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At this pt I don't know what to do anymore.... I just want to disappear!

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At this pt I don't know what to do anymore.... I just want to disappear!

Old 09-23-2008, 12:27 PM
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Unhappy At this pt I don't know what to do anymore.... I just want to disappear!

Hello everyone, well I'm gonna make this short ok maybe not, but I really need to vent out... again. Well my husband (AH) has been out of the house since Wednesday and first day was of course a living nightmare. The days after were much better. Oh my God felt so much better yet still feeling down, of course. Then the weekend got here, which I kinda feared, and went ok considering. Friday stayed home w/ my youngest, had some company over (niece w/ similar problems) then my daughters got home & brought us pizza.... awww. Saturday bummed all day pretty much then @ night went out w/ my girlfriend just to get out... we both needed it bad. I did real good meaning I went only to have a few drinks & enjoy the music. I wasn't going to dance w/ any guys & I didn't either. My hubby found out I went out & went crazy. He told me he was just making alot of threats @ me & whoever took me out. When it comes to other ppl he just talks but thats all he's ever good @ except when it comes to me. I got home. I knew I had to butter him up in order to calm him which always works just didn't feel he had a right to be inside my house. Well anyhow, we've been talking & he came over the other day to talk, but I made it clear I didn't want him to move back. I told him in order for him to see our girls he needs to be clean, if not "no". He agreed. Monday, he came over & went out to take care of some errands & we got to talk alot more. He opened up more & just started crying & crying like a baby and just hugging me real tight telling me how he hates himself that he should of just thrown it in the toilet instead of using it. He told me that he hates himself for doing it again & now look all the mess it has caused when he says he had been clean already for a few weeks & everything down the drain. I told him I would help him if he really wanted my help but he needed to stop lying to me. He told me yes to everything.

Long story short again, after we talked for hours we agreed to work on everything especially him. So later on I told him the girls will be home later, I need you to test to make sure he was clean (like he said he was.... yes again). He said ok, but I did sense something though. I got the test & went in w/ him & of course not to my surprise he was dirty again. He fought the issue that the last time he did it was last Monday (9/15) & doesn't know why it would still show if he says he hadn't touched it since then. He put on a good little battle on how the test was wrong. I didn't fall for it. Finally that's when he broke into tears (as I mentioned above) & confessed that when I threw him out Wednesday, he asked his brother (great & they share the same room) for some & did it cuz he was so hurt.... again. I told him "you hit rock bottom again?" I know I'm mean, but I just have so much bitterness towards him. I'm gonna grow old being one of those old ladies all grouchy & bitter, aren't I? Well then like I said we talked & came to that agreement.

Well last night, it hit me hard again.... hard core. We had been texting all night & I was telling him I was starting to hurt & started arguing and were arguing before you know it. I told him I needed his support that's all I needed & you know what he did.... he feel asleep. He left me alone. I lost it, honestly. I was all alone in my room crying & crying. I couldn't stop even if I wanted too. Why does it hit me so hard all of a sudden like that? I tell him ugly things too, but all I want is just to make him hurt too. Finally after an hour & 1/2 he wakes up & texts me. He doesn't send me any sympathy or shows me any comfort @ all. That's because he read my text & still he was like nothing but I deserve that. I always let him get to me. Always!

I don't see him doing anything to get himself any help anymore & why would he? His roommate does coke too & always has it there @ hand. He gets to drink whenever he wants. I know he's going out bar hopping w/ his brother doing heavens knows who? Why would my hubby wanna come home? Nobody complains to him there. He even started remodeling my mother-in-law's bathroom, kitchen & what not because nobody else in that family helps their parents (construction wise). My hubby is very handy so they're not gonna want him to leave either. I just wish I could disappear. I'm sorry but I don't know what to do anymore. I just don't want to get that pain anymore. Just when I think there's hope, he always finds a way to screw it up. I don't know get mad @ me, tell me whatever but please tell me something. Thanks everyone for taking the time to read my problems... its so pathetic. I'm pathetic.




So long to be w/ to suddenly be w/out!
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Old 09-23-2008, 12:33 PM
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Oh honey, you're not pathetic. Don't pile on yourself at this hour. It sounds like you were doing well when you had that bit of break away from him- it sounds like you had actually started to find some peace. That should tell you something.
Many hugs, I'm sorry I don't know what to say.
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Old 09-23-2008, 12:35 PM
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Your words mean alot... believe me thanks for your support.
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Old 09-23-2008, 12:45 PM
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It's not your fault. You can't change him. He is an addict doing what addicts do. He is stuck. And you are codependent on him, and just doing what codependents do. It's a viscious circle and you both are part of it. If nothing changes, if nothing changes. And that means you have to change if you want things to be different. It's hard but if you do it one babystep at a time, it is much easier. Keep us posted ok.
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Old 09-23-2008, 01:55 PM
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I don't think you're pathetic. I do think you are completely obsessed and sinking deeper and deeper and giving him complete control over who you are. You're giving every second of every minute to him and you will never have any control over his actions or his getting well, keep that in mind. He will do what he will do.

You need to step back again, take some deep breaths and concentrate solely on you and getting you back. Why would you let someone have such control? Take it one day at a time, quit thinking you have this lonely future ahead of you. No one knows what the day will bring but you're not giving yourself a chance to find out who you are, what life holds for you, when you're spending all your energy working on him, who doesn't even care.

One day at a time, and hang in there working on you.

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Old 09-23-2008, 02:00 PM
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you are far from pathetic! Your husband is the sick person, do not allow him to drag your spirit down too. You seem to be a strong person, have FAITH in yourself. I pray that you find some peace in the coming days. And do not be afraid to cry, it reminds us that we are only human.

i send my love!!
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Old 09-23-2008, 03:21 PM
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This is the dance of addiction - and I know it so well. He does this, I do that. I walk away - he comes back with promises. We try again. He says I'm too controlling and don't understand - he walks away. I beg him to try again, just one more time. He goes back to using and I walk away. Ad infinitum! Until one of us dies - or recovers.

I needed "detox" from the addicts in my life - just like they needed "detox" from their drugs. And it was horribly emotionally and physically painful. I'd start to get through it, and after a few days, I hurt so bad, I would go back - just a "little bit" - just crack the door. And whomp, there we were doing the dance again.

Just like the addicts have to substitute something for their drugs - usually AA/NA. I did too - Alanon/Naranon.

You can do this - hang in there - two steps forward and one back. You are not pathetic - you are moving on your path, sometimes quickly and sometimes slowly.

Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler

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Old 09-23-2008, 04:43 PM
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Smiley...... just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and that you are not alone. xoxoxoxo
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Old 09-23-2008, 04:53 PM
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You all have such great encouragement and advice. Even though you are not responding to my personal story, I feel like you are speaking directly to me. I just want to thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and experience to those of us muddling through and trying to learn to dance a different dance.
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Old 09-23-2008, 06:40 PM
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Smiley... actions, not words. There is nothing pathetic about you. You need to remember to put you first and to find happiness or at least peace for you. He is the only one that can get himself clean and stay there. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

Find some space and get your head clear... addicts can be very manipulative and it makes it very hard to trust ourselves. BUT... you have to trust you. Be strong. HUGS
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Old 09-23-2008, 07:20 PM
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You are not pathetic. You are addicted to your addict. Can you get to some meetings? They really do help a lot. Also you say that he is not working on himself. Are you working on yourself. I am not saying it to be mean, but sometimes we lose sight of what is best for us and that means working on yourself, taking care of yourself and most of all being kind to yourself. Hugs, Marle
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Old 09-23-2008, 09:07 PM
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Smiley........ you can not control it, cure it, or cause it. This is carbon copy of what so many of us have been through...... including myself. You are NOT pathetic..... you are someone who is caught up in the throws of addiction.

Bless your heart...... you deserve so much more. I wish SO MUCH that we could just love them and make them SEE just how much they hurt us in this disease. But the truth is - we can't. We can only protect ourselves.

Your weekend sounded very nice....... and that you have a caring and kind support system. You ARE blessed!

Thinking of you ................................ xoxo
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Old 09-23-2008, 10:45 PM
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Unhappy

Earlier when I started reading the replies I felt like I wasn't alone as much anymore. I got all emotional.... crying & what not, luckily my Mom had just walked in the house when she caught me crying. Then I really let it all out.... boy non stop crying, but well worth it. She talked to me & told me what bible verses to read & to pray & have faith in God.

You all are so "God sent Angels" to me. I realize I am addicted to my AH, aswell & know I need to let go too. Even if I already kicked him out, I also need to detach myself from him emotionally. I have alot of work ahead of me, but I have been @ the bottom before & got back up... I know I can do it again by myself. I will keep in touch w/ everything. I'm just very exhausted especially since I have hardly slept in past days... about 2 hrs each night, atleast. God bless you all & thank you from the bottom of my heart your support means the world to me right now. Thank you!!!!!!!!!! :Val004



[What's there to smile about now?]
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Old 09-24-2008, 05:15 AM
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Oh Hon... there is lots to smile about. You have loving friends and family who are there for you. You have made the steps to better your life. You are strong. Baby steps, but keep moving forward
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Old 09-24-2008, 12:08 PM
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awww, sweetie, give yourself a little time to grieve, and then move on. You will find yourself smiling and enjoying life again.

When I was using (crack), as soon as I ran out of money or dope, or was faced with a consequence, I cried, swore I wanted to be clean, promised I would do better. I actually DID want to be clean, at that moment, because I was miserable. Then, as soon as I calmed down, I would go back to the dope.

When I finally hit bottom, there were no tears, no promises. I was just done. I was still miserable, but I refused to think of using as an option.

When I broke up with my XABF, who was still using, I went through a similar thing. I was miserable, figured I would be alone forever, missed him terribly. I had to keep reminding myself that he wasn't going to change, so the only person who COULD change was me.

It's not easy, sometimes it hurts like he!!, but we get through it.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 09-24-2008, 12:33 PM
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Smiley,

You are in my thoughts and not alone, we are all right there with you.

Thankfully I know that first hand, the warmth and support the wonderful people on SR give. Keep posting away!
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Old 09-25-2008, 07:22 PM
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Walk away, walk away, walk away like the song goes & live strong.
Sincerely,
Sisterslove
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Old 09-25-2008, 07:38 PM
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This is all you need to write:

"Friday stayed home w/ my youngest, had some company over (niece w/ similar problems) then my daughters got home & brought us pizza.... awww.... then @ night went out w/ my girlfriend .... I did real good meaning I went only to have a few drinks & enjoy the music."
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Old 09-26-2008, 10:08 AM
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When I was using (crack), as soon as I ran out of money or dope, or was faced with a consequence, I cried, swore I wanted to be clean, promised I would do better. I actually DID want to be clean, at that moment, because I was miserable. Then, as soon as I calmed down, I would go back to the dope.

When I finally hit bottom, there were no tears, no promises. I was just done. I was still miserable, but I refused to think of using as an option.
Wow Amy. This totally rang true with me too. I used to cry and be so miserable and swear I would quit using and blah blah blah. Then I'd have the opportunity to use and all my empty promises to myself would be shoved to the back of my mind. The drugs buried all my feelings. Crack was all I felt. It was crack or be miserable. Until the day I quit. There were no more tears. I was just done. I got busy doing what I neede to do to make sure I didn't have opportunities to use anymore. Changed my phone number. Moved. Got a program. Started talking to recovering addicts. Started spending time with my family. Once or twice, I was blindsided. I would relapse. But each time I would take a lesson from it. But the last relapse was a doosy.It lasted about a month. Thank GOD my supplier (bf) ended up in jail.) I think of it as divine intervention. I recommitted to never using again and it was hard. All the old cravings came back.

Anyway for those of you who wonder how you will really know when your addict is SERIOUS about quitting, I think we get real greatful real fast. We stop being so prideful and we only care about recovery. We don't make promises anymore. We just do it. And no matter how horrible life is, we stop complaining about it because we are just happy to still be alive. There's no time for tears. We are too busy working on ourselves.
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