SleeplessDad

This morning my wife found my 16yo daugthers (my wifes step-daughter) journal and learned that she has been abusing drugs, mostly marijuana but also robotussin, salvia, liquor and used heroin 3 times this year. We also learned that she has been stealing from the home as well as shoplifting from retail outlets.

I caught her smoking pot 6 months ago and she convinced me it was a one time thing and that she learned her lesson and would stop right away. I messed up and fell for it !! She begged me not to tell her mom or stepmom and I agreed on the condition that she becmome more invlved with the family. Talk more, interact with the rest of us , etc..I thought I could take care of it myself since I went through plenty of drug use as a kid myself.

She lives with her mom during the week, and is with us most every weekend from Friday after school until Monday morning when I drive her back to school. It was found out that the drug use is occurring primarily at her moms house while alone, with friends from school and a boyfriend she is obsessed with. The worst part is that she is often supplied by her MOM!!


I cant believe Im describing my beatiful little girl. She is still a wonderful, beautiful, special person with so much to offer. She has been doing well in school and usually is on the honor roll and some extra curricular activities. We always talk about college, homework, business, careers, music, movies etc. Thats about the extent of our conversations. I know she appreciates that on the one hand but is able to talk to her MOM about everything else. She thinks her mom is so cool.. and if were a kid doing drugs supplied by my mom I woud probably think thats pretty cool too. But that really complicates the problem.

When she is with us she has a very comfortable existance. A nice big room filled with a flat screen tv,dvd, computer with flat screen , 80gb ipod (found out she lost the ipod while stoned), psp tons of jewelry from relatives over the years and a large extended family that loves her.

When she is with her mom she is not so well off. The mom is on welfare, the place looks like trash and they can barely make ends meet even thogh I pay $200/week on time every week. Most of that money suppsedly goes for rent but I have no control over that. I know its just wasted.

Obviously I want want her removed from that environment but know that her mom and she are going to be very angry about that. We have considered taking this matter to the authorities because of the mom’s negligence but are are unsure where to begin. Contact an attorney to put this in motion 1st, contact DCF, the police? We want to get her help and take her out of a very unhealthy environment but she will hate us for it and likely go into depression. I can deal with that part but I dont want her mental state, self esteem etc to be shattered while doing all this. I fear her depression can lead to even worse thing to come.

Thanks for letting me vent !!!!!

Stubborn1

If it were mine I would probably take the journal and file something with the courts. I would get temporary custody of her and put her in a program where she would stay. She is 16 which means you only have a few years before she is on her own with her careless behavior.
At this point it doesn't matter she thinks, feels or says.......she needs to get help. You are the responsible parent it sounds like so you do what needs to be done. Stay strong.

Contact an attorny for a free consultation, it can't hurt. See if he suggest DCF if so, then do it. The police are not going to do anything.
Keep us posted.

caileesnana

welcome to SR.

My beautiful daugher, at age 17, began her descent into addiction hell. Your daughter is at an age where the parent still has resources and control. At 17 in Texas, there was not much I could do.

I caution you, from my experience, she will lie, cheat, steal, and manipulate anyone and everyone. She needs love and help, don't enable like I did for way too long!

Excellent essays, 'stickies' above. I read them so many times the paper worse thin.

You didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it. They have to "choose" their path. However, people can and do recover every day.

Sounds like you know what needs to be done.

Prayers for you and your daughter,
susan

cece1960

Do you KNOW these things are true, in regards to the Mom "supplying"?

I know with even a good relationship that I had with my ex, its so easy to play the blame game regarding who's fault it is that a child is doing drugs.

Before you know it, fingers are pointing all over the place except towards the child.

Flat screens, DVDs and Ipods may not be the answer, and the Mom may have to spend child support on rent...thats what it's there for. And trouble making ends meet does not consitute a bad Mom. Money isn't the all that ends all.

It goes without saying, however, that condoning drug use has no excuse.

JMO

BBD

HI Sleeplessdad, First of all. I'm so sorry you are faced with this p[roblem. But if someone doesn't face the facts now it'll just get worse. This is so sad. I'm not quite sure what I would do but I suppose starting with an attorney would be my first step. It'll be a long haul getting your daughter cause I'm sure some lying will go on~~but I wouldn't give up. Maybe some counceling is in order for everyone. Good luck and my heart breaks for you.. Hugs, Bonnie

Jody Hepler

I was fortunate - I found out that my teenaged sons were in trouble with drugs and alcohol when they were 14 and 15. I sent them to treatment (against their will - but easy to do because they were underage) and then they had a year long aftercare program. One son was more difficult than the other - so I had to go to court - and he learned that the probation office had more weight than his parents.

They found recovery through daily meetings, sponsorship, etc. in AA and NA. And my husband and I found recovery through daily Alanon meetings, sponsorship, etc.

The 14 year old just celebrated 25 years clean and sober in AA and turned 40 the following week. The other one had almost 3 years, then 2 years - then 20 years of using. But now has 1 year and is doing well.

And me, the mother, has 25 years in Alanon and was ok during all of the past years. I learned a different way to react - how to handle their use - and more about drug addicts than anyone ever needs to know.

So keep coming to SR - educate yourself - get a lawyer and advice - there is hope.

Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler

Impurrfect

(((Sleeplessdad)))

Welcome to SR!

I'm sorry for what you are going through, but glad your daughter has someone who has her best interests at heart.

I honestly don't know what I would do in your situation, but I think an attorney might be a good place to start.

Yes, your daughter will probably be angry, but what 16-year-old ISN'T angry when they don't get their way? It may take some time, but she will realize you did it out of love.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

rozied

Yes I agree consulting an attorney would be the first step. At 16 she really doesn't know what is good for her ( but she thinks she does, thats why she'll give you attitude)so it is up to you to do what is good for her.
You are lucky she is only 16 as you still have control. My son was 21 & living on his own when it all started.
Counseling sounds like a good thing especially if you wind up having to take her out of her mother's house ( especially if her mom is lenient and contributing to the drug use)
I feel bad for you. You have some really tough things to deal with and it is not going to be easy. Once a child starts no matter what the age it is hard trying to get them to stop. It's because they think they know everything.
Wishing you the best of luck,
Keep coming back,
Diane
I have been coming here for quite some time now & I see the kids that make it back, have parents who are tough, and if they are underage they make sure they get help.

SleeplessDad

Thanks everyone for all the replies! I just signed up today at this was my first post but I can tell from the replies that there is an amazing amount of history, knowledge, support and wisdom in these forums at SR!


JMO wrote:
"Do you KNOW these things are true, in regards to the Mom "supplying"?"

I know its true but apparently its not good enough for a court. Heres how I know its true:
- Her journal talks about the mom supplying it to her. The journal accurately descibes events that Im familiar with. For example, she described our vacation and her birthday accurately so its not a case of her writing fantasy which is what she would claim if confronted with it.
- 1 year ago my daughter told her cousin that she smokes with her mom. The cousin later told us what was said. I confroted daughter and the mom and they both denied it.
- the mother was fired from her good job after failing a drug test 3 years ago and has been depressed ever since.

My wife just got off the phone with a lawyer and here is an update -

- Lawyer said that going through the family court process for custody would likely be a losing battle. Daughter would be put on the stand and request that she stay with her mother. He said her journal that talks about the mom supplying pot would be treated as hearsay and not necessarily strong evidence.

- He said that calling DCF would might not work out too well either. DCF has been sent to the mothers house twice in the past regarding another child she has from another relationship and she was clean. He thought she knows how to work the system

In short, his recomendation is this:
1) take copies of the journal but put it back where it was.
2) tell daughter we know of drug use and counseling is in effect immediately. take away phone, internet etc..
3) call the mother and explain the situation and have her get on board with a recovery plan or face court or DCF or both.. have to go on faith that she will do the right thing on this one. I think she will when the enormity and seriousness of the situation slaps her in the face.


Thanks again for all the replies. This has helped get me through the day

Stubborn1

She can not deny something that is in her own handwriting. It is for her own good.Well.....she can but it won't do her any good. I hope her mother does respond accordingly. It would be very sad if she didn't. But you fight for that little girl. I think you are a great dad.

marle

Welcome to SR and I think that your lawer's suggestions sound like a good idea. Your daughter needs counseling, she doesn't need any more stuff. Keep us updated on what happens. Hugs, Marle

littlebird77

My opinion is this, you invaded her privacy, and what how ever you put your concern, she is going to be pissed about you going through her things. I would first let her know how much you and your wife care and love her... As far as all the material things she has with you, it is just material. Let her know how much you love her... Then you need to drop the bomb, as far as going into a rehab, I'm not sure if her abuse is that severe, but this is my opinion. I hate when parents throw their children into therapy, and leave the mess to the therapist. I go to a group therapy with her mom, you and your wife... You can go separate times, and then together. I think she needs to find a good group to join, with positive influence. She is obsessed with this boy, using drugs and only 16... it will only get worse.

cece1960

I stand corrected SD, and I hope your attorney's suggestions allow for change.

I guess the Mom in me just didn't want to imagine that another Mom would supply her teenage daughter with drugs. But in dealing with addiction, I've seen and heard alot that I never would have imagined before.

I wish you the best...and good for you for stepping in.

(((Hugs)))

atalose

I think if this were me, I would want to put any doubts or questions to rest so I would have a drug test waiting at home for her to take the next time she was with me.

If it’s positive I would get her into drug counseling which included family participation.

I would manage to insist on the drug test leaving out the fact about finding the journal.

I would want the facts not the stories or lies she or her mother might tell you.

I’d do a drug test and then take things from there.

SleeplessDad

Thanks again for all the advise that came out of this thread. Heres an update on the situation

We confronted my daughter in an intervention style meeting with the fact we know she has been abusing drugs. We gave her a list of rules that need to be followed that basically takes away a lot of privacy and includes random drug testing and at least outpatient, possily in patient therapy. She agreed to go along with the plan so it went about as well as can be expected.

Now she says that even though she smokes weed almost everyday that its not a problem and we are overreacting. She says she is only going to treatment because of the threats of legal action but that she is fine and does not want to be sober. Kinda scarry.. but as long she talks like that in treatment and is not using for today thats a start. i told her she doesnt have to be sober forever, just for today.

357girl

Sleepless Dad,

I only wish I had started earlier when I found out my daughter was drinking and smoking pot at 15 years of age. My sweet daughter, who sounds much like yours, suffers from OCD and some depression. At 18, she has moved on to prescription drugs (Oxycontin). As others have said, once they become adults, you have no say. Your daughter may grow out of it, like a lot of us have, but she may not. I thought for sure my daughter would straighten out like I did, and I was foolish enough to believe her when she said she wasn't using anything even though my gut told me she was. I hid my head in the sand for three years, and now, it's one hundred times worse. You always think it can never happen to your family. I guess some people are lucky, their family members "grow out of it," but many of us aren't so lucky.

It's awesome you have a very supportive wife. I applaud you for getting all the help you can before the day comes when your daughter doesn't have to listen to you anymore. If only I had started helping my daughter when she needed it years ago. Good luck with everything. I honestly believe that finding a good counselor for your daughter is the best thing for her.

~357girl

HurtingDad

The prior posts say it all---get help now for her and for you. She doesn't need a friend right now, she needs a parent to show her the way. Talk to her, talk to her MOM...a united front is needed, but not always easy.

Wish I had known about my AS (now 21) and his issues back then. Might have made a difference on how I and my exwife treated things.

copperpenny

Prayers are with you and your family. You are taking steps to address the problem. This is a long and winding road. Glad all of us have found SR to help us navigate.

Ago

Hello, I am not a therapist, or a counselor, nor do I have a child, I am a sober alcoholic that regularly attends meetings, and I will just say what I see.

First, I agree with the above post, and here's why. I presently live in (just moved back to) Marin County in the Bay Area, and AA has been invaded by these little rug rats :ghug

I went to my old "home group" recently, where there were usually maybe 25 of us, and there were over 100 high school age kids there, same thing at the "big meetings", these despicable little street urchins are cropping up everywhere, having fun, laughing, chirping like a flock of birds, it makes it really hard to hold on to my resentments with all this fun going on /mutter mumble

Anyway, they have what's known as a "speaker meeting" in some meetings, where a designated sober person gets up in front of the group and speaks for 20 to 30 minutes following the format of "What it was like, what happened, and what it's like now" and I have had the privilege of hearing some of these kids share (now admittedly I get bored at these, after a half hour a lot of times they are just getting in the third grade and eating paste, but I digress)

Anyhooow, the common theme I hear from every one of these kids, is they all got shipped off to treatment centers, they can be found in AZ, lotta places, now here's the kicker, it doesn't always take, but the treatment center ruins their drinking and drugging and when it goes bad, as it does for so many of them, they know where to go to get sober.

I can't tell you how many times I heard that scenario played out, "So I got out of treatment, and was partying within a week (long story of downward spiral, pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization, phone call to mom or dad, please come get me,) then at 18-19-or even 20 years of age, there is a person up there speaking with a few years of sobriety, many of my friends got sober in their late teens and early twenties (I'm 43) and most went on to college, got careers, had families etc.

Once an alcoholic or drug addict gets some "recovery" under their belt, it plants a seed, this doesn't mean to say everyone always gets sober and they live happily ever after, but in my humble opinion you will increase this girls chances to get sober early if in fact she does have a drinking/drug problem by about 90% by sending her to some sort of treatment facility that also has family counseling.

just my two cents

Good Luck

Abundance

I agree with AGO....... when there is NA/AA in the mind... it completely changes using.

Also - what I learned by going to family weekends was just how many people were seeking help again shortly after relapse. Where... without the initial feeding of NA/AA - it could be a ton worse.

Also - kids are pretty resilient ..... which is a good thing AND a bad thing. They think that they are able to keep going and going and then everything just magically will be alright. A treatment center is going to let them know RIGHT OFF THE BAT - that addiction is a disease and it is progressive. I *knew* that drug abuse was bad - but what I learned from the rehab facility - is that it just goes from bad to worse...... NOT bad to good.

While your daughter is of minor age - you have a lot more working for you than against you - in how you can guide her/teach her. Also - do talk with her mother... and get to know her friends and her friend's parents. I believe that controlling who she spends time with is a huge factor.