krhea75

My AS has been living with me, going to community college and working fast food. Still hanging out with old friends, but being congenial with no signs of obvious using. I was so hoping....get him into an educational environment, away from the potheads, but it didn't happen. I woke up Friday morning to find a half empty pint bottle of malt liquor beside the couch in my living room. He was so drunk that he didn't even know where he left the bottle. I woke him up before I went to work, told him what I found, said pack your stuff, you're out of here. He started to plead, apologize,etc. I said just do it and I left. I came home from work and packed his stuff up (since he didn't do it) set it out front of my house and left for the evening. I am so susceptible to his whinings. It is better for me not to hear it.

I didn't give him a ride home from work. I figured one of his user friends could do that. I went and sat in a cemetery for a while just breathing, no tears, just acknowledgement of this is where he is heading. Then i went to my boyfriend's house for the evening. My son kept calling me, and I ignored the calls. I came home and went to bed. He began ringing the doorbell at 12:30. I didn't answer. He knocked on the windows, he begged and apologized. I didn't give in.

This morning he was at my door at 8:30 claiming he had to get his stuff for work. I let him in and he began harassing me immediately. I wouldn't give him a ride to work. He's just drunk that money away. He tried to lift me out of my chair, grabbed the laptop from me. Cried, begged, etc. He finally took off walking for work, he was about an hour late.

I don't care if he loses that job. He has nothing to show for it after 6 months except he's paid some of his court fees.

When he was in rehab, they showed us the film Basketball diaries where the mom had to shut the door on her addicted son. I know they showed that more for the parents than the kids. The kids don't get it. I'm starting to think he will never get it. He screamed at me before he left, if I live with my friends I will die. He knows this is my biggest fear. He will not die. He will just have to get himself to work since he lost his license. He will just have to do his own laundry. He will not die.

Freedom1990

I am so sorry, and I know how much that hurts.

After I made my oldest AD leave, I changed the locks.

Have faith that God does have a plan for your AS. :ghug2

greeteachday

Khrea, I'm so sorry - it's so hard when immediate hopes are dashed. Please don't believe he will never get it - He is young and just really has to learn that he is not invincible and he can not do whatever he wants without consequence. As difficutl as it is for you, you are truly doing the most loving thing possible by taking this stance. There is not a recovering addict I know working a program who says the worst thing that happened is my parents threw me out. They all, every last one of them, say the best thing for me was when my parents stopped protecting me and made me stand on my own two feet. They saved my life.
Many hugs and lots of prayers for both of you.

marle

I, too, thought that if I was not in my daughter's life that she would die. She did live in some horrible places (including a crack hotel in the worst part of Saginaw), did some horrible things and associated with some horrible people. Her addiction did get so much worse before she decided that she wanted something better for her life. I am not saying that she will not relapse, I am only saying that it is not in my control anymore. She has a HP and so does your son. When he has to take responsibility for his choices, maybe he will start making better ones. You know it does not work with him living with you. Sending hugs and prayers because I know that it hurts to see them hurting themselves. Hugs, Marle

itisatruth

(((krheah75))) Sending virtual hugs your way. I know it must have been hard to stand your ground, but you did it for all the right reasons. What Greet said is so true....I also know addicts that say they were able to "get it" on their own only after no one else would bail them out anymore. A parent's job is to sometimes make the tough decisions the kids can't always make for themselves; this is true when they are still children, but applies to our adult addicts as well IMO.

Please stay safe and take good care of yourself.

mooselips

krhea75,
Darn it's sad what these young people do...hugs to you, I know how it plays over and over in our head.

Perhaps some lightbulb will go off in his brain, that he HAS to get himself sober, and begin his life.

This may be the best gift he could have received. Reality.


There's ALWAYS hope.

krhea75

Thanks all, I laid down to take a nap after the chaotic mess. It always exhausts me. I feel a lot better now. I have set his bag outside again with all his clothes, and I am going to see a play this afternoon. I really feel like curling up in a corner, but I am forcing myself to get out of here. No more arguing, no more verbal sparing, no more. It is what it is, and I need to stop being there for him. You all have helped me so much. Thanks.
krhea

Done_With_It

Good Job on going to the Play and getting out.
Best thing I've learned in the midst of pain is to
get outside of myself, my head and just live.

but I am also sorry you are going through this.... :ghug3

Ann

Krhea, if our love could save them, not one of us would be here. This is something I have to remind myself of over and over.

I learned with my son that walking into hell with them cannot save them either and, once there, we each have to find our own way out.

You did the right thing, I think you already know that. Still hurts and is a hard thing to do, but in the end it's the best thing you could ever do for him or for yourself.

Mama's should never have to sit in the front row seat to watch the drama of their child's addiction.

Hugs from my heart to yours

krhea75

I am doing much better tonight. My boyfriend and I got out of town for a while, shopped, ate dinner. My son called after working a double shift. I gave him a ride to my house to get his stuff and take a shower. He is gone now. No arguing, really no talking. I'm not sure if he still thinks I'm serious. I have come up to this line in the sand so many times. He has no money (spent it all on booze) no where to go. Yes, I am starting to feel sorry for him. I am okay, though. I know it will save him. thanks again for words of encouragement.

rozied

Dear Krhea, Stay Strong & HARD,
I have been coming to SR for quite some time now & I have noticed the kids that make it have parents that are very firm about their stance on drugs & alcohol.
My own son will be 42 Sept 30th & the only reason his addiction has lasted so long ( 20yrs ) is that my own parents would NOT listen to me & kept enabling him.
So hang tough,
Love,
Diane

baxter

Sounds like your doing okay. I know I could stand my ground a lot better when my AD and I were in the midst of a heated argument. When she would get calm and seem to be accepting is when I let my guard down and would think "she finally gets it!" and then cave. Little did I know how much she knew this.

Stand strong and it sounds like you doing the right thing.

grateful2b

(((((Krhea))))),
glad you are feeling better..and what a good job on standing firm..can't say it better than Ann did...
but it has been my experience as well...my heart is with you, stay strong,
prayers and Grateful

hope213

i am sorry about your son. we all have such hope for our children for them to let us down, most of all let themselves down. you are doing the right thing. i wish i had recovery in my life enough yrs. ago i could have let my son fall with out him doing so much time in prison. you set your boundries, stick to them. prayers for you both.

beegee

Krhea,
I can only emagin your frustration and disapointment in finding that bottle next to the couch. But you did what they say to do stand tall and be strong and don't enable. It is so easy to say but we all know how hard it is to do. (((Kudos)))) to you for being able to do the right thing.
Don't let him break you down, he can surrvive and he will and then you will be there knowing you both made the right choices. Prayers for you and hugs!

Impurrfect

(((Krhea)))

I'm so proud of you!! I can only imagine how hard this is for you, but you are truly letting him find his own way.

And just to remind you...I'm one of those addicts who is in recovery because the people who love me would not enable me. I can't imagine how hard it was for my dad to know that I was sleeping in empty apts. (when I slept) and walking the streets all the time. But he did it.

I will forever be grateful to him and my stepmom for letting me fall hard. I wouldn't be here if they hadn't.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

sistergldnhair

I'm sending prayers for you. My AS just entered rehab and this is my worst fear, that I might someday have to tell him that he cannot live here anymore. That was going to be my ultimatum to get him to rehab but he went before I had to say it. I know how hard this must be for you so I am praying that you can stay strong. Hopefully this might be what he needs for him to "get it".

littlebird77

I truly envy your strength... I wish I could just get even a little of it.

krhea75

Hey gang,

Last night I thought I had made it through the night. No crying at my window, or ringing the doorbell all night. I walked back to his bedroom because the door was closed. He had gotten in there over night. I feel so frustrated and angry. I went to church, went to my mom's for the afternoon and then went to a church dinner this evening. running from my responsibility. What will I do now? He was here all day. He told me that he would start going to AA, I told him those were just words. I don't know whether to lock the window again. If I don't, he will not take me seriously. If I do, I won't sleep tonight because of his harrassing. And I have to work tomorrow.

I am so weary. So weary of this whole thing. Help...
Krhea

Spiritual Seeker

krhea75, You are sucked into the addiction vortex.
I feel for you as I've walked in your shoes.
It does seem like you must enforce the rules you set, the boundary you set and the decisions you made.
Can your boyfriend help you enforce keeping your son out by staying at your house for
a few nights?
At some point All moms feel if we don't stay attached our addict could die. But that course will play out with or without us.
Wishing you the continual strength, courage, and wisdom to do the next right thing.