dogged

well my ex crackhead boyfriend came to see me when he got out,,i almost wished that he hadnt..it had been a year since i had seen him,, ithink he did it to get back at me for moving on after he violated his parole one more time..all of a sudden it took me back 10 steps,, i was doing pretty good, moving on(or so i thought)..now the old feelings have started creeping back in ,,man he looked good..all of a sudden the "what If" game started palying in my head, he swears he os done with crack, but now he goes out and parties with his siblings and i guess he bought some pot so if the cravings get real bad he can use that? i now i should count my self lucky for him not wanting to be with me..but yet at the same time it makes me feel bad??? i keep trying to convince myself that i am better off and logically i know this, butmy heart says something different..this sucks..i miss him, wehad somereally good times together when we were, but i know i need to look at the reality of the situation and not fantasize over what i wish it could be... he doesnt call me or anyhting..i guess iwas good enough when he neededhelp but now that he is done with his probation he doesnt want me around? should i be surprised? NO typical addict behavior,,but it still hurts that he just acts like what he did have,, means nothing..oh well i really shouldnt be surprised, other than that ..i have been promoted at my job and i took a mototrcycle class that i always wanted to do..lol and in general my life is so much better with out the drama of it all.. i hope my feelings for him go away in time..it took me a long time to get to the place where i am now..im so glad we dont live in the same town...ive started reading my codeopendant book again to refresh my memoery, i also journal alot and write down what i am thinking..it brings it all to light ,,im guessing it will be a matter of time before he falls and that god is protecting me from something bigger that may happen down the road.. either way, i need to have faith that this is all in gods hand and he knows best even if i may not understand it...thier is so much more to life than worrying if he is going to get it this time? i dont allow him to stay in my head for too long, still cant listen to cetain songs..lol how pathetic huh? but it works for me,whenever iget those old feelings back i read back on my journal and see the dysfunction of the relationship,and how i was doing everyhitng and getting nothing back, he has so much work to do on himself, i just need to work on me and become the best person i can be... i do beleive we meet people for a reason and that the experiences we go through is a lesson to be learned for something down the road..he is just a small pebble in the pond of life with many more experiences to come my way..when you look at the cycle of life and all that one goes through, it really is such a small portion of the big picture,our journey which is not complete.. whatever our addicts that we love so much do to us..we have to remeber its not an attack against us,, they are doing what they know how to do..its the dysfunction of the drug and many years of lack of growth on thier part that the relationships dont work(and our enabling)... we are also doing what we know how to do..and its not always the right thing to do...everyone grows on thier own and learns at thierown pace, i realize that with me being in the picture for as long as i was, was just hurting him.. they have to be left to thier own devices to move forward in life..it hurts to see them fall, but they make that choice.... i really dont know how he is doing, but im guessing with the drinking and the pot..he is still not dealing with anyhting to get better...just numbing himself once again..he turrns 40 this year... how sad, it breaks my heart, but i know i haveno control over it, nor do i want to...we are responsible for our own happiness, no one else can do that for us..we have to love ourselves enough to stay away from the dysfunction.. i hope everyone is doing well, my heart breaks for thhe new ones coming on here cuz i know where they are headed...but just take time out for yourself and breath, and take your emotions out of it for awhile and see it for what it really is... and even though you may see no end to the pain..it does get better in time,,time is the key.....when your away form the situation long enough your mind clears and reveals to you what you were trying to avoid faceing,,it shows you what you need to work on for yourself.. take care everyone
i check in from time to time to see how others are doing and to remind myself of what iam leaving behind...
god has a plan for everyone ,,we just need to be patient and see what he is going to do..we are a painting not yet finished..sorry im rambling i guess i just needed to vent, but i know ill be ok, i need to keep doing my baby steps one day at a time, and do something for me everyday, that is so important, because when living with an addict your cup runs dry til you have nothing left to give, and we have to fill it back up again and this may take some time..baby steps....

katie44

I enjoyed reading your post. Sounds like your doing well in your recovery. I know its not easy and very painful. Takes a long time to change our codie behaviour. Your should be very proud of yourself as for rambling on we all need to vent. How right you are if we let the addict drain us they will. What is important is we take care of ourselves. We all need to be reminded of that. hugs and prayers to you.