first time caught -- need friend support to keep strong
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Your childhood insecurities and shame are keeping you and your children locked into a material world prison and your addict husband is the warden.
You may have grown up feeling shame about your home or your clothes or the college you couldn’t attend. How do you suppose your children are going to feel about you when they do discover their dad is an addict and their mom chose to stay for the material things?
Your codependency is similar to his addition with both of you in denial and staying stuck.
If you don’t have the courage to leave the material things behind for a more emotionally healthy life then find the courage to focus on you and your issues that are keeping you un-healthy.
Keep working with your therapist and like anvilhead said if this therapist isn’t helping get a new one.
You may have grown up feeling shame about your home or your clothes or the college you couldn’t attend. How do you suppose your children are going to feel about you when they do discover their dad is an addict and their mom chose to stay for the material things?
Your codependency is similar to his addition with both of you in denial and staying stuck.
If you don’t have the courage to leave the material things behind for a more emotionally healthy life then find the courage to focus on you and your issues that are keeping you un-healthy.
Keep working with your therapist and like anvilhead said if this therapist isn’t helping get a new one.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Originally Posted by drainedwife 
my kids where just in the next room......
If they were in danger of losing their lives, physically or emotionally, any other way, you'd fight to the death to save them, yes?
Save them, save yourself, and sort this out someplace away from him and the danger his having drugs in the house brings.
I'm sorry to sound harsh, I say this with only love in my heart for the poor innocent children who have no voice in any of this. Please let me be their voice and beg you to get them someplace safe.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
Drained.
Sorry to hear that you feel like a "really bad mom". Maybe it's time to start feeling better about that! You're trying to do the best for your children, and we all are shaped by our child-hoods. Just try to remember that your child-hood experience are not your children's, and also prioritize what is most important to you to pass on to your children.
Just because you change course, make different decisions based on new information that you've learned, etc., it doesn't make your past a mistake or wrong. Every day we are allowed to grow and change - spread our wings. As they say, all we can hope to do is the "next right thing". Progress not perfection!
Sorry to hear that you feel like a "really bad mom". Maybe it's time to start feeling better about that! You're trying to do the best for your children, and we all are shaped by our child-hoods. Just try to remember that your child-hood experience are not your children's, and also prioritize what is most important to you to pass on to your children.
Just because you change course, make different decisions based on new information that you've learned, etc., it doesn't make your past a mistake or wrong. Every day we are allowed to grow and change - spread our wings. As they say, all we can hope to do is the "next right thing". Progress not perfection!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
To Cowardly Lion:
"As for you my fine friend, you are a victim of disorganized thinking. You are under the unfortunate delusion that simply because you run away from danger, you have no courage." ~ THE WIZARD OF OZ
"So to feel brave, act as if we are brave, use all our will to that end,,,,, and courage will very likely replace fear. ~ JAMES WILLIAM
You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, "I've lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along." You must do the thing you think you cannot do. ~ ELEANOR ROOSEVELT
"As for you my fine friend, you are a victim of disorganized thinking. You are under the unfortunate delusion that simply because you run away from danger, you have no courage." ~ THE WIZARD OF OZ
"So to feel brave, act as if we are brave, use all our will to that end,,,,, and courage will very likely replace fear. ~ JAMES WILLIAM
You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, "I've lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along." You must do the thing you think you cannot do. ~ ELEANOR ROOSEVELT
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Des Moines, IA
Posts: 126
Drainedwife, I understand the way you feel.
There are programs out there that help single mothers re-educate so they can support themselves and kids.
I am a single mother for the 2nd time in my 47 yrs. The first time my sons were 2 and 5. I just kept putting one foot in front of the other. Did my kids have new clothes? No. Did my kids have the newest and bestest toys? No. But they did have a roof over their heads, food in the stomachs, and a life without drama from their A dad.
My second marriage ended after 13 yrs, he is a dry drunk, which means he isn't drinking but the abusive behavior was still there. It took my youngest who was 17 at the time, having panic and anxiety attacks to the point that he would pass out from his heart racing to fast. I thought that since my H wasn't drinking that it had to be something I was doing that was causing this until I went to my doctor about my son and she told me what was happening not only to him but me. I was worn down, depressed, and only a shell of my former self.
Last year when my youngest graduated from high school, I decided to quit my dead end job and go back to school to improve my earning power in the market place. It's not easy, I live on $500 a month and financial aid as does my son who is in college also. We don't have much but what we do have is much better than when I was married.
I have my self-esteem coming back, I have my self-confidence building slowly, and I know that where I am headed is alot better than where I came from. I believe that I can do this on my own without my xH, who said I wasn't smart enough. I believe I will make a better life for my kids by showing them that life isn't all about what material things you have but the spiritual and personal relationships you build by being kind to yourself and others. I believe that I am worthy of loving myself as God loves me and I deserve to live my life without drama caused by addiction or abusive behavior. I have taken the fear and self-doubt at spit it back at anyone who questions what path I am on. I have turned it around on them and will continue to do so with the help of my HP.
By abusive behavior I mean anything that causes me to doubt my sanity. Anything that is meant to belittle me in any way. Anything that takes away from allowing me to be happy and healthy without addiction.
Check your resources, check out the schools in your area, and above all else take care of you and leave him to take care of himself. Believe that God loves you as we do and will help you no matter what your decision is. We don't always know what his plan is for us but just know that he has one and pray that we are able to follow it.
Take care and know the my prayers go out to you and yours in this trying time.
Barb
There are programs out there that help single mothers re-educate so they can support themselves and kids.
I am a single mother for the 2nd time in my 47 yrs. The first time my sons were 2 and 5. I just kept putting one foot in front of the other. Did my kids have new clothes? No. Did my kids have the newest and bestest toys? No. But they did have a roof over their heads, food in the stomachs, and a life without drama from their A dad.
My second marriage ended after 13 yrs, he is a dry drunk, which means he isn't drinking but the abusive behavior was still there. It took my youngest who was 17 at the time, having panic and anxiety attacks to the point that he would pass out from his heart racing to fast. I thought that since my H wasn't drinking that it had to be something I was doing that was causing this until I went to my doctor about my son and she told me what was happening not only to him but me. I was worn down, depressed, and only a shell of my former self.
Last year when my youngest graduated from high school, I decided to quit my dead end job and go back to school to improve my earning power in the market place. It's not easy, I live on $500 a month and financial aid as does my son who is in college also. We don't have much but what we do have is much better than when I was married.
I have my self-esteem coming back, I have my self-confidence building slowly, and I know that where I am headed is alot better than where I came from. I believe that I can do this on my own without my xH, who said I wasn't smart enough. I believe I will make a better life for my kids by showing them that life isn't all about what material things you have but the spiritual and personal relationships you build by being kind to yourself and others. I believe that I am worthy of loving myself as God loves me and I deserve to live my life without drama caused by addiction or abusive behavior. I have taken the fear and self-doubt at spit it back at anyone who questions what path I am on. I have turned it around on them and will continue to do so with the help of my HP.
By abusive behavior I mean anything that causes me to doubt my sanity. Anything that is meant to belittle me in any way. Anything that takes away from allowing me to be happy and healthy without addiction.
Check your resources, check out the schools in your area, and above all else take care of you and leave him to take care of himself. Believe that God loves you as we do and will help you no matter what your decision is. We don't always know what his plan is for us but just know that he has one and pray that we are able to follow it.
Take care and know the my prayers go out to you and yours in this trying time.
Barb
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I believe I will make a better life for my kids by showing them that life isn't all about what material things you have but the spiritual and personal relationships you build by being kind to yourself and others. I believe that I am worthy of loving myself as God loves me and I deserve to live my life without drama caused by addiction or abusive behavior. I have taken the fear and self-doubt at spit it back at anyone who questions what path I am on. I have turned it around on them and will continue to do so with the help of my HP.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Drained...
I know its scary. I've been in a very similar place before. So many things helped me...prayers...the support and love of friends and family...the wonderful advice that I received from this SR family from people who understood what I was going thru...the love of my son...but I have to say the most important thing I did was I stopped making decisions in my life that were aimed at making my exah get clean...I got really selfish...and one decision at a time, my life began to improve.
Its a scary walk but you only have to take one step at a time. What ONE thing can you do to improve YOUR situation today? It doesn't ahve to be big...start small and work your way up to the big stuff...with each small decision or step in the right direction you gain courage and strength so that the big,scary steps dont' seem so bad once you get to them.
I know its scary. I've been in a very similar place before. So many things helped me...prayers...the support and love of friends and family...the wonderful advice that I received from this SR family from people who understood what I was going thru...the love of my son...but I have to say the most important thing I did was I stopped making decisions in my life that were aimed at making my exah get clean...I got really selfish...and one decision at a time, my life began to improve.
Its a scary walk but you only have to take one step at a time. What ONE thing can you do to improve YOUR situation today? It doesn't ahve to be big...start small and work your way up to the big stuff...with each small decision or step in the right direction you gain courage and strength so that the big,scary steps dont' seem so bad once you get to them.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Anvil and the others are sooo right. Make it about you. What do you want? You will know what to do when the pain of staying is worse than the pain of going. Be true to you. It is scarey as **ll... but you survive. I did it... I have good days and bad days, but there is not one day that goes by where I miss the addiction and all the hearache that came from him using and not being there for me.
Stay strong, you are healthy and you are wise. Dig deep and move forward for you !!!!!
Stay strong, you are healthy and you are wise. Dig deep and move forward for you !!!!!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
(((DW)))
They say this disease is cunning and baffling. Part of that, I think, is the way we loved ones stick around hoping and praying, while our own sanity slips away.
Not to be harsh, but what if the reasons were different? What if he was abusive toward your kids? What if you had caught him with another woman instead of drugs? Would you leave?
And if so, what would the "plan" be? Same plan for different reasons. YOU are important too.
They say this disease is cunning and baffling. Part of that, I think, is the way we loved ones stick around hoping and praying, while our own sanity slips away.
Not to be harsh, but what if the reasons were different? What if he was abusive toward your kids? What if you had caught him with another woman instead of drugs? Would you leave?
And if so, what would the "plan" be? Same plan for different reasons. YOU are important too.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: NJ
Posts: 702
((((((DW)))))))
I too had no self esteem and never felt good enough to do anything, that is in part to my family putting me down and than putting up with it for 15 years with my ex. When we separated I was so scared that I could not do anything. Well today I have my self esteem for the first time in my life. You can do anything you put your mind to.
Good luck
I too had no self esteem and never felt good enough to do anything, that is in part to my family putting me down and than putting up with it for 15 years with my ex. When we separated I was so scared that I could not do anything. Well today I have my self esteem for the first time in my life. You can do anything you put your mind to.
Good luck
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jacksonville, florida
Posts: 341
thanks to everyone!! you are awesome!!!!
I actually found a womens center, not too far from me, where theyprovide support groups, legal advise, career direction, etc...I am going to start with them and i am hoping they can guide me in the right direction and I will find the support I need to do what I know I need to do..
The one thing that sucks though???? My ah will always be the father of my children, and it is really sad that they have to have a dad who uses drugs ---- i know there is nothing i can do about it, but it just isnt fair to them. They are the innocent ones, and they love their dad...too bad he cant see what all of this is doing to them.
I actually found a womens center, not too far from me, where theyprovide support groups, legal advise, career direction, etc...I am going to start with them and i am hoping they can guide me in the right direction and I will find the support I need to do what I know I need to do..
The one thing that sucks though???? My ah will always be the father of my children, and it is really sad that they have to have a dad who uses drugs ---- i know there is nothing i can do about it, but it just isnt fair to them. They are the innocent ones, and they love their dad...too bad he cant see what all of this is doing to them.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
My ah will always be the father of my children,
Lots of kids grow up with one screwed up parent. It's just the way things are in this world.
They will always love their dad. But you will be the influential parent, the one that helps them achieve a healthy maturity and not be screwed up by the love they have for their dad.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
