Language of Letting Go - Oct. 12 - Being Gentle With Ourselves During Times of Grief
Nature Girl
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Language of Letting Go - Oct. 12 - Being Gentle With Ourselves During Times of Grief
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Being Gentle with Ourselves During Times of Grief
The process of adapting to change and loss takes energy. Grief is draining, sometimes exhausting. Some people need to "cocoon for transformation," in Pat Carnes's words, while going through grief.
We may feel more tired than usual. Our ability to function well in other areas of our life may be reduced, temporarily. We may want to hide out in the safety of our bedroom.
Grief is heavy. It can wear us down.
It's okay to be gentle with ourselves when we're gong through change and grief. Yes, we want to maintain the disciplines of recovery. But we can be compassionate with ourselves. We do not have to expect more from ourselves than we can deliver during this time. We do not even have to expect as much from ourselves as we would normally and reasonably expect.
We may need more rest, more sleep, more comfort. We may be more needy and have less to give. It is okay to accept ourselves, and our changed needs, during times of grief, stress, and change.
It is okay to allow ourselves to cocoon during times of transformation. We can surrender to the process, and trust that a new, exciting energy is being created within us.
Before long, we will take wings and fly.
God, help me accept my changed needs during times of grief, change, and loss.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation
Being Gentle with Ourselves During Times of Grief
The process of adapting to change and loss takes energy. Grief is draining, sometimes exhausting. Some people need to "cocoon for transformation," in Pat Carnes's words, while going through grief.
We may feel more tired than usual. Our ability to function well in other areas of our life may be reduced, temporarily. We may want to hide out in the safety of our bedroom.
Grief is heavy. It can wear us down.
It's okay to be gentle with ourselves when we're gong through change and grief. Yes, we want to maintain the disciplines of recovery. But we can be compassionate with ourselves. We do not have to expect more from ourselves than we can deliver during this time. We do not even have to expect as much from ourselves as we would normally and reasonably expect.
We may need more rest, more sleep, more comfort. We may be more needy and have less to give. It is okay to accept ourselves, and our changed needs, during times of grief, stress, and change.
It is okay to allow ourselves to cocoon during times of transformation. We can surrender to the process, and trust that a new, exciting energy is being created within us.
Before long, we will take wings and fly.
God, help me accept my changed needs during times of grief, change, and loss.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Ann, thank you so much for this post today. I'm struggling with the impending death of a loved one (in hospice now on that 24-hour morphine cocktail...) and it feels at the end of the day like I've been carrying a rhino around on my back. I am sick and sad, exhausted and ready to cry at any provocation. (Out of toilet paper? Dropped my sandwich on the floor? Dog barking? Hear the sound of GL blowing her nose once again.)
But worst of all is the judgment I try to place on myself, that I should be stronger, wiser, more resilient. That I shouldn't be this blubbering weakling, but rather some kind of super-buddha, calm, unfazed. I am all over myself about that.
Thanks, thanks, THANKS for the reminder that grief is heavy lifting, and we need to be tender with ourselves.
But worst of all is the judgment I try to place on myself, that I should be stronger, wiser, more resilient. That I shouldn't be this blubbering weakling, but rather some kind of super-buddha, calm, unfazed. I am all over myself about that.
Thanks, thanks, THANKS for the reminder that grief is heavy lifting, and we need to be tender with ourselves.
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
I realize that I am going through grief right now. There have been changes and I need to process them in order to move forward. Thanks for the message. I will take good care of myself. Hugs, Marle
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
Thanks Ann for the post.
I am trying to make change in my life, in my responses to my AS and I keep trying to "put on a happy face". It is nice to be reminded that we can cocoon for a time and take care of ourselves. Hopefully it will help me.
I keep feeling guilty for "hiding" in my bedroom and maybe that is not such a bad thing after all?!?!
Thanks.
I am trying to make change in my life, in my responses to my AS and I keep trying to "put on a happy face". It is nice to be reminded that we can cocoon for a time and take care of ourselves. Hopefully it will help me.
I keep feeling guilty for "hiding" in my bedroom and maybe that is not such a bad thing after all?!?!
Thanks.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Southeast
Posts: 114
Ann. Ty so much for posting this. IMHO, it was easy to be hard on ourselves in loving an addicted person, and changing ourselves is hard work, too.
Sometimes knowing how to help ourselves to feel better seems elusive. The process is slow for me, personally. The depression and feeling like a failure and being blamed for his addiction and problems takes its toll and healing relief from the fallout cant come fast enough.
Its pretty bad for me if new undies from VS can't brighten a whole day let alone a couple of minutes....SMILE
I just need to back off being hard on myself. Not sure how.
Anyways. TY
Sometimes knowing how to help ourselves to feel better seems elusive. The process is slow for me, personally. The depression and feeling like a failure and being blamed for his addiction and problems takes its toll and healing relief from the fallout cant come fast enough.
Its pretty bad for me if new undies from VS can't brighten a whole day let alone a couple of minutes....SMILE
I just need to back off being hard on myself. Not sure how.
Anyways. TY
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 35
Thank you, Ann. I just read this today.
My mother died last Monday, October 13. The funeral was Saturday. I came back to my home yesterday night since she was not living in my city. I work from home and was beating myself today to work. I just can't. My hands are shaking so bad. Even my customers told me to take it easy.
So thank you again for that post. I really really needed it.
My mother died last Monday, October 13. The funeral was Saturday. I came back to my home yesterday night since she was not living in my city. I work from home and was beating myself today to work. I just can't. My hands are shaking so bad. Even my customers told me to take it easy.
So thank you again for that post. I really really needed it.
Nature Girl
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I have been overwhelmed by grief several times in my life and it doesn't get easier with experience.
I took comfort in cocooning for a while, I found peace in time alone to mourn, I needed space to process my thoughts and feelings and the important thing for me was that I just couldn't hang out there too long. Eventually I made myself do something each day, even if it was just walking to the market and talking to people while I shopped. It felt good to get home again, but getting out for a walk in fresh air helped me get through it all.
My condolences to Marie, losing my mother was the hardest I think, and to all of you who have gone through or are going through those dark times of sorrow. Remember to come up for breath and to notice the light that shines through your window.
Hugs
I took comfort in cocooning for a while, I found peace in time alone to mourn, I needed space to process my thoughts and feelings and the important thing for me was that I just couldn't hang out there too long. Eventually I made myself do something each day, even if it was just walking to the market and talking to people while I shopped. It felt good to get home again, but getting out for a walk in fresh air helped me get through it all.
My condolences to Marie, losing my mother was the hardest I think, and to all of you who have gone through or are going through those dark times of sorrow. Remember to come up for breath and to notice the light that shines through your window.
Hugs
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