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I asked her to move out

Old 10-05-2008, 06:37 AM
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I asked her to move out

After promising not to go out last night and then going out and promising that she would be home by 1 and then showing up at 7 this morning, I told her it was time to move out. This is not about drinking or drugging because I don't believe that is happening. This is about pushing our boundaries to the point that as Hangin would say "It is in her best interest to move out." She is 22 and does not want to live up to her promises because she is not ready to take that look at herself and see what she needs to change. I am becoming the person again that I said I would never be again and I don't want to go there. So now it is time for her to p*ss or get off the pot so to speak. I am a little disappointed that it has come to this but I am looking at it as the thing that is best for both of us. If she continues to live here, we will not have any kind of a relationship. I refuse to police her because I know all the tricks. So it is what it is and I am okay with it. Hugs, Marle
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Old 10-05-2008, 06:43 AM
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Marle,

I had to do that last year. This was my older, sober son, but he was bumping up against boundaries and I felt as though he was taking advantage. It was just TIME for him to get his own place, but he was very reluctant. It was difficult for both of us, because he didn't think he had "done anything wrong."

In my experience, getting him to take the first step was the most difficult. We finally sat down one night and talked about money and budgets and what he thought he'd like to have at his own place : cable, internet, big screen TV ... you know, all the important stuff LOL and it got better from there. He saw his own income and his own stuff coming together on paper.

Good luck, big hugs from mom to mom. As I've said before, this mom stuff is NOT for weenies
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Old 10-05-2008, 07:15 AM
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(((Marle)))
as long as she crossed your boundaries while living under your roof then you are doing the right thing. it's better that way than damage your relationship.
Plus she's a big strong clever girl so i'm sure she'll be happy to gain total independence.
take care
Carine
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Old 10-05-2008, 07:35 AM
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Cat, My daughter has said the same thing, "I am not doing anything wrong." It is not about doing anything wrong. It is about living up to the promises made when she came back from the halfway house. And slowly those promises are not being kept. Plus she knows that at 55 I need my sleep and that is not happening and she sees hanging with this boy as being more important. Since they are playing house, it is time to find a house. I know that there is more to the story than meets the eye and I heard her say to him, "If we don't live together, then I can't see you anymore." Ahhh, manipulation at its finest. She always picks guys that are not as smart or good looking as she is and she always finds the enabler. This time it is him. He is the one out there looking for an apartment while she is snuggled in her bed. He is the one who will give her his extra car to get to work with. He is the one who makes more money and will pay her bills. And he is the one who will be the object of her verbal abuse if he says no. I thought about warning him, but you know how that goes when his choices are a beautiful, charming girl on one hand and an old shrew of a mom with a warning on the other hand. My door is closed to future handouts, bailouts or help with rehab, rent, a shoulder to listen, etc. Can't trust her, don't want her around is my new motto. We will see how long it lasts Hugs, Marle
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Old 10-05-2008, 07:51 AM
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Originally Posted by marle
I am becoming the person again that I said I would never be again and I don't want to go there.
Oh No, dear friend, you are nothing like the person you used to be...just read your post above this one. That's your recovery shining brightly and the new Marle just sparkling.

Yup, it stinks to be us some days. I loves Cats saying that this mom stuff is not for weenies. But walking together, sharing our load makes it a whole lot more fun.

Big Hugs and Lotsa Love Mom-to-Mom
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Old 10-05-2008, 07:59 AM
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Ann, You are right. I am not the person that I used to be. She told me to go get a drug test and she would take it. She would even buy it. But whether she is using or not is not the important thing to me right now. It is living up to her word and she is slipping on that one. I don't want to be the codie police anymore because I know that does no good. She thinks not using means recovery, but if the same behaviors exist then to me that is not any better than being a dry addict. I did see changes at first but they are slowly being eroded. Even though she attends meetings, I think she has stopped listening. Told me she is different. She needs to make her choices somewhere else. NOT HERE. Hugs, Marle
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Old 10-05-2008, 08:06 AM
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Marle, glad to see you are sticking ...you have no choice really...and you need to play this out...
I feel you on this, a little disappointing but business as usual, after all if she were all "growed up", you wouldn't need such stringent boundaries...a blessing that it isn't about using, she has come so far, and done so well and now it is time for her to learn about the aspects of herself and her life that aren't so life threatening and just part of living as an adult in the world...good for you, great recovery...prayers and hugs for you and your girl...Grateful

Last edited by grateful2b; 10-05-2008 at 08:24 AM.
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Old 10-05-2008, 08:12 AM
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Good for you, Marle, and I understand your decision. I had read your last post about what she was doing, but hadn't responded.

When I took my oldest in after her 9 month jail stint, I had boundaries here too, including being home at a decent hour as I also have dogs who wake me up, and she stepped over every boundary I had.

She was out the door in a month's time. I haven't ever regretted that decision.
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Old 10-05-2008, 08:44 AM
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Marle -

What you are saying sure does sound healthy to me. I can certainly vouch that living with a "dry drunk" is another version of hell. I feel my old feelings too and don't want to slip back there. It's not worth it.

You are right - it's not about the drugs...it's about recovery. I know this must be a difficult time but you sure sound good.

Sending love and hugs
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Old 10-05-2008, 09:22 AM
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Marle,
Hugs to you.
To me, a key element of recovery is learning to detach from the affairs of others. That's what you're doing, and it's the right thing to do, IMO.


Hugs and prayers...
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Old 10-05-2008, 10:18 AM
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It seems while she is clean, the addict behaviour remains. Oh that took me a lot of hard work to start to change the inner me. But Marle, what gives me hope is that she is staying clean. It starts there.
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Old 10-05-2008, 10:24 AM
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How strong
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Old 10-05-2008, 10:26 AM
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Hi Marle,
I might have grown up sooner if my mom and dad had either imposed rules or kicked me out when I was clean and in my 20's. They were both so thrilled I wasn't using anymore that they let me get away with whatever. I came and went as I pleased, worked but kept all the money for myself, never even washed a dish in their home but I felt totally entitled to live their and eat their food. After my dad died I lived in the house when my mother moved out! She still payed the mortgage/taxes, and bills while I lived there rent free. Even typing this now, I can scarcely believe what I got away with. And to top it off, I had an attitude most of the time and demanded stuff from her. Did I stay clean? Yes, for 10 years more. But I didn't learn how to be a grown up or how to respect others for a much much longer time. So do what you feel is best - it probably is.
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Old 10-05-2008, 10:31 AM
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Marle, good for you. She new the boundaries and broke them. If you let her stay the boundaries will be pushed even further. It's your home and your life good for you you.
(((( hugs))))))
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