Neverwanted

May I ask a perhaps, odd question?

If we are to run from an addict, who will help them if they are so bad off that their rock bottom may be death?

I know helping an addict requires establishing very solid boundaries. A challenge to those boundaries is the manipulation mastery they possess. Sometimes it is hard to know when a boundary is being violated because of the finnesse they use in manipulating us when we are in love and want to help. We end up questioning our sanity and our borders at times when facing those now blurry boundaries.

How can we have self esteem and boundaries if we are in love with an addict? It is almost an oxymoron. Or is it?

I am unclear and asking for some experience on this question.

For those who love an addict, how do we run away? Is it what should be done? Who helps the addict if they are in the pit of despair and we leave? My worst fear is their demise or hurting another human being. I realize we cannot control their behavior - but if they cant afford help (a HUGE problem in this country is addiction help and rehab programs and insurance) how can they get it? When do we walk away? What happens if we walk away?

If it is a love relationship it might be easier for me. But if it were my child I cannot EVER see myself walking away. I dont know why this is but it is what it is.

Not judging anyone I just seek opinions/.

Chino

God, because if it gets to that point, none of us can do a darned thing about it.

jerect

Thats why it's so important that we work a program...

It wasn't until I was able to put my AH into the hands of my Higher Power that I was then able to turn the focus on myself.

We walk away when we have had enough, hopefully we walk away before our spirit and self worth is broken. Walking away from an addict is a very very hard thing to do but when it comes down to the choice of the addict taking us down with them through their misery and brokeness or us walking away in order to save ourselves then we must walk away.

It doesn't mean that we stop loving the addict.. it's quite the opposite actually.. Sometimes love is best expressed by letting go.

Sometimes an addicts bottom is death, other times it's the addict just being sick and tired of being themselves. Interventions are a great way to help an addict hit his/her bottom. But they need to be carefully planned and most importantly they will only work if the addict agrees to the help. If the addict chooses not to accept the help then there is nothing that you can do.

The best thing you can do for the addict in your life is support them in recovery and leave them alone to their addiction.

I'm glad you are posting and reading this board. It has helped me so much in dealing with my AH..

Neverwanted

Thank you so much for your experience and insight. Letting go seems like the right answer. Wish it was not so damned painful.

Neverwanted

I am curious. Are the people who become addicted to the cycle of love and helping an addict, often addicts themselves, or become one (ie: drugs)?

splendra

They are often addicted to what they think is love. When someone is in the middle of a relationship with an Addict they can become addicted to knowing what the A is up to they look for them, go thru their stuff, call around trying to find them just like an addict would do if they need their dope.

I suppose some become addicted to drinking and drugging too. A real codie's drug of choice is an addict.

bluerskies

Jerect - thank you for your answer. There were some things I needed to hear in it.

jerect

Anytime.. I'm just glad that my insights can possibly help someone..

winnie12

In my case it was addiction to fixing someone else so that they would love and appreciate me. typically we look to their faults and problems more than our own. once we address our own weaknesses its much easier to walk away from the dysfunctional relationship. I asked a counselor once "why do these guys always pick me" to which he responded that the real question was "why do i pick them." that was the question that woke me up because i realized this need inside of me to fix someone who had problems in order to feel good about myself. Egotistically, I wanted to be their Hero even though they never asked to be saved.