hello
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 11
hello
Hi! Ive been writing on a different thread and alot of the people told me i should maybe type something on here because there are good people that can help me through this. so here is my story...5 years ago I started dating my best friend of the last 18 years...we went through our ups and downs broke up and he found crack...well he has been on and off it for the last 2 years a 3 day detox...a 3 month trip to tennessee to get away and finally right now he is 13 days into a 6 month rehab program. The problem is im not dealing very well and neither is he...He left the program yest. showed up at my house only to leave an hour later to go back...We have 2 kids they are not his biologically but they are his...I know this is the best thing for him I truely do understand that I just dont know how to get over the fact that I am heartbroken. The 21 day blackout period is a joke...i went to a family picnic and had a childrens visit with him last Sat. and most likely this Sat. its just hard to not be able to tell the person you love and the person that u want to stick behind through everything that you are here for them...Just wondering if there was anyone else in my position and how are you dealing with it or if anyone has been through this how did you deal with it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hi LuvsHIM. I'm so glad you posted. I think you might be a little naive to what crack does to a persons soul. It is the hardest drug to kick. It gets in your brain and never ever ever leaves it. Your neuropath ways get short circuited so that with any stress, any trigger your mind instantly thinks of smoking crack. Treatment gives you the tools and the time to redirect those thoughts to healthy outlets. But the desire for crack still remains. For a long long time after you quit using. Some people never recover. I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news... but it's true.
I am so relieved to hear that he went back to treatment after leaving. PLEASE PLEASE give him the space to focus entirely on his treatment for his addiction. If he doesn't crack will destroy him and he will end up in jail for years or dead for eternity.
That's a mighty long time compared to 21 days. And a lot harder to explain to the children.
This is the time for you to focus on yourself and the children. Maybe read a book about how addiction affects the loved ones of addicts (codependent no more by melanie beattie). Maybe go to a recovery meeting (alanon, naranon, coda). Maybe talk to your kids about how drugs are evil and how their "father" loves them but is sick right now and trying to get better.
There is so much you can be doing right now for yourself. And 21 days isn't near enough time to be honest. Recovery takes a life time of commitment.
Your boyfriend is going to have to focus for the rest of his life on how not to use crack. It's very very hard when we first get into recovery. After a few years it gets better, if an addict makes it that long.
So please take time to read around this site and learn from the people here.
And again, I am so glad for your BF that he went back to treatment. That's rare. Usually they leave treatment and go straight out to the dope dealer. Families be damned.
I am so relieved to hear that he went back to treatment after leaving. PLEASE PLEASE give him the space to focus entirely on his treatment for his addiction. If he doesn't crack will destroy him and he will end up in jail for years or dead for eternity.
That's a mighty long time compared to 21 days. And a lot harder to explain to the children.
This is the time for you to focus on yourself and the children. Maybe read a book about how addiction affects the loved ones of addicts (codependent no more by melanie beattie). Maybe go to a recovery meeting (alanon, naranon, coda). Maybe talk to your kids about how drugs are evil and how their "father" loves them but is sick right now and trying to get better.
There is so much you can be doing right now for yourself. And 21 days isn't near enough time to be honest. Recovery takes a life time of commitment.
Your boyfriend is going to have to focus for the rest of his life on how not to use crack. It's very very hard when we first get into recovery. After a few years it gets better, if an addict makes it that long.
So please take time to read around this site and learn from the people here.
And again, I am so glad for your BF that he went back to treatment. That's rare. Usually they leave treatment and go straight out to the dope dealer. Families be damned.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 11
Thanks so much...I may be naive but I have read alot and at this point in time its very hard for me. 21 days is only the blackout period he will be in his treatment for 3-6 months and then we spoke of doing outpatient and family counseling when he does get out. I know its gonna be a long hard road ahead and Im glad he is doing what he is doing...I just am not coping right...I need to come on here so I know people support me. I plan on sticking with him, I wouldnt leave him for anything...I just need to learn...I looked into meetings for myself but there are none around my area and I do not drive so its impossible to get to one. My kids are tough my one is too young to understand exactly what is going on but he knows that he loves him and that he is doing this to better his life and in turn ours...my older one totally understands...I will get through the heartache I know I will...its just takes time and seeing him yesterday was like a kick to the stomach...the wanting was back...just to be gone in an hour...so maybe in a week or 2 i will be back to doing good...to thinking about the future and not the present and to think about how good it will be when he is ready to lead a sober life...Thanks so much Again!! as soon as he does get out Im signing him up for this site because everyone is so great
turning red!
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: hong kong
Posts: 254
Hi Luvshim,
I understand the struggling feeling in between being happy (and Sooooo relieved) that our loved one is in rehab taking care of getting better, and the feeling of loneliness as he is not here with us.
At the end of the day i guess we all agree that him being in rehab is far better than him being around and still using. Yet it doesn't change the fact that sometimes it's difficult.
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 8 years and he's been using heroin on/off since then (and beyond). We just had a baby daughter together, she is now 4 months, and he's been in rehab for 3 months. It's hard but actually easier now than at the beginning. Just keep yourself busy.
You're lucky enough you can see him every week, i can only see my bf once per month and only under supervision!
take care of yourself.
Carine
I understand the struggling feeling in between being happy (and Sooooo relieved) that our loved one is in rehab taking care of getting better, and the feeling of loneliness as he is not here with us.
At the end of the day i guess we all agree that him being in rehab is far better than him being around and still using. Yet it doesn't change the fact that sometimes it's difficult.
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 8 years and he's been using heroin on/off since then (and beyond). We just had a baby daughter together, she is now 4 months, and he's been in rehab for 3 months. It's hard but actually easier now than at the beginning. Just keep yourself busy.
You're lucky enough you can see him every week, i can only see my bf once per month and only under supervision!
take care of yourself.
Carine
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 328
When my addict sons went to treatment, I got into Alanon/Naranon - those women saved my life. They had gone through what I was going through - the isolation, the aloneness, the fear about the future, etc - they gave me hope and support.
And I got a huge education about drugs - and what it took for an addict to recover.
Then they got me going on a program for me - to look at how I had gotten "sick" too - I was as addicted to the addicts as they were to the drugs. There were changes I had to make - which would "help" them in their recovery - like getting realistic about what it would take for them to get straight and stay straight, to learn to say no and mean it, to stop covering up for them, to stop enabling. What I thought was loving - was killing them. I just didn't know it.
Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
There is a sticky - I think it is called Letter from an Addict - or someone posted it the last few days. Read that - it is the truth. and there are great books you can get at a Naranon or Alanon meeting.
And I got a huge education about drugs - and what it took for an addict to recover.
Then they got me going on a program for me - to look at how I had gotten "sick" too - I was as addicted to the addicts as they were to the drugs. There were changes I had to make - which would "help" them in their recovery - like getting realistic about what it would take for them to get straight and stay straight, to learn to say no and mean it, to stop covering up for them, to stop enabling. What I thought was loving - was killing them. I just didn't know it.
Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
There is a sticky - I think it is called Letter from an Addict - or someone posted it the last few days. Read that - it is the truth. and there are great books you can get at a Naranon or Alanon meeting.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
read around. read the stickys at the top of the forum. unless he gets help he will not be around at all. an addict either wounds up in jail or dead. it only gets worse.let him work his program & try to keep the focus on yourself. it is a longgggggg road with an addict. my son is my addict & a crack addict. your b.f. has got to do this for himself & no one else. welcome to S.R., keep coming back.prayers for you both,
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Good to see you here!
I'm a recovering crack addict and recovering codie. Kitty is right..crack is evil and it is a mental addiction and hard to break. We CAN recover, but it takes a lot of work.
I know you miss him, but I'm glad he's in treatment and is trying.
As hard as this is on you, he really does need to focus on himself, and you need to focus on you and the kids. I was as addicted to my addict boyfriends as I ever was to crack. I've had to learn to realize if I take care of me, I have more to offer other people.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm a recovering crack addict and recovering codie. Kitty is right..crack is evil and it is a mental addiction and hard to break. We CAN recover, but it takes a lot of work.
I know you miss him, but I'm glad he's in treatment and is trying.
As hard as this is on you, he really does need to focus on himself, and you need to focus on you and the kids. I was as addicted to my addict boyfriends as I ever was to crack. I've had to learn to realize if I take care of me, I have more to offer other people.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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