jenn123

It happened a few months ago. She came over with hugely dialated pupils, acting strangely and anxious. She swore she wasn't on anything, that she was just tired, just exhausted. But as I went to the bathroom and picked her jeans up off the floor a little white baggie of powder fell out. I was shaking, horrified, and crying and I tossed it on the bed and asked what the hell was going on.

She said it was just a few times, she just got it because other people did. No big deal, blah blah. I wanted to believe her so she promised it was over. She had just quit the job where she was around the people who influenced her to do it so now it wouldn't be a problem.

A few weeks later, same kind of situation except this time it was her roommates who found empty bags in her dresser. She said they were really old and she just kept the empty ones to remind her of where she'd been. We all wanted to believe her, so we did.

And then there was lat night. She met me at a bar with friends and came in looking trippy. She went to the bathroom and left cigarettes on the table so i went to toss them in her bag and low and behold, three baggies inside 2 half empty, one full.

We got home (to my apt) fought, yelled, she cried, I cried, she said she didn't know what she was doing, blah blah. It was 5am by now and we both fell asleep, she had to head to work this morning but promised to come over on Monday so we could talk about all this and try to figure out what to do. I asked her to leave the coke with me, so she did.

What in the hell am I supposed to do? I love her, we've been together 4 years and she claims her problem isn't too severe but does own up to have a problem. I've been researching all day, looking up CA programs, buying books, I'm in the dark here people. I don't do drugs, I never have. I grew up around people who did and saw what it did to all of their lives and just never had any desire but now I'm faced with this.

Should I offer help? Just be supportive? There's a CA meeting on Monday night I wanted to go to her with, that is, if she'll go. I don't know. I really don't. Should I just walk away? The idea of that feels so wrong, giving up on someone when they need you the most.

I need help here...

ANGELINA243

You can make the offer--but even if she does go to a CA meeting..that doesn't mean that she will stop using. Has she asked you for help at anytime regarding her drug problem. Again, you can present the info>but you can't force an addict to get clean. If she is to stay clean--it must be that she has an honest desire to stop using drugs--which must come from within herself. If she has no desire to stop--there is nothing you do for her until she is ready. Whether to stay/go is up to you. But to place any expectations upon any "using" addict isn't being realistic. They will often lie and are often selfish, self-centered people---not necessarily meaning to hurt others, but the drugs are more important to them. Hang around here/keep posting. You are not alone.

Impurrfect

Welcome to SR!

I'm sorry for what you are going through.

Angelina is right...no one can make an addict quit if they aren't ready. We call it the 3 c's...you didn't cause it, can't cure it and can't change it.

There is a ton of support here, and people who know what you're going through. I hope you read around and keep posting.

One thing I would recommend is watch your money and valuables. Even the most trustworthy person, once they get far enough into addiction, will do things (like steal) you'd never think possible.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

jenn123

Thank you both for your kind responses. I really like what you said about the three C's and I'm really going to try and keep that in mind for the future.

I think our talk tomorrow will really help me see what will happen in the near future. Does she want to stop, is she willing to do what it takes? That sort of thing.

And to answer your question Angelina, no she has never asked for my help, it's always been me catching her. So that's not good either. She said she hasn't told me for fear of disappointing me but I personally think it's BS and she just didn't want to deal with it.

I'm just so incredibly shaken, so I really appreciate your responses.

Freedom1990

I know how badly that hurts. I was married to an addict, and I ended up leaving him for my own sanity and safety. Keep posting and asking questions. There's a great group of folks here on SR! :ghug3

marle

My daughter had 4+ months clean from heroin. She was doing well, etc. Yesterday after not coming home all night, I knew something was up. She came home and went to bed immediately. Later when I entered her room, I smelled stale alcohol breath. I know that smell and despite her denials that she had been drinking, I knew. I have been through this before and so I asked her to find a place of her own and leave. I have learned that there is nothing that you can do to help an addict if they don't want help. They will make tons of promises, cry bucketloads of tears and in the end they will do what they want to do and you will end up being the mess. The only way to help an addict is to not help them. Let them fall all by themselves. Do not make excuses for them and do not clean up their messes or lend them money. In other words, while they are actively using you need to find a way to detach. It is not easy, but it is the only way to save your sanity. Buy the book Codependent No More and read it. It will help you to learn to let go. Hugs, Marle

Momsrainbow

Read the "stickies" at the top of page. What Addicts Do and Let Me Fall.

You will stay with her or go, but you are in for a very bumpy ride. Stick around with SR, there are so many here with the same problems. Life will get better once you understand addiction.

katie44

Hi there mom of a 21 year old AS. My son started using cocaine when he was 16 years old. He rode horses and was an ametuer jumper on the A circuit. He spent a lot of time at the barn working and travelling to horse shows. One day while I was cleaning out his tack box we found empty packets he said they werent his. Then I found them in the vents at home he said he would stop. Took him to counselling and drug testing we did everything to the point we were exhausted. Six years later and a whole lot of heartbreak he still uses, smokes crack. It is a progressive disease and only gets worse. This is her journey and only she can do it and really want the help. Its great you have come to this site. I know for me its been a life saver for myself. Naranon is a wonderful support for you.

mooselips

Hi and welcome to Sober recovery.

I'm the mom of 2 addict sons, one is sober for today, the other...not.

If you decide to stay you are in for a long road of ups, and downs. Unfortunately there is nothing we can do to make them stop using, this is something they need to do on their own. The faster we stop enabling them, or letting ourselves be manipulated, the faster they spiral towards their bottom, and sometimes seek help.

Please read all you can, especially the sticky at the top of the forum page called "What addicts do"

rozied

Welcome to SR, you have come to the right place if you have a grown child who is using. Drugs and/or alcohol, any addiction for that matter only brings chaos & problems.
I have a question, does she live with you or have her own place?
Diane

stefffanyy

I am sorry to hear about your friend. She must want help because when I was in active addiction I never would of left a bag with you, ya know? I would say you are going to need patience and prayer good luck to you and your friend.
Stef