drainedwife

Ok, so here I go again with my co-dependency issues.

I know the 3 C's and I totally agree with them. However, I also have read books like " No More Letting Go" and "Getting your Loved One Sober".

I struggle with shouldnt I do everything in my power, like trying to get though to my AH's family to see if we can plan an intervention of some sort....AND the fact that that gets in the way of concentrating on myself.

I have reached out to his family before only in the end to be told that "they dont want to be involved unless they have to...and we need to go to counseling, and also, "its starting to affect our lives now"...

As I am writing this, I guess that is my answer...they have already told me they rather not be involved...although that did not come from his parents who were in denial when I talked to them about it last year. I just feel that I cannot help him in that he will not listen to me..the respect is not there...i have made too many threats that i havent followed through. but the respect is still there for his parents......(HIs family hardly sees him and so they have no idea the drug use is still going on....and even when they did know, they didnt realize how bad it was....and now, they probably think he has stopped).

And as I continue to write this post, I am thinking to myself that all this thinking about him is detrimental to MY health....I need to stop it, and start focusing only on ME and my recovery..because I am finally realizing how sick and obsessed I am becoming with this and how, oh god please....how much I just want peace in my life.......

Its hard for me to read things in naranon literature that says i need to separate the disease from the person....because then i start to feel bad for him, that it is not his fault, that he can't help himself, he cant control what he is doing or saying anymore, and that makes me concentrate less on me, become less angry at him, and then I wont do anything about my situation.
How can I stop thinking about him, and concentrate more on me???
I now know that my Monday morning naranon meetings may just be my saving grace to all of this....i love that meeting..it is where I feel support, I feel safe, and I feel that maybe I will be ok. It has to be my number one priiority that i make sure to get to those meetings every week....It is what will keep me sane.
I need to keep my Mondays free so that I can go...no other meetings have been the same for me..ive tried quite a few....and I still my go to others when I can..

I know I have to be strong and realize that by me letting him go to fall on his own, to experience the consequences of his addiction, i am only helping him..but it is so hard to do....tough love...ive never been good at it...I need to get a backbone...I need to be tougher.

thanks for letting me share my deepest thoughts with all of you who are so caring, kind and supportive.

Ladybugg

That is what I thought about when I started to feel sorry for him.
I knew deep down my EXAH would never feel the consequences of his actions if I was still with him. I had children and I just couldn't let it happen.

DW, you have come a long way.

Someone has to break the cycle of insanity for the sake of the family, and the addict will most likely never be the one to do it.

Hang in there....Michelle
:ghug3

Chino

'Try' is the magic word for me. My situation isn't the same as yours because it's my daughter. I've tried to get through to my husband by inviting him to attend meetings with me or my therapist, but he declines so I let it go. The invitation is always open, he knows it, and I've done everything in my power. Letting go is how and when I concentrate on me.

BayAreaPhoenix

DW

I still get confused, even tho I understand it, with the seperating the disease from the person. I had to not get caught up in that, and when someone here gave the PMS analogy - it clicked, and it was one of those moments that my backbone got another ***** of strength and I straightened up just a little bit more.

You know what you have to do for yourself, and you are doing it. Just keep at it.

(((DW)))

Impurrfect

(((DW)))

I never have been able to grasp the separating the addict from their disease concept. I just know that my XABF was still using and I could no longer remain in the relationship.

I know, firsthand, that nothing I do is going to make him choose recovery, because nothing anyone did made ME choose recovery.

I just know that when my family told me "you choose this life, you choose the consequences. You know where to find us when you're through", it sped up my choice to choose recovery. It still took more consequences to get me to that point, though.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

splendra

This what I did: I got a picture in my mind of an addict that was really suffering for me it was the picture of a crack ***** standing on a corner looking for a trick so she can get enough money to do some dope...although I have never done crack I realized my actions could be compared to this. When I thought about him I saw the crack ***** that I visioned as myself. Not a pretty picture, not what I want to be. I could see how desperate I had become how low I was sinking and how far away from where I wanted to be.

You might want to choose some other image for yourself if you choose try to this method all I can say is for me doing this helped me to get out of his stuff and start working on mine. I asked myself what can I do to help this poor desperate creature I have become?

imallright

Here is a thought ... think of you. Not him, you. I am not being sarcastic, although it may sound like I am. I feel your pain, I know that you know that. He is going to do what he wants to do. You can't stop it or change it. Keep going to the meetings and coming here. Keep reaching out. Keep doing things that are healthy and moving you forward. Take care of the girls. You are one strong woman... now, just take the energy you are using to try to fix it and stay sane in the relationship and move you forward. PM me, if you want. Stay strong!!!!!