Alcoholic son - don't know what to do.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: lubbock
Posts: 1
Alcoholic son - don't know what to do.
I found this website and it looked like the place I needed to go. I am a 58 year old female and have been recovering from alcohol for many years. Now I am on the another side with my 28 year alcoholic son. I have never had such overwhelming despair as I have now. I know why and how I quit but I am absolutely helpless with him.
My son was diagnosed with cancer as child and we were told he wouldn't see 10 years old. But he did. He has a medical case history that most people would not believe. Surgery after surgery because of the cancer. Anyway, this aspects complicates everything.
He has drank a lot since high school but recently I can't believe he has fallen so far down. He is married. Has been in school forever (put his wife thru) and now lacks 6 classes graduating. In April he told his wife he was committing suicide (after drinking a bottle of YagerMeister - I don't even know what this is). He was put in pyschatric hospital for 5 days. It was a joke because they never addressed the alcohol - just depression. So naturally after about 3 weeks he started drinking again. Also had to drop school - only had 3 weeks left.
This is what he does now - no job because he was going back to school. He starts drinking Peppermint Schnapps at about 3:00 and starts playing video games and listens to some radio talk show. He got 2 DWIs within 3 weeks. The second dwi was dropped but he is on 18 month probation, no drivers license for 6months, fines, and part of plea bargain was voluntary rehabilitation. He checked himself into rehab twice before and left with 12 hours and then checked in again after last court hearing. Stayed 4 days. Now he is at home back to his normal day.
His wife, me and my husband, his sister are just at our wits end (Al-Anon everyday helps a little). Can we get the judge to commit him to rehab? And how do we do it? I don't want him to go to jail. Do I contact his lawyer for help? Anybody been down this road before?
thanks
ontheplains
My son was diagnosed with cancer as child and we were told he wouldn't see 10 years old. But he did. He has a medical case history that most people would not believe. Surgery after surgery because of the cancer. Anyway, this aspects complicates everything.
He has drank a lot since high school but recently I can't believe he has fallen so far down. He is married. Has been in school forever (put his wife thru) and now lacks 6 classes graduating. In April he told his wife he was committing suicide (after drinking a bottle of YagerMeister - I don't even know what this is). He was put in pyschatric hospital for 5 days. It was a joke because they never addressed the alcohol - just depression. So naturally after about 3 weeks he started drinking again. Also had to drop school - only had 3 weeks left.
This is what he does now - no job because he was going back to school. He starts drinking Peppermint Schnapps at about 3:00 and starts playing video games and listens to some radio talk show. He got 2 DWIs within 3 weeks. The second dwi was dropped but he is on 18 month probation, no drivers license for 6months, fines, and part of plea bargain was voluntary rehabilitation. He checked himself into rehab twice before and left with 12 hours and then checked in again after last court hearing. Stayed 4 days. Now he is at home back to his normal day.
His wife, me and my husband, his sister are just at our wits end (Al-Anon everyday helps a little). Can we get the judge to commit him to rehab? And how do we do it? I don't want him to go to jail. Do I contact his lawyer for help? Anybody been down this road before?
thanks
ontheplains
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
I'm sorry you have to watch your son going through this Ontheplains, but I need to ask, could anyone have helped you before you began your own recovery?
If he doesn't want the help you offer it really isn't going to do anyone any good, please look after yourself.
If he doesn't want the help you offer it really isn't going to do anyone any good, please look after yourself.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Welcome to SR!
I don't know if a judge can MAKE someone go to rehab, but I do know that if the person isn't ready to stop drinking/using, rehab won't do much good.
No parent wants their child to go to jail. However, if you read around on posts, by the time the addiction progresses, many parents BEG for their child to be arrested because it is a better alternative than killing themselves with alcohol/drugs.
I'm an RA (recovering addict) and I was locked up. It isn't what my dad wanted for me, either, but it was a huge eye-opener to me!
I'm glad you're here. There are some wonderful people here with ES&H. Keep the focus on you. As someone who's been on both sides of the fence (like me), you realize that you had to hit your bottom. No one could make me get clean, although the sound of jail doors clanging shut, did help.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I don't know if a judge can MAKE someone go to rehab, but I do know that if the person isn't ready to stop drinking/using, rehab won't do much good.
No parent wants their child to go to jail. However, if you read around on posts, by the time the addiction progresses, many parents BEG for their child to be arrested because it is a better alternative than killing themselves with alcohol/drugs.
I'm an RA (recovering addict) and I was locked up. It isn't what my dad wanted for me, either, but it was a huge eye-opener to me!
I'm glad you're here. There are some wonderful people here with ES&H. Keep the focus on you. As someone who's been on both sides of the fence (like me), you realize that you had to hit your bottom. No one could make me get clean, although the sound of jail doors clanging shut, did help.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Earth School
Posts: 137
Originally Posted by ontheplains 
Anybody been down this road before?
Originally Posted by ontheplains
This is what he does now - He starts drinking Peppermint Schnapps at about 3:00 and starts playing video games and listens to some radio talk show. He got 2 DWIs within 3 weeks. The second dwi was dropped but he is on 18 month probation, ...... His wife, me and my husband, his sister are just at our wits end. Can we get the judge to commit him to rehab? And how do we do it? I don't want him to go to jail. Do I contact his lawyer for help?
If it were me (and yes, been down this road before), I would let him live with the consequences of his actions. In the AA Big Book it says, "the hardest place to work our program is with family". Difficult - yes. Do-able? YES!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
Besides the great advice already given, I have been down this road before.
Briefly, my niece has a history of mental illness, got hooked on meth, convicted of first and second degree possession , faced possiblity of 12 years in prison, got probation, drug treatment and several months of daily therapy - and - we just found out she's been using all along and now she's back in jail.
I tell you all that, not to depress you, but to let you know that sometimes jail is the only thing that gets them sober enough to even think straight. I have tried to get my niece committed, but the limit is that they won't hold them unless they are "a threat to self or others". That means (in Minnesota ) they need to be observed by some authority weilding a gun or knife or telling them they want to commit suicide. It's frustrating, but unless they see it, they don't hold them.
My niece was recently picked up for evading an officer - a high speed chase through a road construction zone that threatened the lives of many others and that wasn't even enough for them to commit her. I called the mental health emergency assessment unit in my county when she showed up at my house acting VERY crazy and saying she was going to be working with the drug detectives to get out of a new charge. That's when I called her po. and had her taken in for probation violation.
So - she's been in jail for 30 days. In her case, she's still psychotic. I know she'll be going to the workhouse (prison-light) for at least 7 months and will get psychiatric treatment, drug treatment and health care while there. So - all I can say is - when all else fails, jail is better than dead and better than them continuing to use and put themselves and others in danger.
I do pray that you can let go. I know how hard it is. I've been carrying a huge stone of sadness in my heart for the last 30 days as my niece goes through this - AGAIN. I keep trying to figure all the ways I know to detach and in the end - its still just plain sad.
One thing I recently read that has helped me deal with these awful consequences is that when a shocking thing happens, the better person looks inside themselves for any resistance they have to God's will. That has let me see that maybe my neice's jail time is part of the healing process.
God Bless you - prayers for peace and some light - and for your son's HP to bring whatever circumstances will bring him to health and healing.
Briefly, my niece has a history of mental illness, got hooked on meth, convicted of first and second degree possession , faced possiblity of 12 years in prison, got probation, drug treatment and several months of daily therapy - and - we just found out she's been using all along and now she's back in jail.
I tell you all that, not to depress you, but to let you know that sometimes jail is the only thing that gets them sober enough to even think straight. I have tried to get my niece committed, but the limit is that they won't hold them unless they are "a threat to self or others". That means (in Minnesota ) they need to be observed by some authority weilding a gun or knife or telling them they want to commit suicide. It's frustrating, but unless they see it, they don't hold them.
My niece was recently picked up for evading an officer - a high speed chase through a road construction zone that threatened the lives of many others and that wasn't even enough for them to commit her. I called the mental health emergency assessment unit in my county when she showed up at my house acting VERY crazy and saying she was going to be working with the drug detectives to get out of a new charge. That's when I called her po. and had her taken in for probation violation.
So - she's been in jail for 30 days. In her case, she's still psychotic. I know she'll be going to the workhouse (prison-light) for at least 7 months and will get psychiatric treatment, drug treatment and health care while there. So - all I can say is - when all else fails, jail is better than dead and better than them continuing to use and put themselves and others in danger.
I do pray that you can let go. I know how hard it is. I've been carrying a huge stone of sadness in my heart for the last 30 days as my niece goes through this - AGAIN. I keep trying to figure all the ways I know to detach and in the end - its still just plain sad.
One thing I recently read that has helped me deal with these awful consequences is that when a shocking thing happens, the better person looks inside themselves for any resistance they have to God's will. That has let me see that maybe my neice's jail time is part of the healing process.
God Bless you - prayers for peace and some light - and for your son's HP to bring whatever circumstances will bring him to health and healing.
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