urs

I originally posted this in the Parenting section, but it seems this area gets a little more traffic, so I will try it here. Moderators, feel free to delete my prior post if necessary.

I joined this forum while looking for ways to deal with my ex. I am feeling pretty desperate.

I am not an addict myself, but I was raised by one, and I married one. We have been divorced for four years, and we have a little girl together, who will be 5 in November.

He got sober from drugs, mainly pot and meth, about six months after we split, mainly because I threatened to turn him in and revoke his visitation if he didn't. From there, he seemed to make some positive changes, getting -and keeping - a job, and buying his first house.

I am nearly positive he has been clean this whole time, but he's not really "sober", you know? In the last several months, his life has fallen apart. My daughter just went to spend a few hours at his house tonight, and she told me that his utilities had been shut off. He is about to foreclose on his house. He just broke up (at least, I think they're broken up) with an awful woman who lied to both of us, cheated on him, and refused to contribute financially to their household. His attitude towards me has become hateful and blaming, although I admit I don't help much when I complain about his irresponsible behavior, like exposing our daughter to a woman like that, or not having electricity.

He may be forced to move to a town 30 minutes away due to his work commute costing him so much. We originally had a deal that we would both stay in the same town for our daughter. Now, due to his recklessness, he may have to break the terms of that deal, and I am livid about it.

I know he cares about our daughter, but he cares about himself more. He has displayed a complete inability to prioritize, to put her first, and it's making me crazy. I know I can't force him to change, I know he has to want to. But I think what is really bothering me is my own regret. I am angry at myself for ever being involved with him, let alone having a child with him. I knew when I got pregnant what kind of person he was, and it was completely naive of me to think he would just change overnight because of our little girl. I am angry that my daughter will most likely have to suffer because of him, and I am angry at my complicitness in that.

So I guess what I'm wondering is:
1. Can I stop feeling this way? Is it possible? How do you stop worrying for your kids? If it's possible, how can I do it, or at least reduce it? How do I forgive myself?

2. I have recently resorted to being pretty critical and unhelpful towards him because I am so frustrated. I am usually more understanding, but I just feel like I've run out of patience after dealing with him these last nine years. What can I do about that?

3. Is there anything I can do to be more supportive of his sobriety? I don't want to enable him, but I can't seem to find a balance between being either really angry, or overly sympathetic towards him. Neither seems terribly productive. What are some specific steps I can take?

I'll probably be going to bed soon because I am emotionally exhausted, so you won't see much activity from me until tomorrow. But any, and I mean ANY suggestions and ideas are welcome. I am at my wit's end.

Note: I prefer secular recommendations.

hello-kitty

If it was me, I would be totally worried about letting my daughter stay at a house with no utilities and I woman that I consider awful! If anything happened to her, you would NEVER forgive yourself. I think I'd talk to a lawyer about changing my parenting plan - ESPECIALLY since he's about to break his commitment to you. It's the perfect time. You need to be your daughters advocate. That doesn't sound like the kind of environent a child should be in. Just my opinion though...

urs

That's what I worry about. I mean, it's not abuse or neglect, and I know he cares about her, but he's just such an idiot about parenting. It's really really hard for me to figure out where to draw the line, because it's so blurry (for me, anyways).

My husband and I have decided that if the ex does actually move, we will not transport our daughter to his house - he will have to drive to us to come get her. I feel that is a natural consequence to breaking our agreement. Besides, gas costs the same for us as it does for him - we would basically be taking on his commute costs as our own. I am not interested in that, and I never said I would accomodate him financially, nor should I have to.

The gf moved out, but he may still be seeing her. He says they've broken up, but it wouldn't surprise me to find out that he was lying about that. She was supposedly the "love of his life" and he let her ruin a lot of good things he had going for him. It's this type of decision making that terrifies me.

He has a really bad habit of moving girlfriends in within weeks of the beginning of the relationship. He's on his fourth one in as many years, and they always have kids that end up getting moved in, too. I know my daughter is confused about this, because she has asked both me and her stepdad if we're going to leave her. This breaks my heart.

I hate feeling like I'm using my daughter as a pawn. I know I'm really not, I know that I'm just trying to do what's best for her, but I hate that she has to be the one to go without because of it.

imallright

Doesn't sound like you are using your daughter sounds like you are protecting her. Do what you think is best for you and for her.

marle

Protect yourself and your daughter. Whether he is using or not, it sounds like his life is unmanageable. Hugs and Welcome to SR. Marle

hope213

urs, welcome to S.R. i am glad you are here. i would not let my daughter stay there with him untill he gets himself together. he is unstable even if he is not using. 30 minutes from you is not across the state. that is a good thing. when u do decide to let her go there it is still close enough for you to go if she needs you too. some people never change their ways if they are clean. that is why a program is so important. it is all about change. keep coming back, we r here for you.

Impurrfect

(((urs)))

Welcome to SR!

There is a lot more to recovery from addiction than being clean. Being responsible and taking care of obligations is part of it.

I think you are focused on your daughter, just as you should be.

As far as talking critical to him, I've done that. I finally just had to start thinking about what I wanted to say, and decide if it serves any purpose. It has taken me a long time, and a lot of biting my tongue, but I try to just stick to the facts. I like what someone here says....say what you mean, but don't say it mean. I slip, and I still criticize, but I'm doing it a lot less.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

mooselips

urs,
First, welcome to Sober Recovery.
And, yes I agree, that just because an addict is not using, doesn't necessarily mean their whole life becomes good, they still seem to make some strange choices, sometimes.. (as in my AS's case!)

But I think you have your priorities straight, your focusing on your daughters best interests. If you are uncomfortable, there's good reason.
Maybe with his moving, and sorting all that out, he won't be able to see her quite as much.

Otherwise, like what has been already said, I'd speak to my lawyer concerning visitation, and your daughters safety.

Hugs...you're a good mom...

gotahavfaith

Hi URS and welcome to this site. My daughter is now 23 and is recovering. But I had this situation when she was little. He would have periods of sobriety (alchol and coke) but he could never keep it together. I'm not trying to bring you down, but when he would promise to come and get her and not keep his promises it just downright would get to me. She would be waiting on the steps and he wouldn't show. So then when he got with his 2nd wife she decided that if he going to have to pay child support they were going to see her. I was taking him to court at the time and my attorney said I would have to let her go. She has never forgotten that. She has grown up around him and he does love her as much as he can (could). It is a very hard situation to be in but I believe everything will work out the way it is supposed to. She is (sort of) close to him now but knows not to expect too much. Just protect her the best way you can and when she gets old enough she will see things for herself. But that time in between is very hard. She has a good mom so she will be ok. I am praying for you.

frankly

((URS))

Hi, and welcome to SR. Do whatever you have to do to protect your daughter. Certain bounderies about visitation are a must, no power, no stay. It may be a perfect oportunity for him to take her to a park or fishing or anything that really means he spends time with her and then promptly brings her home.

If he has to move a half hour away, well, personally I think it would be good for all involved. A little distance could help seperate his problems from you and your daughters life, but still allow him to see and interact with her.

I will tell you this, from the perspective of a six year old. Lets just say my mom (and dad) were very very sick people. Mom lived in old houses without power and water, and eventually she just lived on the side of the road, but at six years old, I didn't care. I just wanted to see her, to love her and to just feel loved by her, I didn't care what surrounded us. I wanted to take care of her, I became a raging codie. My biggest concern as a 6 year old became weather or not I was loved. If anyone in my life had just stepped up and let me know that mom loved me but was just sick, that I couldn't go visit her, not because she didn't want me any more, but because it wasn't safe, then I probably wouldn't have half the abandonment issues that I have today, 40 years later.

Whatever you decide to do, just do it with love, patience and most of all open communication with your daughter, even at 5, if she doesn't understand, then you better bet she will blame herself. "It's my fault I told mommy" "It's my fault daddy has to drive that far" "It's my fault mommy is upset with daddy"......"It's my fault"

Hugs and Prayers
B

urs

Thank you everyone so much for your responses. It feels good to have some reassurance from people who understand addiction and co-dependence. I have been wondering how to broach this topic with my daughter, and Frankly, you nailed it. I think maybe the same thing would have helped me out with my dad as I was growing up, as I am just only now figuring out how sick he really is (borderline personality + dry drunk = abusive) and that the way he treated us never really had anything to do with who we are or what we did.

As someone who has tried really hard to stop being so co-dependent, it's still really easy for me to fall back into old patterns when confronted with people or situations that fit my particular form of dysfunction. It's hard for me to see clearly what is really going on, when I'm being manipulated, and what reaction I can have that will be most constructive. I become blinded by my past, and it can be difficult to not second guess myself. It's good to hear that I'm doing the right thing, because sometimes, it becomes difficult for me to distinguish the best way to handle things. I really appreciate everyone's help.

outtolunch

Sometimes, it seems to me that immature coping/self management skills leads some people to drugs. Once they get clean, the same issues that existed before are still there, maybe even worse, because the escape hatch is always an option.

I am wondering if it is possible/practical to limit his visitation to common ground instead of bringing his daughter into his revolving door home situation? Could they meet for lunch, a visit to the park, a movie, a museum or someplace other than home turf?

urs

That's a great idea. He won't do anything I request, though. He's already told me that. We would have to go to court before he would do anything that I asked. Which is probably what I will have to do - go to court. Goodbye, vacation savings!

I honestly don't know how much of a case I have, and I think it will also depend on the type of judge I get. I've dealt with one before that didn't seem terribly sympathetic to the situation and declined my request for him to have drug testing/counseling - even though at the time, my ex was using meth, stalking me, and breaking into my house! I had filed a temporary restraining order and the judge thought that he didn't seem like he posed a reasonable threat since he didn't "actually hurt" me (as in, physically). So he dropped the order and dismissed everything, and my ex laughed and smirked as he left the court room. It's so depressing to deal with a system that waits until the absolute worst happens before it will step in. I am scared of that happening again - that the judge will say that none of these factors are relevant and just dismiss it, which will only further make ex feel validated.

urs

I also am not sure what to do about certain knowledge that I have.

For instance, even though he appears to not be paying his most important bills, I know for a fact that he's been out at a bar at least twice in the last two weeks - one time, because I saw him at one, and another time, because he was speaking to his mom and told her he was in a bar, and when she talked to me later, she mentioned it (I am pretty close with his mom still). Why is he spending money on drinking when he can't even pay his bills?

Do I confront him when I find out information like this (my usual tactic), or do I just shut up? Even though it makes him mad at me when I point these things out, is there anything I gain from letting him know that I know what's going on? Or is he just more likely to lie to me in the future? (He's a terrible liar, and I eventually find out everything that he's doing anyways, whether I seek out the information or not).

What is the proper approach when I discover maddening things like this?

Also, thinking about this particular situation today, it made me think that maybe now alcohol is his DOC. I'm sure he's thinking it's better because it's legal. Of course, I also noticed that his car had apparently been in an accident, but he said nothing about it. Was he drunk driving?

Crap.

hope213

why do you want to know all of this when there is nothing you can do about it??? his recovery is his recovery. yours is yours. hands off the addict. as much as we want to help there is nothing we can do to save them from themselves. it is a long hard road with them. it took me yrs. to learn this.i wish i had know all this before i spent 1000's & 1000's & 1,000's of $$$$$$$$$$ on my addict son,bails, lawyers,rehabs & ect. he will not be ready until he is ready. sad as it is he may never be. i undestand about your daughter & i agree with the other meet him in a mutual place so he can visit your daughter & she him. more prayers for all that love him.

Freedom1990

My youngest daughter's father was never an active part of her life, with the exception of one year he made a pretty big effort and was driving the 36 miles to see her on a regular basis.

I used to be very angry at myself too for making the choices that I made in men.

Today I am grateful that God gave me the opportunity to be a mother to two daughters, and I have forgiven myself for my mistakes.

urs

I have been doing what everyone recommends, and just focusing on what I need to do. I even told him that I wasn't going to try to control his decisions anymore, and I would just have to accept whatever action he takes, and then respond accordingly, if necessary. I'm not going to try to stop him or change him. He is who he is. I hope he figures it out. But I am on my way to letting go.

Thank you all, for the encouragement and sound advice.