sknyfats

My A (ex?) GF is going through some really tough times (and I'm along for the ride still - woohoo! <sigh>). Between seeing mine & others reactions to things we see in her & by her, as well as having a friend get popped by the local police for selling - and, now - losing a friend from an apparent OD - she's going through a lot of soul searching right now. The thing that really is hitting home is that the friend that OD'd did it with the same mix of drugs that she has taken (percs & coke). She told me herself that she too has had that fear that she might lay down & not wake up after doing the same type of stuff.

Long story short - I know SHE has to make the decision to get that stuff out of her body & out of her life. I'm trying to learn to keep a safe distance, and love her from there (Loving With An Open Hand has been immensely powerful for me) - and just be a friend. I'm just praying and hoping that all these little things that have been going on in her life lately supply her with enough pieces of the puzzle that she can put'em all together - and have "that moment" where she cleans up - once & for all - and finally LIVES.

I believe in her (though its often tough) - and have faith (I know this is all happening for reasons that I don't understand right now) - that someday she will - but, I also know that I can't set myself up for disappointment; it may not happen now. I may not even be around when it does. But God, I hope & pray...I hope & pray, that she makes it through all of this alive.

So frustrating...so sad...so scary...so heart breaking...when you feel so much for another human being that is killing themselves...someone who doesn't feel they have the ability to stop - because they don't know how to deal with the pains they hold inside...I swear - I can picture this little version of her - that pops out sometimes like a ghost, saying "I know this is no good. I don't know how to get out of here...please help me - it hurts!" - and I know I'm practically powerless to do anything about it. That little "her" - inside - needs to find the strength & courage to do it herself. I just pray that with everythign that is going on - that time comes sooner than later...

sistergldnhair

I have to agree with you. I am going through that now, with my AS. I know he is in there because I've also seen glimpses of him in the past few years. I told the counselor when I sent him to rehab, that I am sending you a shell of my son, but he's in there somewhere. He said to me..he has to find himself, but we can help dust him off.

That's where I feel pity for him, because I know underneath the drugs is a scared person, who is afraid to feel anything, is hurting so much that he must do this to himself.

katie44

I'm sorry you are dealing with so much. It is devestating to see the addict in our lives destroy themselves. There isnt a day that goes by I have to remeber to have faith and that AS is Hp's hands. My son has had friends OD over the same coctail of drugs he uses.
You are right underneath the shell of addicts are people in pain, horrible pain. Knowing there is nothing we can do is very frustrating. I recently met some wonderful recovering addicts. There stories of there lives were horrific, but they found there way back. It was very inspirational. All we can do is pray and hope that one day they come back whole.

sknyfats

That's what get's me most about my A - is that she's talked to me - and told me so many things she's struggling with - and hurting over. She's not just giving me lip service either; it's genuine, heartfelt pain she's conveyed to me at times.

The hard part is - the addictions are so strong - because it it "what she knows" - and helps her deal with her other pains - and they win out most of the time. So there's very little action to support the desires to change her life that she seems to so desperately want to do.

I hear time & time again - "go with your gut"; well, my gut has kept me here - and my gut believes in her - and fights the suspicions & doubts I too often get; the fears that I have that "I'm" being played for a fool...or that I'm enabling her by being supportive, positive & caring.

I really believe she is on the verge...yet, being so "new" to all of this - I can't help but wonder - am I just being naive? Too hopeful - or <gasp> a bit codependant. I don't think so. I'm from the school of thought that most of us hold "codependant" feelings, actions, behaviors - in different situations with different people - and that it's not all bad. There are limits though - and, of course, we have to keep self preservation in mind ourselves. Anyway...have I said lately that DRUGS SUCK?!?!?!?