jail time coming.....

Old 10-08-2008, 06:58 PM
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jail time coming.....

Well, my AS has been out of my house for 2 weeks and today we had a court date. We found out that he will be serving jail time for violating his probation. I knew that it was probably going to happen. But it was another thing to listen to it officially. They will give him release time for school and work, so he thinks it's going to be a piece of cake. He came home whistling "Folsum prison!" Of course I know he's scared underneath and showing bravado on top, but it angered me so much. I called him an idiot and left. He will be in jail over Thanksgiving for sure and possibly Christmas. We will find out on November 3rd when he goes to jail.

I am sad that it has come to this, but I know he needs to face the consequences of his actions. Maybe this will be a wake up call for him; maybe not. I really have no influence on him. I guess what added insult to injury was that he was trying to joke about it. He's 18 and he knows everything.

I had a good cry and then a nap, went for coffee with a friend. I know that I can't be around him. He twists, lies and contorts all truths. He is an addict and he will do anything he can to stay high or drunk, whichever is convenient. I just feel sad though. Not so much about the jail time, but about the total denial and the obvious mental illness that is apparent in his life.

I do feel hopeless tonight. My son is lost, and he doesn't even know it. Or at least won't admit it.

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Old 10-08-2008, 07:01 PM
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Just to share, my boyfriend is currently in jail and says it is the best thing for him right now. I don't want to say this in order to make you feel bad, but to show you that there is still hope and this might just be the best thing for him. My mantra is Let Go, Let Go, Let Go and Me, Me, Me...
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Old 10-08-2008, 07:05 PM
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Addiction makes it impossible for them to admit it, Khrea. It they were to admit that they had a problem, then they would have to find a solution. I know this is hard for you but if it is meant for him to find his way, he will. My daughter tends to put on a false front when she is feeling vulnerable. I am sure that underneath your son is scared but the drugs and alcohol take away that feeling. They don't have the ability to think beyond their next high. I am sure that he is only thinking about today. Consequences be damned. But that is all part of the disease and why it is so important for you to find a way to detach. Don't give up hope. Hugs, Marle
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Old 10-09-2008, 07:10 AM
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Three years ago today, I was in a diversion center, where I was locked up but allowed to go to work and PAY RENT!! I'd been there for 4 months, and in county jail a month before that.

It was the first time I was forced to be clean and actually had to think about my life and what it had become. I still messed up a few times afterwards, ROYALLY screwed up when I relapsed, but when I realized I was on the verge of going back to jail and then prison, I found recovery.

It takes what it takes for us to find recovery, and jail was one of my evil necessities in finding recovery.

Hugs and prayers!

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Old 10-09-2008, 07:25 AM
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I think his H.P. is going to lead him right where he wants him to be.
His H.P. has a plan, we just don't know what it is...yet.

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Old 10-09-2008, 08:47 AM
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Thanks for the reminders that I am not in control. I just feel so sad about it. I am back at work today, enjoying a busy day. I find it ironic that I can work so well with teen-agers and yet my own son is beyond my reach. It hurts, but there is little I can do about it. I hope that he will face his demons soon, but I have only control over me and my demons. My need to control, my need to be proud of my son, my need to feel like he's making progress, my need for him to do well in college. These are my demons. I must face them in spite of him not facing his own. Otherwise, I am in as much denial as he is in.
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Old 10-09-2008, 08:50 AM
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I want to give you a piece of hope to hang onto:

Our brain's frontal lobe (governs consequences) doesn't finish maturing until around age 25. Because your son is young this consequence will stamp a permanent impression in his brain.

I hope it helps a little and sending you prayers for serenity.
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Old 10-09-2008, 09:00 AM
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sorry for your pain today. no matter how much we know they need the consequences, it is hard to watch. I pray he sees what he has done to his life and uses jail as a time to recover.
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Old 10-09-2008, 10:06 AM
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I called him an idiot and left.
That gave me a giggle. You cheared me up. I think it is EXACTLY what I would have done, or have done in that situation.

Good for you mom. Stand your ground.

It's hard for me to set boundaries with my 3 year old son. I couldn't imagine having to set them for an teenage/nearly adult son with a drug problem and behaviorial issues.

I'm so sick of getting woke up at 4 in the morning because my son is in tears and wants a glass of "MILKY." Is this NORMAL?!!!!

He's already a master manipulator when it comes to me. Lately when he whines, I've started imitating him in the rudest whiniest sounds I can come up with. I was surprised. It worked.

However at 4am I just can't deal. I want to pummel him. Or I want him to learn how to go get his own damn milk out of the fridge. But tell me... that's probably not wise right. Those tubs of milk are heavy.

Anyway. Hugs. Being a parent is such a challenge but you sound like you are donig a bang up job right now. He's the one that's screwing up. Too bad we can't live their lives for them...
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Old 10-09-2008, 10:16 AM
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I am sorry for your hurting and thinking that all your dreams for your son are over or broken. But maybe just maybe him being in jail will wake him up. I hope so because I know how much your hurting fro you and him. Prayers for you both and don't give up, you just never know when something good will happen.
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Old 10-09-2008, 10:22 AM
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I have a 30 year old AD who is also lost in denial. She's lost custody of her children, thank God, and has been in jail so many times that it's no big deal-three hots and a cot for her.

I debated for a long time on whether to go see her the last time she was incarcerated, and finally visited. She spent the entire time on the other side of that glass panel smirking and told me she doesn't have a problem with drugs/alcohol/anything.

I walked out of there with a sense of closure, knowing I have done everything I could, and left her in God's hands.

My contact with her is very limited because I just won't listen to her garbage anymore.

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Old 10-10-2008, 02:12 PM
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just sending you a big hugs & sending lots of prayers up for you & your son.
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Old 10-11-2008, 07:58 AM
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(((Krhea)))) Sorry I missed this earlier. I hope your hurt is easing and that you find comfort in all the support of those who have been or who are where you are now.
I can tell you that jail for my daughter, as painful as it was to me, was one more chapter that she needed to stay the course in her recovery journey. Although she had changed many things and stopped using well prior to facing the consequences of her prior acts, her experience there helped her to wrap her arms around the fact that her life was filled with instant gratification and a sense of entitlement. 60 days of realizing how much she took things for granted gave her a much greater appreciation of the little things in life that count. For me, it was a struggle too, but it was truly something I was powerless over (no mom magic was going to get her out of there, lol) At the time I wasn't sure just what would happen, but now I realize it was a powerful opportunity for growth for both of us; each in our own way. Today she is a wise and mature mid 20's young lady with a career path, a loving relationship and a beautiful circle of loving friends in recovery. Several years ago I too really wanted her to succede in collge and use the intelligence she was given. It just wasn't the time then. Now she juggles full time work, service work, friends and college so artfully it is inspiring. Not my time, HP's time.
There is indeed hope. It is just awfully hard to watch the process unfold sometimes. Hugs to you, are doing great.
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