rozied

Joey called me twice yesterday. He & I spoke about alot of things including his addiction. He told me he has been clean a year now ( he said he could have gotten coke in jail & it was readily available in Wk Release ) but then he went on to say that the only vice he ever had was coke & he enjoyed it very much & it aggravated him so that he couldn't use occasionally like most people. He also said he knows he cannot use because he is under supervision, but that doesn't change the fact that he said he would like to. I said Joey I cannot understand how you could even think like this after all you have lost because of it, and how it messed up your life. He said I know I cannot ever let it interfere with my life again.
To me this is warped thinking. If he thinks like this the first time he is not under supervision will he use & then lose control like he has done for the last 20yrs???
He has my head reeling!
GRRRR!!!

HopeandPrayer

I don't understand them either. My son tells me the same thing about when he was using. I think they only remember what they think was the "fun" they had and not the all the problems that came with using. I too worry that mine will fall again but since I am not an addict to drugs or alcohol, I am addicted to my son and realize how easy it would be for me to fall back into those habits that kept him from taking steps on his own to stay clean. It is now 135 days, and I continue to wait for the other shoe to drop, as they say, while praying that God continues to grace him with sobreity. I know that it is the only thing I can do other than continue to pray for my own strenghth and enlightenment.

My heart goes out to you and I am praying for you and your son.
Barb

marle

My daughter has told me similar things about heroin. But I don't believe that it will necessarily make them use again. I think it is more about grief. My daughter grieves not being able to be like other people who can occasionally go out and party but not have the negative consequences that using has brought to her. She says that she will not use again but that does not mean she does not miss the relief that using had brought her in the past. I know it is hard to understand, but I don't think that we "normies" are meant to understand it. It is what it is and we can't change that, but we can accept it. Hugs, Marle

freshstart

Many people have to go throuhg a sort of "forced sobriety". Just because they are under supervision though doesn't mean they will go back out as soon as that is dropped. For some it takes that amount of forced sobriety for the fog to clear, their thinking to come back to them and most importantly to see how sober life is possible and it can be good. that was the hardest part for me. you can't tell an addict that it will be worth it. they have to see it. some evidence that it can be ok again if it ever was and lots of times that happens right in the middle of that forced sobriety. of course the addict knows what will happen if he or she goes back out. of course we do. we may minimize it in our heads, rationalize it, whatever but we do know deep down what will happen. that's part of our disease. that's why step one is so important. "we addmitted to ourselves that we were powerless over ________ and that our lives had become unmanageable". once truely admit. we know that we know that we know that we can never take that first drink or drug because it absolutely has more power than we do then we can begin to heal. your son is where he is right now and i hope it's just part of his recovery. i'm grateful that for now he's not giving in and he can still see how it would harm him. if he stays that way for a while and surrounds himself with others in recovery hopefully he will begin to grow. he is where he is. i thank God for my time in jail. Without that "forced sobriety" right now i'd be dead or even worse i'd wish i was. prayers for you and your son. thanks for letting me share.

V

greeteachday

One of the things I had to admit powerlessness over too was trying to comprehend addict thinking...or really any thinking that I didn't agree with. I realized it was part of my "control issues" lol. It helped me sometimes to think about some of the things I have done despite knowing better. (like smoking or eating sugary foods...yup, I knew it wasn't healthy and could have negative consequences, but was it enough to stop me? When I stopped, did I still think about it and wish for it? Did I stay stopped?) I know it isn't exactly the same, but it did help me to realize we all have to figure out our own journey and sometimes there are lessons our HP provide that are not obvious. Hugs

baxter

My husband quit smoking 10 years ago when he had heart surgery. I'm working on it. One thing he has often said is he has never lost the desire to light one up and some days are harder to fight than others. He loves the smell of smoke and almost all the ex-smokers I've talked to say it can be a daily battle sometimes no matter how long they have been off them, and I don't think they ever plan on starting again, the desire is just still there. Food addictions can be the same. I can't see where any addiction would be any different.

Impurrfect

(((Rozied)))

Great comments above. I particularly agree with Marle. I had to go through a grieving process that I couldn't use crack occasionally. It was all or nothing for me. I still have the occasional thought that it sure would be nice to just smoke into oblivion for a while. It's just a thought, though, and I don't act on it.

I also agree that this is a process we have to go through. I was several months into recovery before I gave up the idea that I could use again, every now and then. I finally started remembering the BAD that went with using, rather than thinking about the "good".

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

rozied

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. Thank you V for telling me how it 3 was for you. I love my son with all my heart & want to understand. I don't want to be throwing up his past or saying things to him that help him feel bad about himself.
I KNOW he feels bad enough about what has happened himself.
All I want to do is love him & help him without hurting myself.
Thank you one & all for sharing.

Done_With_It

Sounds pretty normal to me. I LOVED my crystal meth. It made me feel normal. What surprises me is that people don't understand that, lol.
Giving it up felt like a death, I had to grieve it like a person and I never thought I would feel "good or normal" again.
There are times I wish I could feel that good agåin, not have to feel things, deal with certain things that I still think about, of course, who wouldn't want a break from reality like that. It was the best feeling in the world.


But You just grow up, We change, We get better. Just because we want something doesn't mean we get to go out and do it. I had no idea what I was getting myself into or that I would like meth so much that first line. 30 seconds later I had a new life.
We can't always change the thoughts we have that pop in our head, whether we act on them is a different story.
If we didn't have those "thoughts" we probably never would have gotten addicted in the first place.

I would try not to reel, and just be. It is what it is.

That's just my take on it anywho.. :ghug

rozied

Thank you for sharing Done. You are right. After reading all the answers to my post, I can see it & I do understand. He is grieving the loss of like an old friend that helped him cope with things in the past.
So far he is making the choice not to use. Everytime he makes that choice I will be grateful, one day at a time.
He was being honest with me.

Done_With_It

oh, lol, I didn't read the posts before mine, I'm tired today....

I think it is great that you are trying to understand though.
For so long we didn't even talk to me about my issues,
this last week, we had a talk about when I "was in trouble"
and I brought up how close to suicide I was, only because she was
talking about her brothers suicide (which we never do)..
It was weird but it was cool to be able to talk to her even just a little
bit (now that I'm better) just about how it was for me then.
(and how much she helped me)....

So anyway, I think it's great that you guys can talk like that.
It's hard to be able to open up to your parents like that, one
of the hardest things for me to do.
You never want to expose your weaknesses to your rents
like that, or I don't anyway..


You should feel really good that he can do that... *Nods* 8

rozied

Thank you so much Done. As parents it is hard not to say anything negative. I DON'T want to hurt him, all I want to do is love him. My heart just breaks at all the things he has put himself through for a drug. Now I just want to be there for him & to be supportive. He has a hard road ahead of him. All I ever wanted was to help him
Thank you again Done.
Love & Hugs,
Diane

splendra

I have known a lot of people who use drugs but, I don't know of anyone who can use cocaine or heroin just occasionally. As for being able to occasionally party that is a lie they tell themselves to get started again.

I am sure it is confusing. I am confused just trying to write a reply to this thread. I used to use meth amp. I have thought about how I felt while high many times since getting clean. I don't feel like I am missing anything and I have never been close to trying to purchase some.

Hopefully as time goes on thoughts of using will fade for your son and he won't envy people who can use occasionally or try to plot it out for himself.

rozied

Thanks Slendra, I tend to kind of agree with you. This drug has caused him & the whole family so much misery it is hard to understand why he would be missing it.
As far as I know he is going to be in Wk Release until Nov 09 & he is being supervised. He has been clean a yr next month & with the added time of Wk Release I am hoping by the time he is free he won't think like this anymore.

Spiritual Seeker

Us "normies" can't understand addictive thinking and behavior.

I just read a new 2008 memoir that I checked out from the library:
' The Night of the Gun ' by David Carr who a recovering addict.

sleepygoat

You have no idea how many times I lament the fact that i can't use anymore, that I can't just get high and 'float' for a while; that I can't have a drink or two in a restaurant; that I can't take a sleeping pill for insomnia (though i would deliberately stay awake then, to enjoy the effect, and then go back and take 2 or 3 more, for more effect, and then maybe have a few beers on top of the pills, and then...!!), and so on. I'm an addict and I loved getting high. I have to "think it through" each time I get feelings like this. I have to remember what I have to lose and so far, for 4 1/2 years, I have thought it thru and not used. this doesn't mean your son will not use, or that I will not use ever again. Some addicts I know (quite a few in fact) in recovery do NOT think about using very often. some do not remember great times or good feelings. Sometimes when the surrender is very deep, an addict remembers the awful times first! I ENVY those guys because they don't have to work all that hard at staying clean (though they still need to work on recovery).

regardless, though, its HIS addiction, his life, his choices to make. You can't convince him of anything. It's a very tricky, miserable, frustrating disease and there are no guarantees. Best thing to do is hope for the best, but be realistic, and take care of You.

rozied

Thanks Sleepygoat, It is important to remember it is a disease. Like any other disease there is no rhyme or reason to it.

hello-kitty

yes yes yes. this is stinking thinking and I'd be very wary of believing that anyone who has this kind of thinking will stay clean for very long.

that's why addicts who recover stay in the moment and live "one day at a time". We don't have to feel worried that we need to stay clean for the rest of our lives. We only have to stay clean right now. And everything else will work itself out.

rozied

Thank you Hello-Kitty. Every day my son is clean I am thankful for. Noone knows the future or can make the promise they will never use again. ( they would be lying if they did ) You just have to take it one day at a time.