I told him it was over.
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: Texas
Posts: 20
I told him it was over. "So Long To Be With To Suddenly Be Without"
Well how should I start this.... I told my husband to leave last night. I don't know but I thought this time he really wanted help. He fooled me just like everyone says they usually do. I feel like the biggest fool.
I had ordered some drug tests (for coccaine) online & well what he did when the packet came in, he hid them in the trunk of the care neatly tucked away. I had asked him if he hadn't seen them in our mail box & he told me no. I looked it up online & stated it was delivered on Monday @ 2:18 pm. I knew right there he had something to do with 'em. While he was snoring away sleeping in the bed, I looked several times in the house then the car. My heart just felt so numb. I knew @ that second my life was gonna have to change. I knew that he hid it only for the only obvious... he didn't want to be tested. Honestly I wanted to faint, but had to be strong for my girls. I confronted him about it. I told him I was only give him that chance to be honest if not it was over. Not once but twice he lied to my face looking straight @ me. I knew he was not himself. I kinda had already for past days noticed little signs of his behavior. Luckily he didn't put up a fight this time, well we had a verbal fight but not physical. Thank God. We have been texting today, but there is nothing left. He came up w/ a lie that he didn't tell me cuz he wanted me to call the company that sent me the tests that I didn't receive them so they could send me some more free. He said he knew if he told me I wouldn't of done it. When I read that I could not believe the lie he had come up with. "The tests were only $10" I told him.
I'm gonna do my best to move on w/ out him. I'm gonna pray hard to God that he gives me the strength to leave him for good this time. I'm so exhausted from crying & hurting. I hate that my daughters are seeing me this way, but I tell them I need to grieve & I'll get better. It's so hard.
Now I have to think about what I need to do from now on to get back on my feet.... not just financially, but emotionally. I have to now plan the future w/out him by myside. After 17 yrs, no matter how bad he was I was not alone, but I know that for years its like I have been alone. This is not fair. The worst part right now, as I'm crying typing this my little girl is seeing me & on her own she started washing the few dishes that were in the sink. She always does little things like this when I'm sad. How can a father/husband who has a family w/ beautiful daughters not to 4 get to mention they're really good kids (no problems w/ 'em) and a loving, loyal, dedicated & supportive wife let it all go for drugs? How?
I need to hit this hard.....:praying:praying:praying
Well how should I start this.... I told my husband to leave last night. I don't know but I thought this time he really wanted help. He fooled me just like everyone says they usually do. I feel like the biggest fool.
I had ordered some drug tests (for coccaine) online & well what he did when the packet came in, he hid them in the trunk of the care neatly tucked away. I had asked him if he hadn't seen them in our mail box & he told me no. I looked it up online & stated it was delivered on Monday @ 2:18 pm. I knew right there he had something to do with 'em. While he was snoring away sleeping in the bed, I looked several times in the house then the car. My heart just felt so numb. I knew @ that second my life was gonna have to change. I knew that he hid it only for the only obvious... he didn't want to be tested. Honestly I wanted to faint, but had to be strong for my girls. I confronted him about it. I told him I was only give him that chance to be honest if not it was over. Not once but twice he lied to my face looking straight @ me. I knew he was not himself. I kinda had already for past days noticed little signs of his behavior. Luckily he didn't put up a fight this time, well we had a verbal fight but not physical. Thank God. We have been texting today, but there is nothing left. He came up w/ a lie that he didn't tell me cuz he wanted me to call the company that sent me the tests that I didn't receive them so they could send me some more free. He said he knew if he told me I wouldn't of done it. When I read that I could not believe the lie he had come up with. "The tests were only $10" I told him.
I'm gonna do my best to move on w/ out him. I'm gonna pray hard to God that he gives me the strength to leave him for good this time. I'm so exhausted from crying & hurting. I hate that my daughters are seeing me this way, but I tell them I need to grieve & I'll get better. It's so hard.
Now I have to think about what I need to do from now on to get back on my feet.... not just financially, but emotionally. I have to now plan the future w/out him by myside. After 17 yrs, no matter how bad he was I was not alone, but I know that for years its like I have been alone. This is not fair. The worst part right now, as I'm crying typing this my little girl is seeing me & on her own she started washing the few dishes that were in the sink. She always does little things like this when I'm sad. How can a father/husband who has a family w/ beautiful daughters not to 4 get to mention they're really good kids (no problems w/ 'em) and a loving, loyal, dedicated & supportive wife let it all go for drugs? How?
I need to hit this hard.....:praying:praying:praying
Last edited by smiley70; 09-18-2008 at 05:27 PM.
Or However You Spell It....
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Safe
Posts: 4,264
Reading your post reminded me of that moment in time I knew it was time for me to make the final decision to make my ex leave for good. The only difference is we didn't have any children together. My heart goes out to you and your kids. I know this isn't an easy thing to do, but you have to put yourself first without guilt and without regret.
Many people wonder when it's time to let go and the answer I always give is this. When the pain of staying is greater than the pain of leaving it's time to let go. I knew I couldn't save my ex and he wouldn't get help until he wanted it. I had no choice but to save myself or allow him and his addiction to take me with him....and it had to a point already.
My prayers are with you sweetie. Just take everything day by day....minute by minute if that works better for you. Know that you're not alone and know that you're not the biggest fool. Your AH was just doing what an active addict does. We've all been fooled a time or 10. After a while.....you learn to trust your gut and it won't be so easy to be fooled again.
Many people wonder when it's time to let go and the answer I always give is this. When the pain of staying is greater than the pain of leaving it's time to let go. I knew I couldn't save my ex and he wouldn't get help until he wanted it. I had no choice but to save myself or allow him and his addiction to take me with him....and it had to a point already.
My prayers are with you sweetie. Just take everything day by day....minute by minute if that works better for you. Know that you're not alone and know that you're not the biggest fool. Your AH was just doing what an active addict does. We've all been fooled a time or 10. After a while.....you learn to trust your gut and it won't be so easy to be fooled again.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Smiley........ (((hugs)))....... you are strong... SO STRONG. This isn't easy - but just think.... you'll not have to deal with the anxiety of wondering what is real and what is not. You won't have to listen to those stupid lies anymore. The lies that the A's come up with are beyond me. It just mind boggles me that they think they sound legit. But then again it doesn't.... because they are of irrational mind set.
When I left my AH after I don't know how many lies.... I just knew I wasn't ever going to go back. I stayed in bed straight for 3 days and slept and cried. I went to my parents and I slept in my mom's bed. I was nursed and looked after as though I was a wounded bird.
I don't have that luxury now, as I have kids, as well.
I'm thinking of you. Stay strong. Like I tell my guy all the time- I'm allergic to addiction ....... it makes me crazy. It makes me not be able to live my life ..... my guy is sober now - but I'm dreading it when he relapses - I see it happening again and I'm preparing myself for the situation you are now in.
Treat yourself well - allow yourself to feel all the feelings of grief/loss. Start making plans NOW of your new life to come that is not centered around addiction. Be proud of yourself for being true to yourself - for honoring your integrity and most importantly your self-worth.
Peace xoxoxo
When I left my AH after I don't know how many lies.... I just knew I wasn't ever going to go back. I stayed in bed straight for 3 days and slept and cried. I went to my parents and I slept in my mom's bed. I was nursed and looked after as though I was a wounded bird.
I don't have that luxury now, as I have kids, as well.
I'm thinking of you. Stay strong. Like I tell my guy all the time- I'm allergic to addiction ....... it makes me crazy. It makes me not be able to live my life ..... my guy is sober now - but I'm dreading it when he relapses - I see it happening again and I'm preparing myself for the situation you are now in.
Treat yourself well - allow yourself to feel all the feelings of grief/loss. Start making plans NOW of your new life to come that is not centered around addiction. Be proud of yourself for being true to yourself - for honoring your integrity and most importantly your self-worth.
Peace xoxoxo
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Smiley)))
I know this hurts, but you are doing the best thing you can for you and your daughters.
In time, you will realize how much energy he has taken from you...worrying about what he's doing, whether or not he's using. You can put all that energy into doing what YOU like, and spending time with your daughters.
Stick around here...there are a lot of people here who are going through, or have been through, what you're feeling right now.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I know this hurts, but you are doing the best thing you can for you and your daughters.
In time, you will realize how much energy he has taken from you...worrying about what he's doing, whether or not he's using. You can put all that energy into doing what YOU like, and spending time with your daughters.
Stick around here...there are a lot of people here who are going through, or have been through, what you're feeling right now.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Texas
Posts: 20
As I'm reading the replies, I'm crying
@ the same time he's sending me alot of "angry text". He's telling me I'm making a big deal out of nothing. He also says he is clean and has been since the last time in August. He's just so awful. I can't believe the things he tells me.
I really do love him which is why I'm crying, but @ the same time I know I don't want live this way anymore. He's never gonna get better. And I do plan to stick around cuz over here I sound like a broken record.:chatter Think the only one that hears me out is my Mom. I can't wait for this pain to start fading away. I'm really greatful for your support.:ghug2 Reading your responses gives me hope. Thanks again.
@ the same time he's sending me alot of "angry text". He's telling me I'm making a big deal out of nothing. He also says he is clean and has been since the last time in August. He's just so awful. I can't believe the things he tells me.I really do love him which is why I'm crying, but @ the same time I know I don't want live this way anymore. He's never gonna get better. And I do plan to stick around cuz over here I sound like a broken record.:chatter Think the only one that hears me out is my Mom. I can't wait for this pain to start fading away. I'm really greatful for your support.:ghug2 Reading your responses gives me hope. Thanks again.
Or However You Spell It....
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Safe
Posts: 4,264
You probably haven't heard the end of it from him yet. My ex used to call me crying...saying he hadn't eaten in days.....blah blah blah. Couldn't I just come bring him a sandwich or some money.....OMG....and the BS and drama that went along with it was just exhausting! Remember....you're under no obligation to pick up that phone or read his messages. Give yourself a break from it all. Take a nice hot bath, and go do something nice for yourself. Just stay strong! It was really hard at first but with each day....it does get a little easier I promise.
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: New York, USA
Posts: 230
First, I don't think you should feel like a fool. We've all been there and we're all human.
So son't beat yourself up over it.
You need to stay strong for you and your girls. Sounds like you're making a good move even though it hurts right now, it does get better. I know 17 years seems like such a long time but now it's time to start out with one day at a time.
So son't beat yourself up over it.
You need to stay strong for you and your girls. Sounds like you're making a good move even though it hurts right now, it does get better. I know 17 years seems like such a long time but now it's time to start out with one day at a time.
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
((smiley))
I've been where you are at. I let the pain consume me. I let it make ME very sick physically and mentally. Feel that pain, acknowledge it, but give yourself permission to step away from it for a little while. Grab those kids up and go do something peaceful, see something beautiful, not just for you, but for your daughters as well. With all the sadness and stress and fear in all of your lives right now, you guys need something good to escape to, even if for only a little while.
I know you probably don't feel like doing it, but make yourself do it. Get yourself and your daughters out of the house for a few hours, look at local parks, make sure it is a new place that you have never been to before so that there aren't any lingering memories.
No matter what happens, new beginnings are happening right now for you.
Hugs and Prayers
B
I've been where you are at. I let the pain consume me. I let it make ME very sick physically and mentally. Feel that pain, acknowledge it, but give yourself permission to step away from it for a little while. Grab those kids up and go do something peaceful, see something beautiful, not just for you, but for your daughters as well. With all the sadness and stress and fear in all of your lives right now, you guys need something good to escape to, even if for only a little while.
I know you probably don't feel like doing it, but make yourself do it. Get yourself and your daughters out of the house for a few hours, look at local parks, make sure it is a new place that you have never been to before so that there aren't any lingering memories.
No matter what happens, new beginnings are happening right now for you.
Hugs and Prayers
B
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Smiley... The posts before mine are all so wise. These are the same people who have helped and supported me as I have walked through a very similar situation.... only I have a boy and a girl. Married to him for 24 years... with him for longer than that. Just couldn't do it anymore. I am crying as I post this... the hurt is real and the pain is tough... but know that you have made a wise decision for you and the girls.
I finally reached my limit and made the decision to end the relationship. I know what it feels like to be alone in a marriage and to be lonely even when I feel relieved for making the "right decision". PM me if you want to talk more or read some of my old posts... it is scarey sometimes how similar situations can be and how addiction has such a predictable course of behavior while at the same time allowing such insane, unimaginable, never mind predictable, things to happen.
Know that we care and are here to support you. Minute by minute... and then one day, you will have a day with no tears...life is beautiful, just sometimes we can't see it through the tears.
HUGS
I finally reached my limit and made the decision to end the relationship. I know what it feels like to be alone in a marriage and to be lonely even when I feel relieved for making the "right decision". PM me if you want to talk more or read some of my old posts... it is scarey sometimes how similar situations can be and how addiction has such a predictable course of behavior while at the same time allowing such insane, unimaginable, never mind predictable, things to happen.
Know that we care and are here to support you. Minute by minute... and then one day, you will have a day with no tears...life is beautiful, just sometimes we can't see it through the tears.
HUGS
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Texas
Posts: 20
My eyes feel like they have bricks on 'em, but I'm ok... First of all thank you all for your continuing support which I need so bad.
This morning I didn't go to sleep till around close to 5 am. We were texting all this time. He would call me but I had his # blocked but was able to text me. Through out the time he has been so cold & cruel in other words.... an a**. I told him how can you be so cruel to me knowing what I'm going through. After a while, it hit him & slowly his texts started changing (I just thought something was wearing off on him). Well anyhow to get to the pt. he admitted he did coke this Monday. Of course gave me another lame excuse how he remembered he had left some under sink a long time ago. Says it hardly had any so figured it wouldn't show up. He said he didn't know why he did it, but he just did. He told me that, this Monday was the only time he's done it since August, which I know is bull. Explains those little suspicions I felt. Even my 7 yr old told me "dad's out again right mom? I know he's doing bad things again.... you know what, right mom?". I looked @ her & kind of gave her a little smile then she tells me "I knew he was doing bad things again mom, cuz he started being really angry to me again".
Anyhow, once he started being more caring & my hurt calmed down... I almost gave in to him. I'm so pathetic! I even offered to go pick him up, but luckily "God" & you all's support (replies) made me come to my senses & I told him "you know what never mind". He tried buttering me up even more, but it didn't work. I put the phone down & went to sleep. So this morning, my eyes felt like they had bricks on 'em but still got up. I dropped off my girls @ school & you know.... I feel ok. I hope it stays that way & I don't get all emotional that way again. I know its a process of grieve & I'll have my days just hope not like yesterday... honestly it was hell. I told him how I felt & he told me that its because we're still in love with each other blah, blah, blah. I told him "I am in love w/ you still, but maybe the reason it hurts so bad is because my heart knows it has to let you go regardless". He didn't like that response.
Usually every weekend I do stuff w/ my girls, but will definately look into going to those different places like you all suggested. Great idea! We do movies, eating out to their fav restaurant, shopping (ofcourse), going to beach, mini vacations, etc. I always ask them what they feel like doing also as their input. But I need to get a grip on myself now that the weekend is up & I love to go out for drinks & just to dance
the night away only once a week (nobody's perfect). I was worried since I was hurting so much yesterday, was scared I would do something I would regret later on. I'm not talking about doing drugs the other (male/female) thing.... yes that. I'm not like that @ all never have been, but lately (4 past 7 yrs) why does he deserve my loyalty? Not saying its happening, but I'm not into drugs & I only drink once a week so what's left? IDK
Well I need to go to work already, I'll log back in later today keep yah informed of my status. ha! ha! Was that a little laugh? I know I still have along ways to go, its barely my 2nd day. I just want to be w/ someone who will love me back because I don't want to be alone. I really wanna thank you all again, through out the night (as we texted) I thought of what you all wrote to me. It stayed in there & I thank God for ppl like you all that don't ignore ppl like me even if we sound like a broken record. God bless you all & me, too!
This morning I didn't go to sleep till around close to 5 am. We were texting all this time. He would call me but I had his # blocked but was able to text me. Through out the time he has been so cold & cruel in other words.... an a**. I told him how can you be so cruel to me knowing what I'm going through. After a while, it hit him & slowly his texts started changing (I just thought something was wearing off on him). Well anyhow to get to the pt. he admitted he did coke this Monday. Of course gave me another lame excuse how he remembered he had left some under sink a long time ago. Says it hardly had any so figured it wouldn't show up. He said he didn't know why he did it, but he just did. He told me that, this Monday was the only time he's done it since August, which I know is bull. Explains those little suspicions I felt. Even my 7 yr old told me "dad's out again right mom? I know he's doing bad things again.... you know what, right mom?". I looked @ her & kind of gave her a little smile then she tells me "I knew he was doing bad things again mom, cuz he started being really angry to me again".
Anyhow, once he started being more caring & my hurt calmed down... I almost gave in to him. I'm so pathetic! I even offered to go pick him up, but luckily "God" & you all's support (replies) made me come to my senses & I told him "you know what never mind". He tried buttering me up even more, but it didn't work. I put the phone down & went to sleep. So this morning, my eyes felt like they had bricks on 'em but still got up. I dropped off my girls @ school & you know.... I feel ok. I hope it stays that way & I don't get all emotional that way again. I know its a process of grieve & I'll have my days just hope not like yesterday... honestly it was hell. I told him how I felt & he told me that its because we're still in love with each other blah, blah, blah. I told him "I am in love w/ you still, but maybe the reason it hurts so bad is because my heart knows it has to let you go regardless". He didn't like that response.
Usually every weekend I do stuff w/ my girls, but will definately look into going to those different places like you all suggested. Great idea! We do movies, eating out to their fav restaurant, shopping (ofcourse), going to beach, mini vacations, etc. I always ask them what they feel like doing also as their input. But I need to get a grip on myself now that the weekend is up & I love to go out for drinks & just to dance
the night away only once a week (nobody's perfect). I was worried since I was hurting so much yesterday, was scared I would do something I would regret later on. I'm not talking about doing drugs the other (male/female) thing.... yes that. I'm not like that @ all never have been, but lately (4 past 7 yrs) why does he deserve my loyalty? Not saying its happening, but I'm not into drugs & I only drink once a week so what's left? IDKWell I need to go to work already, I'll log back in later today keep yah informed of my status. ha! ha! Was that a little laugh? I know I still have along ways to go, its barely my 2nd day. I just want to be w/ someone who will love me back because I don't want to be alone. I really wanna thank you all again, through out the night (as we texted) I thought of what you all wrote to me. It stayed in there & I thank God for ppl like you all that don't ignore ppl like me even if we sound like a broken record. God bless you all & me, too!
Last edited by smiley70; 09-19-2008 at 08:51 AM.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
I know how it feels to just want someone to love you for you and not have all the issues... but IMO, just work on you right now and take care of the girls. Doesn't mean don't go have fun, but honey, don't complicate with another relationship. You have too much to sort out for you.
Send me a note anytime. And keep coming back here... we all know how this feels.
Send me a note anytime. And keep coming back here... we all know how this feels.
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