Getting close to move out time
 

My daughter is still clean, going to counseling and to meetings when she is not working (only have AA here and only at night). She is still waitressing and making pretty good money. She is paying off her debts, most of them in collections and some ordered by small claims court. She no longer sees the ex-abf which is a very good thing. The one small problem that is now cropping up is the new boyfriend. He does not do drugs, is close to her age, treats her very well. But she wants to hang out with him everynight after work until the wee hours of the morning. Now the problem with that is we live in a very small house with 5 dogs that bark at anything. So when she does come home they bark. Her coming home wakes me up and with menopause it is not so easy to go back to sleep. So needless to say I am exhausted. I am happy that she is clean, making friends and dating someone who is nice to her for a change. So therein lies the dilemma. We told her she could live here as long as she did not use, was working and worked on recovery. She is doing all those things. Yet I am ready for her to have more independence which to me translates into moving out. She can't afford it and has no car. I know that. She does not want to move in with the new boyfriend because it is still so new and she wants to make sure it will work out first. She is also extremely dependent on me emotionally which I am trying to work on by encouraging her to make more of her own decisions. She has made some progress since she first moved home when she wanted to spend 24/7 with me. I enjoyed it too since I had not had much contact with her for a long time. Right now we are trying to come up with a timetable for when she will be ready to leave. Any suggestions from those who have been there done that? Thanks, Marle

Hi Marle,

I am new here. I am curious how old your daughter is? You are so lucky to have her working, getting healthy and not using. I pray for the day when my daughter is making progress like that. Our situations sound much the same. I just wish the ABF would get out of her life and a clean kid would take his place.

We have two dogs and too many cats that I care to mention, the sound of your daughter coming home with a clean BF is a blessing.

Take care.

heyya marle, long time no talk

I dont have much advice on your situation being that I was kind of the exact opposite when I first got clean. Wanted to move out and get on with my life as quickly as possible, it was my mother and father who wanted me to stay in the house for the first 6 months sober (which i did after a few long talks with them). The reasons they gave me for wanting me to stay with them for that time was to build up enough sober time so I would be able to resist the temptation to get high // drunk when out living alone, build new sober friendships with kids my age(all my former friends were junkies//kids i sold drugs to), and just gain confidence in myself. It worked well, staying at home under their supervision and taking suggestions from them on what to do with myself (i didnt really even know how to live at the time(dealing//using drugs was my entire life and all i thought i could do), sad i know lol.

Anyway the reason im saying this is maybe you should sit her down and have a talk with her on what your feeling and ask what her plans are for the future. I dont remember how long she is clean these days but I think it is over 3 months now for her?? See where her head is at and how her self esteem is. Because at this point in her recovery she should start making plans for her future being that she is still young and can pretty much do anything she sets her mind to achieve. (she has no prior record, no diseases, etc so there should be nothing stopping her)

Glad that she is still clean and seems like you couldnt be happier in life at the moment. Keep us updated on how you // her are doing. take care ~~ scotty

Marle I feel your pain. When my daughter first moved back home we had a curfew because I need to sleep too, and we don't close our bedroom door at night. It wasn't the noise of her coming in that would wake us, it was her being in the kitchen. Eventually I had to tell her to stay out of it, I didn't care if she thought she was starving. Sleep is important for serenity :)

Do you all plan on helping subsidize her housing when she moves out? There are recovery homes out there that are reasonable if she'd consider it. I wish we had an Oxford House near us because it's more a community than just a home.

If you aren't going to help her financially then her finances will dictate her moving out. Until that time comes, I hope you all can work out something reasonable that helps everyone maintain serenity.

Marle,

Would you rather lose sleep because she comes home, or the alternative?

Since she did slip with alcohol she and the new boyfriend are moving in together. That way I will not lose sleep either way:) Hugs, Marle

(((Marle)))

Good for you for sticking with your boundaries!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Marle,

I feel your dilemma.

My recovering RAD (Meghan) was never "offered" the option of returning home after her rehab, halfway house and three-quarter house living arrangements.
It just was not an option for ME.

I admired you for allowing your daughter to return to your house.
I was somewhat disappointed in myself, because I could not do that.
But, part of me said.... I don't know, sounds like it could be a difficult situation.

Your Megan, and my Meghan had been out on their own for so long.
Coming home sometimes is not all it's cracked up to be.
Even when my sober daughter graduated from college, she was not "invited" back home to live.

Call me a mean mom, but my parents never "invited" me back in to live with them :) and look how I turned ...
(OK forget that analogy)

I may get some negative comments about that phrase, but that's OK.
We live in a very small house, and I like peace and serenity when I come home at night.
I know that you and your husband what nothing more than Megan's happiness (and sobriety) but at whose expense?

Our Meg(h)ans can do this, but it does not necessarily mean that they have to do this under our roofs.
You can help her out in so many other ways that do not include disrupting your sleep :)

I see my daughter often, she lives a few miles from my house, and I am often called the "meals on wheels Mom"....

You do what YOU can, and that's about all YOU can do.


Big Hugs,


:Val004:

do what you are comfortable with. megan will stay clean or not. the choice is hers. do not be hard on yourself. you need your rest & you deserve your life back. i hope it works out with her new b.f. since they have decided to live together. prayers,