bren8854

My son is in rehab (#7) in So. Cal. He has been there since 7/11. He has used three times while in treatment and they have moved him back a step each time. He called tonight and said they were going to drug test him and he said he would fail. They asked if he could get a ride somewhere. He had a friend pick him up. This is a friend he met there that is truly working the program. The other boy is in the treatment centers sober living house. Michael has been calling his father and me and said he has to have a hotel room for tonight and will get a sober living house. Of course, just like everyone else my story is a novel so I won't go in to all of it right now because I'm in a crisis situation. He is begging us to get him a hotel room for one night and he'll find a sober living house tomorrow. We are so totally frustrated (more wasted money). I told him I would talk to his dad and call him back. I've turned off both my phones. Is this the right thing to do to leave him on the streets for tonight. By the way, his father is going in for major surgery tomorrow morning at 5:30 a.m. He will start calling me again tomorrow. As I said he has been in 8 rehas and just isn't trying. We told him we were done supporting his drug use only his recovery. Because we've backed down so many times before I know he thinks we will get him a hotel room for one night. Do I leave him on the streets in Orange County? This is would be a shock to his system but could backfire on us and be very dangerous. I'm crying here knowing he is calling me and my phone is turned off. Please help with advice.

helpus

Boy that's a tough one. If you said you wouldn't help him then he needs to find his own way. Does a rehab actually put someone on the streets is they have nowhere to go? If he was truley working the program & this is all he needs that might be one thing. Do what feel right to you. Hope the surgery goes well for his father.

marle

First of all, I am sorry that you are going through this. I know it must break your heart. My daughter is my addict and I, like you, am willing to support her recovery, but not her using. Addicts are very good at getting their needs met and are very resourceful. After all, he managed to use three times while he was in treatment. Did he need your help to find the drugs? You say that he has been to rehab 8 times and you have helped him with those. I believe that now is the time to maybe try something different since it sure is not helping him the way things are now. I can't tell you not to give him money for a hotel. That is your decision and you will do what feels right for you. Sending prayers that he goes to the sober living facility. As hard as it is to accept, it really is up to him. Hugs, Marle

katie44

Mother of a 21 AS 5 rehab centres. He was kicked out of the last one same story he knew he was going to be drug tested and failed. We rented him a hotel room for 5 days and bought him food. We too have spent thousands and thousands of dollars on his recovery each time failing or using while in rehab. While he was in a motel room my spouse cancelled minor surgery. They certainly have a way of making us feel guilty. We kept backing down and enabling over and over. No one can tell you what to do, but I do know it is up to them. If we keep picking up the pieces even small pieces, they have no reason to pick themselves up. We are still learning to detach and its very difficult. Prayers and Hugs to you and your family.

Jody Hepler

California has all kinds of great state - and not for profit - places for addicts that really want help. Plus the Salvation Army - homeless missions - 24 hour places. Sound fishy to me.

When I finally said no and meant it - before I would say no and what that really meant is just keep asking, keep begging, make me feel guilty, keep calling - and I would give in - he figured out something else to do.

I was taught that if they can find drugs - they can find recovery. Addicts are the most resourceful folks in the world - mine kept me jumping for years!

It's tough - but you can do it.

Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler

P.S. If you need more support, go to a F2F Alanon or Naranon meeting. Those folks will be able to tell your story a hundred times over. And what worked for them.

Hangin' In

Like Jody said, there are homeless shelters he can sleep in. Funny how resourceful these addicted ones are when they want to find what THEY want. But when they want US to do something for them (which translates ENABLE), they just become so needy and helpless.

I've been taught that when I, (the mama of an AD), fix things for her, I am actually cheating her of the opportunity to learn what she needs to learn so she CAN become the responsible, independent person I always wanted her to be. When I FINALLY got that through my head, I could tell her, "Sorry, honey, but I just don't think that's in your best interest." And hang up...quickly! And if they call back, don't answer. They WILL figure out something. And the sooner we let them, the sooner they will learn.

Hugs because I know how hard this is,

Hangin' In

neecey1224

I sure wish my mother-in-law would get this through her head. I can set and enforce boundaries until my face turns blue, but he won't learn anything until she learns to tell him "no". So frustrating.

Stubborn1

Pick up your phone and answer. Tell him "I just wanted to let you know I love you with all of my life but we will not help you. If and when you become sober I would love to talk to you but it will not be about money or help"
This way you have said what needs to be said. He will know without a shadow of a doubt you mean business and the next time he calls he will know he is not going to get anything.
Stay strong!!!
He will be just fine. If you want to help him then google Orange County Salvation Army and give him the number or the numbers to a few shelters. No enabling Mrs.

Impurrfect

(((Bren)))

I'm sorry you are going through this.

I am a recovering addict. Until I was forced to face my consequences, I never even THOUGHT about recovery.

We addicts are very resourceful, and can always find a place to go. I think he is just manipulating you by saying he would get in a sober-living place after one day. He didn't stay clean in rehab, which is much more structured, I seriously doubt he would stay clean in a sober living place.

None of us can tell you what to do. I can only tell you that when my family let me fall on my face and figure out how to pick myself back up, it was the most loving (and hard) thing they could have done, and I now have over 18 months of recovery.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

hope213

you need to be focusing on your self & your husband. i am sorry your son is doing this to you. i can not tell you what to to do but if it would ease your mind any maybe you could put a room on your credit card instead of giving cash. after that turn your phone off & do not answer it. you do not need HIS problems now. i hope your husband will be ok. prayers for you all,

mooselips

Hugs to you...
IMHO, you are doing the right thing.
Stay with the feeling in your gut.

outtolunch

I am another who suggests letting his choices be his consequences.

Just curious who he thinks will pay for Sober Living and what happens when they test him, there?

splendra

I think if someone can get dope in a rehab treatment center that they are surely resourceful enough to find a place to stay for one night....

Please don't spend one more cent on his using...