Chino

You've mentioned communication not being clear so I'll attempt to be as clear as possible. I will say what I mean, mean what I say, and I hope you'll realize I'm not saying it mean.

In the last two months I've found myself under attack by you twice. Both times were about my car and your expectations/demands concerning it. I don't respond well to that and will not be badgered into giving you what you want. I understand you are frustrated and so am I. Your explosive attacks don't help matters any and are non-productive for me. Nothing is accomplished. I shut down, do my best to mentally escape and refuse to engage in the dance. The only thing on my mind at that point is whether I should allow you to continue living here because that behavior compromises my serenity.

I've been reluctant to allow you the use of my car for several reasons.

A car will come with strings attached; I've already said this and you've said you expect that. Because you've been unable or unwilling to consistently respect the rules for living here, it is why I hesitate. I want you to be independent probably as much or more than you do.

I can't give you another privilege when you aren't consistently honoring the first one. When you become consistent, I will follow through because you will have earned that privilege.

When you've put your mind to it, you've kicked ass. It was an absolute joy to come home from out of town and discover you had been cleaning. I was so proud of you for making your own doctors appointments - that is truly taking care of yourself and not everyone in this home does that! When you go to meetings you are owning your disease and I can't want or hope for more. Every time you clean the kitchen, you do it without being asked. You got your GED! These are a small sample of the things you do, have done, that make me proud. It's growth and maturity.

You and I both depend on each other for some basic things. You depend on me for a roof over your head and food, though you may not like it all the time (that was an attempt at humor). I depend on your help with this house simply because you live here.

______, I have failed you and myself in the past but it is the past. If you will ask for my help I will do my best to give it to you. It may not be the help you want or even need, but it will be the help I am able to give in good conscience. If you need rides to meetings I will give them to you if I am physically able. If you need me to pick you up at midnight because of the 'after' get togethers, I will also do that if I'm physically able. To make this work, we have to respect each others time and always give each other advance notice whenever possible.

I will verbalize the extra help I need from you around here more often, and if you're bored and restless, ask me what else can be done. It's just like when we're up north: we jump in and help and don't complain when asked. That goes for all of us, it isn't exclusive to me and you. We come from a tribe and the four of us - this is our clan.

I won't ask you to do anything I'm not willing to do myself.

I love you and always remember, my continued support is based on you doing the next right thing.

**********

What do think? Does it come across clear? Does it sound kind? I'm not worried about her being offended (thats why I put the disclaimer in the beginning), I'm trying to improve my communication skills with everyone. Sometimes I get so far into my left brain I forget emotion and been told that by several people.

Snickers008

Very good letter. I think it's very clear. You don't mention though what the "first privilege" was- I guess your daughter knows what it is.

How old is your daughter?

I think it's very generous of you to drive her to her meetings etc. I like how you refer to it as "my car" rather than "the car". It is your car after all and she "should" be grateful that you are even considering letting her use it.

The only suggestion I would make it that it seems a little long for a teenager or someone who thinks like a teenager to read. You could take out paragraphs 2, 7 and 8 to make it shorter. Or not. I just know that my teens/young adults would probably not read the whole thing- I think it was therapeutic for you to write it though!

hello-kitty

Keeping in mind that expectations are premeditated resentments....

Are you looking for a specific response or a change in behavior because of this letter or are you simply venting to her? Like maybe that she help around the house more... or that she stop asking to borrow the car? Or for her to be grateful to you for all the help you give her? Because I don't see any clear consequences or anything if she doesn't conform to your requests. I mean she already doesn't have the car... what else is there... You don't specifically say:

If you live here, I expect you to.... or I will....

(but that's just me, I am really really hooked on boundaries and clear consequences.)

As a therapeutic letter very good. :-) But I'm just worried you may not get the response you desire.

marle

Chino, Does your daughter have a job? I did not let my daughter use my car until she had a job where she could give me money for the extra cost of insurance and pay for the gas that she uses. I check the mileage and she is only allowed to drive it to her doctor's appointments, work, tanning and to meetings. Megan is also responsible for keeping her bed made and room clean, washing dishes that she uses and picking up after herself. She gives us money for food. I think that your letter sounds good and hopefully your daughter will take it with the spirit in which it is written. I try to stay away from my daughter's recovery. She is working nights and does not attend as many meetings as I would like her to but she does do one on one counselling weekly and is writing on a fourth step. I have talked to other parents of adult children who are in college and not addicts and they say it is hard to have their kids come home for breaks and in the summer because the kids are so used to living their way. So I think that although addiction adds an extra burden it is not totally responsible for the way young adults are. Hugs, Marle

Chino

The first privilege is living here and she knows that. She also knows the boundaries which she has really been pushing lately. That letter and the consequences was typed up a while back. She's sober (slow sub taper) and I don't have any issues with her sobriety or recovery. I have a problem with her still-wants-to-be-a-spoiled-brat moments.

She doesn't have a job and we're 20 miles from town, which doesn't have a bus. She could go to work for us but it involves getting up before the crack of dawn to hop a ride. She doesn't want to do that. She's looked into admission dates for the technical college she wants to attend but I haven't heard anything else about it.

I need some consistent behavior at home before I allow her to use my spare car again. Until that happens she'll have to depend on others or me for rides. She had several wrecks when she used to be on our insurance and they dropped her. The SR-22 cost is astronomical and she has no means of paying it.

This is the kind of stuff that was going on long before the addiction when she was a teenager. While she's had some emotional growth since rehab she's still shedding old behaviors. We allowed her to be a spoiled brat but not any longer and she's having a hard time with it.

I typed up the letter because I couldn't get a word in edgewise and didn't want to, either. When she finally stopped ranting I was still checked out and in my happy place

marle

Chino, Boy do I know about the ranting and not being able to get a word in edgewise And yes, my daughter was the little princess all her life. Now that she has to pay for her own stuff, she thinks about it more. One of the reasons that she is still hanging on to the ex-abf is that now that he is clean he has the opportunity to make some "fat cash" and since the mom and dad money train has dried up, she is thinking that he might come through for her. She owes about $8,000 and it is all in collections. Everytime she talks to him it is all about how much money he is going to give her. I want to say something but I just let it go. I figure that he will wise up sooner or later and if she gets some cash from him, at least it is not from us We do have to remember that maturity wise our daughters have a lot of catching up to do. I am just grateful for my daughter's clean time and that sometimes I do see a bit of maturity Hugs, Marle

Chino

When both of my kids were little and had tantrums, I stayed calm and said no, maybe sent them to their rooms. My son had two tantrums and that was it, but my daughter was another story. When she entered the teen years I started fighting back and that was a HUGE mistake on my part. It got to where that's the only way she knew to communicate with me. I also gave in one too many times just to shut her up.

When she had her meltdown yesterday I used my new recovery tools, along with the ones I used to have before I lost it back then. I'm the one who taught her to communicate this way with me and it's my responsibility to show her how I want to communicate now. I won't let her walk on me but I will show her how to talk with me.

I wasn't consistent then but I am now. It isn't all on her and I'm giving her some time to catch up a little

greeteachday

Terrific letter and terrific post. Thanks Chino

kidsandmemake3

Hi Chino-

Just some thoughts:

Your opening statement is nice.

How 'bout some consolidation on some other points by using the tactic of enticing cooperation (maybe browbeating makes her shut down?): ?

For example, some talking points might include

"Because I want to help you get your needs met, I wanted to ask you if you would consider helping me to understand what it is that you are trying to say. Badgering and explosive rantings make me shut down, and I need to ask you if you will use a calm tone of voice when we talk about difficult things so I can really understand what you are trying to say."

"I don't want to miss out on helping you whenever it is possible for me to do so; it makes me happy to help you and see you succeed."

"I am proud of you when you (list her accomplishments like you did in your letter)."

"You are one of the best things to ever happen to me and to see you become fully independent- to see you fly on your own wings, knowing how hard you worked to do that, and fully appreciating what a strong woman you have become will bring me a joy that I do not have words for."

How about an "I love you" in there?

Just some thoughts... good for you for working so hard, keeping your boundaries, and keepin' on...

Best,
-K3.

itisatruth

Chino, you said what you meant, and you didn't say it mean. You were clear and thoughtful of the situation and of your own needs, as well as, being aware of what she is going though.

sleepygoat

My only change to the letter is to state all the things she did right, up front, before telling her how you have felt on the attack, etc. Let her know also that you realize its not easy to get clean and to take on real life without drugs. ( trust me on this; its not easy to do that) THEN, tell her what you expect and how she is falling short. She will hear you, then. If you do it in the reverse order she may not hear you and may only become defensive and angry. Human nature.

Impurrfect

(((Chino)))

I think it's a good letter, and it looks like you are both going through growing pains of a new relationship. It will take getting used to (especially for her), but you will both be better off in the long run.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Chino

You're right Amy and thank you everyone for your thoughts.

A lot of change has happened and I can't expect her to 'get it' overnight. After all, she's almost 21 years old and it's taken me almost 8 years to get to this place.

outtolunch

Does " I have failed you and myself in the past, but.... " serve a purpose? Is she inclined to turn this back on you, to blame you for her problems, as is so common? Does the statement serve to encourage her to do so rather than take responsibility for herself?

I did not realize she was not working and/or going to school full time, by choice.This puts a different spin on it, for me.

I don't have this choice. Do you?

marle

Chino, I have to remind myself that my daughter was not born to be a spoiled rotten brat. She was created by me. So the pain that I bypassed when she was younger by saying yes instead of no is now something that I have to face today. We are all trying to learn a better way and no one goes into change without at least a little bit of kicking and screaming. Megan has told me that so many times she does not feel worthy of the good things that she has in her life and so she takes the defensive attitude to cover up her fear of being rejected. Several years ago I bought a book called the Five Languages of Love. One of the ways that some people feel love is by getting things. Love for Megan was demonstrated by me doing things for her and buying things for her. I see it is going to be a struggle for a while for me to stop doing things that I know she needs to do for herself. But as long as we learn and keep moving forward, we and they will get there. Hugs, Marle

Chino

Yes, it serves a purpose. It's me owning up to failing her in the past. When she trusted me for rides in the past I caused her to be late many times. Now she doesn't trust me and that's why I had to own up to it, ask for another chance to help her. I'm not afraid of being honest with her now. If she tries to turn it back on me later, that will be her issue not mine.

Yes, I have the choice to work or not but that's not here nor there. She doesn't trust me, but she'll have to come to terms with depending on me and others for rides until she develops some consistency at home. I think I made that pretty clear.

This letter was not about consequences or even her disease. It is about consistency, communication, trust, and growth for both of us. I think some times we get so caught up in their disease we forget it isn't always about that. I almost did until I stepped back and took the time to think it over.

Thank you marle. During family week at rehab she told me all she's ever known is being spoiled and it's the truth. She's trying to adjust but that doesn't mean it's going to be smooth sailing for either one of us all the time.

devastated

I thought your letter was very, very, open and honest and to the point.

One thing I don't worry about anymore is hurting my son's feelings! Of course, that doesn't mean to say that I go out of my way to be nasty either.

I think you sounded fair and loving while still setting boundaries!

GOOD JOB!

Hugs, Devastated