My Story - Help! (Long)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: California
Posts: 44
My Story - Help! (Long)
My story begins a long time ago. My husband and I were married 22 years ago. My husband smoked pot and we both did cocaine now and then. About a year into our marriage, we decided not to snort cocaine anymore. My husband still smoked pot. During the first few years of our marriage, I noticed whenever my husband ran out of pot, his temper would flare. I would walk on eggshells around him. It got to the point where my husband’s temper would flare regardless if he had pot or not. He would not hit but he would yell.
We had our first child 3 years into our marriage, a beautiful baby boy. My husband still smoked pot and would have occasional outbursts of anger directed at me. About 5 years later, my daughter was born. My husband still smoked pot every evening when he got home from work. About the time my son was in the 4th grade, I started pushing back on my husband when he would direct his anger toward me. He then started directing it toward our son. He seemed to be constantly disappointed in things our son would or would not do. Now don’t get me wrong, we did have good times, but ever present was that threat of temper. Every time he would escalate things, I would de-escalate them, protecting my son. This “dance” has now been going on for about 8 years.
My son is now 18 and is snorting oxycontin. We found out about his problem in July of this year. He spent all his graduation money, about $1,000, on this drug. He sold all but one of his Xbox games to feed his addiction. He stole money from our wallets, took money out of our bank accounts, returned items to the store that we bought for cash, etc. I believe he was using the drug a few times a week.
So of course, the first thing we did was to try to monitor everything he was doing, where he was going, who he was hanging out with, etc. Basically, it became our problem to control and cure his addiction. (We now know better!) In August, we told him he had to get into rehab in order to stay in our house. He left for about 1 day and then complied with our request. He has been in IOP for the last month. We bought a safe to put all our valuables into. One time, he told my husband that he had left his wallet out and that it was a temptation for him. He was trying. But I felt he was still using occasionally. The outpatient program tests him randomly. However, I don’t believe that it tests him for oxycontin. In my research, I have discovered that you have to have a test a bit more sensitive to test for the drugs in the oxycodone family. So, I have ordered a case of these tests and we are testing my son every 2 days, since I can find no straight answer on how long this particular drug stays in your system. If he tests positive, he understands that he will not be able to live in our house unless he goes to an inpatient program.
So, for the past 2 months, we as a family are trying to come to grips with what is going on. I have made a decision for me and my daughter, that drugs are not welcome in my home. My husband feels that this is unfair since he has been smoking pot all his life and I shouldn’t expect him to stop just because I have made this decision. He says he will stop smoking it at home and will no longer buy it, but wants to be able to occasionally smoke it with his buddies. He says that I am trying to control him when I am adamant about no drugs in my life. I tell him that this is one of my boundaries. Am I trying to manipulate him? Our 12 year old daughter understands everything that is going on. She now knows that her father smoked pot. She knows that he said he would no longer smoke pot about 1 month ago. She asked me a couple of days ago if he was smoking pot anymore. I was able at that time to tell her no. I want to be able to tell her no in the future also. My husband wants a “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. I am very confused on what to do here. How can I tell my son that he can’t do drugs while living in my house, if my husband may be doing them occasionally elsewhere? I feel this is very contradictory.
My husband and I are seeing a counselor. He was someone recommended for drug addiction for my son. Well, he is working with my husband and me together. He also works with anger problems. So we are really trying to get all of our problems dealt with. The counselor told my husband yesterday that I was correct in that drugs should not be in our life, at all. My husband left that session quite angry. He kept to himself for the rest of the day and night. He told me this morning that the subject is dropped and he will no longer discuss it. That’s his choice, now I have to make mine, I guess.
I have started to read the book Codependent No More and quite qualify for the role of a codie. I think I have been in this role since we got married and I started dealing with his anger issues. I had absolutely no idea I was doing this. I am a fast learner and I WILL turn this around.
This forum is a god send. I have been reading here for the past week. I plan to go to my first meeting next week. I want to thank everyone for sharing their stories. It has helped tremendously just to know I am not alone.
Kathy
We had our first child 3 years into our marriage, a beautiful baby boy. My husband still smoked pot and would have occasional outbursts of anger directed at me. About 5 years later, my daughter was born. My husband still smoked pot every evening when he got home from work. About the time my son was in the 4th grade, I started pushing back on my husband when he would direct his anger toward me. He then started directing it toward our son. He seemed to be constantly disappointed in things our son would or would not do. Now don’t get me wrong, we did have good times, but ever present was that threat of temper. Every time he would escalate things, I would de-escalate them, protecting my son. This “dance” has now been going on for about 8 years.
My son is now 18 and is snorting oxycontin. We found out about his problem in July of this year. He spent all his graduation money, about $1,000, on this drug. He sold all but one of his Xbox games to feed his addiction. He stole money from our wallets, took money out of our bank accounts, returned items to the store that we bought for cash, etc. I believe he was using the drug a few times a week.
So of course, the first thing we did was to try to monitor everything he was doing, where he was going, who he was hanging out with, etc. Basically, it became our problem to control and cure his addiction. (We now know better!) In August, we told him he had to get into rehab in order to stay in our house. He left for about 1 day and then complied with our request. He has been in IOP for the last month. We bought a safe to put all our valuables into. One time, he told my husband that he had left his wallet out and that it was a temptation for him. He was trying. But I felt he was still using occasionally. The outpatient program tests him randomly. However, I don’t believe that it tests him for oxycontin. In my research, I have discovered that you have to have a test a bit more sensitive to test for the drugs in the oxycodone family. So, I have ordered a case of these tests and we are testing my son every 2 days, since I can find no straight answer on how long this particular drug stays in your system. If he tests positive, he understands that he will not be able to live in our house unless he goes to an inpatient program.
So, for the past 2 months, we as a family are trying to come to grips with what is going on. I have made a decision for me and my daughter, that drugs are not welcome in my home. My husband feels that this is unfair since he has been smoking pot all his life and I shouldn’t expect him to stop just because I have made this decision. He says he will stop smoking it at home and will no longer buy it, but wants to be able to occasionally smoke it with his buddies. He says that I am trying to control him when I am adamant about no drugs in my life. I tell him that this is one of my boundaries. Am I trying to manipulate him? Our 12 year old daughter understands everything that is going on. She now knows that her father smoked pot. She knows that he said he would no longer smoke pot about 1 month ago. She asked me a couple of days ago if he was smoking pot anymore. I was able at that time to tell her no. I want to be able to tell her no in the future also. My husband wants a “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. I am very confused on what to do here. How can I tell my son that he can’t do drugs while living in my house, if my husband may be doing them occasionally elsewhere? I feel this is very contradictory.
My husband and I are seeing a counselor. He was someone recommended for drug addiction for my son. Well, he is working with my husband and me together. He also works with anger problems. So we are really trying to get all of our problems dealt with. The counselor told my husband yesterday that I was correct in that drugs should not be in our life, at all. My husband left that session quite angry. He kept to himself for the rest of the day and night. He told me this morning that the subject is dropped and he will no longer discuss it. That’s his choice, now I have to make mine, I guess.
I have started to read the book Codependent No More and quite qualify for the role of a codie. I think I have been in this role since we got married and I started dealing with his anger issues. I had absolutely no idea I was doing this. I am a fast learner and I WILL turn this around.
This forum is a god send. I have been reading here for the past week. I plan to go to my first meeting next week. I want to thank everyone for sharing their stories. It has helped tremendously just to know I am not alone.
Kathy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Kathy)))
Welcome to SR!!
Even though your husband has been smoking pot "forever" doesn't mean you can't say "I don't want it around me anymore". That is your choice. What is out of your hands is whether he does what you request. You have set a boundary, and you just need to decide what you will do if he crosses this boundary...."if you smoke in our house, I will -------" and stick to it.
It sounds like you are doing a good job, learning about addiction and looking for meetings. Often, we codies don't realize we are enabling people. We also don't realize that WE have a choice in what we will/won't accept in our lives.
This forum is filled with some awesome people, and I haven't had a situation, yet, where someone hasn't helped me get through it with some ES&H (experience, strength and hope).
Keep reading and keep posting...you are among friends.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Welcome to SR!!
Even though your husband has been smoking pot "forever" doesn't mean you can't say "I don't want it around me anymore". That is your choice. What is out of your hands is whether he does what you request. You have set a boundary, and you just need to decide what you will do if he crosses this boundary...."if you smoke in our house, I will -------" and stick to it.
It sounds like you are doing a good job, learning about addiction and looking for meetings. Often, we codies don't realize we are enabling people. We also don't realize that WE have a choice in what we will/won't accept in our lives.
This forum is filled with some awesome people, and I haven't had a situation, yet, where someone hasn't helped me get through it with some ES&H (experience, strength and hope).
Keep reading and keep posting...you are among friends.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
rozied
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
I think you are 100% right. I don't want drugs around me either. When I see how they have hurt my family I know there is nothing like a harmless drug. Pot is just as bad as any other drug out there & it will only bring a person down, plus its illegal
You cannot say to your son not to use if his fathers allowed to...........well you could but it would be hippocritical. If yopu want your son to respect the rules of the house, everyone has to.
Thats my opinion.
Good Luck
You cannot say to your son not to use if his fathers allowed to...........well you could but it would be hippocritical. If yopu want your son to respect the rules of the house, everyone has to.
Thats my opinion.
Good Luck
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: California
Posts: 44
Thank you Amy and Rozied for your responses. My husband called me at lunch today and said he will try to smoke a cigar or something if the urge comes upon him when he is with his friends. I truly believe that he understands what needs to happen, he just doesn't like me telling him. He seems to change on his stance daily.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: TX
Posts: 1
Wow – this hits home! Something similar happened to me so let me give some advice about what not to do. I smoked pot and drank 2-3 beers daily when I got married. To make a long story short, we had a few children and began to argue, but we never directed it at the kids.
After 4 years of marriage, she called my parents for a possible intervention about my pot smoking and threatened to call my work. I had an unbelievable job that supported a great lifestyle and I was not willing to give it up. We decided I could not leave my job, so I visited a drug specialist.
Within 45 minutes of our first meeting, this guy decides I’m bipolar and whips out his prescription pad. (I can assure you I’m not bipolar. Everyone that knows me and hears that diagnosis is shocked). He prescribed klonopin and a few other things. That was the beginning of my downward spiral.
Looking back at it, I knew the klonopin was a bad thing, but I didn’t want to quit pot. My addictive personality figured if I was being forced to stop smoking, I needed to replace it with something else.
My point is that I believe it is very difficult for a long term pot smoker that perceives no problems to quit if he doesn’t want to. At least it was for me. Somehow your husband needs to feel he is quitting for the right reasons and by all means, don’t let him replace it with another substance.
After 4 years of marriage, she called my parents for a possible intervention about my pot smoking and threatened to call my work. I had an unbelievable job that supported a great lifestyle and I was not willing to give it up. We decided I could not leave my job, so I visited a drug specialist.
Within 45 minutes of our first meeting, this guy decides I’m bipolar and whips out his prescription pad. (I can assure you I’m not bipolar. Everyone that knows me and hears that diagnosis is shocked). He prescribed klonopin and a few other things. That was the beginning of my downward spiral.
Looking back at it, I knew the klonopin was a bad thing, but I didn’t want to quit pot. My addictive personality figured if I was being forced to stop smoking, I needed to replace it with something else.
My point is that I believe it is very difficult for a long term pot smoker that perceives no problems to quit if he doesn’t want to. At least it was for me. Somehow your husband needs to feel he is quitting for the right reasons and by all means, don’t let him replace it with another substance.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Welcome Kathy.... I know where you are coming from. It all just seems to happen and then it comes to the point where you say... "No more" and everyone (your husband and who knows probably your kids) wonder "what's up with Mom". It's always been like this and you always accepted it, what happened to you???? What happened is you decided you were tired of living with addiction. You deserve better, not that I am saying moving away from all that and having boundaries is easy... but you need and deserve to be healthy. Keep coming back and know that we are pulling for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: California
Posts: 44
Thanks LetsDoThis. I agree with you that my husband needs to feel he is quitting for the right reasons. What better reason than his kids? Also, employment. He is currently unemployed and has been for the last 9 months. He has been in and out of jobs in the last 5 years but has been laid off at the majority of them. He is in the electronic industry and that has been hit hard since 2001. However, I believe he is limiting his chances of finding a job by not being able to work at places that would require a drug test. He was fired for a failed drug test about 4 years ago. A new company bought the company where he worked and came in and gave everyone a drug test. It took him a week before he told me what happened.
I appreciate your words of caution on not replacing 1 drug for another. I totally agree and will pay close attention so that doesn't happen. As you have experienced, doctors are "practicing" medicine and are not always right!
Hi imallright. You are correct. My husband can't believe I'm having a problem after 22 years of marriage with his pot smoking. I agree with him that that is a long time, but I remind him that I have spoken up about his pot smoking at various times throughout our marriage. I have just "put my foot down" with no flexibility that is different this time. Thank you for your kind words.
I am taking 1 day at a time right now, but am not allowing anything to be pushed under the carpet anymore. It will get addressed, one way or the other.
Thanks everyone!
I appreciate your words of caution on not replacing 1 drug for another. I totally agree and will pay close attention so that doesn't happen. As you have experienced, doctors are "practicing" medicine and are not always right!
Hi imallright. You are correct. My husband can't believe I'm having a problem after 22 years of marriage with his pot smoking. I agree with him that that is a long time, but I remind him that I have spoken up about his pot smoking at various times throughout our marriage. I have just "put my foot down" with no flexibility that is different this time. Thank you for your kind words.
I am taking 1 day at a time right now, but am not allowing anything to be pushed under the carpet anymore. It will get addressed, one way or the other.
Thanks everyone!
rozied
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
I wanted to share with you regarding pot smoking. Many yrs ago I smoked it. Society was very different then about the drug laws & no job required drug testing. I quit because as my kids got older it was harder & harder to hide it & I got to feeling like a hippocrite. How could I tell them not to use if I did so I quit. It wasn't easy because I am a very Type A personality & it used to relax me but I did.
Now I am 61. I have a 42 yr old that is fighting an addiction to coke & a 35 yr old that enjoys smoking pot. I try & tell the younger one that he should quit as he is a single dad of 2 little boys & they won't be little forever. It has been my experience that all drugs bring you down & it is much better off to do without them, especially the way society is today.
Stick to your guns, you are right.
Now I am 61. I have a 42 yr old that is fighting an addiction to coke & a 35 yr old that enjoys smoking pot. I try & tell the younger one that he should quit as he is a single dad of 2 little boys & they won't be little forever. It has been my experience that all drugs bring you down & it is much better off to do without them, especially the way society is today.
Stick to your guns, you are right.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
