So Upset Again
rozied
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
So Upset Again
Oh this son of mine, will he ever learn. As most of you know my son is in wk relwase & has to find a job by Oct 25th. I was down to see him Friday & all he said was he would always tell the truth when applying for a car salesmen job. Without a drivers license many places won't hire you ( but there are some that will ) and if he did get a job by lying he would get fired once they found out. I believe if he gets fired he would go back to jail because it is considered misconduct. I know my son says thats the last thing he wants. Today I went with Jim to Physical Therapy. We just found out he had them and we are hoping the PT will help the numbness in his hands. Then I went to Wal Mart food shopping. When I got home there was a message on the machine to call him at work, that he found a job, he then left the number. I called the number & it was a car dealership & when I spoke to my son I asked if he told them he didn't have a license. He said I lied to them. I was dumbstruck & couldn't really think to say anything. When he called me back I told him I didn't want to talk to him anymore, that I couldn't believe he would be that stupid & that I know I didn't raise a stupid man & that he should see a psychiatrist cuz there was something wrong with his thinking. Plus a few other choice things.
You know after our 1st phone call I went to drop some groceries off at Chris's & I cried all the way there. I cannot take the drama anymore. All I do is have my heart broken. I had hung up on him after I told him how I felt but when he called me back I answered. He said he was going to tell them the truth in the am. I told him what good is it getting the job by lying cuz when the truth comes out he will get into more trouble. I told him I was sure it wasn't easy but he must do what he has to do.
I know my son's life is very hard right now, but he has done this to himself by making poor choices. I know it won't be easy turning things around but I do believe he can do it. If he finds he needs some help he should go for it but its not me & I know I cannot control him.
All I can do is pray he does the right thing.
You know after our 1st phone call I went to drop some groceries off at Chris's & I cried all the way there. I cannot take the drama anymore. All I do is have my heart broken. I had hung up on him after I told him how I felt but when he called me back I answered. He said he was going to tell them the truth in the am. I told him what good is it getting the job by lying cuz when the truth comes out he will get into more trouble. I told him I was sure it wasn't easy but he must do what he has to do.
I know my son's life is very hard right now, but he has done this to himself by making poor choices. I know it won't be easy turning things around but I do believe he can do it. If he finds he needs some help he should go for it but its not me & I know I cannot control him.
All I can do is pray he does the right thing.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Union Mo
Posts: 655
Ahh, Rozied. Give this up to your HP. Keep looking up remember.
As you remember I am a recovering addict too. I learned thru rehab that an addict shouldnt make good sound decisions for the 1st year. Example of that is relationships, jobs, etc. In desperation and addict will lie nd do what it takes to obtain what he/she wants. Its the addict way of thinking and it takes time to learn different behaviors. Untill he learns to change his behavior he only gets the same choices. These are learned behaviors and the right behaviors have to be learned all over again. Next year will be 3 years for me and I still make impulsive and rash decisions. But Im only getting better!
All this worrying you are doing is dragging you deeper and deeper. Its making you sicker than he actually is.What good is that going to change? When will you let go and let HP take over. You cant give over something to your HP and then take it back. HE cant fix it if you dont give it to HIM.
Hugs Diane. Many many hugs. You know I care. I will pray.
As you remember I am a recovering addict too. I learned thru rehab that an addict shouldnt make good sound decisions for the 1st year. Example of that is relationships, jobs, etc. In desperation and addict will lie nd do what it takes to obtain what he/she wants. Its the addict way of thinking and it takes time to learn different behaviors. Untill he learns to change his behavior he only gets the same choices. These are learned behaviors and the right behaviors have to be learned all over again. Next year will be 3 years for me and I still make impulsive and rash decisions. But Im only getting better!
All this worrying you are doing is dragging you deeper and deeper. Its making you sicker than he actually is.What good is that going to change? When will you let go and let HP take over. You cant give over something to your HP and then take it back. HE cant fix it if you dont give it to HIM.
Hugs Diane. Many many hugs. You know I care. I will pray.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Union Mo
Posts: 655
OMG, I dont mean to be harsh Rozied. You know I dont. I just hate to see you do this to yourself. You've been her awhile and I want to see some of your recovery shine thru this for you. PLease just keep looking up!
rozied
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Oh Gwen it is still here. I came home from Chris's and made Kielbasi & sauerkraut, something I've never made before. I know I have to keep busy & not dwell on something I have no control over. I know all this but it still hurts to see someone you love & gave birth to screwing up, over & over & over.
I will be fine.
I will be fine.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Rozied,
Hugs to you.
Consider this one of his learning experiences of life, and leave it at that.
If he decides to lie, HIS CHOICE. Not yours.
If he goes back to jail, HIS CHOICE, not yours.
It's easier in the long run just to turn him over to his H.P. and stop worrying about what he says or does.
Hugs...it's hard being a mom.
Hugs to you.
Consider this one of his learning experiences of life, and leave it at that.
If he decides to lie, HIS CHOICE. Not yours.
If he goes back to jail, HIS CHOICE, not yours.
It's easier in the long run just to turn him over to his H.P. and stop worrying about what he says or does.
Hugs...it's hard being a mom.
rozied
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Well he called back & said he told them the truth & they kept him anyway. I tried telling him that for yrs he lied easily but now since he is trying to straighten out he must tell the truth no matter how hard it seems as it is easier in the long run. He agreed. I am giving him to his HP, all I can do is love him & pray.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Originally Posted by rozied
All I can do is pray he does the right thing.
I love the prayer that goes something like God, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth`
Most times, if I stayed out of God`s way, things worked out just fine.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Rozied, One thing that I have learned with all of the addiction business is that we can't predict the future. We never know what it will take to turn our addicted loved ones lives around. My daughter is not making good decisions right now, but they are her decisions. Who am I to say that what she is doing now will not somehow be an important lesson for her to use sometime in her future. Same with your Joey. We have to remember that emotionally our addicts are very immature and the way to maturity is making the tough decisions and then being willing to face the consequences. Hugs to you for letting it go, Marle
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 287
It's so hard to stand back and watch them make bad decisions over and over again and not help, but you telling him not to lie was a good decision, one that turned out well.
I feel your pain, as I do wit my 21 AS. You put it so well when you said:
"I know all this but it still hurts to see someone you love & gave birth to screwing up, over & over & over.""
Positive Energy being sent to you and your son and to his HP.
I feel your pain, as I do wit my 21 AS. You put it so well when you said:
"I know all this but it still hurts to see someone you love & gave birth to screwing up, over & over & over.""
Positive Energy being sent to you and your son and to his HP.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 427
(((((Rozied))))
I also have happy inside and I know you must be that he did go back and tell the truth and he still has his job. I know the truth is best but I also talk to many moms whos kids are not working because of some bad history one way or another.
It seems like companies do need to give people a chance but most tend to fear the truth unless they know someone who has been there. So I am sure they deal with a lot of fear trying to be honest, but in this case it worked out an I am happy for him and know you feel better about it all.
I guess this is where they say "The truth Hurts" but it works most times. \Prayers for you Rozied and many (((((hugs))))
I also have happy inside and I know you must be that he did go back and tell the truth and he still has his job. I know the truth is best but I also talk to many moms whos kids are not working because of some bad history one way or another.
It seems like companies do need to give people a chance but most tend to fear the truth unless they know someone who has been there. So I am sure they deal with a lot of fear trying to be honest, but in this case it worked out an I am happy for him and know you feel better about it all.
I guess this is where they say "The truth Hurts" but it works most times. \Prayers for you Rozied and many (((((hugs))))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I have learned not to ask questions when my oldest AD calls, which isn't often. She's a chronic liar, continues to make poor choices in her life, and I've turned her over to God.
For years I struggled with the beliefs that if she did this or did that, I would feel better.
I came to the realization that my peace of mind and happiness is not contingent on what she does/doesn't do.
Deep down inside all those years I did struggle with that, there was guilt and shame, that somehow it was my fault she was doing the things that she did, and it was a reflection on me.
I had to work hard to let go of that, and when I did, I made progress in my own recovery.
Keeping you in my prayers! :ghug3
For years I struggled with the beliefs that if she did this or did that, I would feel better.
I came to the realization that my peace of mind and happiness is not contingent on what she does/doesn't do.
Deep down inside all those years I did struggle with that, there was guilt and shame, that somehow it was my fault she was doing the things that she did, and it was a reflection on me.
I had to work hard to let go of that, and when I did, I made progress in my own recovery.
Keeping you in my prayers! :ghug3
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
Rozied,
it sounds like your beating yourself up for loosing "your temper" on him. Let it go.
things will work out. I know just how you feel, you try to let him make his choices and when he doesn't make the right one (whether it be the right one for him or you) you tend to "give him your opinion". i've done the exact same thing. Next time he doesn't do what you feel is correct, let it go, he'll never learn on his own if he doesn't think for himself. as for you, relax, he's sober, things will work out.
good luck to you both
it sounds like your beating yourself up for loosing "your temper" on him. Let it go.
things will work out. I know just how you feel, you try to let him make his choices and when he doesn't make the right one (whether it be the right one for him or you) you tend to "give him your opinion". i've done the exact same thing. Next time he doesn't do what you feel is correct, let it go, he'll never learn on his own if he doesn't think for himself. as for you, relax, he's sober, things will work out.
good luck to you both
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