marle

As most of you know my daughter has moved into her own apartment. Well today I set the final boundary when she came over here to eat our food, use our bathroom to put on her makeup, iron her clothes and to assume that I was going to give her a ride to her meeting at work, pick her up afterward and then drive her back to work her shift tonight, while her boyfriend went and stained a deck. When her attitude did not show gratitude, I told her that from now on my house is off limits to her. She is not welcome and the door will be locked. I got the usual quacking that we should be able to forgive her slip with alcohol last week, quack,quack, quack. So she walked to her meeting (about 5 blocks) and when she returned I had the rest of her stuff packed up. Her boyfriend was with her and I told him to make sure that he bought some renter's insurance and to watch his wallet. He just looked at me like, huh? She is just screaming addict behavior whether she is using or not and I told her that when she has found a sponsor and really worked a 4th and 5th step then give me a call. This is so not about using or not. This is about my boundaries, my right to have them and to have my feelings and to be treated with respect. She wants to wear the big girl panties, then it is time for her to step up and do the next right thing. The only problem is the boyfriend who is a really decent boy. Raised on a farm and a hardworker. Loves to hunt and fish which is something my daughter would not even consider. So I am sitting here pondering why a boy with so much going for him would let himself be talked into moving in with a girl that he has dated for less than two weeks, and who he has seen lie straight up to her parents. Everything with her is a red flag. And now she has no relationship with us and is not welcome to have one. I have warned him about her and yet they are together. She sees nothing wrong with what she is doing to him and to herself. She got him to move in with her by promising sex as soon as they got their apartment but has since changed her mind. Yet she feels that she has accomplished so much since she is now living on her own. Argggg...another enabler in her life. Well at least it is not me. The $20,000 he has in the bank will not last long with her. Thanks guys, I just needed to vent.

grateful2b

Marle, I got to chuckle...I bet her head is still spinning!
she is one lucky girl, even though she doesn't know it yet
good job on the boundaries- steel trap strong!
we know it is so the right thing to do, and the venting has to help a little
feel a little sorry for the guy though, but he'll get some good learning out of it, after all that is why he is there....and he may just be the situation that gets her back on track eventually...we don't know the plan
hugs and prayers for you , Meagan and Mr Marle... Grateful

mooselips

Good job, Marle,
Your recovery is shining through.

I guess if you want to wear big girl panties, you have to assume adult, big girl responsibilities!

Makes me feel a bit sorry for him though, but I see my As always has a GF, and I wonder what they're thinking.

You did a nice job, and stuck to the facts, and didn't let her quack you senseless!

marshallzhukov

Ma'am,
Just a word to the wise that you might want to pass onto your daughter's BF - renters insurance will almost never cover anything in a dwelling that is stolen by someone who has been permitted to enter the premises by the occupant. Insurance will only cover items that are stolen if their is a forcible or unlawful entry as determined by the local police. Also, most renters insurance companies will also not cover damages to an apartment made by someone who again has been willfully permitted into the apartment by the owner. I have found out both of these facts the hard way...

Hangin' In

Oh Marle, I know this feeling, a AD who is "screaming addict behavior whether she is using or not." Makes my stomach feel topsy turvy, but just as you've done, that's when recovery HAS to kick in. As a precious little, ole 82 yr old woman in my meetings says, "You have to take healthy care of you." She is so right. And there's something very healthy about boundaries which help us keep our sanity and serenity.

I'm sorry you are in this situation right now (I'm being optimistic...never know what your AD's HP is going to teach her through this one). But we do know that we can't continue to enable. And then we pray, pray, pray that our loved one will learn the lesson they need to learn in order to get to a better place. One thing for sure is we'd steal from them the chance to learn if we didn't set these boundaries. And it was a real "ah ha" moment for me when I realized I had been stealing from my daughter ... stealing the opportunity for her to grow up and be responsible for her actions and suffer or benefit from those actions she chose.

I'm proud of you Marle. This is so tough, I know. But you really are doing what is best for both you and your AD.

Hugs and prayers for both of you,
Hangin' In

beegee

Marle you are sure sticking to your guns and it ust make you feel good to know your not enabling her now. Sorry to hear the BF is but like us they just don't understand drugs maybe or the addiction and what it does. Time will tell on that and meanwhile you will have your peace of mind in your own home. Good to see you being strong..

greeteachday

Sorry she is quacking, Marle, but you handled it soooo well! I hope this brings an opportunity for Megan to grow in her recovery. Hugs

Chino

Thanks to his sister, my 23 year old son can spot a young woman with issues from miles away. The codie gene seems to have missed him, thank goodness!

Good for you marle! My mother (ironically a drug and alcohol case manager at a homeless shelter) constantly battles enabling my sister, who is not a substance abuser. My mom loses the battle more times than she wins. My sister is 46 and just moved home again, until she figures out what she's going to do about husband #4.

My mom is 70 and it is her choice to allow this again. I'm glad you're sticking to your guns, marle. My mom is not very happy these days and it's been a lifetime of enabling that's done it. She and my sister are a big reason why I stay focused on my recovery, though not in a way they'd like

sleepygoat

I'm so sorry this is turning out this way for you. I didn't know she relapsed on alcohol last week (not a good sign). And its too bad she can't understand simple boundaries and the give and take of relationships with family. However, i wouldn't nominate the new BF for sainthood yet. I remember thinking that my AD's BF was such a nice guy, and also wondering why he would set up house with her.... Well he turned out to be a controlling, abusive, manipulative jerk. Unevenly yoked people don't often fall for each other. He is probably an enabler for sure, but he is NOT a saint, nor is he likely to be emotionally healthy. It is amazing, though, how our girls are so skilled at finding men to take care of them...

And yes, home owner's or renter's insurance does not cover anyone who has legal access to the place (we could not replace anything our AD stole that way).

You are doing great, though, in light of all of this!

Impurrfect

(((Marle)))

Sorry Megan is quacking, feel sorry for the bf, but darned if YOU don't sound great!!! If anyone had warned me about my ex's, I wouldn't have listened. It seems the only way I learn something is the hard way, so maybe her bf is the same.

Hugs and prayers to you all!

Amy

rozied

(((Marle)))
You handle things beautifully. Whatever will be will be with her new relationship. You were more than honest telling her bf about her so think of it as lessons he needed to learn if the relatioship goes belly up.
Love,
Diane

caileesnana

sorry Megan is acting out, it must be in the air! I admire your strength and recovery skills. You both are always in my prayers,
susan

CatsPajamas

Hopefully they will both learn and grow from this relationship. I was a fixer and rescuer... I just knew I could be the one who understood him better and would help him live up to that potential I saw waaaaaaay down inside there.

That didn't end up so well for me.... as my favorite lawyer used to tell me, "Two sickies do not a Wellie make."

Mom hugs
Cats

ctrom40

Marle,

I think that you are doing great by sticking to your boundries and putting the focus back on you.

Big girl panties require big girl decisions

As for her new boyfriend, he has to worry about his own big boy pants.

Hugs,

Ladybugg

that feeling that we get when they start that addict thinking...we can smell it a mile away and there isn't one thing we can do about it. thank goodness we can still live our lives and not become paralyzed because of it. she is a very lucky girl....i know i have said it before...to have a mom like you

Ann

Love is blind, but thank goodness you are not!!!

Nice move Miss Marle...you shine!

Hugs

outtolunch

Wowzer, Marle.

Scenes like this are played out all the time and it has nothing to do with addiction. She wants the benefits of being an adult, but none the responsibilities. I am familiar with this.

How easy it would be to go into the "Eddie Haskell" routine. But noooo, they have to run the mouth....

Good for you for maintaining your personal boundaries and tomorrow is another day.

Don't worry about "nice guy".

peaceteach

Thanks for a good example of keeping the focus on YOU, Marle. I always need those!