Hereís the story Ė need advice

Old 09-23-2008, 10:31 AM
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Hereís the story Ė need advice

Ok, hereís the story and I need to know how to fix all of this . . .

I own two cars Ė 95 Honda my 27 yr old AS was driving that is now parked in my apt. parking lot, he claims it needs a clutch & a 95 Corolla I was driving that my AS now is driving (4-5 months.) I can get to work by bus and live w/my daughter that has a car so I hop rides w/her to grocery store, etc. I sadly think that if AS has car he can get to random UA tests required by court order and the job he claims to have and if worse comes to worse, live in the car (hasnít happened yet.)

In the past 4-5 months I have gotten mailed 2 parking tickets he never told me about, claims he forgot to pay . . . Week & Ĺ ago he called and told me he was rear ended Ė really no damage to car. Claims other driver drove away, police & ambulance wanted to check my AS out, he had a cut over his eye and on his cheek. Says he didnít want to be checked out, so he left as well???

Today 3 detectives from police show up at my apt., I wasnít home, daughter spoke with them and called me at work. I talked with them on the phone. They claim there was a hit & run yesterday involving my car w/male driver. I gave them my ASís cell phone #. Sent AS a text to call police. I called police station & spoke to detective again, they say it was in a Walmart parking lot, my AS had talked to them & hopefully they could meet up later today to look at the car. AS claims he did not hit anyone.

Last Thursday I took a check for $320 from AS & gave him $110 back Ė of course Iím sweating that the check clears. Iíve posted recently that I am not able to stop giving him money lately. Iím scared to death to say no Ė Iím afraid heíll get mad & blow whatever $ is in his acct. so the $320 bounces. Yesterday I took a check for $125 from AS & gave him $80 back - I do not have the money to cover these if they bounce. I know I am the stupidest person on the face of the earth.

Iím afraid of abandoning him Ė He is supposedly passing the random UAs, so is he clean???? If he is clean, I feel guilty that I cannot provide a place for him to live and support him in his recovery.

My daughter is VERY angry that she was there today to deal with the police. (Two years ago when I, daughter, AS & ASís gf lived together, our house was raided by the police for suspected drug activity by AS. I was at work that day as well & daughter and ASís gf were home. Police were very aggressive w/drawn guns, etc. Nothing was really found so AS suffered nothing at that time.) Daughter & I have a shared cell phone plan Ė originally her plan, in her name w/my added line. In her anger today, she said give me your phone, you only talk to AS & you shouldnít be. She also said get your car back in 2 days or Iím going to.

Can someone please tell me what to do? I obviously didnít do a very good job of raising him, of teaching him how to be an independent, responsible, functioning adult. How do I fix that? Can someone just come and handle my life for me cause Iím screwing it up big time? Help me please....
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Old 09-23-2008, 10:46 AM
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Ph.D in insanity!!
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Oh my. Thats why addiction is a sickness and it makes those around them sick.

When you are done dealing with the addiction then you will step away from it. You chose to make every choice so far so you have no one to blame but yourself. Have you had enough yet?

I understand he's your son. My mother had to do this with my brother and there are only two doors to go through. The sobriety door.......or deaths door. I know it's not something you want to face but he needs to choose one all by himself. As long as there is one enabler he will continue, when he runs out then he will make a choice.
How would you feel if I told you that you could be prolonging his chances of sobriety?

It's easy to pass a test at a moments notice.

My brother was a heroin addict and because he had a prescription for codience he was fine because morphin broke down into codiene within 24 hours. He knew they could only test him within certain hours.

You think you are smart........he's smarter and any addict he is around teaches him new and improved ways.

If you want to stop messing up your life then get that car away from him for good. Get rid of the old one and start a new life. Start grieving for your son because that is a long process and it will help with whatever he choses to do. It's time to let go and let god.......

When did the children become the parents?
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Old 09-23-2008, 10:56 AM
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The only thing you can fix is yourself.

As far as the car goes, is your name on the title?
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Old 09-23-2008, 11:05 AM
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No is a complete sentence.

I am either part of the problem or part of the solution.

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it is a duck. (doesn't sound like sober behavior to me)

If the car is in your name, you may have BIG legal ramifications.

When I just couldn't stand the emotional pain anymore, I realized that all my best thinking wasn't working - for me or for my family or for my addict sons. And I tried it someone else's way. For me that was Alanon and Naranon.

Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler

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Old 09-23-2008, 11:11 AM
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Even if he IS clean, he's acting totally irresponsibly. Stop blaming raised your daughter, also, right? She sounds pretty darn smart!

Get your car back. If he truly wants to do what he's supposed to do, he will find a way to do his random drug screens, and he will either stop writing bad checks, or will suffer the consequences. If you can use public transportation, so can he.

I know you want to help him, but what you are helping him do is dig himself further and further into a hole.

The people who were MOST supportive of my recovery, let me deal with my consequences but kept their hands off my issues. When things are rough (they still are, sometimes) dad will say "I'm sorry" and that's it. I know he is..he sees me trying really hard.

But he doesn't rush in to "make it all better". Later, when I've gotten through another struggle, I feel good about myself. Your son is not going to know what that feels like if you keep rescuing him.

I can't imagine how hard this is, but I really hope you can stop being his car dealer and have enough on your own plate (like covering his checks that are probably going to bounce).

Hugs and prayers!

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Old 09-23-2008, 02:27 PM
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Hi JMF~~ I completely understand where you are right now. I was there a year and a half ago. When Chris first went into rehab I knew I needed some help with how to help him when he got out. Little did I know how much help I needed. I didn't understand codependancy at all. I was told I was loving him straight to his grave. And I probably was cause I was there for everything he needed. I didn't want him to go with out anything. I supplied way to many apartments with everything he needed.....I bought food, I paid bills~~~I should be saying "WE" here. And my hubby was getting more and more upset with me. I know you love your son but this has to stop hon. You have to let him take care of himself~~or not!! My councelor told me that Chris was mentally abusing me and that just about tore me in pieces. I wish I had found this site and been here when all this was going on. I was a crying mess....If you can't do conciling (sp)) please hang on to your daughter. She's right about getting the car back and not giving him money. So many of the addicts on here will tell you he will find a way....I know how HARD it is but please step away before you get sick. I have to go out but will look for you tomorrow. Big hugs, positive thinking, and take care of you. You deserve that. BOnnie
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Old 09-23-2008, 02:27 PM
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Hugs to you Honey -

In dealing with addictive addiction/alcoholism, "dry" behaviors or unacceptable actions from people in my life, I have to keep reminding myself if I keep doing what I've always done I will keep getting what I've always gotten - Today is a good day to make decisions about what is in the best interest for me and my welfare.

God, Serenity, Courage, Wisdom,

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Old 09-23-2008, 03:05 PM
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If you want your son to have the car, put it in his name. That way if he happens to kill or injure someone, you will not be responsible. If he gets caught with drugs in the car, you will lose it anyway. If you don't want him to have the car, then take it back. There comes a time that no matter how much we scurry around trying to clean up their messes, it stops working. When I stopped cleaning up my daughter's messes, she continued for a while making more. But eventually she decided she wanted something better. So she got her butt to rehab, stayed at the halfway house, and when she came home she got herself a job. She is trying to clean up $8,000 worth of bills in collections. Today she went and got money orders to pay on two of them. She has paid off the smaller ones and now is working on the bigger ones. You need to let him grow up. Believe me I know it is hard, but you are not doing him a favor by sacrificing your life. It won't keep him clean, it won't make him grateful, it won't prevent his crises. It will only make you more miserable and delay him facing the consequences of his choices and lets him off the hook for taking responsibility for himself. Sending prayers that you find a way to say NO and mean it. Hugs, Marle
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Old 09-23-2008, 03:09 PM
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Wow JMF. Thes are really awesome posts. What do you think your next move should be?
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Old 09-23-2008, 04:48 PM
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Originally Posted by Stubborn1 View Post
there are only two doors to go through. The sobriety door.......or deaths door. I know it's not something you want to face but he needs to choose one all by himself. As long as there is one enabler he will continue, when he runs out then he will make a choice.
This is a sobering statement. Especially considering the fact that even if you do all the painstaking work to stop being an enabler yourself, there are others, that you have no control over, that will continue to enable and delay the choice. The addict may never run out of enablers in his/her life.

I hate to be a downer, but this is discouraging. I guess this fact reinforces the importance of taking care of oneself first and foremost, and of distancing with love.
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Old 09-24-2008, 12:12 PM
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Good posts, thanks.

There are some great posts from everyone, and I appreciate them all.

Except no one came to do it for me! ha . . . . . sigh

I do realize that if I want him to have one of the cars it would the best move to transfer it into his name. Then what happens is his business, not mine.

Also, if by some chance he is clean, he is in no sort of support program (his business, I know) so still reacts to life like an addict. Everything is a crisis. BUT, I do not have to sit around waiting for his crisises . . . I've shut my cell phone off again and left it at home. He ONLY calls for money - I don't have to make it easy.

My exH was verbally & physically abusive. I did not leave him, he left me . . . and even now, almost 12 years later I get a knot in my stomach each time his current marriage is rocky - I'm afraid he's gonna come back in my direction. I suffer from low self esteem, codenpendency, and whatever else makes me think I have to have them in my life????? My daughter pointed out that I am right back in an abusive relationship, now w/my AS. YUCK. Doesn't make it easier to "quit" though. Thanks for being there for me and I'm trying . . . just wish . . . I don't know, that I could do it better. How?

Thank you sooo much :ghug3
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Old 09-24-2008, 12:55 PM
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JMF, what are you doing for a support system? You might find it very helpful to find a support group in your area. You'll make new friends who understand and will be there. I know forums are nice but your recovery is sometimes better if you are held accountable in person. Just a thought.
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Old 09-24-2008, 02:19 PM
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It's SO hard for us to say, "You're on your own"
But, it's something that needs to be said. You are sharing rides, hopping rides to get groceries...YOU are being taken advantage of, and since you're so easy, he'll do it over and over.

We also were doing that check cashing thing, we just recently, in the last year said, No more, because we're on a limited income, and we shouldn't be doing that anyway.

I sure can understand your wanting to "help" him, but he NEEDS to be independent, and responsible for his own behavior.

Start living YOUR life, and let him live his.

I know it's difficult to do, but it does get easier with practice.
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Old 09-24-2008, 02:24 PM
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What about getting the car that runs back and let him save up for a clutch for the other vehicle? I mean the checks he has been having you cash for him are more than enough to have the clutch done. I'm sure he even knows some on who can help him. I had to change a clutch once and if I can do anyone can. The flywheel is about 75 bucks and the clutch isnt much more. I would have HIM call around seeng that you want your car back. Its a car that runs and you bought for yourself not for him to tool around in. As someone else said if you can get around on a bus so can he. No reason why you should ride the bus you have worked your whole life and deserve something for all that work. A car would be a start.

Maybe take some direction from you daughter seems like she has learned to detach from her brother. Seems like a no nonsense girl. Dont blame youself for his problem cause u stayed in a bad marriage. There are millions of people out there whose parents arent happy and have seen and heard things that they should see or hear. Yet some/most of them become functunal adults and can survive in the world without turning to drugs to drown the pain.

I think you would benefit alot from meetings and could learn alot from people who have been where you are. You will see that there is another way to treat your son rather than coddling him and giving him what he wants so that he wont do drugs or something bad. Its not easy at first cause the addict know how to manipulate and make u feel guilty for everything that has gone wrong in his life. Remember its not your fault he knows right from wrong, just needs a little bit of tough love and some guidance on how to do the right things to get what he needs. Just remember every guilt trip is manipulation he doesnt mean what hes saying just trying to break you so he can get what he wants.

Have him open his own checking acct or go to the check cashing places that most grocery stores have so u dont have to worry about the check bouncing..... guess what if it does your stuck paying all the fees he wont offer to pay you back. Thats the chance u took when you cashed it.

Alot of great advice above me and remember NO is a complete sentence it will take a while for it to sink in to your sons head,, but if you stick to it he will get the point just dont cave cause then what did he learn? You can still push over mom.

Good luck to you and take care of you first!!!
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Old 09-24-2008, 03:00 PM
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You know that cat food commercial with the Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow song? I want you to make a mantra out of this and replace Meow-Meow with No, No, No, No, No.

All together now, No,No,No,No, No, No, No, No...............

Here are a few more:

YouTube - 1000 ways to say NO
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Old 09-25-2008, 06:01 AM
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First, my middle daughter the AD and my youngest the SPOILED BRAT, both react about the same to the word "no". Everything is still about them and what they want and no concern of what it does to us. Although youngest, age 26, is coming around and making an effort to pay things back, but she still has her days. She is what I let her become by always caving in and giving her what she wanted. I did learn if I wanted her to change, I also had to. It's tough trying to grow a backbone this late it life but it's forming a little more day by day.

Your daughter sounds strong and sure of herself. Listen to her. She grew up in the same atmosphere and doesn't sound the worse off for it. Good luck, and get a car back, you deserve it.
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Old 09-25-2008, 07:14 AM
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Well . . . 1st check bounced

Crap, I was just hoping since it had been a week that the $320 check I took from my AS was gonna clear - no such luck. Now I'm $215 in the hole and no way to make it up . . . don't get paid til Tuesday. I'm a dumb, stupid idiot who can't learn a lesson, doesn't know how to say "no" and has no back bone.

Oops, before I get to far along the pity party . . . Thank you to everyone for your words of experience, strenth and support. Absolutely words I need to hear over and over again. I pray that you won't give up on me, I want to move forward in my recovery, but feel like I need help getting there. I do attend face to face meetings and will be at one tonight.

And I guess instead of getting back into a pity party I'll just end with a request for a few prayers from you guys that I can work at my own recovery and succeed. Thanks!
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Old 09-25-2008, 09:45 AM
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JMF, I don't believe I have ever met anyone quite as stubborn as you are being. You know the checks will bounce BUT you take them anyway? Now I am letting my AD use my car because we cut off the insurance on hers tii there is money to reinstate it. But as I recall he didn't want to fix your car he just wanted the money?
I couldn't afford to keep cashing bad checks, I know one it would hurt me too much emotionally but financially why do you keep doing it to yourself?
Your daughter does sound stronger then you are where her brother is concerned. How about asking her to help you say no to the checks? Not sure how but man you just have to get a grip here and stop jumping in the quicksand. Prayers are helpful but in this case I will tell you "God helps those that help themselves". (((HUGS))))
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