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first time caught -- need friend support to keep strong

Old 09-29-2008, 09:17 AM
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first time caught -- need friend support to keep strong

Hi all!!

I havent been on for a while, and i think it is my way of living in sort of denial...when im on here it makes it all too real that my life is what it is.

Anyway, as many of you know, i have been dealing with my ah's substance abuse for years.....over 3 years now...maybe even longer...
yesterday was the first time i actually caught him in the act..I saw him about to do a line of coke in our downstairs bathroom.. I peeked in the window from outside when i was throwing out the trash..something told me to look in and there it was....
I told him I was done....I should have told him to get out then and there.
I told him he needs to get help...that he needs to just admit he has a problem and get help..he told me he wanted to finish up this last bit and work on his report for his job..his exucse for using is his job..its too demanding, too hard, too stressful, he cannot do the work..i told him then get a new job!!!! you have to get a new job....you would risk everything just to do your job?? it doesnt make sense?? what if you get caught? what if you end up with a stroke or heartattack...on and on and on.....
What i need from you all is the support to keep me strong...he is going to try to make me feel that he is not the only one with problems, that i am not good enough at mu job of taking care of the house and kids, that i should be so admiral of him and his generousity that i get to stay home.....
Also, i need to keep strong in my conviction that he needs to get help, or i cannot stay in this marriage..if i dont, i am saying what he did is acceptable to me....
my kids where just in the next room......

He started crying and i felt bad...i need to stop feeling bad for him and start taking care of me!!! and my kids!!

I really really need all of your support..i'm afraid im not going to be able to remain strong... i need to keep badgering him to get help..and if he doesnt, than i need to make a move...i need to get out of denial and into reality that his is just not going to get better and that i do not want to live this way anymore....

thanks for all your help..i dont know if i could do it without you!!!
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Old 09-29-2008, 09:22 AM
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Just wanted to add that i know that it is BS this "excuse" about his job. i know that a normal person would talk to their spouse so that they could have a plan if the other needed to find a new, less demanding job.
I was reading the book "Addictive thinking", and it seems that this is his mind validating that it is ok to use to get through your work....that it is just an excuse.....
So i guess he really thinks this, that he really does need the drugs to do his job and he sees no other way out----his mind is deceiving him.....
IS that true??? or does he know it is an excuse ?? he says that it is not pleasurable to him..that he "doesnt get high"..it makes him tense like drinking twelve cups of coffee---
that he needs this "edge" to do his job".....
but if its not pleasurable, why do it? why risk everything ?? it doesnt make sense to me--but to him i guess it does.......

??????????????????????

IF anyone understands this, or if you think im on the right track, could you just let me know??
thanks!!!
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Old 09-29-2008, 09:44 AM
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He may actually think he needs it for his job, but that is an illusion. Most A's will eventually lose the very job they think they are using for.

A's will keep using, even when it's not pleasurable any more, because that's what we do. I would smoke crack, get numb for a while, then feel horrible about what I had done, and smoke more to forget the bad feelings.

Badgering him to get help is not going to work if he doesn't WANT to get help. If he does it, just to please you, it won't last and he will have a major resentment toward you...and you will have one toward him.

My biggest concern is he is using, in the same house as your kids. You are putting yourself, and your kids, at a huge risk.

The first thing I would do is tell him he is not to use in the house, or around your kids, and be prepared for what your consequences to him will be if he does.

Try to keep your focus on you and the kids, and what you will, and won't, tolerate. If he isn't intersted in stopping, it's going to get a lot worse.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 09-29-2008, 09:48 AM
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Originally Posted by drainedwife View Post
So i guess he really thinks this, that he really does need the drugs to do his job and he sees no other way out----his mind is deceiving him.....
IS that true??? or does he know it is an excuse ?? he says that it is not pleasurable to him..that he "doesnt get high"..it makes him tense like drinking twelve cups of coffee---
that he needs this "edge" to do his job".....
but if its not pleasurable, why do it? why risk everything ?? it doesnt make sense to me--but to him i guess it does.......

As an addict, I used my job as an excuse to use, although at the time it was a REASON rather than an excuse. Yes his addict mind is deceiving him. It is a powerful thing, that mind of ours!

He probably uses more out of "necessity" now rather than pleasure.

Why risk everything? Because he is an addict and thats what we do.

I hid my use from my husband for almost 8 years. He would find my stuff, then I'd promise to quit (at first I thought I could) then I'd use again, then he'd find it again...it went on and on. An addict CANNOT quit for someone else, even his/her own family. It's sad, I know. An addict can only quit if the addict wants to be clean MORE than he/she wants to be high.

I am sorry you are going thru this. Please keep posting, your story sounds similar to mine.
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Old 09-29-2008, 09:57 AM
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Why are you reading the book “Addictive thinking”? Why are you putting so much time and energy into the whys of his addiction instead of the why’s of you and why you continue to tolerate this?

I know for me when I was waiting for insight, searching for answers it became an excuse to avoid me having to take any action. We can accept the reality of our situation because we haven’t figured out the rhyme and reason of it all. This is an illogical disease we may never fully comprehend it but we have an obligation to ourselves and our children to accept the reality of which we live and to act accordingly.

Your husband got caught plan and simply and he used any excuse at his disposal which this time happened to be work. And yes he’s going to flip the script on you and of course blame you, that’s what addicts do.

Your badgering him about getting help will only build his resentment towards you not force him to do something he doesn’t want to do. Your threats of leaving him mean nothing. You can’t manipulate or coerce someone into doing what you want them to do, it just leaves them resenting you more and more with each attempt.

He started crying and you felt bad, what about all the tears you shed due to his addiction, how bad does he feel?

I think you are on the right track when you stated “I haven’t been on for a while, and i think it is my way of living in sort of denial...when I’m on here it makes it all too real that my life is what it is.”


What happened to your plans of getting a job and continue counseling for yourself?
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Old 09-29-2008, 09:59 AM
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I meant to say we CAN'T accept the reality of our situation.
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Old 09-29-2008, 10:31 AM
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I have to say that in some ways i disagree with me badgering him not helping....it is making it harder for him to use..if i say nothing, it is justifying his use.....I feel that loved ones can do something and sometimes even though addicts do not want to get help, if pushed into it, once they are there, they may get it....Instead of me sitting here and waiting to see if he makes a move to get help..i can tell him that is what he needs to do in order to save the marriage, and if he doesnt than i HAVE TO keep true to my word....
He will end up resenting me?? Ya know what?? thats HIS problem...maybe one day he will see I was trying to help him....I dont care if he ends up resenting me---look at what everything he has done has done to me and my kids and our lives???? He has a choice--a choice to get help---all addicts have a choice.....sometimes they may need a push to get there.....there is more than one way to look at it--i know real people where the wife has told her husband to go get help, and he did and it worked. If it doesnt, well then i can at least say that i tried....

as for getting couseling..im still in therapy--never stopped....i also am going to be a substitute teacher until something more permanent comes along..but me getting a job isnt going to make me feel more independent...i had a full-time job for 2 years and it didnt help..i wasnt making nearly enough to support myself and the kids, and i never will be able to because i dont have the experience or the skills to get a decent paying job.
Especially the way the economy and job market is now...
I just came here for support so that i can stay focused and stay strong.....I beleive my ah needs a push into getting help...if he goes just to please me and if it doesnt last or work out, then again, i can at least say i tried....and on the other hand if he goes and it does work....well then wasnt the effort well worth it???
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Old 09-29-2008, 10:48 AM
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If you feel pushing him is what you need to do, then do it. YOU are the one living in the situation and you are the only one who can decide what is best for you, right now. Most of us had to try to do "everything possible", too.

I have to be honest, though. Almost all of the A's I've known who were forced into recovery did have the seeds of recovery planted, but it took many more tries before they ever "got it", if they ever did.

I truly hope he chooses recovery, but I would still be working on plan B if he doesn't.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 09-29-2008, 11:35 AM
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Drained

Impurrfect (as always ) has taken the words right out of my mouth! Much better words too.

You do need to do what you need to do for yourself. I want to add here, that in my experience, when I have compared my life, my marriage, my job, etc. to others around me that "looked" like they were in the same boat as me and then made decisions based on that comparison, it has usually bitten me in the rear. Most every time I thought I knew that the circumstances were exactly like mine, I learned later that there were key differences and that's why what they did or didn't do, or work or didn't work for them - but the opposite for me. I have learned to not compare anymore. Circumstances, personalities, etc. all make the difference.

(((hugs)))
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Old 09-29-2008, 12:24 PM
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Do what you feel you need to do like impurrfect says if pushing him is what you feel you must do then push away.

The people I know who have accepted their addiction and are in recovery are the ones who choose recovery for themselves. The ones who were pushed into recovery just didn’t get it because I believe their resentment got in the way.

You mentioned getting a job isn’t going to make you feel more independent, then what is going to make you feel more independent?
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Old 09-29-2008, 12:38 PM
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Good thing your kids didn't see that. But what about next time. I think you need to put your children ahead of YOUR NEED to take of your husband and your husbands NEED for help. The kids are your responsibility. Not your adult husband. He's a big boy. It's about time he took care of himself. If 3 years of trying to push him into recovery hasn't worked, well... how many more years are you going to keep trying to fix him. Maybe it's time to consider that he just doesn't want to be fixed. He just wants to use his drugs without you bugging him about it.
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Old 09-29-2008, 12:51 PM
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My biggest concern is he is using, in the same house as your kids. You are putting yourself, and your kids, at a huge risk.
I agree 5000% on this one, and in Florida, once Children Services takes your kids, and if they find drugs in the house they will, you will have a long long up hill fight and still may not get them back.

I have to say that in some ways i disagree with me badgering him not helping....it is making it harder for him to use..if i say nothing, it is justifying his use..
I can say that when this happened TO ME all I did was TUNE OUT the person doing it, and many of those I have worked with in Recovery these last 27 plus years have said the same.

NOTHING and I DO MEAN NOTHING you do will get him to quit.

You didn't CAUSE it,

You can't CONTROL it, and

You can't CURE it.

He is ADDICTED, and only when he reaches his own "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH" will he be ready to do something about it.

Please, concentrate on YOU and your children. Get counseling or try Alanon and/or Naranon, go to at least 6 meetings to decide if they can help you to

Figure out what YOU want
Learn how to set YOUR boundaries and stick to them
Get off the Roller coaster
Stop the dance
Get on with your life and your childrens.

Right now you have AN ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM and the elephant doesn't want to do anything but use.

Every time he opens his mouth to say anything it is QUACKING and he is trying to MANIPULATE you one more time.

Please keep posting, don't be a stranger, you know we care.

Love and hugs,
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Old 09-29-2008, 01:09 PM
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I wish he'd get caught at work. Im sure some coworkers know or suspect. He wouldnt lose his job, the NJ bar would require a recovery program. Much better than messing up a case and getting sued for malpractice first.

Believe me as an assistant whose worked for many high profile attorneys, we all figure out their vices.
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Old 09-29-2008, 01:33 PM
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Originally Posted by drainedwife View Post
... i need to keep badgering him to get help..
Perhaps you might consider getting out of the driver's seat (aka badgering) and let God take care of him?

The only thing badgering did for me when I was out there using was make me angrier than I already was, and resentful as hell.

It was only after everyone walked away, and I was face down in the dirt (figuratively speaking) that I finally did something with my life.
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Old 09-29-2008, 01:56 PM
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What I need is the courage and strength to do what i need to do. I know what that is, the trouble is having the courage to follow through with it. I know that this is a bad situation...i know that this is not getting better....i know that i cant help him if he doesnt want to be helped....

(by the way, my therapist who is very well versed in addcition has had many a client who has been pushed into recovery and after getting there, did decide to "work it"..)

THe other thing is I do not know how exactly to take care of me..truth be told...I am AFRAID of getting a full time job because I just dont think I am capable of handling it, especially with my circumstances....no support system, hving to parent myself, being depressed and feeling helpless in my situation....etc..Also, I am scared that I am not smart enough, or detail oriented enough or have it in me to do a good job...especially with what I am dealing with...my emotions get the best of me, not to mention my depression. I am also so exhausted all of the time and I am not working....it may partly be depression and exhaustion from worrying, but im afraid it may be a medical health issue, and not just a mental one....

I need the courage to move forward if he does not get help...I know I need to keep telling myself this is the only way....I have to go through with my threat of leaving the marriage if he does not get help...I just have to ....what choice do I have???? I have to think about my kids and be a good mom and protect them.....i have too....

Why am I so frightened...what will it take for me to gain the courage to go through with this??? I have no job, no means of support, no confidence...but i have my children and you are absolutly right that i have to put THEIR needs first...I just have to....what kind of mother am I if I don't????

We have been going in circles for over 3 years with the same BS conversations.....I have to get out of my denial and accept what is going on here as real and that it is not going away and I have to do something I cant sit here any longer and pretend.

Thanks for listening everyone....thank you----
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Old 09-29-2008, 02:48 PM
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I think for me it is more than just being scared to some degree...I had a full time job for almost two years that i just quit in June because I thought, (stupid me) things were ok with my ah.

With that job though, I feel that it was a very easy job, but I was full of stress because I had to work full time as well as take care of the kids and the household. Also, it is hard to get a job because of the economy right now, and I feel that I may be somewhat employable but I only have basic skills.....I cant qualify for much more than receptionist-or maybe admin assist. My goal is not to be self-suffificient because i think that would be an almost impossible feat for me...I cant make that kind of money and I dont have the capacity to go back to school and work at the same time.
Anyhow, I do appreciate the tips. I will google better budgeting and see what i can learn.

I guess alot of my fears lie with my childhood. I saw my mom stuggle to make ends meet when my dad left without paying a dime. I lived through being embarassed of where I lived and having less than all of my friends. I lived with having to go to high school half a day and working half a day because we needed the money. I didnt have anyone to guide me and help me improve my SAT scores so that maybe i could have gone to a better college. I didnt know about student loans, so i just went to where i could afford to go and pay my own way with some help with financial aid. I never wanted that for my kids...I want them to have a better life and childhood than i had..i feel like I am reliving it...I feel that I cant give my kids what they deserve...I dont want them to worry about money...I dont want them to be embarassed about where they live..I dont want them feeling sorry for themselves and not having opportunities that their friends will have.
But I guess that is life...I cannot control it...it is what it is...but it is just hard to take.
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Old 09-29-2008, 03:28 PM
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Originally Posted by drainedwife View Post
... i need to keep badgering him to get help..
Sorry but that is exactly what you do NOT need to do. What you need to do is:

Originally Posted by drainedwife View Post
... get out of denial and into reality that his is just not going to get better and that i do not want to live this way anymore....
Nothing is ever going to change for you until you start changing yourself and stop spending all your time and energy trying to change him.

I don't mean to be unkind, but I have been where you are and I did the same things you are doing. It simply will never work.

I'm sorry you are still in this mess. I learned the hard way that the only one who could get me out of my mess was me and to depend on a drug addict to do anything at all is simply useless.
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Old 09-29-2008, 03:44 PM
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drained wife,
I have just kicked out my son and it is so hard. I know that getting rid of a man whom you love can be hard, but you have to love yourself enough to do this. You deserve a life without turmoil, and your kids are experiencing the turmoil too. Just do it DW! I know it's scary, but I loved anvilhead's comparison was priceless. The first step is the hardest, the rest comes as we need it. You just need the strength to get through one step at a time.

I'm sorry if I sound impatient. I am also talking to myself. I have pussyfooted around with kicking my son out so many times. He stays gone for a while and then he weasles his way back. He may even back tonight. Your AH is a user, manipulator, liar. Sorry if i have offended you. You do what you can today.
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Old 09-29-2008, 03:56 PM
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you havent offended me..inone of you have...it is what i need to hear...

how do i work on myself so that i remain strong >??? How do I keep with the conviction that if he doesnt go for help, I have to get out....and mean it!!!

I just want to know how to be strong because that is not part of my charachter make-up...
Are there any good books out there I can read?? do i just keep talking to myself and telling myself I have to do this to protect myself and the kids..
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Old 09-29-2008, 04:41 PM
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Dear DW, I was a single parent of 2 young sons for 10yrs. I was 27 yrs old. I went back to school to get my RN & BS Degree. I used The Department of Social Services for help, until I graduated & didn't need them anymore. When you are a single parent, I found they bend over backwards to help you.
How old are your children?
I know it is really scary taking a big step like leaving your marriage, but if you have no other choice, I believe you can do it. You must have faith in yourself & in your HP that He will take care of you & give you the strength you need to do what you have to do.
Praying for you & your family,
Love,
Diane

Last edited by rozied; 09-29-2008 at 04:44 PM. Reason: grammar
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