My boyfriend is an addict...do I stay?
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
As much as I love my AH, If i had the chance to do it all over again I would have called it quits long before I married him. My AH was in recovery when we married but I knew of his past addictions and I saw the slippery slope that he was sliding down and foolish me thought that love could conquor all and save him. Sadly it can't and it never will.
To put it nicely, living with an addict is hell.
You never know if they are lying or telling the truth but usually they are lying even when they have no reason to.
You will always question them and doubt them when they are out of your site.. that is until you start focusing on you but even then that doubt remains.
You will feel used and feel like a pawn because all the addict cares about it getting high.
You will feel like the only one that is emotionally available in the relationship because well you are the only one that is emotionally available in the relationship.
And even when you come to the realization that you can't change or fix them and that you have to let them do what they are going to do, you still worry about them and have this deep sadness for them because here you are watching someone you love destroy themselves with drugs.
I know you love him and I know you care about him but take it from me, the pain, chaos, worry, lies and sorrow, overshadow any kind of love that you can get or recieve from someone that is activly using.
I know you probably don't want to hear this but RUN........ RUN far far away from this man and don't look back. If and only if he gets clean , stays clean for at least a year or more and activly works a program, would I then even consider letting him back in my life..
((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
To put it nicely, living with an addict is hell.
You never know if they are lying or telling the truth but usually they are lying even when they have no reason to.
You will always question them and doubt them when they are out of your site.. that is until you start focusing on you but even then that doubt remains.
You will feel used and feel like a pawn because all the addict cares about it getting high.
You will feel like the only one that is emotionally available in the relationship because well you are the only one that is emotionally available in the relationship.
And even when you come to the realization that you can't change or fix them and that you have to let them do what they are going to do, you still worry about them and have this deep sadness for them because here you are watching someone you love destroy themselves with drugs.
I know you love him and I know you care about him but take it from me, the pain, chaos, worry, lies and sorrow, overshadow any kind of love that you can get or recieve from someone that is activly using.
I know you probably don't want to hear this but RUN........ RUN far far away from this man and don't look back. If and only if he gets clean , stays clean for at least a year or more and activly works a program, would I then even consider letting him back in my life..
((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
It seems that you have heard from several people who thought love would over come this and from a recovering addict.
I know that my love can't save them. My love might have some kind of influence if I do the right things instead of doing what I think my heart tells me to do.
First I have to get a better understanding of what love really is. Love doesn't take crap and it doesn't give any either. Some people call love feeling good but it is so much more than that. If I am taking and giving crap where is the love? Why do I think this person whom I think I love is capable of anything more than what I am getting right now?
Could I love someone who knows their limits and how to live a balanced and productive life? Or do I think it is my chore to teach someone how to live? If they don't know how to live by now what makes me think I could teach them this or influence them to give real life and love a shot?
Why am I associating with someone who does not have limits on their drinking and drugging and would truly rather do these things than be interested in how we can grow together as a team. Do I want to be on a loosing team? Do I want to perhaps deal with the issues of drug and alcohol use for the rest of my life? Is my life worth more to me that chasing after the love of someone who would rather chase after a drink and constantly lie about what they are doing? Is this love? If it is I do not want it...
I know that my love can't save them. My love might have some kind of influence if I do the right things instead of doing what I think my heart tells me to do.
First I have to get a better understanding of what love really is. Love doesn't take crap and it doesn't give any either. Some people call love feeling good but it is so much more than that. If I am taking and giving crap where is the love? Why do I think this person whom I think I love is capable of anything more than what I am getting right now?
Could I love someone who knows their limits and how to live a balanced and productive life? Or do I think it is my chore to teach someone how to live? If they don't know how to live by now what makes me think I could teach them this or influence them to give real life and love a shot?
Why am I associating with someone who does not have limits on their drinking and drugging and would truly rather do these things than be interested in how we can grow together as a team. Do I want to be on a loosing team? Do I want to perhaps deal with the issues of drug and alcohol use for the rest of my life? Is my life worth more to me that chasing after the love of someone who would rather chase after a drink and constantly lie about what they are doing? Is this love? If it is I do not want it...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Wishin' I was on the Beach!
Posts: 1,415
Welcome to SR, Bella! Good posts before me. I just want to add... be sure to read the sticky posts at the top of the forum... especially "What addicts Do". It will give you some insight on how an active addict thinks. I also recommend reading the book "Co-Dependent No more" by Melanie Beatty. (You can also find at a local library.)
Being the wife of an addict for 20 years now, the road has not been pretty. In the beginning, I thought if I loved him enough, if I did this or that for him, he would change. Later, I thought if I didn't do this or that for him, he would change. Then when that didn't work, I tried yelling and screaming about how he'd screwed up our lives. Surely, if he could see it the way I did, he would change? No, none of these worked. Then he was arrested... was in a 1-yr rehab. Did good that year and for a few months afterward.
The meth called him back. He wasn't done. Broke probation several times (failed drug tests). Got lucky break... was sent to 90 day rehab. Did good for month or two... same story... another lucky break... was sent to a 30 day rehab. Same story again, except this time no more lucky breaks... sentence was activated and he had to serve 2 years in prison. Has been out 9 months now, doing drugs for the last 6.
Point of story is: an addict is going to do what an addict is going to do. They will not quit until they are ready. No amount of love, begging, pleading or screaming will change them. Detaching with love, letting them suffer the consequences of their actions, is the only help we can give that truly offers them a chance.
Keep reading and learning all you can about addiction. Knowledge will empower you to make the choice thats right for you. I can say if I had known all I know now, before I got married with kids, I would never have married him.
Being the wife of an addict for 20 years now, the road has not been pretty. In the beginning, I thought if I loved him enough, if I did this or that for him, he would change. Later, I thought if I didn't do this or that for him, he would change. Then when that didn't work, I tried yelling and screaming about how he'd screwed up our lives. Surely, if he could see it the way I did, he would change? No, none of these worked. Then he was arrested... was in a 1-yr rehab. Did good that year and for a few months afterward.
The meth called him back. He wasn't done. Broke probation several times (failed drug tests). Got lucky break... was sent to 90 day rehab. Did good for month or two... same story... another lucky break... was sent to a 30 day rehab. Same story again, except this time no more lucky breaks... sentence was activated and he had to serve 2 years in prison. Has been out 9 months now, doing drugs for the last 6.
Point of story is: an addict is going to do what an addict is going to do. They will not quit until they are ready. No amount of love, begging, pleading or screaming will change them. Detaching with love, letting them suffer the consequences of their actions, is the only help we can give that truly offers them a chance.
Keep reading and learning all you can about addiction. Knowledge will empower you to make the choice thats right for you. I can say if I had known all I know now, before I got married with kids, I would never have married him.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Los Angeles CA
Posts: 11
You have all been so very helpful. There is so much love on this site and also, sadly, so much pain. I can't believe the stories you have all lived to tell. You are all truly inspirational and I wish you the best in recovering from being an addict or being with one. Neither is easy. And the strength everyone here has is unbelievably powerful. I know I will have to deal with this man for the rest of my life, whether I choose to be with him or not. But after coming here and hearing all of your great advice, I think I'm going to choose to let him come to terms with his addiction and his search for happiness within...on his own for now.
Thank you again for all of your strength and grounded advice...
As my yoga teacher says "Send love to your friends and family, but also your enemies, because they are the ones that need it the most." Sending love to all of you and to everyone who has hurt you.
Bella
Thank you again for all of your strength and grounded advice...
As my yoga teacher says "Send love to your friends and family, but also your enemies, because they are the ones that need it the most." Sending love to all of you and to everyone who has hurt you.
Bella
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Bella, first I will say welcome to SR, you have found a great place.
Now to the hard stuff. I see you live in the LA area, and there are just tons and tons of Naranon and/or Alanon meetings. I would STRONGLY suggest that you start attending. These are for YOU. These meetings will first teach you the 3 's:
You didn't CAUSE it,
You can't CONTROL it, and
You can't CURE it.
That means....................nothing, absolutely nothing you do or don't do for him will change him.
This is something he is going to have to do totally on his own. And trust us he will try and manipulate you, and addicts and alkies are great manipulators. I know, I am one, however, have been in recovery for many years now.
I have to tell you my immediate reaction to reading your first post was RUN just as fast and as hard as you can the other way. However, that is not likely to happen.
All you can do is take care of YOU. His ACTIONS not his words will show when he is in recovery. His words are just QUACKING, saying what he thinks you want to hear.
Please continue to post and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
Now to the hard stuff. I see you live in the LA area, and there are just tons and tons of Naranon and/or Alanon meetings. I would STRONGLY suggest that you start attending. These are for YOU. These meetings will first teach you the 3 's:
You didn't CAUSE it,
You can't CONTROL it, and
You can't CURE it.
That means....................nothing, absolutely nothing you do or don't do for him will change him.
This is something he is going to have to do totally on his own. And trust us he will try and manipulate you, and addicts and alkies are great manipulators. I know, I am one, however, have been in recovery for many years now.
I have to tell you my immediate reaction to reading your first post was RUN just as fast and as hard as you can the other way. However, that is not likely to happen.
All you can do is take care of YOU. His ACTIONS not his words will show when he is in recovery. His words are just QUACKING, saying what he thinks you want to hear.
Please continue to post and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hi Bella. All these posts are fabulous. I want to echo the thing about boundaries and setting them. I set my boundaries by doing the following.
Ask yourself what do you value in life? Honesty? Integrity? Kindness? Human Dignity?
Try making a list of your values, then draw personal boundaries (and the actions you will take if they are violated) based on them. They should be more about what is important to you than controling someones behavior.
For example (some of my boundaries...)
I value honesty. Therefore I will not be in relationships with people who lie to me or who I suspect are lying to me. If you lie or I suspect you are lying, I will move on.
or...
I believe that drugs are destructive and take away peoples ability to lead a full and functioning life. Therefore I will not hang around with people who use drugs. If someone uses drugs in front of me or I suspect they are on drugs, I will leave the situation or ask them to leave immediately.
or
I value respect. I respect others and I expect others to treat me with respect. If someone is disrespectful to me, I will make them leave and not allow them to be part of my life.
I reserve the right to enforce my boundaries, change my boundaries or create new boundaries for my self at anytime.
Ask yourself what do you value in life? Honesty? Integrity? Kindness? Human Dignity?
Try making a list of your values, then draw personal boundaries (and the actions you will take if they are violated) based on them. They should be more about what is important to you than controling someones behavior.
For example (some of my boundaries...)
I value honesty. Therefore I will not be in relationships with people who lie to me or who I suspect are lying to me. If you lie or I suspect you are lying, I will move on.
or...
I believe that drugs are destructive and take away peoples ability to lead a full and functioning life. Therefore I will not hang around with people who use drugs. If someone uses drugs in front of me or I suspect they are on drugs, I will leave the situation or ask them to leave immediately.
or
I value respect. I respect others and I expect others to treat me with respect. If someone is disrespectful to me, I will make them leave and not allow them to be part of my life.
I reserve the right to enforce my boundaries, change my boundaries or create new boundaries for my self at anytime.
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Bella Bionda
Nice Name, beautiful blond!
First of all may I say how sorry I am that yet another person is suffering because a loved one is using and making all the wrong choices!
That said, I got the feeling you know what the answer is to your question.
If you don't, then I would suggest that you run for cover real quick and tell the abf to come and see you after he is clean and sober for 1 year.
You need to know that addicts lie every single time they open their mouths. Promises mean nothing, just empty words. They just need someone to stick around to take care of their needs, which may include stealing!
I hope this is a long-distance romance because it is much easier to detach when you are not around the chaos.
Yep, Bella, run for cover!
Hugs and prayers coming your way,
Devastated
First of all may I say how sorry I am that yet another person is suffering because a loved one is using and making all the wrong choices!
That said, I got the feeling you know what the answer is to your question.
If you don't, then I would suggest that you run for cover real quick and tell the abf to come and see you after he is clean and sober for 1 year.
You need to know that addicts lie every single time they open their mouths. Promises mean nothing, just empty words. They just need someone to stick around to take care of their needs, which may include stealing!
I hope this is a long-distance romance because it is much easier to detach when you are not around the chaos.
Yep, Bella, run for cover!
Hugs and prayers coming your way,
Devastated
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Los Angeles CA
Posts: 11
Ha! Thanks. My sisters and I joke about that name (Bella Bionda) because when I lived in Italy I would get harassed because of my blonde hair and they would shout it at me and follow me like I was some sort of weird creature..."ciao bella bionda!" Believe me...you don't have to be a beautiful blonde to be harassed by those crazy Italians! So it's not me being full of myself, I swear. Maybe I should change my name on here...
Anyway, thank you for the advice. I do know what to do now and I'm very thankful for everyone's input. I feel so niave to think he is or was being honest with me but I refuse to let him ruin my passion for life or make me not believe in the good of people. I'm a true romantic at heart and believe everyone has something good in them deep down. However, when you're being controlled by a substance then you're not human anymore. It's almost this robotic/animal instinct that takes over. And it's evil. I've seen it in his eyes.
I hope this post helps anyone else that could be in a similar situation to mine. It's just not enough to love someone. And that breaks my heart. But I'd rather have a broken heart than a broken life.
Anyway, thank you for the advice. I do know what to do now and I'm very thankful for everyone's input. I feel so niave to think he is or was being honest with me but I refuse to let him ruin my passion for life or make me not believe in the good of people. I'm a true romantic at heart and believe everyone has something good in them deep down. However, when you're being controlled by a substance then you're not human anymore. It's almost this robotic/animal instinct that takes over. And it's evil. I've seen it in his eyes.
I hope this post helps anyone else that could be in a similar situation to mine. It's just not enough to love someone. And that breaks my heart. But I'd rather have a broken heart than a broken life.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Speaking of hoping this post helps people.... it helps me 
However, there have been many times that I get the courage and I separate and plan on never looking back - but then we end up back together.
I might be wrong.... but what I have found is to not make any promises you don't think you can keep...... and/or sticking with ultimatums. What I have found is it's best to just keep working on myself and bettering myself so that a type of relationship filled with lies and drug abuse won't appeal to me. Like addicts, I have to reach my bottom! I hope and I pray that I only get better and I don't get worse. I have a quick turn around when it comes to being angry and hurt.... I don't like feeling that way - so I get over things quickly. EVENTUALLY - I learn to not put my hand in the fire and that I'm just over it. It's like the lyrics in this song...... "empty" - ray lamontagne
"well i looked my demons in the eyes,
laid bare my chest, said do your best, destroy me.
you see, i've been to hell and back so many times,
i must admit you kind of bore me. "
Everyone here is going to say to run... run as fast as you can. Common sense tells me you should do the same; however, you are your own person - and that is something you have to come to terms with on your own.
Suffering our own consequences is what it comes down to. I'm now suffering some major ones - and you know what? It's MY life.... I am going to keep on keeping on - working on myself. That is all we have control over - OURSELVES.
So - look after you. When you lie your head to sleep at night- think of what you have done for you - how you have been good to yourself - and good to others. Keep your side of the street clean - guilt is a real biatch..... and that is what keeps me going in the dark side.... if that makes sense?
I'm kind of rambling - but I hope some of it has hit home.
Peace xoxoxo
PS..... something that STILL surprises me is how much of our stories sound the same when we are in love with an addict. Addicts are a breed of their own, if you will. It's whether or not you subscribe to it - when things can start changing. There is a road map in addiction - and there is one of recovery......... what one do you think you'll want to subscribe to?
However, there have been many times that I get the courage and I separate and plan on never looking back - but then we end up back together.
I might be wrong.... but what I have found is to not make any promises you don't think you can keep...... and/or sticking with ultimatums. What I have found is it's best to just keep working on myself and bettering myself so that a type of relationship filled with lies and drug abuse won't appeal to me. Like addicts, I have to reach my bottom! I hope and I pray that I only get better and I don't get worse. I have a quick turn around when it comes to being angry and hurt.... I don't like feeling that way - so I get over things quickly. EVENTUALLY - I learn to not put my hand in the fire and that I'm just over it. It's like the lyrics in this song...... "empty" - ray lamontagne
"well i looked my demons in the eyes,
laid bare my chest, said do your best, destroy me.
you see, i've been to hell and back so many times,
i must admit you kind of bore me. "
Everyone here is going to say to run... run as fast as you can. Common sense tells me you should do the same; however, you are your own person - and that is something you have to come to terms with on your own.
Suffering our own consequences is what it comes down to. I'm now suffering some major ones - and you know what? It's MY life.... I am going to keep on keeping on - working on myself. That is all we have control over - OURSELVES.
So - look after you. When you lie your head to sleep at night- think of what you have done for you - how you have been good to yourself - and good to others. Keep your side of the street clean - guilt is a real biatch..... and that is what keeps me going in the dark side.... if that makes sense?
I'm kind of rambling - but I hope some of it has hit home.
Peace xoxoxo
PS..... something that STILL surprises me is how much of our stories sound the same when we are in love with an addict. Addicts are a breed of their own, if you will. It's whether or not you subscribe to it - when things can start changing. There is a road map in addiction - and there is one of recovery......... what one do you think you'll want to subscribe to?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Los Angeles CA
Posts: 11
No, you're not rambling at all. In fact, I understand completely. I'm exactly where you are. I get over things too easily and quickly because I don't want to waste my time being angry or unhappy. I try and go to yoga, run, laugh, dream...all to clear my head from the relationship I'm in. I focus so much on myself and our relationship that I end up carrying our relationship for the both of us. I end up having a relationship with myself. Which leads me to believe, if I'm already in this with myself...why am I so afraid to leave?
You're right. We chose our lives. We chose to live with each decision we make and our choices shape who we are. But I wonder, if I choose to succum to my own battle with happiness...then what makes me any different than him?
You're right. We chose our lives. We chose to live with each decision we make and our choices shape who we are. But I wonder, if I choose to succum to my own battle with happiness...then what makes me any different than him?
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Ciao Bella:
Italians love blonds! Mr. Dev is from Italy! He is the best! How long did you live in Italy? My step-daughter is blond and when we were in Italy visiting la famiglia, they went crazy for her.
At one point we had a flock of those darling Italian boys following us. My comment to her was, "did you notice how many men I have been attracting since I've been on this pasegiata with you?" LOL
Hugs, Devastated
At one point we had a flock of those darling Italian boys following us. My comment to her was, "did you notice how many men I have been attracting since I've been on this pasegiata with you?" LOL
Hugs, Devastated
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Wishin' I was on the Beach!
Posts: 1,415
Originally Posted by BellaBionda 
I focus so much on myself and our relationship that I end up carrying our relationship for the both of us. I end up having a relationship with myself. Which leads me to believe, if I'm already in this with myself...why am I so afraid to leave?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
b.b. welcome to S.R. nobody can tell you to leave, that is your choice. it is a rough life with an addict. what kind of life do you want? let go or get dragged.... prayers for u 7 him & all that love him. keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 12
belle
i would not run i would drive ,skate, skateboard if possible,out of this relationship,speaking from experience and two kids later,a life of empty promise and torment,he will lie,use cheat,steal,apolige all in that order all your life long days ,do you good to read the thread WHAT ADDICTS DO.if your this stressed over him now try doing it with a child on your hip,,,,i always say once a liar always a liar and they can do it like breathing,think about your future is this what you want to be doing years from now ,lookin for help for some man who has no respect for himself ,never mind you ,escape now your only think your addicted your not .
:atv
:atv
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