Lost83

I just found out that my high school sweet heart, husband of almost 3 years, been togther for almost 10 years is addicted to opiates. The rude awakening came on the Sunday of 4th of July weekend when I was startled out of my sleep at 9 am by a police officer banging on my bedroom window. When I answered the door he said I needed to come pick up my son and my car that my husband had been arrested for possesion. My son is 10 months old; we tried for 2 years to conceive before being successful. I am so angry and hurt. I don't know what to do. This was his first time being arrested. When I called the jail they said if he wasn't bailed out and saw the judge the next day they would most likely tell him he couldn't have any contact with our child. Even though he screwed up, he is an amazing father and I needed to know what the hell was going through his head, so I found a way to bail him out. I have noticed changes in him in the past year, he has been distant, irritable, lythargic, he lost 20 pounds, he was very secretive. His phone was always on silent. He usually took his calls outside, he ran to the store numerous times and was always on the go. He didn't spend much time away from the house but he did have to run out quite often. When I would offer to go somewhere with him he would ask if he could just go. I've had to watch the bank account because he wouldn't bring me receipts obviously because he was getting cash back at every store he went to so he could feed his addiction. On some level I knew, I guess I was in denial. I thought something was medically wrong with him. i sent him to his doctor and they put him on lexapro, and said he has a chemical depression. We lost his Mom last year about 2 weeks before I delivered the baby, his grandmother passed away last may and we lost his Dad 3 years ago. I know this hurt him ALOT!! He has been clean for 33 days. He has been going to NA since he detoxed in July, he likes it and now has sponsor who is amazing.

We went to court last week and he is in a drug court program and if he completes it, he won't have a record.

I am so hurt. I have to let him focus on himself before we can work on us, but I am hurting, confused, sad, every bad emotion a person could possibly feel runs through my body at somepoint. The part that hurts the most is that the man I love has been living a 2nd life, all alone. No one knew of this. He didn't do this with friends and family. It was a private thing for him. The pieces finally fit and I should have gone with my gut. He was in denial for so long so when I questioned him he got defensive and we argued. I am learning about all these things he has done to feed his addiction and keep it a secret and each time I find something else out, I cringe and cannot believe this is the man I fell in love with. This ISN"T the man I fell in love with, he is someone else. He admitted that the past year he has lived a lie each day to feed his habit. How do I cope? I am trying to be the glue that holds this family together. I don't want to lose him to this disease and I am trying to understand but how do you come back from hurt like this? How can I support him when I am falling apart? I need to be strong for my son first and foremost. I am grateful that he admitted that he has a problem and I almost think he wanted to get caught. I am thankful his is still alive. I had no idea. How can I put my anger and hurt aside for the moment to help him and deal with my hurt when he is well into recovery?

marle

Welcome to SR. The addict in my life is my daughter. She was also using opiates, including heroin. For a long time I, too, lived in denial about what she was doing. She was 18 when she started experimenting with drugs. When she started to take opiates, that is when she could no longer hide the fact that something was wrong. I had to find a way to detach from her addiction or go crazy myself. This place helped me a lot, as did reading anything I could get my hands on about addiction and seeing a counselor. I also have started to attend meetings and it really helps to know that I am not alone. If there are Al-Anon or Nar-anon meetings close to you please try them. Also stick around here and read and post and vent. It really does help. Hugs, Marle

Abundance

Hi.... welcome to SR!

You are amongst friends who understand all that you are feeling and what you are going through. I am also in a relationship with an opiate addict. (oxy / painkillers).

You have asked some really good questions..... I have been there (still am).

The best thing you can do - is keep looking after yourself. Keep yourself as the main focus and not lose yourself in his addiction. Check out the stickies up top and if you haven't tried al-anon yet - give it a try. They say to go to 6 meetings before deciding it's not something for you. Personally, along with this site - I find the meetings to be extremely helpful.

Congrats to your hubby for his clean time and for working a program. That is wonderful!

It takes time to build trust... and seeing ACTION..... for the healing to begin in your relationship.

Keep posting!!!

mooselips

Lost83,
Welcome to S.R.
I am the mother of a 35 year old addicted son, from what I see he had a problem long before he was ever in trouble, because that was when I found out. Naive? Denial? Doesn't matter too much now.

The best thing you can do for your husband, son, and YOU, is to start attending meetings. See if you can find some NarAnon, or AlAnon meetings in your area, heaven knows, they helped me get a grip on my sanity.

Keep posting, we're all here for you...

Hugs,

wenchris

Welcome! I am the Mom of a 23 year old son who is addicted to opiates who has lost his 2 year old and newborn son's. I find reading other's posts reflect so much of what I am trying to deal with that it helps me. I think, Okay, other people are putting one foot in frony of the other and I can do it,too. I also have a counselor that is helping me to keep things in perspective.

You have found a good place! Wen

Troubledone

Lost 83

When I first came to this site 3 years ago, I had hoped all my troubles with my meth-addicted niece could be fixed quickly.

The reality is that the disease of addiction must be managed by the addict.

What I have learned we can do is:

Attend meetings and get support for ourselves for the long haul
love them and at the same time set very firm boundaries that give us a way to take care of ourselves
Learn what you can about addiction so you know what to expect.

Addiction is a chronic (it can't be "cured") and progressive (it gets worse over time if not managed) disease. The most commonly effective way to manage it is through abstinance and a 12 step program.

Therefore, it will be important for your husband to get and stay clean and admit when he's relapsed so he can get back on track.

I wish you all the best. I read somewhere that 1/3 of addicts get and stay clean right away after some event intervenes, another 1/3 relapse a few times but find sobriety at some point and unfortunately 1/3 sink deeper and deeper.

I pray your husband is in the first 1/3. In the event he is in the second 1/3, I pray you get the support you need to work through it -- and I don't even want to talk abou the last 1/3.

Keep posting, please find an Al Anon or Nar Anon meeting. Not only is there support there, but folks tend to know about resources that you might not hear of otherwise.

God Bless

imallright

Welcome! You have made a big step already by deciding to come here and look for support. The suggestions for attending meetings are great. It is overwhelming at first, but the support that you can find can help you to find your way. Take care of you. It is great that your husband is getting help and moving along. So much loss in such a short period of time... I am sure his world was rocked. Hopefully, he has found the light and will stay clean.

Keep coming back here. There lots of us who are here to help and to share... and you will learn how much your thoughts help everyone else. Go hug the baby! HUGS to you!

Lost83

Thank you all for your responses, I have been avoiding the meetings for months. I can think of every excuse in the book to not go. I did show up to one meeting and there were 2 cars in the whole lot so I didn't even go in. I wanted to observe and listen and with 2 cars, the focus on me would have been too much pressure. I've never been very good at sharing my problems with others. This is the second forum I have signed up to. The other I have been on since July when this all took place. I get really good advice from a lot of people but this is the first I found that specifically has a forum for friends and family of the addict. I read all the addicts stories on my other forum which helps me understand what he is going through and I get some recovering addicts who are amazing and give me lots of great advice and insight as to what my hubby is going through. I am hoping by reading and sharing on this forum it will help me understand that I am not alone.

Still not big on the meetings idea. Not sure if I ever will be. I love my sharing through writing rather than face to face, just isn't my thing. Maybe one day I will change my mind but for now, I am using this as my tool. I have read the steps and traditions but do understand I can't work the program alone. I am just not ready for this. I don't think anyone ever really is ready I guess I am just not ready to jump in yet. If that makes any sense?!

What are stickies??

mooselips

(((Lost83)))
Good morning sweetie.
The meetings are for YOU. and the best part is you do not have to say ONE THING in those meetings if you don't want to, it is YOUR choice.

Maybe those 2 cars held 6 people each?




The stickies are on the very top of the Friends and Family Forum main page.

The first one says "Looking for "let me fall" and so on....

Hugs, and have a great day...

lightseeker

you've received excellent "resourcing" in the posts above. I whole heartedly second it all. I do want to extend a welcome to you and am glad that you have found us. This is a wonderful group that can definitely understand what you are going through. It's a group that has helped me so much because it encourages me to take good care of myself and focus on me. Not saying that it is easy but it is do-able.

My addict is my sober husband. He doesn't work a recovery program or go to groups at all. I do - it's a journey that I started 3 years ago when I learned the extent of his addiction. His primary DOC was crack but he liked everything. He's had 3+ years of sobriety now.

Keep coming back - and welcome.

Impurrfect

Welcome to SR!

I'm a recovering addict AND a recovering codie (codependent). I've lived through my own addiction and left behind the last boyfriend, who is still using.

What everyone says is true..make yourself and your son a priority. I'm glad your husband is working on recovery, but it's only natural for you to have a lot of bad feelings...must feel like you've been living with a stranger.

I have never gone to an al-anon meeting, but I do know they help a lot of people. I was raised by a mom, who went to al-anon, and have read a lot of books, like "codependent no more" by Melody Beattie. I also stick close to SR

We all find our own path to recovery, just as the addict does. Whatever you do, just keep your focus on you and your son.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

NeedingHelp7

Hello Lost83,

Welcome my devastated one!!! I know how you feel!!! I too have an opiate AH. I let go of him. I couldn't handle his day to day lies, and crisis's. He still likes to sneak the crisis's in, but now I don't allow them, engage in them, have to find out about them, etc.... I finally just let him....BE.

I found Alanon, and wish I would have found it years ago, it would have saved me some sanity at lot sooner. I found SR, and wished I'd have found it years ago too.

You keep coming back. You need us!

Love and Huggs,
NH7

Lost83

Thank you all for your support. Things have been a rollercoaster for me these past few months. I don't really have good days anymore. Although he isn't using he still has this pattern of addictive behaviors as far as his attitude, the manipulation and the lies. It sucks not to be able to trust him. I don't want to be his Mom, I don't want to look over his shoulder with every move that he makes but I can't afford to be passive and overlook anything or he will take that sign of weakness and use it to manipulate me.

I am proud of him for his 34 days but he has stumbled a few times between now and July when he got caught. He stole $20 from my Mom's purse, he broke into my Dad's room and stole xanax from him. He pawned my great grandmothers ring and when I found out after he got arrested he said he could still get it from the pawn shop so I told him that would be a good idea (I was LIVID), so on his way there, he stopped to get high and then lied right to my face about it. I could have killed him. I kicked him out, made his Aunt come get him and take him to his meeting adn told her not to bring him back. Needless to say he walked home and fessed up to his relapse.

Now that he has 34 days under his belt, I can't bring these things up but I am still very angry about all he has put us through. I have been on my own since 16 and now we are living with my father, which is a good thing becuase I don't know what I would have done if he got arrested and we were still living on our own. I couldn't have afforded to bail him out. Looking back it looks like I made the right choice but it is so early in his recovery I guess it's too soon to tell.

I am sure you all know the list of almost unspeakable things that our loved ones do to us during their active addiction, I could go on and on forever. Sometimes I just feel like doing this to him

I guess I am stuggling with forgiveness. I don't know how to forgive some of the awful things he has done and put our entire family through. Sometimes I can barely look at him.

He is still lying to me, about stupid things but what he isn't comprehending is that a lie by omission, is still a lie. I am surprised that he hasn't learned by now that he isn't going to get anyhting by me, I don't fall for any of his crap anymore. I know exactly when he is lying adn he may not choose to tell me the truth but I let him know that I know he isn't telling the truth. I just hope as time goes by that I am able to learn to forgive him for all the of terrible things he has done. I am standing beside him to support him I am just scared that he may have gone to far and our relationship maybe ruined. I can't imagine my life without him but right now my life with him isn't what it used to be. I miss him so much

Lost83

Ok so another week down, and the weekend is here. I am so exhausted from the load I have to carry now that my husband is gone most of the time at various meetings, he goes M,T,W & F to his court ordered drug program and he goes Thurs, Fri, S & SUn to NA. I am basically living like a single Mom with 2 incomes. I am happy he is doing what needs to be done but that leaves no time for me to even think about any sort of recovery for myself, which I desperately need. I'll be the first to admit, I don't want to go, but I can't continue like this. I am so angry. I am just not the same person I was, you would think I was the addict. I wish I had time for myself.

My AH is doing well, he is sober but still lies to me. I always know (i think?) and he finally fesses up when I confront him. He is lying about little things that wouldn't matter to me one way or another. The other day I got home from work and he was there, sitting on the couch waiting for me to get there so he could take the car and go to his meeting and I asked why he didn't do anything (clean up the house) he said he got home from work late. Well he came to me a couple days after that meeting and they had everyone write down what they lied about that day and he read it to me. It made me mad, but I just thanked him for being honest with me.

I don't get it, I share everything with him. I have no fear of being rejected or of him condemning me for my actions or decisions. I am an adult and I have no reason to lie or hide anything. I am by no means perfect but what's the point of lying, I am the only going to suffer the consequences of my own actions. I hate feeling like I am his Mom or Warden instead of his wife.

Does the pain ever subside? Will I ever be able to forgive him for creating such turmoil in our lives when we should be spending our free time with our son, whom we wanted so badly and tried for 2 years to conceive? I barely have time to sit with our son and just play with him.

I miss my old life. Things were so great and I hate to say it but we have had a bad time since I got pregnant. Now our son is 1 year old so it's been a while since things have been peachy. It's not fair to our son to grow up in such chaos. I need to find a way to balance everything because right now, it's just not working for me.

hope213

welcome to s.r. i am sorry i was late coming in on this. there is alot of info here. i hope you find a meeting to go to. get a sponsor & keep coming back here. lots of caring people here that will walk thru this with you. i am so glad your son & husband are ok. hugs & prayers,

funkzter

Hi Lost,
i also wanted to welcome you on board our crazy journey to recovery (yes because we WILL recover ;P
I have been in a relationship for 8 years with a heroin addict. The difference is i've known all along that he was one. In his case it was difficult to hide it anyway, especially the last 3 years...
He is now in rehab, clean for 3 months and hoping he'll finally get it this time...
Glad your hubby is finally facing his demons and all my thoughts for you three.
x
Carine

NeedingHelp7

Lost I understand how you feel. I went to a few Alanon meetings back in 2005 after AH disappeared the first time, and ended in a hospital, stoned out of his mind. I stopped the meetings, and then returned this past year. I remember hearing, "Come to 6 meetings, and if you don't like it, we will gladly refund your misery!" I was miserable for 1 1/2 yrs, until I returned to Alanon again. The misery is now leaving...thank God!!

You don't have to speak in the meetings, just listening, gaining strength, and wisdom from others who have walked your road help. And....They just love Newcomers. :-)

Please Go.... at least 6 meetings...I promise you will happy you did.

NH

Lost83

Thank you all for the warm welcome. Things are ok..... for today. I am attending an NA hosted bowling event w/ my hubby tonight. He is so excited. Tomorrow is his sponsor's 6 year anniversary so I intend on going to the meeting with him to congratulate his sponsor, he truly is an amazing person.

Sometimes I feel like I need to attend the naranon meetings and other times I feel like these forums are my support. I know it cannot take the place of an actual face to face discussion but right now, it is more convenient for me. I know all of you must have had to inconvenience yourself to attend these meetings but from what I understnad, it's well worth it. I can't keep making excuses, it makes me as bad as him but I just don't want to go!!

I was in counseling from 7-14 years old because my parents gave me up for their addiction. Thank God that my Aunt (mom's sister) adopted me and now is considered my mother and I have a father and 3 sisters. It's still weird looking from the outside in, but it is very comfortable for me. Long story short, I have dealt with addiction all my life and it SUCKS! Now i have to deal with it because of someone i CHOOSE to be with, it sucks even more. But most of all, I never ever want my son to endure the pain that I did knowing that my parents chose addiction over me at the tender age of 7 is when my Mom decided she couldn't raise me anymore. It was in my best interest and I give her that credit but at the same time, I still can't udnerstnad how someone could choose drugs over someone they brought into the world. Anywho, thanks for listening and let me vent. I am done boo hooing for the night. I will check in with you all soon. \

Thanks again for the warm welcome!