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Sa?

Old 10-01-2008, 10:17 PM
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Sa?

Hello all, I was here a long time ago when my son was going through recovery from drug and alcohol addiction. He is still doing well, substance wise, over 18 months sober at age 21 and working, going to school, living on his own and I am very proud of him. He is very active in his AA/HA/CA community and does step work, meditation and prayer to his HP, has a sponsor and sponsors a few people. He is very open and honest with me, for the most part.

He recently told me he thinks he is a sex addict and is seeking out an SA sponsor and starting those steps.

Here is my dilemna.

Codie me. He has had to cut back his work hours due to the difficult college major he has chosen, and I know he spends a lot of time studying and is trying hard. He wants this career path he has chosen and need financial help from me. I required us to sit down and make out a budget and advised where he could cut corners. Based on that, we agreed upon an amount I would give him each month to allow him to keep up his studies and still pay his bills. He feels (and I agree) that it is better for him to live on his own because his life really changed once he had to do that.

But I am a signer on his checking acct and I see that subscriptions to "adult" sites are being charged to him. His laptop screen recently went out - it has been a problem with this laptop we have repaired more than once. I told him flat out I cannot afford a new laptop for him and gave him the information to call the manufacturer to see if it was still under warranty.

I am seriously struggling here with continuing to give him money since he is still paying for the adult sites..........and IMO the laptop screen going out....I wanted to ask him what site he was looking at when it happenned!?!

I do not want to jeopardize his sobriety by requiring him to work too much and either miss meetings/sponsor/step time or college. But knowing what I know, I don't want to enable him with his SA problem. I also don't want to leave him hanging out to dry. I can afford to help him, but I don't want to keep ignoring these concerns I have and I feel bad calling him out about his SA since he was honest and upfront with me about that.

Anyone been in this situation? Any advice?

And if SA is not an appropriate topic on this board, I apologize and admins/mods please remove.

TIA

CIM
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Old 10-02-2008, 03:30 AM
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Ann
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I do not want to jeopardize his sobriety by requiring him to work too much and either miss meetings/sponsor/step time or college.
CIM, nothing you do or don`t do will cause him to use or stay clean. If that were possible, not one of us would be here because we have all tried everything we could think of and walked on eggshells trying to not upset them for fear they would use. We just don`t have that power and today I am grateful because I don`t want the responsibility for anyone else`s life.

My thoughts are that if he has the money for all this, then he has more money than you think that he could be spending on classes.

You don`t have to discuss what you know or don`t know about his sex addiction and time on porn sights, you might just tell him that you have reviewed your own budget and just cannot help him right now. You get to make that choice, you don`t have to explain your reasons.

I love Mooselips choice of phrases at times like this...``I know you`re smart son and am sure you will figure something out`...or words to that effect.

His computer, his bad choices of sites, his poor spending habits on porn are all his issued to deal with, and if he has to pay for everything himself then he can take the consequences for his poor choices. It`s his lesson to learn.

Hugs
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Old 10-02-2008, 04:44 AM
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It is another addiction and one that can be just as destructive as drugs. Apply the same tools you used for his drug addiction to this one. If you keep giving him money then you are helping to feed his addiction to sex. He needs to find help for his problem. Could you offer to pay for a counselor instead of giving him money. Now may be the time to sit down with him and do another budget review. I know that you want him to succeed but you just don't have to power to make that happen. Hugs, Marle
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Old 10-02-2008, 05:57 AM
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caughtinthemid,
In actuality, you are paying for the Adult web sites he is visiting...which you already know. IF he is living independently of you, and working minimal hours, perhaps he should apply for financial aid, and be responsible for his own college bills. There's a zillion grants out there maybe willing to help him. (and it sure would save you money!)


Hugs....
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