspective..