How do they become who they become? long
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: forest city
Posts: 28
How do they become who they become? long
Just figured I'd post on what lead my b/f to become an addict, and land him where he is today. After all something had to happen to all of them to make them want to, whether it be childhood, or just peer pressure or maybe something else. What made your addict become an addict?
His mother had him when she was 16, I don't know for sure if she used drugs while she was pregnant, but I do know that while he was growing up his mother was in a bad place herself. She is clean now, has her life together, owns a business, goes to church, married to a very nice man, and is doing well, but when he was growing up he basically had no mother. She didn't take care of him, or his brother, she left them to cook for themselves most of the time, didn't wash their clothes, would leave them home alone when they were like 4 and 6. He was taking care and cooking for his younger brother when he was just 6...that is crazy. She was always high on something, and would treat them very badly, and beat them when she was on drugs. They watched her do the drugs as well. She would bring strange men home while their father was out of town driving a truck for weeks at a time, so from a young age he was shown that women cheat, and lie. She would have sex in front of her children sometimes. She got divorced, and married a new man than changed her when my brian was 15. But at this point he already had 15 years of damage, he says she never even said she loved him that he can remember until he was 16. At 15 he started using drugs, by 16 he dropped out of school and was running wild. She couldn't control him, they both basically felt like she had done drugs for so long that she had no place to tell him to stop, so she didn't. She let him do whatever he wanted, and what he wanted was drugs and more drugs. (btw he's 26 now) Since then he's been through it all, every woman he's ever dated has cheated on him, they really brought his self esteem down, made him feel worthless, they were users also so they majorly enabled him to do more drugs, and the way they treated him made it worse. He at one point tried to commit suicide, almost did, then went into treatment, didn't work, became homeless, which made him realize he wanted a different life, went through a lot, then relapsed again after his g/f at the time had a miscarriage and left him after telling him it might not have been his anyways. About a year before I met him he had gotten clean again, was living with his mother, and she controlled basically his whole life to accomplish this. She had his money, he had no key to the house, and he had to ask permission to breathe basically. Which I somewhat understand because he put her through a lot, although if she had been a mother I feel like his life would be a whole diff picture. When we met he was clean, had been for about a year, of course when we first met I had no idea about his past. Most people don't share those kinds of things on a first date. Well, we fell in love fast, probably too fast. He moved in with me after about 3 months, I've never dealt with an addict so I didn't know how bad giving an addict complete freedom was. He now had control of his own money, and I made it a point that we could both hang out with our friends, but I'd prefer if he did it while I was at work that way we still had time together when we were off work. Well, I didn't know every single friend he had was an existing drug addict, so it was almost like I said HERE TAKE DRUGS!!! But I didn't know. And when he first started using again I didn't see the signs, because at the time I didn't know them, ha now I do. But I don't do drugs, never have, never will. I drink on occasion, but nothing more. So when he admitted he'd been taking the occasional pill or something I thought well thats not really that big of a deal, its not like its crack or anything. Well, for an addict that got him spiraling down his path again, and down he went. He started doing crack again which is the only drug he has a problem quitting. We've been together for almost a year now, and its been a rough one. We've been through almost anything you can think of in that year, I got him checked into the hospital for threatening suicide, thought maybe they would make him get help, well he was there for a day and a half..no good. He didn't resent me for it tho, he took it as a sign that he needed help. So we started going to counseling with his preacher, I'm not really sure that this helped anything except it helped us realize we needed to talk openly and be honest with each other...so since then he is very honest with me about everything...even about stuff he doesn't have to be. i left him, we got back together, he moved back in...things were fine, and then they werent again. one of his biggest issues that triggers his addiction and need for drugs is feeling worthless, no self esteem, every girl has always cheated on him, and I mean bad very bad things, one girl was having sex while on the phone with him, then sent him a text of it, wtf that is awful. he is very worried about his "size", several of his ex's apparently said they cheated b/c he was small. I tell him I don't understand this b/c its not the case, I told him they probably just wanted to hurt him, afterall all of these women were addicts as well, and some people are just cruel for no reason and then add drugs and there you go. He really thinks that I am going to cheat on him, and that is not the case, I never have, I never will, I'm just not that type of person, especially knowing his past. Well he left me about 2 months ago, said he couldn't take the pain anymore, he was better off alone not having to worry about someone cheating on him, got his old job back that made him be out of town all the time, and for about a week we didn't talk at all. Then we started talking as friends, and well we love each other. This time around I'm living with my parents, he's living with his aunt and uncle, we basically see each other on the weekends when we're both off, and it gives us a chance to miss each other. He still worries about me being faithful, and I ALWAYS worry about him doing drugs when I know he has money. But from now on he's gonna take care of his own money, if he can't be clean unless I'm his mom then it'll never work long term. He's slipped twice in the past 3 months, its very hard to deal with. He's only been clean for a little over a week this time. I'm starting to track it on a calender this time around, hopefully he doesn't slip up anymore. I'm taking a lie detector test on the 24th, that is like my ultimate proof that I don't cheat, if he is still overly worried after I pass then I'll have to consider moving on, but he feels that it will help him, and I'm already prepared for it not helping him, I'm not guaranteeing myself that he won't do drugs just because I do this, but I have hope in my heart that him "knowing" will help him not want them anymore. He is trying, I can see change. He is about to get promoted at work so I think that will help with his self confidence also, All I can do is hope, and pray. Sorry so long...but I'm just trying to see if any of you see similar life events that have lead them where they currently are???
alli:praying
His mother had him when she was 16, I don't know for sure if she used drugs while she was pregnant, but I do know that while he was growing up his mother was in a bad place herself. She is clean now, has her life together, owns a business, goes to church, married to a very nice man, and is doing well, but when he was growing up he basically had no mother. She didn't take care of him, or his brother, she left them to cook for themselves most of the time, didn't wash their clothes, would leave them home alone when they were like 4 and 6. He was taking care and cooking for his younger brother when he was just 6...that is crazy. She was always high on something, and would treat them very badly, and beat them when she was on drugs. They watched her do the drugs as well. She would bring strange men home while their father was out of town driving a truck for weeks at a time, so from a young age he was shown that women cheat, and lie. She would have sex in front of her children sometimes. She got divorced, and married a new man than changed her when my brian was 15. But at this point he already had 15 years of damage, he says she never even said she loved him that he can remember until he was 16. At 15 he started using drugs, by 16 he dropped out of school and was running wild. She couldn't control him, they both basically felt like she had done drugs for so long that she had no place to tell him to stop, so she didn't. She let him do whatever he wanted, and what he wanted was drugs and more drugs. (btw he's 26 now) Since then he's been through it all, every woman he's ever dated has cheated on him, they really brought his self esteem down, made him feel worthless, they were users also so they majorly enabled him to do more drugs, and the way they treated him made it worse. He at one point tried to commit suicide, almost did, then went into treatment, didn't work, became homeless, which made him realize he wanted a different life, went through a lot, then relapsed again after his g/f at the time had a miscarriage and left him after telling him it might not have been his anyways. About a year before I met him he had gotten clean again, was living with his mother, and she controlled basically his whole life to accomplish this. She had his money, he had no key to the house, and he had to ask permission to breathe basically. Which I somewhat understand because he put her through a lot, although if she had been a mother I feel like his life would be a whole diff picture. When we met he was clean, had been for about a year, of course when we first met I had no idea about his past. Most people don't share those kinds of things on a first date. Well, we fell in love fast, probably too fast. He moved in with me after about 3 months, I've never dealt with an addict so I didn't know how bad giving an addict complete freedom was. He now had control of his own money, and I made it a point that we could both hang out with our friends, but I'd prefer if he did it while I was at work that way we still had time together when we were off work. Well, I didn't know every single friend he had was an existing drug addict, so it was almost like I said HERE TAKE DRUGS!!! But I didn't know. And when he first started using again I didn't see the signs, because at the time I didn't know them, ha now I do. But I don't do drugs, never have, never will. I drink on occasion, but nothing more. So when he admitted he'd been taking the occasional pill or something I thought well thats not really that big of a deal, its not like its crack or anything. Well, for an addict that got him spiraling down his path again, and down he went. He started doing crack again which is the only drug he has a problem quitting. We've been together for almost a year now, and its been a rough one. We've been through almost anything you can think of in that year, I got him checked into the hospital for threatening suicide, thought maybe they would make him get help, well he was there for a day and a half..no good. He didn't resent me for it tho, he took it as a sign that he needed help. So we started going to counseling with his preacher, I'm not really sure that this helped anything except it helped us realize we needed to talk openly and be honest with each other...so since then he is very honest with me about everything...even about stuff he doesn't have to be. i left him, we got back together, he moved back in...things were fine, and then they werent again. one of his biggest issues that triggers his addiction and need for drugs is feeling worthless, no self esteem, every girl has always cheated on him, and I mean bad very bad things, one girl was having sex while on the phone with him, then sent him a text of it, wtf that is awful. he is very worried about his "size", several of his ex's apparently said they cheated b/c he was small. I tell him I don't understand this b/c its not the case, I told him they probably just wanted to hurt him, afterall all of these women were addicts as well, and some people are just cruel for no reason and then add drugs and there you go. He really thinks that I am going to cheat on him, and that is not the case, I never have, I never will, I'm just not that type of person, especially knowing his past. Well he left me about 2 months ago, said he couldn't take the pain anymore, he was better off alone not having to worry about someone cheating on him, got his old job back that made him be out of town all the time, and for about a week we didn't talk at all. Then we started talking as friends, and well we love each other. This time around I'm living with my parents, he's living with his aunt and uncle, we basically see each other on the weekends when we're both off, and it gives us a chance to miss each other. He still worries about me being faithful, and I ALWAYS worry about him doing drugs when I know he has money. But from now on he's gonna take care of his own money, if he can't be clean unless I'm his mom then it'll never work long term. He's slipped twice in the past 3 months, its very hard to deal with. He's only been clean for a little over a week this time. I'm starting to track it on a calender this time around, hopefully he doesn't slip up anymore. I'm taking a lie detector test on the 24th, that is like my ultimate proof that I don't cheat, if he is still overly worried after I pass then I'll have to consider moving on, but he feels that it will help him, and I'm already prepared for it not helping him, I'm not guaranteeing myself that he won't do drugs just because I do this, but I have hope in my heart that him "knowing" will help him not want them anymore. He is trying, I can see change. He is about to get promoted at work so I think that will help with his self confidence also, All I can do is hope, and pray. Sorry so long...but I'm just trying to see if any of you see similar life events that have lead them where they currently are???
alli:praying
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Speaking as a recovering addict myself, this much I can tell you. Yes, there are a lot of addicts I know who had a less than ideal childhood or traumatic life events.
The fact is that at some point we either grow up and quit blaming our addiction on those things, or we cling to them like a security blanket and use them as an excuse for our addiction.
My best suggestion to you is to take your focus off of him because you didn't cause his addiction, you can't control it, nor can you cure it.
Rather than looking at him and figuring out why he does what he does, looking at yourself and why you choose to be with an addict is more important.
I also speak as a recovering codependent, and today I deserve more than to be involved with an active addict, period.
The fact is that at some point we either grow up and quit blaming our addiction on those things, or we cling to them like a security blanket and use them as an excuse for our addiction.
My best suggestion to you is to take your focus off of him because you didn't cause his addiction, you can't control it, nor can you cure it.
Rather than looking at him and figuring out why he does what he does, looking at yourself and why you choose to be with an addict is more important.
I also speak as a recovering codependent, and today I deserve more than to be involved with an active addict, period.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Another recovering addict here.
I can honestly say I had a really good childhood, brought up by 2 parents who loved me, disciplined me, and taught me that I could do anything I set my mind to.
My first love relationship was with an alcoholic (functioning). Somehow, I learned to be a codie, and this relationship made it all so much worse.
Did it lead to my addiction? Don't know, but I'm sure it contributed.
Thing is, I had every reason NOT to be an addict and became one anyway.
For me, it really doesn't matter WHY I became an addict. It's more important for me to realize what to do to stay in recovery.
For most loved ones who want to know why their A is an A, they can also ask themselves why THEY are addicted to an A...I thought I was in love. After getting out of 3 relationships with A's, I realize that what WE had wasn't love.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I can honestly say I had a really good childhood, brought up by 2 parents who loved me, disciplined me, and taught me that I could do anything I set my mind to.
My first love relationship was with an alcoholic (functioning). Somehow, I learned to be a codie, and this relationship made it all so much worse.
Did it lead to my addiction? Don't know, but I'm sure it contributed.
Thing is, I had every reason NOT to be an addict and became one anyway.
For me, it really doesn't matter WHY I became an addict. It's more important for me to realize what to do to stay in recovery.
For most loved ones who want to know why their A is an A, they can also ask themselves why THEY are addicted to an A...I thought I was in love. After getting out of 3 relationships with A's, I realize that what WE had wasn't love.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: on the southern tip
Posts: 49
MMmmmmm the addict by circumstance theory. Not sure about that.
I too had a loving home, good education etc and became an addict. Why............
I have no idea really. In fact early in my recovery my wise sponsor told me when I asked him why
" Well, you can spend a lifetime trying to work that out. If you choose that route good luck. Rather I would advise you to accept that you are one, and then go about spending your energy on recovering. You cannot change that you are an addict, whatever the reason. But you can arrest the disease if you so choose."
That advice saved my life.
thanks for letting me share on your families/loved ones board.
I too had a loving home, good education etc and became an addict. Why............
I have no idea really. In fact early in my recovery my wise sponsor told me when I asked him why
" Well, you can spend a lifetime trying to work that out. If you choose that route good luck. Rather I would advise you to accept that you are one, and then go about spending your energy on recovering. You cannot change that you are an addict, whatever the reason. But you can arrest the disease if you so choose."
That advice saved my life.
thanks for letting me share on your families/loved ones board.
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
MY AH had a great childhood with two parents that loved him very much and gave him everything he ever needed and wanted and he ended up an addict because using drugs is how he copes or doesn't cope with life.
My AH's mother had a horrible childhood and her mother was an addict and an alcoholic and she is not an addict and never has been.
I think some people may be more apt to be addicts then naught if they had an addict in the family. In my AH's case, genetics could and probably are a factor but the fact of the matter is, he is the only addict in the family.
You can try to figure out all day long, why someone is the way they are and you will come up with a million different reasons. Your BF can't change how or why he became and addict but he can change his circumstances now, if he chooses to do so.
I know this sounds harsh but it's not up to you to monitor your BF's drug use or sobriety time. You think you are helping him but you are only hurting him. In the long run you are going to drive yourself crazy trying to monitor him and his activities. I was like this at one time, I snooped, I badgered, I kept notes, I tried to tell him how to work his program and basicly wanted him to work his program on my terms. It doesn't work that way. All it will do is make him use more and turn him against you.
Turn all that energy you have in helping him recover into helping YOU recover. It took me awhile to get "it" but through attending alanon and even a few open NA meetings with an open mind, I was able to see that I needed to work on me,.. thats the best thing I could and can do to help my AH.
My AH's mother had a horrible childhood and her mother was an addict and an alcoholic and she is not an addict and never has been.
I think some people may be more apt to be addicts then naught if they had an addict in the family. In my AH's case, genetics could and probably are a factor but the fact of the matter is, he is the only addict in the family.
You can try to figure out all day long, why someone is the way they are and you will come up with a million different reasons. Your BF can't change how or why he became and addict but he can change his circumstances now, if he chooses to do so.
I know this sounds harsh but it's not up to you to monitor your BF's drug use or sobriety time. You think you are helping him but you are only hurting him. In the long run you are going to drive yourself crazy trying to monitor him and his activities. I was like this at one time, I snooped, I badgered, I kept notes, I tried to tell him how to work his program and basicly wanted him to work his program on my terms. It doesn't work that way. All it will do is make him use more and turn him against you.
Turn all that energy you have in helping him recover into helping YOU recover. It took me awhile to get "it" but through attending alanon and even a few open NA meetings with an open mind, I was able to see that I needed to work on me,.. thats the best thing I could and can do to help my AH.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 282
Then there are people like me. I grew up with two A parents and most of the family was drunk or on drugs. My dad's friends were on everything from heroin to sniffing glue. I saw all of this all the time. I was always on guard, never slept, and always had a knot in my gut. When I had migraines my dad used to try to give me alcohol. My mom tried to give us brandy to make us sleepy. hated the taste and the smell, however, I grew up to be a codie. How would I not? I ended up wasting almost half of my life with a guy who was an A and eventually he left me for another A. See...I'm not an A. I have tried pot. Have had maybe 2 alcohol buzzes in my life. never did coke, heroin, crack, nothing! Some people say I should be the biggest A of all. Its just not the way it turned out. So who knows what really makes us an A or not an A. I bet if I had kids they would have been. can't say for sure but its the main reason I don't have any. Never wanted to pass these defective genes on to somebody else!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
My daughter has a lot of shame for being an addict. She had a good childhood, is beautiful, smart, funny, caring, etc. Yet she became an addict. I was raised in an alcoholic household and neither I nor my brother or sisters have any substance abuse problems. I have told my daughter that it is a disease. She should not feel anymore shame for having the disease of addiction than she should for her asthma. But there is treatment for addiction and she is responsible for doing the things necessary to keep her addiction at bay, the same as she takes her inhalers and asthma meds to control her asthma. I agree with what Freedom says about taking your eyes off from him and putting them on you. Even if you had the answers for him, it is still his choice to get help or not. You can't help a person when they don't want it. When he has had enough pain, he will change. Until then take care of you. Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
My brother and I grew up in a loving home, with two parents who loved us, two sets of grandparents who loved us and not an addict in sight. My brother is an addict and I'm not.
I don't know where addiciton comes from, if I did I'd patent a cure, but I think it comes from inside the addict somehow, not necessarily the circumstances of upbringing.
I don't know where addiciton comes from, if I did I'd patent a cure, but I think it comes from inside the addict somehow, not necessarily the circumstances of upbringing.
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