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Old 09-23-2008, 10:29 AM
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Unhappy Bad news bears...

So sunday my abf dropped a bomb on me that he had relapsed on thursday, used fri and sat and was sick on sunday and needed me to give him $40 so he could get suboxone so he wouldn't be sick and then promised to go to detox. It would have been 60 days clean time for him sunday. He relapsed thursday, got fired friday and dropped this bomb on me sunday. I flipped out. He did make a point to tell me before he started to turn into the monster and asked for help. I can't do this anymore. I tired and I kicked him out this morning and he said he was going to kill himself and it would be my fault because he had no where to go. He begged for me to let him stay until he gets into a detox. I don't know if he's lying or not but I can't just drop him off at the train and then worry if he's dead. What a mess. I really thought after the last time in detox he would make it this time.
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Old 09-23-2008, 10:35 AM
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((Alaia))

Sorry to hear you are going through this. I hope you find the answers you need for yourself. Not much else to say, just wanted to let you know you were heard.
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Old 09-23-2008, 10:54 AM
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You should drop him off at the bus stop or train station. If he kills himself it is own doing. Every drug addict says they are going to kill themselves when they know it will get them back in to your life.
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Old 09-23-2008, 11:00 AM
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My husband's answer to the "If you don't do this, I'm going to kill myself" was:

"If you kill yourself, I would certainly miss you, but you do what you have to do" and then he walked outside and got in his car and drove away.

His recovery was better than mine at that point!

You can only save yourself. And sometimes when we walk away or do what's best for us, they do what they need to do.

I'm a big advocate of calling 911 and saying someone is suicidal, and then leaving the premises, so "they" have to deal with the paramedics, who don't look kindly on false alarms.

Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler

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Old 09-23-2008, 11:16 AM
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I agree with Jody...call 911 and then let HIM deal with it.

I'm a recovering addict, and I, too, threatened to kill myself if I didn't get what I wanted.

He's already been through detox, right? How do you know if he's going to "get it" THIS time? Do you really want to be manipulated and lied to any more?

He will find somewhere to go...we always do. He is an adult, and what he does is NOT your responsibility.

Focus on you, and let him find his own way.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 09-23-2008, 05:35 PM
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It's so hard not to get pulled back in part of me feels If I give my husband money it's a straight shot to the dealer he doesnt have to rob anyone or risk getting fronted and then run into them and have them beat him(or worse) and in it's own way I'm saving him keeping him alive longer. I know I'm not helping but when he begs and wants his life I give in because I dont want him to die I just want my husband home
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Old 09-24-2008, 06:42 AM
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I am so angry and bitter towards him. I just want him out of my house so I can have time to myself. He has no where to go...and I let him back last time because I felt bad. I don't anymore. I just want him to leave, and he just stands there telling me detox has no open beds right now.
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Old 09-24-2008, 06:53 AM
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Originally Posted by Impurrfect View Post
I agree with Jody...call 911 and then let HIM deal with it.

I'm a recovering addict, and I, too, threatened to kill myself if I didn't get what I wanted.

He's already been through detox, right? How do you know if he's going to "get it" THIS time? Do you really want to be manipulated and lied to any more?

He will find somewhere to go...we always do. He is an adult, and what he does is NOT your responsibility.

Focus on you, and let him find his own way.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
Thanks. Yes, he has been to detox at least 4 times I know of and he went to rehab in florida in the the summer of '07 for 3 months. He can't stay clean. I was so close to dropping him off but he wouldn't get out of the car, and of course at the point I was crying and didn't know what to do. I need him out of my life. I need him to leave as soon as possible and when i go home today and he still has no where to go I gotta make him leave. It's gonna hurt bad, but I can't keep doing this. I have no feelings for him anymore because I am so sick of the lies and the hurt. I need to step out of my fantasy where he stays clean and we get married and live happily ever after.
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Old 09-24-2008, 07:10 AM
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Oh this sounds all too familiar. My ah hated when I said "ummmmm you are already commiting suicide slowly" I told him I would go buy the bullets. He hated he didn't get a reaction. Even better.......he hated when the police told him to leave his own home.
They always find a place to use and a place to sleep. Let him put that much effort into staying sober.
I honestly let my ah go and drove by why he was sleeping in his hot truck, no shower and no place to stay. He found a field by a church. I let him do that for about a month. One day I felt as if something was saying to me "go get him" I figured it was God or an angel or something. It was just too real. So I drove down to that field to a pathedic husk of a man and said "let's go" and he said "thank God" and I said "you honestly better thank God because I'm pretty sure he's what made me come to you" and I let him come into the house while the kids were at school. Let him take a shower, made him a hot meal and gave him all the comfort life could give. I handed him gas money and said "I will never rescue you again so I suggest you go to detox" and he did. He was sober a good year. He found a job but eventually hung out with people who drank and so did he.
He got into more trouble but I was not there to bail him out. I asked "where are your buds?".........no answer. I thought so.
So now.......he takes responsibility so to speak. He is not perfect and I'm sure he drinks here and there but he does not come here drinking and he knows if he screws up it's all on him.
He's 47 and finally growing up.
He lives his life and I live mine.
When you totally stop helping him THEN he might realize that he is all he has. That means....no shelter, no bed, no soft pillow to rest his precious head, no food. It's only when someone realizes how tough it can be do they appreciate what they had to work for.
Find a way to toss his booty out. Make your own happily ever after.
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Old 09-24-2008, 08:02 AM
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((Alaia))
sorry for your pain. I know far too well and you feel, and i know it hurts pretty bad.
I know the disappointement of yet another failure -not from us but from our loved one, which is probably worst cos we can't do anything about it-
My abf is a heroin addict and he's been on/off for as far as i've been with him (8 years) so you can picture the path i've been through.
Anyway, he's now in rehab for 3 months and plan to stay for another min. 7 months. We'll see how it goes but no expectation anymore...
You seem to have reach the point where you're ready to stop this relationship. Take care of yourself xo
Carine
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Old 09-25-2008, 10:03 AM
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why is it that when the addict gets to detox...you finally get the truth. I dropped him off last night...and then the volcano of lies errrupted. His mom called me...had no idea he was in detox. She had co-signed a car loan for him a few years ago, it got re-powed last fall and because he hasn't made any payments on the car the lawyers are going after her. They are going to garnish her wages from work and now his dad is out of work due to an injury that will require surgery, so he is not getting his full pay and they are 2 months behind on their morgage payments and the lawyers have also put a lean on his parents house. So not only is he homless after he is out of detox, his family might be out of a home. So he calls me last night and I tell him this and told him I do not want to speak to him ever again. Today I go to the bank and my account is off. He stole checks from me again (I thought I hid them so well) 6 checks in 3 days this week mon-wen for a total of $350. and I wonder why I am so surprised and shocked at this...yet again. Stupid stupid me. You all tried to tell me to run the first time, and yet I thought if I gave him a chance he would recover. I really thought he hit rock bottom. Thank you to whoever posted What and Addict does in the stickies cause it's the truth and I should have been smart enough to know the first time. :codiepolice
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