Bella222

Hello Everyone.

I am new to this website but after reading a bunch of different posts and all the great advice everyone provides I figured it can't hurt to try

So heres my story. I met my boyfriend last October thru work. He was 9 months clean and upfront with his situation right from the beginning. I had no understanding of the disease and have never been involved with or had a friend or family member struggling with addiction. Everything was going great but after about a month he relapsed. It started with him having one drink and the same night he ended up going out and using cocaine. Me being naive and stupid enabled him the entire time. He made up these insanely believable lies about where I had to take him to meet this person and do this or that. When the whole time I was just taking him to pick up drugs. This man is a WONDERFUL man when he is sober. Very personable, fun to be around, gets along with everyone. But when he started using everything changed. He was angry all the time. We fought constantly. He yelled at me and made me cry numerous times at work. It was awful. During his binge he stole my car, money and put my life in danger by making me take him to these awful places. I had to eventually walk away from the situation. My parents ended up getting involved and pretty much said its him or us. In January he turned himself into his drug court officer and he sentenced him to 7 months in the Salvation Army Rehabilitation Center. I believe that day was the first day of the rest of his life. I decided to stick by him and support him during his time there. Our relationship really depended on his sobriety. It would be impossible for us to be together while he was using. Well 2 weeks ago he graduated from his program and things are going just great. Except for the main reason why im writing. I've been keeping this relationship a secret from my friends and family for fear of how they will react. A few of my friends know and they support me no matter what. But its my parents and my really close friends I am worried about. I am 26 and feel I am old enough to make my own decisions but I dont want to be put in the situation of him or us. They know that I do still see and talk to him but they dont know the full extent of the situation. I want them to understand that he makes me happy and thats all that matters. They should support my decision because I am their daughter and they love me right? I feel god put him in my life for a reason. He is everything I have ever looked for in a guy. He has a flaw so what. None of us are perfect. I am crazy for believing in him? He is 36 and has struggled with his addiction for years. He has a great support group and many friends who have been clean for 15+ years. He has a place to live and a job now. Attends meetings on a regular basis. I do have insecurities and am learning to trust him all over again. I do know that relapse is always possible but of course I want to believe that this time is the last time. He has too much going for him and he knows that picking up again will be throwing everything he worked so hard for away. But what if my parents want nothing to do with me when they hear that I am giving him another chance? Everyone says it will take time and he has to earn their trust back as well. I wish I could just find a happy medium.

rozied

First of all welcome to SR. Its a great place to come when you are involved with an addict. If you tell your parents you take the chance that they will be angry with you. They are older & love you alot, & they don't want to see you letting yourself in for a life of potential problems. Marriage & life are hard enough when everything goes right. Once you are married & have children what will you do if he relapses?
You know I was only 17 when I met my 1st husband & 18 when I married him. My parents did not care for him. I married him anyway & had a terrible time of it as he was a compulsive gambler. I wound up breaking up with him at age 27 then I was alone to raise 2 sons by myself without any help from him.
My parents were & still are there for me. How I regret not listening to them. My ex went from gambling to drugs & didn't get clean & sober till he was 58. He is now 63 & trying to build some kind of life for himself.
I stayed on my own for 10yrs then met & married my present husband. We will be married 24 yrs Nov 4th & I've never been happier but it had a very bad effect on my kids. Think long & hard if you want this man to be the father of your children.
Drug addiction is very serious & you may be letting yourself in for a lifetime of heart ache.
Your parents love you I am sure & only want the best for you.
Keep coming back & do alot of reading,
Diane

Jody Hepler

I would encourage you to go to Naranon or Alanon meetings - often they are in the same place he is attending meetings. I got the education I needed about drug addiction from these support meetings - and it helped me make necessary decisions. It was good for me to be around folks that were going through the same thing I was.

And keep coming back to SR. Lots of experience, strength and hope here.

Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler

sknyfats

I can see your parents point of view. Its not that they don't want to support you; they want you to be safe. They are older - and have seen more - even if it's just what they see on the news or in the papers. Drugs are bad. People on drugs commit crimes, kill people and get violent with their spouses. They don't want that to happen to their little girl.

What I'm struggling right now is sort of what they (your parents) could be struggling with: is it worth it to take the chance, and welcome a drug addict into their life when, from what they know - chances are the addict will not change his life - and potentially, will hurt himself & everyone around him - sooner or later and with greater magnitude each time.

I thought I knew so much about drugs, and addictions - but am realizing how very little I know - thanks to my current girlfriend. I'm at the crossroads right now. Should I stay or should I go? There most definitely WILL be great risk if I (try) to stay with her. Can I deal with that? Do I have enough faith in her - when she doesn't even have faith in herself right now?

We're in touch situations - with significant others that are drug addicts. And by the number of postings on this board - we're not alone - not by a long shot.

I would speak to your parents. Openly & honestly. Let them know you're aware of the risk - and you're willing to take it. That you understand their point of view. That, maybe they ARE right. But this is a lesson you need to learn on your own. Hopefully, they can respect that.

marle

My daughter is my addict and I would and have warned boys about the seriousness of her addiction. My daughter is a recoverying heroin addict but just recently risked drinking. She has a new boyfriend and I have talked to him, but they are planning on moving in together, so I guess he needs to find out for himself. You have been through it with your boyfriend before so you know what to expect if he relapses again. Only you can decide what is right for you. But I will tell you that him having a job, a support group, a relationship with you and a place to stay will not matter to him should he relapse. Addiction is so much more than just picking up that first drug. No matter how much time my daughter has clean, I will never again trust her completely. I know how much I matter to her when she is using and the answer is that I don't. If my daughter were dating another addict, I would not approve of it either. Addiction is such a devastating disease and hurts so many people. You really need to think this through before you make any further commitments to him. Hugs, Marle

katie44

I am the mother of an addict son, I did tell my sons girfriend in the past she needs to get on with her life without him. He stole from her, lied the whole nine yards. My son is a wonderful kind caring person when not using. Most addicts are. The chance of relapse is always there and the trust factor. Your parents have seen what you have been through with this person, as a parent I would not want my son or daughter to get involved with a recovering addict. Your parents just want whats best for you. Naranon meeting are a wonderful support for you. Please just understand as parents we dont want to see our children travel a path of disappointment and sadness.

TTOSBT

Welcome Bella! I am sorry to be so blunt in my first post to you, but NO! That is not all that matters. You have actually spent one month with him sober and you two together on the outside, right? You know nothing about this guy at all, trust me. He is 10 years older than you and I can SO see your parents side to this. They want you to find a man that can take care of you and you of him. This is not what you are getting into here. Do you want children? That would not be a great idea with this guy for quite a while, if ever.

I do wish you the best but you are self admittedly naive regarding this. Please seek out Alanon or Naranaon. You can learn a lot! Welcome again!

jerect

Two Years ago, I met the man that I thought was my soul mate, he was perfect in every way except for the fact that he was 2 months clean from an opiate addiction. I knew nothing about addiction, I had never taken drugs in my life, none of my family members were addicts and I never associated with addicts. So to say the least I was very naive. I believed him when he told me that he was over the whole drug thing and that he was dedicated to a clean living life.

We got married within 6 months of living together and three months after we got married my AH relapsed. Thats been a year and a half ago and for a year and a half I have been in addiction hell.

Do I love my husband? Yes, I absolutly love him with all my heart. Would I do it all over again? No way! As much as I love him, the pain, the worry and the chaos of living with an addict overshadows all the love and support that I can give this man.

There is nothing worse then not being able to trust the man that you are in love with. Once trust is violated it takes a long time for that person to earn your trust back. I will probably never trust my husband 100% again.

Your BF has a job, a great support group and he is attending meetings. Those are all great signs but it still does not mean that he wont relaps. My AH was attending meetings, had a sponsor, had a job and had the most amazing support from his friends and family and all the while he was using. Hopefully this will never be the case with your BF but the possiblity is always aways there.

If you are determined to stay in this relationship then you definetly need to get yourself into Naranon or ALanon meetings right away. I would also set boundaries so that if your BF does relaps you will have already decided what you are going to put up with and what you are not going to put up with. Lastly, I would tell your parents. If you have to keep a relationship secret then you do not need to be in that relationship. YOur parents may or may not approve or support the relationship but hiding it from them is not the way to go about this.

First and foremost you need to take care of you. YOu are not responsible for your BF's sobriety and you are not the drug police either. If he is going to use, he will use. If he is going to relaps he is going to relaps and there is nothing that you can do about it.

Best of luck to you.

veruca211

Bella,
Im pretty much in the exact situation as you, but worse, I havent even told my parents about my alcoholic bf stint in rehab the past two months and now he's even fallen off the wagon big time. He got a DUI last week and is still in jail! Holy cow, right? I am also 26 and we are also madly in love- which makes it all the harder. I want to believe in him and believe that he can get back on track and stay sober. But slowly Im begining to realize that a life with him is just playing with fire. My parents have been married 35 years and went into it in love, healthy, succesfull, etc. and even with the best start, have still had their ups and downs! So, hows it going to be for us when we already have problems right out of the gate? and big problems at that! I know we love our boyfriends and see the best in them, but Im starting to understand that we have to first see the best in ourselves and want and demand the absolute best for ourselves. But listen, this is all a new revelation to me and I still find myself wavering because it is so hard. Im going to start going to al-anon and focusing on myself, career, etc. He called today from JAIL and I told him he needs to want to get sober for himself and that timing is everything and maybe its just not our time. He sounded crushed and it felt awful doing it, since he is scared and in freakin jail till his hearing on Wed.- ya, we dont even know how long he'll be in there. It could be 2 more days or 2 more months! Anyways, if you ever want to write me, Id love that cuz we sound like we are in the same boat! Take care and hamg in there.
veruca211

Callie

To everyone here who is a new R with an addict. Run as fast and as far as you can. If they're relapsing that quickly you're only in for a world of hurt. I met my AH when I was 17. 21 years, 2 kids, a hefty mortgage later AH is in his 3rd rehab, lost an awesome job that he's had for 19 years and is living with his mom. I've had to fend for myself and explain to our 7 year old twins why daddy isn't living here right now. You think you're hurting right now, add a few kids into the mix and it hurts even more to know that he chose this OVER not only you, but your kids as well. Run, Run far and fast. JMHO.

BBD

Listen to Callie girls~~My son has been the addict in our life. He is just now trying to get clean and stay that way. But along the road~ relationships did not work. Its heartbreaking for everyone involved but I bet you'd rather spend your lives with upstanding, loving, fun men that can give you what you want out of life.....way too much money goes into addiction instead of the neccessities in life ~let alone~ the extras...be smart and move on. Gosh I know how hard this sounds so really do alot of reading around here before you decide to set yourselves up for misery~~ Smiles, Bonnie

outtolunch

I am sorry you find yourself in an either/or situation and perhaps the forbidden fruit tastes just a little bit sweeter because of the situation.

If there is a silver lining to loving an addict, it is learning the life lesson that none of us have any control over other people or their choices. Your parents do not owe you support just because you are their daughter. It's their choice.

You are 26 and old enough to be making your own decisions. Make sure one of those decisions is a clear boundary as it relates to what you will not tolerate and if put in that situation, walk away, for good. In the meantime, double-up on the bith control because babies do not cure addiction.

jerect

I have heard time and time again, that recovering addicts should refrain from getting involved in new relationships for at least a year. I'm beginning to see why this is a great idea. The addict needs to focus only on his recovery.

Girls, please listion to Callie and the others.. Life with an addict is not fun, it's hell, it's frustrating and it's very disapointing. I know you love them with all your hearts but take it from me, getting out of a relationship is much less complicated then getting out of a marriage. Run while you can, run while there is no children in the mix and most of all run while you are still young and have your whole life ahead of you. There are so many other guys out there that you can have healthy relationships with.

If you are finding that you are choosing men that are addicts or that have other problems that you feel you can rescue them from then you need to take a long hard look at yourself and ask why you choose relationships like these. I wish I would have asked myself this question two years ago. Maybe, now I would be in a healthy relationship with someone and not an addict whose number one priority is scoring his drugs and getting high. I valued my self worth on making someone else happy and being their Savior so to speak rather then making my ownself happy. My silver lining in all of this is realizing that I have no control over my AH's behavior or drug use. What he has done is his choice and if he chooses to cope with life by taking drugs then so be it.

barblsn

Jerect: Would I do it all over again? No way! As much as I love him, the pain, the worry and the chaos of living with an addict overshadows all the love and support that I can give this man.

There is nothing worse then not being able to trust the man that you are in love with. Once trust is violated it takes a long time for that person to earn your trust back. I will probably never trust my husband 100% again.

Yeah. I have been thinking about this alot, as my husband will be coming home from prison next month. He is such a great man, until he uses cocaine. And I have been asking myself if I could do it all over again, would I have married him. I still don't know. The good does not outweigh the bad. I will never trust him 100% again. I will always be trying to think a step ahead of him. We have lived apart more than we have lived together. Hell, I've lived with his son longer than I've lived with him.

Well, he's been clean 2 years, but that 2 years in prison. I'm giving him one more try. I have no idea how this will go, but I am not taking any crap this time.

Bella222

I posted this a couple weeks ago in the relationships and parenting forum but didnt get much of a response so I wanted to repost it in this one. Im sure glad I did. All of the responses are very overwhelming. It sure is tough to hear everyone pretty much tell me to just run away. Maybe I am being naive but is it wrong for me to believe that an addict can get clean and start a new life? Believe me im not in that state of mind like "well maybe he will stop because he met me" If hes gonna relapse hes gonna relapse nobody can change that. I understand an addict will always be an addict but is there no hope for them? I know its a huge risk to take. Im not jumping into getting married or anything. I respect what everyone said and really appreciate taking time out to respond. Thank you to everyone. I guess I have A LOT of thinking to do.

splendra

The part about him struggling with addiction for many years is what I would be concerned about because each relapse is worse than the one before. To me this is the biggest red flag.

Are ya'll living together? I hope not. I hope he is living on his own and is supporting himself.

Addicts look for people who are easy going and easily manipulated and who really want to trust them. They know how to keep us hooked on our love for them which is our addiction.

I hope for your sake you will start yourself a nice savings account for hard times or for when you feel that you have had enough so you will have enough money to start over if you are living with him.

Good things can trigger a relapse and hard times can too. Good times are cause for celebration and hard times are cause for seeking release.

I can't blame your parents at all for not wanting you to be with this guy.

kidsandmemake3

Bella, Bella I am glad you posted here... Please discover what it is about you that wants to think that things are ok when they are not. Please do not get in deeper with this relationship until you understand yourself better. I have a posting in Relationships and Parenting forum and wish I would have posted here as well- you did the right thing by seeking where you would get the well-needed support.

I hope you can explore why it is that you are playing into your addict's control methods (you have all ready allowed yourself to become a secret-keeper, thus validating his addiction and becoming an enabler to him). You mentioned that you believed that God brought this man into your life... while that may be true, maybe it was to help teach you how to set boundaries...

Your writing seems to defend your desire to stay with your addict, but if you do, go into it with your eyes open. Read the postings in here... how many happy endings do you really find when the behaviors of secrecy and deception (yes, that is what you are doing to your very close friends and family) are present?...

Bella, addiction is a DISEASE... not a FLAW! Call it what it is, do not pretend or minimize your way out of this one... Please consider, do you really want to gamble your life (and the lives of any other people you might bring into this world) on the decisions of someone else?

Thank you for your posting; please keep coming back to SR...

jerect

[QUOTE=Bella222;1937407] Maybe I am being naive but is it wrong for me to believe that an addict can get clean and start a new life? QUOTE]

Yes, it is possible that an addict can get clean and start a new life, there are some wonderful RA's on this board who are living proof of that... However, those recovering Addicts will tell you, that getting clean and living a normal life did not and does not come easy.

The others are right when they say that actions speak louder then words. What are your BF's actions telling you? Is he still hanging around the same people? Is he activly working a program? I don't mean is he attending meetings because there is a big difference in working a program and attending meetings.

Just take a long hard look at yourself and think about what is best for YOU.. sometimes you have to think with your head instead of your heart.

There is rarely a happy ending when you are in a relationship with an addict. If we could love and support them clean this board would not exist.

Alaia

I wasted a year of my life with my ex. I posted something similar this time last year Bella. I wish I had listened to everyone when they told me to run, because they were right. I had to find out on my own, though. I thought maybe it would be different for me and my abf. He had a job, went to meetings, had a sponsor and a support group. He even got involved in NA going to the business meetings and being part of the group. He also has a 9yr old son...but it didn't stop him from stealing from me and not paying his child support when he relapsed. I am glad you found SR. Everyone here has great advice and it has been very helpful for me. Good luck.

Chino

You took the words out of my mouth.

I met an incredible woman with 25 years of sobriety, who was married a little over a year ago. She always told everyone she was a recovering alcoholic when dating, but said almost all of them were actively co-dependent and she didn't need that.

My daughter knows she is no where near ready for a relationship and said those that want one with her have to be co-dependent. This self awareness is a good thing and I'm glad she found it.

Substance abusers, in recovery or not, know what is good or not for them. Bella, please make sure you know the same, too.