My 18 yo AS...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: California
Posts: 44
My 18 yo AS...
He came up clean on a drug test 3 days ago. He came up dirty yesterday. He of course says that can't be right, etc., etc., etc. He is currently in a IOP. He goes to meetings 3 nights a week; however, he has not gone to 1 AA or NA meeting. I don't think he has gone more than a week without using Oxycontin. He also came up dirty for methampetamines. He is in this program because that is a requirement for him to live at home. I told him last week if he didn't pass a drug test here at home (which I give him every 2 days) he would have to go into a residential program if he wanted to continue living here.
So, I am trying to find a program this morning. He has agreed to go; however, only because that is our requirement; not because he wants to. I am in a bit of a quandry because I know he should be asking for help, not doing it just because we told him to. But I don't think it will hurt him to go. My insurance will pay for 30 days a year. I figure he can go for 30 days and if it gets him away from access to the drug then he has a fighting chance. If he relapses when he gets out, then I can send him for another 30 days after the new year starts, but only if he asks for help.
My therapist says that he gets people sent to him because of the courts, etc. that don't want to be there and are resentful. However, the therapy ends up helping them anyway. So he says that this will only help him and get him clean for at least 30 days.
This is so hard! I love my son to pieces and want him back!
Kathy
So, I am trying to find a program this morning. He has agreed to go; however, only because that is our requirement; not because he wants to. I am in a bit of a quandry because I know he should be asking for help, not doing it just because we told him to. But I don't think it will hurt him to go. My insurance will pay for 30 days a year. I figure he can go for 30 days and if it gets him away from access to the drug then he has a fighting chance. If he relapses when he gets out, then I can send him for another 30 days after the new year starts, but only if he asks for help.
My therapist says that he gets people sent to him because of the courts, etc. that don't want to be there and are resentful. However, the therapy ends up helping them anyway. So he says that this will only help him and get him clean for at least 30 days.
This is so hard! I love my son to pieces and want him back!
Kathy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I'd like to offer you a perspective as a recovering addict/alcoholic, and by the way, I have two ADs, so I do understand the parent's perspective.
At some point, we have to let go of our 'kids'.
I am now 50 years old, and my mother still addresses me like a child. I have been clean/sober over 18 years now, am in college full-time and am a responsible member of society.
Any attempts that my parents made to 'help' me while I was active in my addictions only fueled my already pre-existing resentments and anger that I had towards them and their efforts to control me.
My 30 year old AD has had plenty of opportunities to embrace recovery. She was in rehab and was kicked out after two weeks because she thought it was a bed and breakfast, and she should only participate when she felt like it.
She has lost custody of her children. She has been in jail numerous times, and is currently on probation again for more charges.
She hasn't worked a job in over 10 years now, has applied for disability because she now has COPD from smoking pot on a daily basis for 15 years, and abuses prescription drugs on top of everything else.
I gave her a chance to start over after her first incarceration over meth-related felony charges.
She was out of my home in 30 days, I changed the locks and got a restraining order on her.
I no longer lose sleep at night because I have faith that God does indeed have a plan for both of my ADs, just as he had for me.
I won't interfere with those plans today.
At some point, we have to let go of our 'kids'.
I am now 50 years old, and my mother still addresses me like a child. I have been clean/sober over 18 years now, am in college full-time and am a responsible member of society.
Any attempts that my parents made to 'help' me while I was active in my addictions only fueled my already pre-existing resentments and anger that I had towards them and their efforts to control me.
My 30 year old AD has had plenty of opportunities to embrace recovery. She was in rehab and was kicked out after two weeks because she thought it was a bed and breakfast, and she should only participate when she felt like it.
She has lost custody of her children. She has been in jail numerous times, and is currently on probation again for more charges.
She hasn't worked a job in over 10 years now, has applied for disability because she now has COPD from smoking pot on a daily basis for 15 years, and abuses prescription drugs on top of everything else.
I gave her a chance to start over after her first incarceration over meth-related felony charges.
She was out of my home in 30 days, I changed the locks and got a restraining order on her.
I no longer lose sleep at night because I have faith that God does indeed have a plan for both of my ADs, just as he had for me.
I won't interfere with those plans today.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Welcome to SR!
I'm a recovering addict (RA) but have no personal experience with rehab.
I know that when A's (addicts) go into recovery to please someone else (parents, spouse, the law) it usually does not work...at first. However, rehab gives the A the tools to use in recovery...how to deal with life and not pick up.
When they are READY for recovery, they will remember these things.
I also know that most A's won't stop until the consequences of using get bad enough. A lot of that comes from the people who love them not enabling them.
Your son is young, and probably doesn't have a clue that there can be some serious consequences for using. The sooner he finds out, the faster he will realize that using just isn't worth it. Unfortunately, for some of us it takes a long, long time.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm a recovering addict (RA) but have no personal experience with rehab.
I know that when A's (addicts) go into recovery to please someone else (parents, spouse, the law) it usually does not work...at first. However, rehab gives the A the tools to use in recovery...how to deal with life and not pick up.
When they are READY for recovery, they will remember these things.
I also know that most A's won't stop until the consequences of using get bad enough. A lot of that comes from the people who love them not enabling them.
Your son is young, and probably doesn't have a clue that there can be some serious consequences for using. The sooner he finds out, the faster he will realize that using just isn't worth it. Unfortunately, for some of us it takes a long, long time.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 328
California has great Sober Living houses - lots of state and private programs. I'm sure your therapist can recommend something. My son got clean this last time in AA in California - no detox or rehab. But he was ready - almost dead -everyone left him - and he had a moment of clarity - and his mother was on the opposite side on the country and didn't know until he had 10 days!
But ultimately, it has to be his choice. We just can't make them get clean. I was more interested in my teenaged ASs getting clean than they were.
Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
Feel free to PM me if you want more specifics.
But ultimately, it has to be his choice. We just can't make them get clean. I was more interested in my teenaged ASs getting clean than they were.
Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
Feel free to PM me if you want more specifics.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Welcome to SR. We sent our daughter to rehab when she was 19. She was addicted to Oxy. She was not ready and used within days of coming home. Her addiction progressed to heroin and she spent 2+ years with her supplier, an addict 17 years her senior. This past May she was finally ready and tried rehab and a halfway house. I do not regret trying to help her. I no longer feel any guilt over her addiction because I know that the time she spent this summer in rehab and a halfway house gave her the tools that she needs to stay clean. She recently drank. We asked her to move out and she did last night. She is still working, attending meeting and seeing an addiction counselor. This time I absolutely know that there is nothing more that I can do for her. It is her problem and she must find her own solution. Letting go is not easy but it is doable and absolutely essential if you want to get off the rollercoaster of addiction. You can do it. Hugs, Marle
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Your insur will pay, your son is willing to go and rehab is the conseq. wow
sounds like a good start.
my opinion would be send him today !!! A no brainer....
When they are young they are unable to get help on their own.
Get between him and drugs. He may or may not stay sober after rehab, but if he doesn't go, you can bet he won't be sober.
sounds like a good start.
my opinion would be send him today !!! A no brainer....
When they are young they are unable to get help on their own.
Get between him and drugs. He may or may not stay sober after rehab, but if he doesn't go, you can bet he won't be sober.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: CA
Posts: 101
Hi Kathy,
I can relate... If I were in your shoes, I'd be sending him too. What do you have to lose? My son did an inpatient for almost 30 days (he left around day 25!), and while he obviously wasn't "ready," he did learn some tools and just recently he came to stay with us for a week and I noticed that he had brought his binder from rehab with him. Which tells me that he does refer to it- I have no idea how often, or for what specifically, but nonetheless, he still has it.
I understand your vacillating, because we often get told that until the addict is ready we're wasting our time and while that may be true, I also think there are exceptions. I'd go with your gut on this one...
I can relate... If I were in your shoes, I'd be sending him too. What do you have to lose? My son did an inpatient for almost 30 days (he left around day 25!), and while he obviously wasn't "ready," he did learn some tools and just recently he came to stay with us for a week and I noticed that he had brought his binder from rehab with him. Which tells me that he does refer to it- I have no idea how often, or for what specifically, but nonetheless, he still has it.
I understand your vacillating, because we often get told that until the addict is ready we're wasting our time and while that may be true, I also think there are exceptions. I'd go with your gut on this one...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome to S.R. i am glad you found us. most often if our addict is not ready for help rehab will not help them. it is hard for an addict to stay clean even when they want to. your son has got to want the help. he may stay clean for 30 days but then he may not.i am sorry you are going thru this. my 37 yr. old son is my addict & i know they have to hit there bottom before they are will to try to stay clean. each time i have hoped it would be my sons time but each time it only gets worse. today he is in jail on charges & will be trialed as habitual. he says this is his time,he has finally hit his bottom. it does only get worse till they are ready. i love my son to pieces too but love will not keep them clean. work on yourself & recovery for you. keep coming back here. you & your son both are in my prayers.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: California
Posts: 44
Thank you for all your replies. I will put him in a 30 day inpatient rehab since that is the consequence that we told him would happen. He will gain tools he can use in the future. I should hear back from a few of the rehabs today.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
