A Simple Request - In Memory of my ex-boyfriend
watching the clouds roll away
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: bliss
Posts: 87
A Simple Request - In Memory of my ex-boyfriend
I attended the funeral of my ex-boyfriend 2 weeks ago. I haven't really been able to bring myself to write much since then. I feel like every post has to start off with the fact that my addict no longer exists. That he has just disappeared, that all his pain in the end amounted to nothing. All those nights I spent worrying, all those things I did in the belief that it might help him, all the support and love, all his struggling and trying, all those meetings, all those fights, all that fear for nothing. Now just the stark acceptance that his life was wasted and it was, no one could tell me different. If drugs had not taken him and all those years of his life, he could have been a force in the world.
I wish that I hadn't distanced myself so much from him. We were still friends. I think perhaps he really loved me, of course the addiction puts a veil over everything so it is hard to tell. But I held him at a distance. Any sane person would have. But that doesn't really sooth your heart when the person you pushed away because you were so "sane" is gone forever. All that kindness at arms length, well wasn't that just so mature of me. And what that got for me? I had the chance to see him early this year. He came on an impromptu road trip to my city and asked to see me. I said no. I will never have that chance again. He was still using...it was right, but my god do you know how wrong that feels now? Couldn't I have just seen him, hugged him, let him know I cared? Why did I have to be so sure that it was a bad thing to see him? Why didn't I just see him? It's been three years since I've seen him. I will never see him again.
At his funeral I found out that they found heroin and cocaine in his body. That he had been clean for 7 months. That he and his roommates had bought a puppy two weeks before and that it had died of some puppy disease one week before he passed away. That he lost his job that week. That he got paid that week. Getting paid was never a good thing in my book when there was a chance he might use. He passed away on his bed. He had white powder under his nose. He had a rolled up dollar bill next to him. That he considered me the love of his life. That the only pictures he had in his room were a stack of pictures of me and him together. I learned I would never see him again. That he had been cremated already. That his body was gone.
I met his son. 3 years old with his smile. I felt like I wanted him to recognize me -- feel a bond with me, something to bring Mike back. But there was nothing there, just a three year old, playing at his father's funeral. I met his wife. They had been separated for a year. She is very young. She is also an addict. She tried to manipulate me. She poked and poked at me, but I let her have him. I had no desire to steal anything from anyone. She was just to young to understand that you can love someone without wanting to own them, without wanting to be with them. I saw pictures of times that I had forgotten. One whole board were pictures that I was either in or had been with him when they were taken. I think I spent the most time there. I saw his paintings, ones he made while he was with me and ones he made later. I picked up a stack of books and saw two that were once mine that he had kept. And his journals, with references to me, drawings of me, quotes I said, normal things, everyday things....and his tools and box, his paints and brushes and pens....
I don't know if his death was physically painful. I don't know if he ever really understood why I had to leave. I don't know if he knew I still loved him. I don't know why this had to happen to him or anyone.
I hope that there really is something great after all this. I hope that this was just a lesson he was given to learn because he is a strong soul capable of handling it. I hope that people respect his life and his death and remember him. I hope that he is in a good place now.
I pray for everyone who dies due to an addiction and everyone who loses someone they love due to an addiction. I really wish there was someway to stop all of this.
What I know - life is beautiful. Please make tomorrow (or today) a wonderful day for yourself in memory of my wonderful ex-boyfriend Mike. It would make me feel better to know that anybody did something good for themselves in his memory. I just need to feel something good come out of all this, even if it is a tiny good thing. Thank you everyone.
I wish that I hadn't distanced myself so much from him. We were still friends. I think perhaps he really loved me, of course the addiction puts a veil over everything so it is hard to tell. But I held him at a distance. Any sane person would have. But that doesn't really sooth your heart when the person you pushed away because you were so "sane" is gone forever. All that kindness at arms length, well wasn't that just so mature of me. And what that got for me? I had the chance to see him early this year. He came on an impromptu road trip to my city and asked to see me. I said no. I will never have that chance again. He was still using...it was right, but my god do you know how wrong that feels now? Couldn't I have just seen him, hugged him, let him know I cared? Why did I have to be so sure that it was a bad thing to see him? Why didn't I just see him? It's been three years since I've seen him. I will never see him again.
At his funeral I found out that they found heroin and cocaine in his body. That he had been clean for 7 months. That he and his roommates had bought a puppy two weeks before and that it had died of some puppy disease one week before he passed away. That he lost his job that week. That he got paid that week. Getting paid was never a good thing in my book when there was a chance he might use. He passed away on his bed. He had white powder under his nose. He had a rolled up dollar bill next to him. That he considered me the love of his life. That the only pictures he had in his room were a stack of pictures of me and him together. I learned I would never see him again. That he had been cremated already. That his body was gone.
I met his son. 3 years old with his smile. I felt like I wanted him to recognize me -- feel a bond with me, something to bring Mike back. But there was nothing there, just a three year old, playing at his father's funeral. I met his wife. They had been separated for a year. She is very young. She is also an addict. She tried to manipulate me. She poked and poked at me, but I let her have him. I had no desire to steal anything from anyone. She was just to young to understand that you can love someone without wanting to own them, without wanting to be with them. I saw pictures of times that I had forgotten. One whole board were pictures that I was either in or had been with him when they were taken. I think I spent the most time there. I saw his paintings, ones he made while he was with me and ones he made later. I picked up a stack of books and saw two that were once mine that he had kept. And his journals, with references to me, drawings of me, quotes I said, normal things, everyday things....and his tools and box, his paints and brushes and pens....
I don't know if his death was physically painful. I don't know if he ever really understood why I had to leave. I don't know if he knew I still loved him. I don't know why this had to happen to him or anyone.
I hope that there really is something great after all this. I hope that this was just a lesson he was given to learn because he is a strong soul capable of handling it. I hope that people respect his life and his death and remember him. I hope that he is in a good place now.
I pray for everyone who dies due to an addiction and everyone who loses someone they love due to an addiction. I really wish there was someway to stop all of this.
What I know - life is beautiful. Please make tomorrow (or today) a wonderful day for yourself in memory of my wonderful ex-boyfriend Mike. It would make me feel better to know that anybody did something good for themselves in his memory. I just need to feel something good come out of all this, even if it is a tiny good thing. Thank you everyone.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 456
My God, thank you so much for sharing. I mean it from the bottom of my heart from me to you that I pray you have the strength to get through this. Please don't think your tear shed in vain, I am learning from your hardship.
Love
Sharon
Love
Sharon
Ph.D in insanity!!
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 698
I've also lost two people who were very dear to me. I do not regret distancing myself because I had to for the sake of my own sanity. I think if you go back and read one of your posts you'll remember how you were feeling. I wasn't familiar with your story so I looked up your old posts. By the sound of it you did what you thought was the right thing. There are only two endings to any addicts story........sobriety and death. It's a part of life we have to accept no matter how hard it is.
Remember him for the good he gave you and put aside the rest. God Bless. So sorry for your loss.
Remember him for the good he gave you and put aside the rest. God Bless. So sorry for your loss.
watching the clouds roll away
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: bliss
Posts: 87
Angry too
Yeah -- I forget to talk about how I am angry too. I go through a revolving door of being sad, idealizing him, thinking in a way he deserved it, thinking he caused it all, thinking he didn't deserve it, ....on an on.
I think accepting all those feelings is going to be the hardest. I am lucky I was removed from the relationship for awhile before this happened. I have done a lot of work on myself, but this is bringing to light a lot of things I hadn't resolved.
I know rationally that I was doing what was best for me and him, it is just not the way I would act with anyone else I love. I would never have refused to see him. He created the circumstances that made me put restrictions in order for me to be healthy. I know that, I just guess I wish it could have been different, like we all do.
I think accepting all those feelings is going to be the hardest. I am lucky I was removed from the relationship for awhile before this happened. I have done a lot of work on myself, but this is bringing to light a lot of things I hadn't resolved.
I know rationally that I was doing what was best for me and him, it is just not the way I would act with anyone else I love. I would never have refused to see him. He created the circumstances that made me put restrictions in order for me to be healthy. I know that, I just guess I wish it could have been different, like we all do.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
((((bluerskies))))
I am so sorry for your loss. This is something that all of us here have to deal with that our loved one could die from this disease. Many people here have lost their loved ones.
It is so sad that the symptoms of their disease make the loved ones need to get away from them and the damage that they bring.
How could your heart not hurt? It is better for him and his karma that you were away from him so that he could not cause you more pain. It is better that your love for him sends him off. It is better that you and he parted friends and that you did not hate him.
I will do something today in memory of your love Mike. I will let the sun kiss my face I will breathe in some fresh air and pray that Mike is at peace.
I am so sorry for your loss. This is something that all of us here have to deal with that our loved one could die from this disease. Many people here have lost their loved ones.
It is so sad that the symptoms of their disease make the loved ones need to get away from them and the damage that they bring.
How could your heart not hurt? It is better for him and his karma that you were away from him so that he could not cause you more pain. It is better that your love for him sends him off. It is better that you and he parted friends and that you did not hate him.
I will do something today in memory of your love Mike. I will let the sun kiss my face I will breathe in some fresh air and pray that Mike is at peace.
watching the clouds roll away
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: bliss
Posts: 87
Splendra -- you post is so lovely. It is just what I needed to hear. Thank you so much. You have no idea how much it touches my heart to think of you doing that today.
watching the clouds roll away
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: bliss
Posts: 87
Limiya -- You bring up a good point about fear. I don't want to scare anyone with my post, but I know I am because I remember my own reactions to reading things like this.
Something I have learned from this. All the time I spent fearing his death, in a way it was not needed. Fearing his death prolonged the things that were making me sick. I think a lot of the things I did were out of the fear that if I didn't do them, he would die and it would somehow be my fault. The fear that I could not save him.
Now that he is gone and my biggest fear came true, I see it differently. Nothing I could have done would have kept this from happening. It has happened and even though it was the worst thing I could imagine, I have the strength to go through it as would anybody else. I guess it is to say, if I could go back I would not allow this to have been the driving force in me staying with him past the time that was healthy to be there.
Those choices did not save him and those choices did not kill him. They did damage me as well as teach me. If anyone else is out there doing things driven by the same fear, please allow yourself peace in the knowledge that this is one of those things you can not control. Choose to be healthy for yourself, whatever that is to you -- whether it be putting up strong boundaries, or looking into your heart and seeing your true intentions without bias of emotions.
Something I have learned from this. All the time I spent fearing his death, in a way it was not needed. Fearing his death prolonged the things that were making me sick. I think a lot of the things I did were out of the fear that if I didn't do them, he would die and it would somehow be my fault. The fear that I could not save him.
Now that he is gone and my biggest fear came true, I see it differently. Nothing I could have done would have kept this from happening. It has happened and even though it was the worst thing I could imagine, I have the strength to go through it as would anybody else. I guess it is to say, if I could go back I would not allow this to have been the driving force in me staying with him past the time that was healthy to be there.
Those choices did not save him and those choices did not kill him. They did damage me as well as teach me. If anyone else is out there doing things driven by the same fear, please allow yourself peace in the knowledge that this is one of those things you can not control. Choose to be healthy for yourself, whatever that is to you -- whether it be putting up strong boundaries, or looking into your heart and seeing your true intentions without bias of emotions.
turning red!
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: hong kong
Posts: 254
((bluerskies))
I thought about you when you were at the funeral, i read your last post & replied and it really touched me.
I am glad you are back here with us to share and get some support back.
I am sorry for your loss and hope you will not think too much about why you didn't go see him that day. It was not meant to be. The most important is that you have loving memories of him, as much as he had loving memories of you -hence pictures, drawings etc...
Tomorrow i'll put a smile on my face and embrace my day off with my lovely baby.
Thanks & Take care,
Carine
I thought about you when you were at the funeral, i read your last post & replied and it really touched me.
I am glad you are back here with us to share and get some support back.
I am sorry for your loss and hope you will not think too much about why you didn't go see him that day. It was not meant to be. The most important is that you have loving memories of him, as much as he had loving memories of you -hence pictures, drawings etc...
Tomorrow i'll put a smile on my face and embrace my day off with my lovely baby.
Thanks & Take care,
Carine
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
bluerskies...
I am so sorry for your loss.
I lost my brother to an overdose a little over three years ago and I remember the rollercoaster of emotions that you describe. I was all over the map not knowing what to do or where to go with my emotions. I could go from sheer anger to absolute sadness in a moments time.
I know it sounds so cliche but time will help you sort thru all of the emotions and pain. With time, your special memories of Mike will comfort you...not haunt you or bring you pain as they do now. Please be kind and gentle with yourself thru this process because you handled the situation the best way you could at the time. Mike knew you loved him...its so clear to me...a complete stranger when I read your post...I just KNOW that he knew you loved him and cared about him and I also believe that he knew why you had to distance yourself from his addiction.
Today I say a special prayer for you and Mike and all who knew and loved him.
I am so sorry for your loss.
I lost my brother to an overdose a little over three years ago and I remember the rollercoaster of emotions that you describe. I was all over the map not knowing what to do or where to go with my emotions. I could go from sheer anger to absolute sadness in a moments time.
I know it sounds so cliche but time will help you sort thru all of the emotions and pain. With time, your special memories of Mike will comfort you...not haunt you or bring you pain as they do now. Please be kind and gentle with yourself thru this process because you handled the situation the best way you could at the time. Mike knew you loved him...its so clear to me...a complete stranger when I read your post...I just KNOW that he knew you loved him and cared about him and I also believe that he knew why you had to distance yourself from his addiction.
Today I say a special prayer for you and Mike and all who knew and loved him.
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Cloud 9
Posts: 778
(((blueskies))) I am so sorry for your loss. Your post is so full of love. I really got choked up reading it. I am sure Mike had no doubt how much he was loved by you. Try to remember the person, not the addict. They are two different souls. Tonight I will burn a strawberry buttercream candle & fill my home with llight & a lovely scent. I will breath in deep & enjoy the smell & get mesmorized by the flickering flame & think of how Mike is at peace now.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Th
Thank you for this message. As one who also lost a loved one to this disease, I think it is such an important message to send. We tend to believe that if we do not keep sheltering, we can lose them...We don't have that kind of power.
Thank you for your beautiful thoughts about Mike. I spent some quiet time walking in a lovely place and thought about the peace that Mike now feels. Hoping love and peace surround you as well during this difficult time.
ose choices did not save him and those choices did not kill him. They did damage me as well as teach me. If anyone else is out there doing things driven by the same fear, please allow yourself peace in the knowledge that this is one of those things you can not control. Choose to be healthy for yourself, whatever that is to you
Thank you for this message. As one who also lost a loved one to this disease, I think it is such an important message to send. We tend to believe that if we do not keep sheltering, we can lose them...We don't have that kind of power.
Thank you for your beautiful thoughts about Mike. I spent some quiet time walking in a lovely place and thought about the peace that Mike now feels. Hoping love and peace surround you as well during this difficult time.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
Add my thanks for sharing such a powerful message. I started reading it last night, but stopped because it made me start to cry.....losing anyone to addiction is just so sad & unnecessary. Posting here will give many the chance to remember/see what kind of damage addiction does and hopefully learn from it.
watching the clouds roll away
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: bliss
Posts: 87
Thank you all so much. I did not think I could find peace in anything right now when thinking about his death, but every one of you who posted something you were going to do in his memory, I just want you to know that each one of those soothed my heart. Truly.
I would like to respond to every post because they all are helping me, so much, you have no idea -- no one else can understand because in their eyes he was his death -- just an addict who overdosed --but to everyone here we understand that there are two things -- the addiction and the soul that has been covered up and those are two very different things.
My heart goes out to others who have posted in this thread who have lost someone due to addiction. It just doesn't feel like that was the way things were supposed to be, right? Thank you for sharing your strength.
I would like to respond to every post because they all are helping me, so much, you have no idea -- no one else can understand because in their eyes he was his death -- just an addict who overdosed --but to everyone here we understand that there are two things -- the addiction and the soul that has been covered up and those are two very different things.
My heart goes out to others who have posted in this thread who have lost someone due to addiction. It just doesn't feel like that was the way things were supposed to be, right? Thank you for sharing your strength.
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