AH is leaving his second rehab AGAIN...
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Join Date: May 2008
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AH is leaving his second rehab AGAIN...
I just got a call from his mom, apparantly the nurse called her because he only included HER to be the one to talk to nurses, doctors, counselors, staff etc. I know he did this because he knows he can pull the wool over her eyes very quickly and that I can see through him and will be STRAIGHT with his counselors. That's a slam in the face right there to me.
This is day 8 for him, the second time around at the same rehab. So he's not made it past 8 days in a rehab ever. If you recall, he was kicked out 50 days ago for using while in rehab. I've been paying Cobra $1700 a month just to KEEP this insurance because he'd lost his job of 19 years. BECAUSE IT PAID FULLY FOR THIS REHAB - to the tune of $16k! I took the kids and I's insurance down a notch to accomodate for HIM.
He's clean now and told his mom he's done with drugs, but he hates it up there, can't sleep, can do this by himself, it's the same old thing over and over again in the meetings he's attending. I am just so beside myself right now.
I've called the rehab to get a message to him, but because of patient confidentiality and me being EXCLUDED they can't tell me whether he's yet left or is packing or what. If he doesn't call in the next 15 minutes I'll assume he's already gone. He doesn't have a cell phone with him, and it will take him 4 hours to get home so I have to agonize all day. He'd tried to call last night and I called him back, but they have 1 phone on a floor and it was busy the entire night until 11:00 so I didn't get a chance to talk to him.
If being kicked out of your house where your wife and kids live, losing your job, having NO money, resulting to pawning a necklace that I bought him 20 years ago for 1/4 of it's price.... Isn't his bottom, what will be? I am just so upset at how low he's gone. How hard is it for someone to complete a 28 day rehab? Can it be any harder than me working 70 hours a week, coaching soccer, caring for 2 kids, planning their birthday party, taking care of a house, paying the bills??? Can COMPLETING a rehab be THAT hard?????
I'm not saying he's leaving because he wants to use, I think he's leaving because he thinks he can do this all by himself. Like he's clean now, not sick and will just come back, get a job, get right, become the family man he always said he wanted to be and all of that.
Can someone like this ever be right? For 20 years he's not been able to do this by himself. He's not one for meetings or reading books or any of that. How can he do it by himself WITHOUT those things? He keeps saying he knows all of what the meetings are saying - it's just doing it. Some counselor up there told him that he kicked a crack addiction by just putting his mind to it. No meetings, no counseling, no books, nothing. AH latched onto his words and his success.
I know that rehab is suppose to be for HIM - but am I wrong in thinking that he could AT LEAST complete the rehab not only for himself, but for the kids and I, my family etc? I'm viewing him as a selfish jerk who can't even do what he needs to do (complete rehab) for himself and his family. How can someone invest any more time into an addict if they can't even work the steps? I feel like if he COULD have done this by himself, WTH didn't he do it 10 years ago??
His mom called the rehab just now and they said he left 30 minutes ago.
This is day 8 for him, the second time around at the same rehab. So he's not made it past 8 days in a rehab ever. If you recall, he was kicked out 50 days ago for using while in rehab. I've been paying Cobra $1700 a month just to KEEP this insurance because he'd lost his job of 19 years. BECAUSE IT PAID FULLY FOR THIS REHAB - to the tune of $16k! I took the kids and I's insurance down a notch to accomodate for HIM.
He's clean now and told his mom he's done with drugs, but he hates it up there, can't sleep, can do this by himself, it's the same old thing over and over again in the meetings he's attending. I am just so beside myself right now.
I've called the rehab to get a message to him, but because of patient confidentiality and me being EXCLUDED they can't tell me whether he's yet left or is packing or what. If he doesn't call in the next 15 minutes I'll assume he's already gone. He doesn't have a cell phone with him, and it will take him 4 hours to get home so I have to agonize all day. He'd tried to call last night and I called him back, but they have 1 phone on a floor and it was busy the entire night until 11:00 so I didn't get a chance to talk to him.
If being kicked out of your house where your wife and kids live, losing your job, having NO money, resulting to pawning a necklace that I bought him 20 years ago for 1/4 of it's price.... Isn't his bottom, what will be? I am just so upset at how low he's gone. How hard is it for someone to complete a 28 day rehab? Can it be any harder than me working 70 hours a week, coaching soccer, caring for 2 kids, planning their birthday party, taking care of a house, paying the bills??? Can COMPLETING a rehab be THAT hard?????
I'm not saying he's leaving because he wants to use, I think he's leaving because he thinks he can do this all by himself. Like he's clean now, not sick and will just come back, get a job, get right, become the family man he always said he wanted to be and all of that.
Can someone like this ever be right? For 20 years he's not been able to do this by himself. He's not one for meetings or reading books or any of that. How can he do it by himself WITHOUT those things? He keeps saying he knows all of what the meetings are saying - it's just doing it. Some counselor up there told him that he kicked a crack addiction by just putting his mind to it. No meetings, no counseling, no books, nothing. AH latched onto his words and his success.
I know that rehab is suppose to be for HIM - but am I wrong in thinking that he could AT LEAST complete the rehab not only for himself, but for the kids and I, my family etc? I'm viewing him as a selfish jerk who can't even do what he needs to do (complete rehab) for himself and his family. How can someone invest any more time into an addict if they can't even work the steps? I feel like if he COULD have done this by himself, WTH didn't he do it 10 years ago??
His mom called the rehab just now and they said he left 30 minutes ago.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: wisconsin
Posts: 123
i used to tthink the same way with my crack addicted ex boyfriend,,but reality is they wll do it when they are ready and not a day before,,mine always thought he could do it himslef, and some people can with out going to meetings or reading books, very hard though...but many recovered addicts on here have used this forum instead and it has worked for them..but i do think meetings are good for them in recovery..but yes, they know what they need to do, they have to figure it out forthemselves as to what works and what doesnt..i thought 8 yrs of prison would have affected mine to change..nope...hasnt taken crack, but is drinking,smoking pot,schrooms,etc..everything but crack so far, so its just a matter of time because he is not dealing with anyhting just substituting one for the other.. goodluck
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 427
((((Callie))))
I feel your pain and hurt. I guess they are going to do it the way they want thinking he can. This is the way of an addict thinks till they one day see the light. I wish he would have stayed the entire time for your familys sake. Please take are of you, saying prayers for your strength.
I feel your pain and hurt. I guess they are going to do it the way they want thinking he can. This is the way of an addict thinks till they one day see the light. I wish he would have stayed the entire time for your familys sake. Please take are of you, saying prayers for your strength.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 1,054
Callie, the question is now..."what are you going to do?" Now that he's left 2 rehabs.
My AH did the same thing to me....I couldn't call his case manager or therapist when he was abusing drugs, abusing credit cards because of the confidentiality laws....he wouldn't sign me on when he wanted to be sneaky. I did contact his primary physician though. Then he went to pain management Dr's to get his drugs. I gave up! There was no accountability for him any longer. So I just did what I needed to do to protect our son, I got sole custody, and filed for supervised visits until he can prove himself clean and sober responsible father..... consistently... he still hasn't done that yet. This is done through Family Court, if it's something you are considering, at least it keeps him accountable to a judge, and keeps our child safe.
Callie....Either it's pride thats making him leave (thinking he's not like those people), or he is still using. Or once he starts feeling, he runs. Personally, I think he's still using, he's just being sneakier. I wonder if he was drug tested up there....you will never know unless he tells you, thats why he made all things confidential.
I feel for the decisions you are going to have to make.
The depths that you went to keep his insurance so that he could go to rehab, and then he leaves again. It's always a disappointment for you....I know.
Stay out of the loop....time for plan B.....no contact....unless it concerns the children.
To help you emotionally..... text messages are a great boundary....
don't answer the phone...let the answer machine pick it up..... Let him know you are serious.
May God comfort you and the children....Huggs.
NH7
I know he did this because he knows he can pull the wool over her eyes very quickly and that I can see through him and will be STRAIGHT with his counselors. That's a slam in the face right there to me.
Callie....Either it's pride thats making him leave (thinking he's not like those people), or he is still using. Or once he starts feeling, he runs. Personally, I think he's still using, he's just being sneakier. I wonder if he was drug tested up there....you will never know unless he tells you, thats why he made all things confidential.
I feel for the decisions you are going to have to make.
The depths that you went to keep his insurance so that he could go to rehab, and then he leaves again. It's always a disappointment for you....I know.
Stay out of the loop....time for plan B.....no contact....unless it concerns the children.
To help you emotionally..... text messages are a great boundary....
don't answer the phone...let the answer machine pick it up..... Let him know you are serious.
May God comfort you and the children....Huggs.
NH7
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((((Callie))))
It sounds, to me, like he still wants things HIS way.
When I was locked up, I hated it (obviously), but I knew I had to do it. I chose to use it as a learning experience...I learned I don't ever want to do THAT again!!!
I won't say he can't do it on his own, because I'm "doing it" without meetings. BUT, I did go to meetings for 6 months, way back when, and I still use the principles I learned there. I also spend HOURS on SR and e-mailing and/or talking to friends I have from here.
The thing is, I know I can't do it without support. My family loves me, but they cannot support me in the way a recovering addict/codie can, just like YOU can't be his only support.
I had no idea how much my codie/addiction issues are intertwined. They literally feed on each other. It wasn't until I realized that my life was not going the way I wanted to, that I reached out here, and started paying attention.
My point is, I realized that MY way wasn't working, even though I was clean. Putting down the crack pipe was easy, compared to living life without it. The hardest part was not picking it back up, and I quickly learned that all I had to do was reach out TO ANOTHER RA to get back on track.
You cannot be this kind of support for him...you just can't. And as long as he thinks you CAN he is not facing reality. He's still acting like an addict, whether he's using or not. When this happens, it's only a matter of time before he picks back up.
I'm sorry you're going through this, but nothing changes if nothing changes.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
It sounds, to me, like he still wants things HIS way.
When I was locked up, I hated it (obviously), but I knew I had to do it. I chose to use it as a learning experience...I learned I don't ever want to do THAT again!!!
I won't say he can't do it on his own, because I'm "doing it" without meetings. BUT, I did go to meetings for 6 months, way back when, and I still use the principles I learned there. I also spend HOURS on SR and e-mailing and/or talking to friends I have from here.
The thing is, I know I can't do it without support. My family loves me, but they cannot support me in the way a recovering addict/codie can, just like YOU can't be his only support.
I had no idea how much my codie/addiction issues are intertwined. They literally feed on each other. It wasn't until I realized that my life was not going the way I wanted to, that I reached out here, and started paying attention.
My point is, I realized that MY way wasn't working, even though I was clean. Putting down the crack pipe was easy, compared to living life without it. The hardest part was not picking it back up, and I quickly learned that all I had to do was reach out TO ANOTHER RA to get back on track.
You cannot be this kind of support for him...you just can't. And as long as he thinks you CAN he is not facing reality. He's still acting like an addict, whether he's using or not. When this happens, it's only a matter of time before he picks back up.
I'm sorry you're going through this, but nothing changes if nothing changes.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
Sounds like addict behavior - using or not. Good advice above.
The frustration of your situation is coming thru loud and clear. But, what do you know you need to do for you and your sanity? You're clear about what you think HE needs ...
The frustration of your situation is coming thru loud and clear. But, what do you know you need to do for you and your sanity? You're clear about what you think HE needs ...
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by Callie 
This is day 8 for him, the second time around at the same rehab. So he's not made it past 8 days in a rehab ever. If you recall, he was kicked out 50 days ago for using while in rehab. I've been paying Cobra $1700 a month just to KEEP this insurance because he'd lost his job of 19 years. BECAUSE IT PAID FULLY FOR THIS REHAB - to the tune of $16k! I took the kids and I's insurance down a notch to accomodate for HIM.
I sold myself and my oldest daughter short for so many years, hinging on the hope that the EXAH would 'get it'.
I sincerely hope you reconsider keeping Cobra for him, and do what you need to do for you and your kids, not him.
Insanity = doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results.
He hasn't hit a bottom yet, not even close. I'm sorry.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by Callie
I know that rehab is suppose to be for HIM - but am I wrong in thinking that he could AT LEAST complete the rehab not only for himself, but for the kids and I, my family etc?
I know you're angry, disgusted, and I hope you find a way to channel that energy into something positive for you. It will either take you down or make you stronger and it's all up to you.
I'm praying for your serenity.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Ma
Posts: 320
Originally Posted by Impurrfect
You cannot be this kind of support for him...you just can't. And as long as he thinks you CAN he is not facing reality. He's still acting like an addict, whether he's using or not. When this happens, it's only a matter of time before he picks back up.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hi Callie, after everything he has put you through are you surprised that he's leaving rehab again or just frustrated... I understand frustration.
Time for you to really really focus on what YOU want out of life! What your boundaries are. And what you are going to do to make sure you and our children aren't strung along forever. Only God knows when your husband is going to get his act together sweetie.
If nothing changes... nothing changes. This means you.
(((hugs)))
Time for you to really really focus on what YOU want out of life! What your boundaries are. And what you are going to do to make sure you and our children aren't strung along forever. Only God knows when your husband is going to get his act together sweetie.
If nothing changes... nothing changes. This means you.
(((hugs)))
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by Freedom1990
It's things like that which hurt my heart the most, but I completely understand about giving him another chance.
I sold myself and my oldest daughter short for so many years, hinging on the hope that the EXAH would 'get it'.
I sincerely hope you reconsider keeping Cobra for him, and do what you need to do for you and your kids, not him.
Insanity = doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results.
He hasn't hit a bottom yet, not even close. I'm sorry.
I sold myself and my oldest daughter short for so many years, hinging on the hope that the EXAH would 'get it'.
I sincerely hope you reconsider keeping Cobra for him, and do what you need to do for you and your kids, not him.
Insanity = doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results.
He hasn't hit a bottom yet, not even close. I'm sorry.
12 Steps is not the only way to get clean and people do manage to stay sober forever without any program. That is the goal, isn't it?
Having said all this, I agree that it sounds to me like this guy has yet to face any serious consequences. The world seems to continue to revolve around him and his choices. He decides to leave and the family is totally focused on him, again. Funny how this works out, too.
We have all sung, at one time or another, our version of the " after all we have done" song. What will it take to become so sick and tired of being sick and tired, that we change the way we react to things/people we cannot control?
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Callie, Now is the time to detach. Hard, but not impossible to do. His mom will reach her breaking point but you can't hurry that along. Continue to take care of you and realize that nothing makes sense with addiction. The sooner you accept that, the easier it is to let go. Hugs, Marle
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Originally Posted by outtolunch
We have all sung, at one time or another, our version of the " after all we have done" song. What will it take to become so sick and tired of being sick and tired, that we change the way we react to things/people we cannot control?
Callie - I'm so sorry love. Play the tape through... what is it going to be like if he just keeps on wanting to go down further.... play it through. Then take your role out of it. He is in "dire" mode right now... he wants to put into action all that he says he knows or has just learned. Fine.. that is great. Meanwhile... you don't have to be in dire mode - relax - take some deep breaths... keep doing your thing. Keep your rain gear on! Don't let his choices penetrate you... if he says anything.... respond with "maybe you are right".... and get back to what you are doing.
You have been detached for awhile now - now is where you are stepping it up a little - you are going to put it to work even more.
I know I'm not one to give advice - as I'm presently in the thick of it - but we all have our own scenarios- no matter how much the addicts and the pain in our lives is similar - we still do have our own stories. Keep being true to yourself.
BIG love to you oxoxoxo
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Join Date: May 2008
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Originally Posted by anvilhead
doesn't do any good to have the life vest floating NEXT to you.....it's not really a flotation device until you put it ON. he still thinks he can backfloat to safety.......fine, help is available whenever HE is ready to reach for it. right now he's doing the high wire without a net....best thing for YOU to do is stand back..........way back.
I'm just so very tired from all of this drama. So far I've avoided his calls today - HUGE for me. I just need to find my way without his BS. I am in the very busiest time of my life with work. I hate it, but am so grateful because without it I would seriously be bankrupt. Right now I'm in the middle of sweeping the floor, laundry, homework, cooking etc /checking emails etc. Kids are in the tub. Getting ready to get them and myself to bed to hopefully get some rest and look @ this with a new perspective tomorrow
Thanks guys - I can't say he let me down because he ALWAYS lets me down.
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