Got chewed out by the counselor
 

I have been here reading the past few days..don't know if I had told you all the latest. Last Wednesday got a call from the rehab that AS was having suicidal ideations, and somewhat of a breakdown, that they were transporting him to a psych hospital for an eval..probably 48-72 hours. The counselor had called and told me the hospital and the number in case I wanted to check on him. As a mom and also an EMT I heard psych hospital and know some of the places we bring out patients too so my head was reeling...

I heard from my son that night, he said he just had racing thoughts, suicidal thoughts, and we talked for a bit. He never once said he wanted to come home...the 48-72 hours turned into almost 6 days. He got discharged back to rehab today. Over the course of the 6 days we spoke a few times. Especially over the weekend when there were no groups or anything and he was bored out of his head. He called and we talked about what the rehab was like, stuff so innocent that he got to grocery shop for himself there, and what should he buy, to other stuff about the counselor and that she had met with him only once and she said stuff that really got him thinking....so he called me today and told me the doctor had come in and discharged him he was just waiting for the papers..and I heard the nurse ask him if he was talking to the rehab and he said no, my mom, and she said "have her call over there and have them call us and ask for Dolly (the case worker). I thought this was weird, but I called the rehab, and left a message with the lady there, that the hospital told me to call and have you call them. A bit later, my son calls and said the driver from the rehab showed up..I told them that I didn't tell them he was ready..but just to call and see.

Then the counselor called me and chewed me out. Saying that I spoke with him every day, and that I wasn't supposed to. That she is sure he begged me to come home and I swear, HE NEVER DID. I told her that, and that he said it was tough, but we talked about it...that's what he needs, he needs to grow up, he will be stronger...and she said that he was manipulating me, and that the driver showed up and wasted time cause he wasn't ready...and I needed to be on the same page as her for things to get better. I was pretty much crying because I'm an emotional train wreck as it is, and with someone kinda telling you off it made me real upset. I told her I do like the program, that it was a complete misunderstanding, and I do not want to be on bad terms with her. She said she was sorry if she came on very strong, but she is very passionate about what she does, she knows it works, but I have to stay with her on things. She thinks this whole hospital thing, was a maneouver by my son to get drugs. i don't know. He didn't sound that way to me, he never begged to come home, he told me he was mad at having to stay there so long, but what was he gonna do...but wait..he just didn't want to go backwards in his treatment process. I'm sure they are used to all the tricks in the book, but isn't it possible not everything is a trick?

She said she'd call me at the end of the week for an update, that if my son sneaks a phone call, I'm to let her know immediately. I hope he does the right thing and does not call. He told me he knew he couldn't talk to me when he goes back, that he'd talk to me in a week or so.

Thanks for letting me vent. This whole thing is emotional enough, and I'm all worked up tonight again...I want to go bury my head in some sand.

Eileen

I'm just curious, did they put him on anti depressants? They had put me on some, and I was having those feelings, so they gave me more saying that would work... can I tell you, I wanted to bash my head into the wall... I was really loosing it. I am not kidding, I knew logically that it was the anti-depressants, but I really wanted to end it. I had such an overwhelming feeling.

regarding the therapist again, I don't know, your son said he never wanted to come home, so why was she coming to these conclusions that he was calling you for that? What other quick theories is she coming up with, I would think... Maybe it's the codie in me, but I don't understand why she was so harsh... I really don't know. My thought would be that your son can't seem to open up to her and is calling you, because he loves you. If this was my ABF I would tell him, listen you should not call me so much, it seems that the therapist wants you to work with them. If you can't work with them, that does not mean it will not work, just not with that therapist. If you do not click with the therapist, request a new one. If they tell you that you can't take everything thing you can from this, journal, journal journal, you can do it....

She doesn't sound very therapeutic...does she?


IF my son was in a psychiatric ward, I sure would want to talk to him, regardless if he's manipulating the system, or not.

AND I do believe that's your right to do so.

So there.

Thank you. I needed to hear that it wasn't just me. Yes, they did put him back on the Effexor that he was taking awhile back but stopped. They had also talked to me about bipolar disorder, the day that she called and told me he was going over, and my son said they talked to him about dysthimia. Which is a chronic depressive disorder.

I truly believe that it's a good program, they were in September's issue of Treatment magazine, getting kudos for their work, but she was a little hot under the color today.

One of the things my son kept saying was I think the owner likes me and I think this or that one likes me..he's got such a low self esteem, that he is always shocked when someone likes him. and I know that before he went over, the last conversation we had was about 5 days before when he first got there and wanted to leave, and I had to tell him that if he left, he could not come home. Maybe he was dwelling on this all week, and we terrified? Maybe he needed the reassurance that I still love him? I don't know........

Never fear.....He Knows how much you love him...

Eileen, Sorry for what your gong through right now. Boy that does sound abit harsh, but I guess everyone could just have a bad day. Maybe see how it goes from here on. Follow your gut. See how your son conects with her, that's what matters the most. Sending prayers your son does well in the program.

If he is bipolar, treating him with an antidepressant alone is the wrong method of management.

You are far more calm about this than I would be. This is your SON and nothing would drag me from him.

I'm sorry the counselor was such a jerk, but I am glad that you got the opportunity to speak with your son and that he is doing well enough to be back in the program.

When my daughter was in rehab, they were adjusting her meds after diagnosing her bipolar (to me it is always tough with such diagnosis so soon after getting clean. Is it the drug use causing the mental health issue or the mental health issue that resulted in the drug use?) She snuck a call to me late one night - very depressed and confessed that she was having suicidal thoughts. I was very scared and concerned for her and ended up calling the counselor. At that point I didn't really care whether i was overstepping, I knew things weren't right. It did turn out to be a reaction to one of the medications and she had to spend some time in medical. The counselor was grateful, but if she hadn't been - if she reacted like your son's counslor did, i still would have had no regrets - it was what needed to be done at the time.
I know you did what needed to be done too. Hugs

A Different Perspective
 

Can you imagine the manipluative BS this therapist must hear, day after day, from her patients?

Sounds to me like she had a bad day and dumped it on you. Or maybe there is more going on than is apparent. So many parents respond and rescue their adult children and in doing so, contradict the work they are trying to do.

The good news is he is in a safe place and has another opportunity to learn to use the tools.

Yeah, I figured that the counselor does indeed hear alot of BS and can smell manipulation 100 miles away, but do they assume everyone is doing that? It is possible that he was indeed having thoughts. Just coming out of a 10 detox..he was at the rehab for 5 days...first time away from home this long...the last conversation he had with me, I told him he was not coming home until he was clean..no ifs and or buts...and that was the first time I had to utter those words.Yes, he is 23...but he is so much a baby, not at all a survivor. I don't know if it's because he's been doing drugs for 5 or 6 years, or what, but he is immature...does not seem capable of handling things on his own, which is why I picked this particular rehab. They live in apartments with roommates. Have to grocery shop each week, do alot for themselves. I felt this would help him with the skills he needs, and could show him Hey, I can do alot on my own. The have a program for 30 days after, which I am hoping he wants to go..live at the halfway house they have, and do his outpatient and counseling with them. Then they can move into the halfway house for up to 6 months. He kinda freaked that he would have to find a job there, but it's no permanent. Just to get the swing of doing it on your own.

Well, I didn't hear anything today..so that's good..it's sad..but as much as I know he needs some strict lessons, and get some help for his demons...I sat here worrying that she was gonna be rough on him. Good thing that Families Anonymous meeting is this week. My first one and I'm gonna check it out. I hope it helps as much as you guys help me. It's soooooo helpful that I can vent to people who understand.

Eileen

(((Sister)))
Don't ever feel bad about doing what you know in your heart was appropriate at the time.
Keep in mind, not all counselors are professionals. And even the pros while very effective doing what they know is best, they don't know everything.
Had YOU called, scared and protective, well, then maybe there's a point to be made, but I honestly feel there is never ever a time when a parent deserves a verbal lashing.
Heck, we're all doing the best we can.
Wishing you peaceful days moving forward...

The counselor was unprofessional. Period.
She had no right to lash out at you for any reason, nor to accuse you of anything.
She should be reported to her superiors for formal reprimand.
She needs to learn a lesson, too, not just your son. :no:

I'm sorry you had to endure that. It should have never happened. :hug:

I wish you and your son the best.

Shalom!

taking the other side.
 

Ok, as a therapist, I feel I must defend this woman! The treatment team sets up a plan that they believe will be effective for the patient as long as s/he follows it. And then....... they try and dictate their own treatment, which pretty much has gotten them nowhere, or worse. They get scared of the structure and the feelings that the therapy is bringing, and they slip into the addict behavior to avoid the bad stuff.

so when you tell the patient, don't call your family!!! and they go ahead and call the family, who when trying to help, undo the treatment plan, it is very very frustrating.

Listen, nobody is getting rich working in a rehab or psych hospital. Most of the people are pretty dedicated. It's very hard work.

It's true that they are dedicated.
Some more so than others.

It does *not* give any of them the right to abuse this parent.
Calling and yelling at this parent, for the son calling *her* is abusive.

This counselor needs to learn how to control her own emotions.
Or maybe find a line of work that she is more capable of handeling.

And honestly, as the parent of a heroin addict, who's been using for 12 years, I've seen every trick in the book. I understand frustration. That doesn't give me the right to bite someone's head off, just cuz *I'm* frustrated either. :wink3:

Shalom!

I can understand the frustration, and I'm not sure I could do what you and they do. No, I AM sure I could not do it ;)

However...the treatment plan is between the patient and the therapist, so if it goes awry, the therapist should take it up with the patient, not the parent.

I can first hand understand the frustration from a parents' perspective, in that we are told to let go, pay attention, don't do anything, please do these things.

We're just gimping along the best we can in a situation we never asked to be in.

SO...in my opinion (and a bruised one I admit) I stand by my first comment that no parent deserves a tongue lashing ...ever.

I couldn't have said it better Cece. I think when she calls next, I'm gonna tell her that I was really shaken up by the phone call. You guys are the best.

When I was in treatment for my ED, the first week or something I wasn't allowed to talk to my family/friends, so "I" had no access to the phones. Seems to me they need a better system.

If she is so convinced that he was about manipulation, seems like that is something she should be "talking" with him about, which it could have just been about "talking to his Mom". Which I always want to do when I am scared or nsure.

I agree 100% with what Teach said, No one has the right to treat you like that.

Their recovery is not about us. It does not matter what we think or what we need, their recovery is all about them and that’s how it has to be. The counselor is not concerned if mom is happy; she is doing the best she knows to help him save himself. Because of this please forgive her her attitude.

A lot of parents DO interfere and a lot of parents are manipulated by our addicted children, it’s possible at some point we all are. I certainly was. It’s easy to manipulate us because we love them.

That being said, when the phone rings and it’s my son, I will answer, I agree with Moose, I’d talk to him also.

But……as far as being angry, upset, reporting supervisors, etc. I suggest you let it go for your own sake. It’s not about you (and this is said with absolute kindness). Their rehab, their recovery is not about us. It’s a time to step back, breathe deep and take care of ourselves.

I also know that having a child that is addicted (regardless of age) is initially like walking around with sunburned feelings, everything is too loud, and everything hurts.

Be gentle on yourself, you did nothing wrong.
Good wishes for you and yours,

sigh

I believe in miracles

11.5 months ago, I was the absolute crazed mom of a daughter who was admitted into 3 different rehabs and one hospital, in three distant states, over a 10 day period.

All had rules about phone contact and in all cases, my daughter was able to gain access to a phone and called home, constantly. She manipulated the staff, her peers, the systems and me to avoid working on her own recovery.

It took three different rehabs and hundreds of phone calls and horrific voice mails before I realized I was a part of the problem and had to get out of the way and let my daughter engage in recovery, or not.

It was humbling to accept that my daughter's recovery did not depend on me and was not about me and the only thing I could control was my own reaction.

Dont you bury your head! You are his mother and as a mother you have every right to parent, love and have attentiveness towards your son and the situation at hand.

No matter what the situation actually was, you deserved temperance and respect. So does your son even in rehab.

You are in pain going through this and I am betting your heart is in disarray. You have the right to be met with fairness and equity. Even if there was something you did or he did that was not to the programs liking, shooting mother bear first and asking questions later is BS.